"Turning Over A New Leaf. Part 2." Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 52.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  Last two days of 2014!!!  I wanted to get one last post in before the year is gone.  Ladies and gents, we made it through another year.  Thank God and Thank you!!  Happy New Year to you and your fam!  I'll see you all on the flip side.  :)

Oh yeah, and I saw this on Insta and the caption said, "Time flies when you stay exactly the same."  Bah hahahahaha!!

*  Woo hoo!!  I just got another callback for a commercial while writing.  This one's another big one.  Wish me luck.


Now on to the main attraction......

I went into the hospital again.

This time for coughing up blood.

I know I have a flair for drama, but going into emergency twice in three months seem more like crazy wake-up calls, don't you think?

You know I manifested this, right?  For the post about the first time I went to the hospital, click here.  Since then, I have quit smoking cigarettes after smoking for 20 years.  I knew something had to give for me to quit smoking cigarettes.  Something had to scare the shit out of me.  I no longer wanted cigarettes to be a part of my life and my future, but I just didn't know if it was possible.  So, I manifested getting admitted into emergency.  But, you know what else I  manifested too?  The Kerry Gaynor Method which helped me quit cold turkey and now it's been over 2 months.

Cut to:  4 am this morning.  I woke up coughing all of a sudden as if I had a cold and needed to get some mucous/phlegm out.  I kept coughing and coughing, but no phlegm....just felt like water in my mouth.  I thought it was a little strange, but being that it was 4 am, still super dark, my brain wasn't even up yet, and I just wanted to fall back asleep.  But I couldn't.  Because the coughing wouldn't stop.  Finally, I just got up to go the bathroom to spit out the 'water'.  I turn on the light, go to the sink, get a good cough, and spit.  Blood.  Straight up RED RED RED BLOOD.  And this wasn't the kind of blood that you see because your gums are bleeding or you bit your tongue by accident....this was as if I was gargling with blood.  Blood all up in my mouth, coating my teeth and tongue.

What the fuck?  Is this mine?  I coughed again and spit, coughed again and spit, coughed again and spit to make sure.  It's fucking my blood.  It's coming from inside of me.  This is me bleeding.  This was scaring me even more because I didn't see a cut, an open wound anywhere, I wasn't feeling pain.  The blood wasn't coming from anywhere in my mouth, it was coming from inside....deep down inside of me.

I woke up my roommate again.  This is now the second time I'm waking her ass up to tell her, "Yo, I think I'm dying.  You think you can take me the hospital?"  Oh God, just typing this up makes me laugh.....because if comedy is tragedy plus time....well, then let's fucking laugh about this shit.  I know she loves me and all, but I'm sure she wanted to strangle a bitch.  Ash, thank you for saving my life, yet again.   I can't give you Bells, but I can give you my third born.  :)

Unlike the first time, I was in and out.  Granted I gave them attitude because I was fricking scared and it felt like forever before someone came to get me, but I have to say, Olympia Medical on Olympic Blvd....I LOVE THEM.  All the nurses and only one Doctor.....Doctor Wu.  The other doctors can suck my _______ but, Doctor Wu was awesome.  Got checked out, took an x-ray, turns out my blood vessel(s) popped in my throat somewhere.  Huh?  Who freaking knew there were blood vessels in your throat?  All my life, people have been saying that if you cough up blood then you're in some deep shit.  I thought I was in deep shit.  Let's just say I smoke more than your average and I like taking good hard and long bong rips or smoking blunts.  Shit's gotta hurt the throat or it's a waste.  That's why I was so scared....I thought this was it for me and I did it to myself.  I was literally preparing myself mentally for things I couldn't control.

Did you know that lung cancer happens like that?  You can be a smoker and be fine and then bam, all of a sudden you cough up blood, go to the hospital, and the doctor tells you "Sorry, you have six months to live."  There are no symptoms with lung cancer.   The symptom is your cancer.  That's it.  When you smoke, you're gambling your life.  You really are.  And when I was a smoker I thought, "Yeah, well, I ain't dead yet."  The truth is, it's not the last puff that's going to kill me, it's the next one.  Just because "I'm still here" doesn't mean I'm still going to be.  I've dealt with consequences in the past because I was 'too late'. with certain things.  You know what it's like to not pay your bills on time.  :D  While I can, I am.  I didn't know how much I wanted to live until it could have been taken away from me.  Life is precious.

So, I asked for this....again.  Just like I did the first time.  And God always listens and delivers.

Honestly, I know I can't run my business like this....as a stoner.  I'm laughing at myself right now.  because it sounds so sad and funny, but it's the Truth.  And I have been smoking pot more lately because I'm so stressed about my website and E-Commerce.  I had this romantic idea that if Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, and other Hollywood stoners can do it, I can do it too.  Right now I'm even entertaining the idea that maybe if I just cut down, maybe if I just don't wake and bake then I'll get more stuff done and I'll be happier.  LIES.  Truth is, there is no cutting down for me.  One hit automatically becomes 20 hits and the devil's got me for the day....I am his.  I don't like feeling this way.  I don't like feeling powerless to something.  I gave pot my power, now I'm taking it back.  I'm not my best when I'm stoned.  I'm not even half of me.  It's a dark dark place and I chose to go there every day.  My job is to feel...to feel it all, think about it all, and then express it all.  Smoking makes me doubt myself, underestimate myself, loathe myself.  Smoking keeps me away from my dreams.  This is slow suicide.  I will not go like this.

Because of The Kerry Gaynor Method though, I don't believe in addictions anymore.  Hallelujah.  This alone is a huge paradigm shift.  You know that saying, "once you're an addict, always an addict"?  Yeah, no.  It's not about addiction, it's about belief.  I believe in the power of self-healing through self-love.  I believe in mastering your own mind so you don't become a servant to it.  I believe there's help and hope if you want it and seek it out.  The fact that I am free of cystic acne, all freaking naturally and holistically, taught me that once you shatter your old belief, you can create a whole new paradigm for yourself and you will see it in the physical world if you need to 'see proof'.   I see proof every day when I look in the mirror and see how clear my face is....even without make-up.   I'm in my thirties and I barely wear make-up now unless I have to.  I mean, I'll fill in my eyebrows and throw on mascara and lipstick but, foundation and concealers?  No, thank you.  If I have to wear make-up, I stick to BB creams or tinted moisturizers.  This may not sound like a big deal to some, but for me...HUGE.

I feel like I'm slowly but surely peeling off one layer at a time to discover who the hell I really am.  This is my path.  This is my journey.  I don't do things perfectly, but this the trajectory of my life.....to create the life I want, and I plan on doing this with one self-caring, self-loving thing at a time.

My goal, not just for 2015, but for life is to perform at my optimal and see what I'm really capable of.  Because I'm capable of great things.  Ever since I was a little girl, I thought I was special.  And I had magical powers.  My relationship with God goes way back and I always felt like I was his favorite, and it was our secret.  I lost that feeling for a while but, it's coming back.  Actually, I'm summoning it back to me.  Yes, go with the flow and all of that, but, be PROactive too.  Tell Life what it is you want, don't want, and take no shit.  I am going to create the life I imagine for myself.  I'm already doing it.  2015, I can't wait to see what we are going to do together.

I've been writing things down feverishly.  This is a stack of index cards full of ideas, missions, visions, goals, quotes, one-liners, symbols for my art and career.  I have no excuse for 2015.  I have enough ideas, and I have more time and energy.

So, here's a little something to cigs and weed.  I know Mastin, the founder of one of my favorite blogs of all time, The Daily Love, wrote a little goodbye letter to his addiction, sugar.  I'm going to write one to mine.


Dear Cigs and Mary J.


It's been a wild ride, guys.  You guys have been there for me when I needed you most.  Thank you.

Cigs, you were there for me since I was 12.  We had so much fun, didn't we?  Always cutting school and hiding out at pool halls and smoking a shit ton.  How cool you made me look.  How cool you made me feel.  I even believed I smelled cool.  And you always knew how to keep me company too, like when I was on the phone, when I was driving, when I was waiting, when I was bored, when I was writing....I could always count on you.  You even took my father's place when he and my mother separated.  He was a smoker as long as I could remember so by my smoking, I still had a piece of him  with me.  So, thank you for that.

Mary J, you've been there for me for 10 years now.  Wow.  I can't believe I've had longer relationships with you and cigs than I've had with people.  Our relationship started when I moved out here and the sticky icky got me.  Hahaha.  Not really.  A boy did and he was pothead.  We became very close and when we broke up, I took you on just like I did with my cigs when my father left.  You've also kept me company, but you also provided me with the ability to numb things out when it needed to be.  There were times where my heart couldn't handle certain things and I felt like I didn't know what to do, and you helped me get through them.  I am so grateful to you.

But, things have changed.  You're not helping anymore.  Not for nothing, but cigs and weed, you're killing me.  And the fact that I've been in the hospital now twice in three months, I can't ignore this anymore.  It's funny how you started out as my savior and now you're the one who's killing me.  I'm shutting you down.  I'm sorry.  No, I'm not sorry.  You almost tried to kill me twice, you fuckers.  I loved you once but, you gotta get the fuck out of my life now.  I sending you off with love though.  And I really am so grateful to you for bringing me this far.  Because, to give you some credit, I couldn't have done it without you.  But, the truth is, I can now.  I got this now.  I have healthy tools in my life now like meditating and kundalini to get me through tough and scary times.  I'm gonna be fine.

So, my dear cigs and weed....I won't miss you.  I hope you won't miss me either.  It was a great freaking ride.  I'll always have a special place in my heart for you, but this is where we say goodbye.



with gratitude,

x Alex






Having a THRIVING week, peeps.


with MAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"2015 New Year's Resolution and Goal". Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 51.

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week......

*  How cute are my stickers?  Business cards and retail tags are on its way.  Yaaay!!!  Thank you to my friend Mindy for creating one of my lovely logos.

Now on to the main attraction....



New Year's Resolution and Goal(s) for 2015............and I already started.

1.

After 20 years of smoking and not having gone more than a day or two without a cig......today, I have been a non-smoker for 1 month 29 days 2 hours.  Booyah!!!!!  Thank you Kerry Gaynor Method, #StopSmokingStartLiving, and God.  :)

2.  Youtube

Youtube Youtube Youtube, ladies and gentlemen.  This is going to be a MAJOR game-changer/player in media and entertainment.  It is already, but I think it's going to get even bigger.  I would probably start thinking of a Youtube channel as online real estate, just like domain names.  Think about it....Netflix.  Television will become obsolete one day.  My kids are going to be like, "Television?  Mom, what's that?"  Youtube's already GLOBAL and the community is strong.  The things that will come out of Youtube in the future.....holy, I can only imagine. 

My goal for 2015 is to hit up Youtube again.  Instead of "Television, Here I Come!", for 2015, it's "Youtube, Here I Come!"  My calling is in creating my own content.  I'm a personality.  This is something that has been becoming more and more evident over the years.  I'm an actress AND personality.  Actually, I think I'm more of a personality than an actress, which is probably why my body of work has been all non-scripted stuff.  I have a message.  I have a vision.  I have opinions.  I have things that happen in my head that I MUST get out in some shape or form.  Basically, I have to create my own content.

And Youtube is the perfect platform for me to do that.  I have creative freedom and control to create the content I want, and not what someone else wants.  My Youtube channel is my voice.  There's something very powerful in that.  Guys, do you realize that your Youtube channel is your network/studio/production company?  On a platform that's free with global access?!?!  I mean, seriously.....I don't why this is just blowing my mind like crazy right now.

 Any ways, I even want to do merchandising in the future....which means, there has to be a solid brand first.  My hope is to become a branding queen in a few years and I believe Youtube is one of the best ways to do that.  The fact that anyone can make a video, put it up on the web and it's all fair game from there.  Even typing this makes me emotional because this is all I ever wanted......a fair shot, you know?  Because you give me a fair shot, I'm takin that shit.  

I'm getting my Youtube channel ready for 2015 now.  I have a shit ton of ideas I have written down.  One by one, let's do this.  

I spent this past weekend uploading some of my greatest Instagram hits.  Hahaha.  Thanks to Instagram and its point shoot video, I have been able to practice telling a story in 15 seconds.  I think it's been very helpful for me as an actress, director, and editor.  

Some you have seen, some you have not.  I never posted and just archived some because self-doubt kicked in.  :D  Well, I grew some balls over the weekend and decided, "Eh, fuck it."  The never before seen ones will be private until my website goes live, but feel free to catch up on some oldies  but goodies.  CLICK HERE for the IG hits playlist.

But, I'll release one 'never before seen' video.  Enjoy!  :D

I hope to see you on Youtube.  Click Here to subscribe to my channel if you haven't already.  :)  Peace and have a THRIVING week, peeps.  

with MAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"You betta check yo'self before you wreck yo'self". Television, Here I Come......Again! Week 50.

One of my personalities, "Choi".  Her trademark is the hoop earrings.  More on her and rest of personalities coming soon too.  :)

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  Yaaay!!!  My logos are here!  I have three logos now.  NEW YORKIE CHOI is my company/business name.  It's like 'the mother' to the sub-brands.  I have also decided to use the same name for my shop.  Then, my sub-brands....the two 'older kids', Diary Of The THRIVING Actress and HOT n FUNNY Asian Chick.

Now on to the main attraction......

You better check yo'self before you wreck yo'self.          - Ice Cube

I'm a monster these days.  An entitled, intolerant monster.  I'm writing this post to check myself.

This whole 'starting my own business' thing is turning me into a raging lunatic.  I have moments where I 'lose it'.  I 'lost it' with a sweet Korean lady at the Korean supermarket because I already purchased something, and on my way out, I realized I forgot to buy kimchi.  I went back in, got kimchi and went to a different register.  Long story short, the second lady needed proof of first purchase (I threw out the receipt, duh), which meant it would take 2-3 more minutes out of my day.  It pissed me off so much that I kind of scolded her.  I scolded a fifty something Korean lady (I was brought up to respect my elders so while this was happening, there was also a mindfuck happening because I could not believe who I was being).  Now, I also could have just went back to the first lady, not even worry about proof of purchase, pay for my kimchi there and be done with it, but noooooooooooo.....not this day, not this hour.  How dare she question my integrity and waste my precious time?!?!?!  I was out for blood, ladies and gentlemen.  I committed to losing that 2-3 minutes of my day now, and she was going to pay.  

I drove home verbally and mentally slapping myself afterwards because I felt like a disgusting human being.  

And this has been going on.  And I can't stop.  I'm sure I can, but I'm not trying hard enough.  And then this makes me feel shitty so, guess what, I need another victim to scold and 'teach a lesson' to......and so on and so on.  The struggle is real.  The hustle is real.  :D

But, the point of this post is to check myself........with love.

I'm acting like a raging lunatic because I'm just scared to fail.  I'm scared to lose, I'm scared to get hurt, I'm scared to disappoint, I'm scared to change, I'm scared to prove the naysayers right, I'm scared to feel misunderstood, what else.......I'm scared to make mistakes, I'm scared to get used, I'm scared to 'get the short end of the stick', I'm scared to lose control, I'm scared to feel unheard, I'm scared to feel like a nobody, I'm scared to feel like a somebody.  I'm scared that if I feel like anything or anyone may throw me off course, I want your head, and I'm a woman with a new mission.  But the woman taking off heads is really just the little girl in me that's scared.  

That's kind of crazy, isn't it?  That my monster is really a scared little girl just trying to protect herself and do things perfectly.  

:)

I think I just checked myself.   With love.

Checkmate, mate.

Ok, gotta go.  Byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Have a THRIVING week, peeps.  Go take off some heads.  Bah hahahaha.  :D

with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Setting Up Shop!". Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 45-49.

Herro from the Choi ladies!

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week......

*  "I'm not a businessman.  I'm a business, man."  Jay-Z.

As my website is slowly but surely underway, I'm constantly finding myself tweaking and honing my brand.  Maybe this is why it's taking a little longer too.  But this is making me think bigger for myself, and do bigger for myself.

I'd like to announce that my official company/business name is NEW YORKIE CHOI !!  This is a name that carries with it many special meanings for me.  So, from now on, you do business with moi, you do business with NYC......even the acronym is perfect....(Joy Choi pointed that out).  And my friend is working on the logo for me.  Very freaking exciting.

Filed for my DBA this past week.  I'm working with a small business consultant, Tara who is helping me through each step and process.  This isn't hard, but it's not easy either.  It's just tedious.  It's actually kind of fun if you think about it because I always knew there was an entrepreneur in me....and now that I'm taking the steps, it just feels...........well duh, about time!

*  I started reading Sophia Amoruso's book, #GIRLBOSS.  Started out slow for me, but I'm starting to really dig it now....Sophia knows a little about MAGIC and allowing that element into your path and journey.  She's also a huge advocate for HARD WORK.  That's my kind of combo, that's my kind of girl.  It gives great insights about listening to your gut, practical things like saving money, and having fun along the way.  I'm lovin it.


Now on to the main attraction......



Ladies and gentlemen, I never wanted to call myself an expert at anything but, I think I'm going to retract that.  I believe I have sufficiently put in my 10,000 hours and I can call myself an expert, a professional when it comes to shopping.  No joke.  (In case you're wondering about this 10,000 hour rule thing, check out Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers).

So, I am setting up shop.  Online.  Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!

I'll be doing some light buying and reselling of some of my favorite pieces I find...just accessories for now.  I'm an accessories whore if you haven't noticed.  And whenever I go shopping, I always buy an extra or two for my sister and friend(s).  Well, now I'm buying a little  more extra, and they will be available to purchase on my website.  They will be super duper limited, until I make more money to buy more.  Then again, I like the idea of 'once they're gone, they're gone' type of thing.  I don't like mass production.  I like to carefully curate.  And I don't want to carry something for too long.  Enjoy it and let it go, you know?  I just got hit with something....this in relation to my love life.  Eh, another post.

Anyways guys, I'm so excited about this because shopping is my forte.  I can shop harder than anyone I know....and I don't get tired from it.  Not for nothing, I get energized.  It really gets my blood flowing.  And that is why, I always shop alone.  No one can hang and honestly,  I feel bogged down by others.  I'm lying.  Unless it's my sister.  I feel confident I can be a productive shopper with her.  We've mastered this shit down, you understand?  She and I will shop like our life depended on it....you should have seen us in Korea, it was like Heaven for us.  But, even in Heaven, sisters fight.  Bah hahahaha....the fights, the make-ups,  the barely eating, the hunt for public bathrooms, the wheeling and dealing with different vendors,  we pretty much just went to Korea to take naps so we can live, breathe, shopping there.  Oh God, I miss it.  Did you know my aunt and uncle took me to Dong Dae Moon, which is a 24/7 mall-like shopping town, not just a building or street, they're streets and streets and streets, they even go underground in some places, I mean, it's monstrous, and my first time there, I shopped from 11pm to like 7 or 8am the next morning.  I can feel my blood pumpin just talking about this right now.  God.

It's also a very private and sacred thing for me, shopping.  It's meditative.  I try something on and see how I feel, what I like, what I don't like,.....it's time for me to check in with myself.  I think this is why I don't like to go shopping with others because it's just my time to be alone.  I rarely need opinion on how anything looks, because this is where I completely trust myself.  And if feels good.  No matter how old I get, clothing and accessories will forever make me feel like the little giddy girl in me playing dress up and having her own fashion show in front of a long mirror.  This is one of my happy places.

So, I made a video.  Bells and I made this video.  I think Bells will have a lot more involvement from now on.  The company is named after her, after all.  This is a 'commercial' of sort.  For The Shop.  Yeah, a 3 minute commercial....I know, I'm still working on the logistics.

 This is to introduce you to some of the first few pieces that will be available on the website.  Yesssssssss.  Sound quality is horrible so I'm saving money to get better mic but, hope you guys like.







Have a THRIVING week, peeps.



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Turning Over A New Leaf....Bye Cigs!" Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 42-44.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  I just got a call while I was writing this that I'm ON AVAIL for a commercial.  Wish me luck!

*  Here's a new video!  Guys, I'm getting back to making more videos.  Here's a little introduction to some of the ladies you'll be meeting shortly.  Welcome,  mah bitches!!!  :D :D

Now on to the main attraction.....

Well, let me begin by saying..........boom boom BOOM!  

Yes, that's right....I am a non-smoker for life now.  Ladies and gentlemen, I have been a closet-smoker for 20 years.  We started early in Brooklyn.  I haven't gone more than 1 or 2 days tops without a cigarette in probably 10 years.   Until NOW.  Whaaaaaaaaaaat.

I started smoking a pack a day.....Newports at that.  Then in high school I wanted to be more healthier so I switched to Newport Lights.  And then in college, went even more healthier by switching to Parliament Lights because they had the air filters.....big whoop.  And then since moving to Los Angeles, I only smoked Organic American Spirit, the dark blue box....I became a snobby smoker just to make myself feel better about smoking.  And for years, I cut down from one pack to maybe 5 cigs a day....but, this year, I have been back up to about half a pack a day.

My family doesn't really know I smoke.  I've been caught by Joy Choi, my mother a few times with cigarettes dropping out of my bag and maybe once or twice out of my mouth....I would deny deny deny.  Even now when I go back home to visit, Joy Choi asks me from time to time, "Do you smoke?"  And I'm like, "Yes, but just occasionally" because I can't lie to her, but I never admitted to being an actual 'everyday smoker'.  All my close friends know I smoke, but acquaintances and people I meet, not so much.  I actually recently posted a picture of me smoking on Instagram and people were like, "What?  You don't smoke!"  Honestly, I felt like they were judging me....which meant I was really judging me.  So many rules around smoking in my head....I'm sick of it.  It's time to be done with this shit.  You know what I'm sayin?

I got a little divine intervention....pun intended.  Read on.

I wrote in my last post about losing a lot of weight recently, and not by choice.  I went into emergency about a month ago.  I woke up one morning feeling nauseous, I broke out into a cold sweat, and my body wouldn't stop shaking.  I kept trying to throw up, but nothing.  I couldn't position myself to feel better.  My skin color turned like yellow-green....I did not look okay at all.  My roommate rushed me to emergency.  From there, things got scary fast.  

Can you imagine someone tugging on your big toe just to keep you awake when all you want to do is close your eyes and sleep?  "Hey, you're gonna stay awake for us, right?"  Just hearing that makes you feel like you'll accidentally die if you allow yourself to sleep.  Your survival instincts kick in........how badly do you want to live?  You have no control over your body but, you have the power to decide whether you want to fight or give up.

Can you imagine hearing a nurse talk to your roommate and asking about your health history and family info, and even mentioning a living will?  A f*cking living will.

Can you imagine constantly hearing the heart rate monitor beeping because your heart rate won't stop dropping and no one could figure out why, and they're sticking defibrillators on you just in case they have to resuscitate you?

I had no control over anything.  Not even my own breath.  Inhaling was difficult, exhaling was worse....it made me even more nauseous and as if my body was at war with itself.  I had no choice but to surrender.....surrender to the pain, surrender to my body, surrender to the doctors and nurses, surrender to God/The Universe.....just surrender.  

I'm not very good at surrendering.  So having no choice was probably the best thing that could have happened.

Did you know I asked for this?  I kid you not, I asked for a divine intervention.  Quitting smoking has been on my mind for a long long time.  And I always felt like a slave to it.  And I felt hopeless that I would forever be a slave to it.  I prayed and prayed that God/The Universe will somehow intervene and just take away the desire to smoke.  I knew with my type of stubbornness, an 'event' needed to happen....something that will shift my perception of smoking.....basically, something needed to scare the shit out of me.  I didn't want to say, but I did...something a little more traumatic, you know, to shake me up.  I didn't think it was actually really getting sick and going into the hospital for it......and I'll be paying for it too so, good reminder there.

Right before I got discharged, the head nurse who was taking care of me (who also happened to be my friend's mother....crazy) walked me around the floor a bit.  Well, of course, there would be lung cancer/lung disease patients on my floor.  That's how The Universe works.  I saw a woman laying in her bed.   I only poked my head in for a quick second  because she had family with her, but my nurse said, "Alex, you never ever want to be hooked up, especially to that machine."  I asked, "Why?"  "Because you have no control over anything.  The machine just pumps air in and out of you constantly, and you're not even conscious most of the time."

Omg, I just felt what that would feel like.....to not have control over your body, your mind, and your breath.   But, I only dealt with it for maybe 8 hours and then I was myself again.  Not for her....this is it.  Honestly, that's some scary shit to see, and it made me feel a lot of stuff....scared, anger, guilt, hopeless, numb..........All that discomfort I felt from it, I went home and immediately had a cigarette, and then some.   Bah hahaha.  Aren't we funny creatures?  I'm happy I can laugh about this.

My quitting didn't happen right away, but I see these were all strategically placed in my life to help me get to this point.  In a weird way, it's like I was preparing for it.

But, preparing and preparing is a vicious cycle in itself.  Sometimes, you gotta resort to the 'band aid' approach and just rip that bitch off.

And cold turkey works....if done the correct way.  I wasn't a believer in the cold turkey method but, I am now.  That's what The Kerry Gaynor Method did, is doing for me.  It's not about addiction guys....it's about belief.  Just change your belief about cigarettes and you'll be FREEEEEEE.  

This is some profound self-love, transformation, healing.  I'm not just letting cigs go, I'm letting 20 years of stuff go too.  There's definitely grieving happening too.  I haven't necessarily started eating more, because my cravings aren't bad, but I have been crying more.  

I'm also learning about what real power is, and what it feels like.  It really does come from within.  It's confronting all those parts of you and dealing.  DEALING with them rather than 'fixing it' and staying busy with a cigarette.  In those moments where I feel like I may cave....I remember, "It's just a MOMENT" and then DEAL with my moment, and then use the tools Kerry Gaynor teaches you.  It's not easy, but it is simple.  You just gotta do it.  

Guys, I'm not scared of anything right now.  I really don't think there's anything I can't do.  I'm walking around like, "What?  You think I'm scared of you?  Pssssssssssshhhhh, I quit smoking cigarettes, son!  Get out of my way."

'Turning over a new leaf' as they say.  I'm thinking of my trip to the hospital like my version of The Ghost Of Christmas Future.  I saw what that next puff can do to me...will do to me.  I see how I stopped myself from creating my worst fear from coming true...dying a slow death with no self-control.  I asked for help and I received help.  Now it's my turn to do my part.

It's time.  It's just time.  I'm doing it because I'm realizing how precious breathing really is.  And to be able to do it on your own.  Another stop on my journey to self-love.  Alllllllll aboard!!

This is when they said I could be a 'walker'.  I can walk by myself as long as I dragged that thing with me.  Again, just glad to be able to smile and laugh about it.  Seriously.

Oh yes, in case you're wondering how I'm doing now.....I'm gonna live.........happily ever after.  For real though, I saw a cardiologist and everything, and got more blood work done....everything came back fine.  I have some theories but, it was one of those strange things that just happen, I guess.  And a shoutout to my roomie for saving my life.  I love you, Ash.  :)

Have a super THRIVING week, peeps.  

As always, 

with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Strong Is The New Sexy". Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 37-41.

Jenny Yang Photography

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  'Diary Of The THRIVING Actress' blog is undergoing some major REINVENTION right now!  I am too, I guess.  Thank you for bearing with me as I post less for the time being.  This blog will have its own home on alexandrachoi.com soon.  Hell yeah!!!!  Guys, I'm so excited for this because I am creating a virtual home for me.  I hope you like it.

*  Here's my NEW REEL!  Thank you to my friend, Chris Capizzi for cutting this.
When it comes to reels now, 30 sec and under.  And they want drama separate from comedy.  Why?  Because time is money, peeps.  And casting directors just want to see if you can act.....and that doesn't take long.  Also, a comedy casting director doesn't want to see drama, they want to see comedy, and vice versa.  Makes sense.  So, here is my 30 sec DRAMA REEL!  Comedy one coming soon.









Now on to the main attraction.....



I lost some weight.  About 15-17 lbs.  I'm 5'7" and now I'm down to 96, 97 lbs.

I'm scared.

And this is not sexy.

I'm not trying to lose weight.  The weight just won't stay on.

The photo on top is from one of my most recent shoots.  You can probably tell by my arm how thin I am right now.

Granted, I'm not eating as much these days (and by not eating much I mean, I eat like one meal a day with snacks here and there) because I have no appetite.  I mean, I do but, there's just a lot on my mind,.................. I think, and eating feels like a chore at times.  However, even on my binge eating days my stomach doesn't feel full....I feel like a bottomless pit.  I go through periods of not eating as much, periods of binge eating, but this a little strange.  The weight just keeps dropping and dropping.  I even went into emergency a few weeks back.  ( I'll write more on this in the next post because this was a trip).

The severe weight loss started some time early this year, but it was so gradual that if you saw me everyday, you wouldn't really notice (like my roommate didn't really notice until I told her my weight the other day).  But, friends I haven't seen in a minute, they say something because, I guess it's noticeable.

Ever since I was little I was skinny.  I get it from my dad's side.  They're all thin and tall.  But, I got made fun of for being TOO skinny.  "Olive Oyl", "ET fingers", "chopstick", "toothpick", "twig", "branch", blah blah blah.  So, I have "issues" about looking too thin, know what I'm sayin?  While probably the majority of the population may look in the mirror and see themselves heavier than they really are, I look at myself and see the opposite......and in some cases, the opposite sex.  I feel like I look like a man.  Because I didn't grow up with boobs, an ass, hips, nothing....just broad shoulders.  I think androgynous is cool now but, growing up??  I didn't want to look like a man.  One time one of my worst nightmares came true....someone actually asked me if I was a swimmer in college and I freaked.  You know, swimmers and shoulders.

I feel like every move I make isn't graceful but, awkward.  I also don't like my face so gaunt...I think it makes me look older.  I'm afraid I look sick and unhealthy too....and what's scary is that I can't even tell myself.   For example, I have been 'checking in' with friends before posting pictures to social media if I look too skinny.  I have always told my friends that if I ever get to that point, TELL ME.  Also, not like I have to at all these days, but I don't like sitting on anyone's lap ( for example, growing up in a big family, we had to cram into cars a lot and I had to sit on or be sat on), and every time I sat on someone's lap, the jokes would start about how my bony butt was hurting them....embarrassing!  So, when you ask your significant other or friends, "Do I look fat?", I ask, "Do I look like a man?" or "Do I look sick?".

In college, I actually started to pack on some pounds.  I loved it.  Because boys were now finally giving me the attention that I deserved....."Daaaaamn, look at that ass!"  In my college days and up to my mid 20's, I was 'The Asian with a fatty", and I totally let that get to my head.  Now, look at me.....just like every other Asian girl......ass as flat as a pancake.  Is this karma?  :D  I reconnected with an ex from my 'Asian with the fatty' days and he was like, "What happened to your ass?!"  Bah hahahaha, guys, I'm laughing but, I'm really crying inside.

So now the time has finally come....my friends are telling me I look sick.  Honestly, they don't have to tell me...I know.  My clothes don't fit, I see it in pictures, I feel weak,  and it's affecting my state of mind.  It's a mind fuck, guys.......right to the head.

I do feel like half of a person...half of me right now.  And I guess it's physically manifesting this way.  I feel like I'm disappearing.  This is a real fear.......I feel like I'm disappearing.  So not sexy.  There's also this constant lump in my throat.  Like I'm not saying something....or it could be this damn choker I've been wearing.

These could be symptoms for anything.  I know, because I googled it.  I'm already playing out worst case scenarios in my head about seeing the doctor this week, but I'm also doing things on my end to gain some weight and relieve some stress till then.

Stress..........effin stress.  It's probably stress.  And what's crazy is that I don't even feel that stressed.  I'm stressed but, not more than other times.  I don't know if I have just become desensitized by it, but it doesn't feel any more unmanageable now than it did when my weight is normal.  Although, there are moments when I'm driving and I'll feel a slight numbness happening on the left side of my face.  I'm gonna stop now because I feel like I sound like a hypochondriac.

Strong is the new sexy, not feeling slow, weak and lethargic all the time.  I might as well be dead then.....sorry for the morbidity.

Just take care of yourself.  Peace.



Have a healthy and THRIVING week, peeps.


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"I'm Having A Baby! FIGURATIVELY!" Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 35-36.

Photo by:  Cammy Kinney Photography

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*   A THANK YOU shout out to  Cammy Kinney, Jenny Yang, Chris Capizzi, and Amaris Modesto!  My website wouldn't be possible without you!  Thank you so much for your talent, skills, time and patience!!!  Yaaaay!!!!  Go team!!  I'm so blessed!!  I'm so grateful!!!!  Ow Ow OWWWWW!!!!

Here's a photoshoot with Cammy and me, with Jenny behind the camera, and Chris with lighting and set design.  How dope, right?!!

Now on to the main attraction....

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm having a baby!  FIGURATIVELY!!

Actually, I'm having a website!!

Who else got scared besides me?!  Bah hahaha.

Whenever I'm in creating mode, I feel like I'm preggers and when it's done, it's like giving birth.  Interestingly enough, your 2nd chakra (your sex organs) is actually linked to creativity....go figure.   And as a woman in her thirties, it's natural for me to think about procreating.  However, I think I'm still open.  I'd like to have a couple of my own, but honestly, I've been pretty passive about it in this department.  I guess I'm still undecided.  So, instead, to still feel like a 'productive' woman (pun absolutely intended), I think of all my body of work as my babies....every piece of writing, every photograph, every video, everything is done with the intention of creating something out of so much love and pain, and then letting it go with hopes that it does its own thing and adds value to the world in some way.  This is my legacy so far.  Huh, I guess I want to be remembered after all.

Anyways, there's a website incubating in me and I'm like a new mom that wants to keep the baby all to myself but, I can't wait to see it and share it with the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to THANK YOU for reading and supporting this blog....seriously.  It means a lot to me.  I know I've been a little flaky with the posts lately, but I'm figuring things out with my life.  For example......Diary Of The THRIVING Actress (DOTTA) is undergoing some major reinvention!!   Yaaay!!!

My goal as of right now is my personal website....alexandrachoi dot com!!  Oh snap, so official.  :D

I'm working with a web designer to create a virtual home space for me.  I'm also working with amazing friends who are helping me build content.  I'm creating creating creating right now!  (And just because it isn't a real live baby doesn't mean my hormones aren't raging....they are.  I'm a monster these days...don't cross me pls.  I tailgated a girl in her car the other day because she cut me off and then when I honked at her, she gave me the finger....so I followed her....for blocks...turns and all.......anyways...what was I saying?)

I've been running on adrenaline for the past month since my trip to Texas and I haven't really had time to breathe and experience the experience of creating my very own website.  I know it sounds kind of silly but, this is a big deal for me.

I've had the domain name alexandrachoi dot com for about 5 or 6 years.  I tried and tried and tried making one myself on Wix, then Wordpress, then Square Space, and gave up after a few frustrating moments.  I also started this blog during that time and it became my baby so I didn't really feel the need to create an official website....until now.

I've been feeling like this baby wants to grow and I've been holding it back because I feel like I'm not good enough to support its evolution.  I'm scared shit.  Creating is one thing, and starting a business is a whole other beast.  I'm tackling both right now.

The things I want to create now....create later...they scare me.  Because that means I believe in myself.  And saying I believe in myself, and actually doing something about it?  Yes, can be mutually exclusive.  I can just talk and talk and talk about it....think and think and think about it.

You know what?  Honestly, to give myself some credit....I think I'm the type of person to talk shit, a little.  To gear myself up, you know?  I like use my pride to my advantage.  I say things out loud, I post things publicly, because that's me holding myself accountable.  If I say I'm gonna do it...I'll do it................................eventually.

As I write this post, I'm forced to think about all of this, what I'm creating, why I'm creating.  Ooh, feeling a my heart chakra open up a bit.  Ahem.

God/The Universe, thank you.  (Omg, there's a newborn baby crying its lungs out right now somewhere and because I'm having trouble concentrating because of it, I just thought, "Shut that baby up!"  Omg, is this more telling?).  :D
God/The Universe, because in spite of all my fears and doubts, I trust that I'm in alignment with my path, and I'm also taking  control of creating my destiny.

Peeps, I have a BIG dream.  So BIG that it's scary and exciting.  The scared one wins over from time to time though.  I'm not mad.  Some days I think my dream is inevitable...others days, it seems as though it may just slip through my fingers and I'll be 60 years old thinking, "F*******ck".

I think about my family a lot.  I do this for them too, you know.  I'm making a list of everything I want to do, and have been doing.  I have to now.  I have a team that's holding me accountable.  (I'll write about this in another post.  Exciting stuff are happening!)  And as I write it all down, one by one...I can't help but realize....as BIG as my dream is....IT IS FUCKING POSSIBLE.

And it begins right now...right here...with one action.  Me sitting my ass down and finishing this post, is my one action right now.  I don't know if you guys know how much I love my blog, but writing a post out isn't the easiest thing.  (Each post is like giving birth too, p.s.).  But, I do it.    I don't make money off my blog....it was never intended for that.  The payoff comes after I finish a post.  It's like I lived my life for the day.  It's like I added value in some way.  It buys my Soul more time....I'm alive when I'm writing.  Can you put a price on that?

At the same time, there's an entrepreneur in me that won't leave me alone until I really give it a go.  I want to build a brand, a business.  I really do dream of building an empire one day.  Go big or go home, you know?  

So, my team and I are coming up with a plan to get a legit production underway.  We're actually doing it already.  We already have a few shoots under our belts.  We're figuring out ways to utilize our strengths, create great stuff, have fun while doing it, and monetize too.

Funny thing is, I feel like I'm starting from scratch again, but I'm not really.  I've been building for years now.  It's literally taking all those mistakes and lessons and applying them now.  And I adjust, tweak, modify well (maybe I should thank my slight co-dependent nature for that) but, it doesn't take me long to figure out another way if need be.  Keep it moving.

I'm a huge Tony Robbins fan.  ACTION ACTION ACTION is KEY to your success.  I've taken action on getting this website done for 5 or 6 years by buying the domain name and attempting to make one myself.  Today, I have a team that's helping me build content, I've hired a web designer, and we already have a few productions underway........MASSIVE ACTION.  I'm learning what my strengths and weaknesses are....there are certain things I need to learn and know myself, and other things...delegate, pay, do what you gotta do....because at the end of the day, shit needs to get done.

I'm kind of in the 'womb', 'in the trenches' with this baby.  I'm telling you, I'm feeling it....there are changes....not quite pregnancy changes but, changes nonetheless.

I lost my ass, I'm losing weight, drinking more coffee, sleeping less, meditating more, skin's clearing up, feeling slightly manic and bipolar at times, either lots of energy or none, drinking more water, grey hairs are popping up like crazy, and moody.  Just to name a few.

Kind of cool, huh?  This is an EPIC moment for me.  I'm building my very own personal website...my home....and I get to decorate it any way I want.  I can do whatever the hell I want!  And I'm celebrating as soon as this post is done to remind myself, and celebrate myself....because you gotta do that every step of the way.  No matter what, success has already begun.  And this baby is on its way!  Baby (website),  I've procrastinated for you long enough.  It is time.  I'm scared of how you'll turn out looking and if I'll even be able to keep you alive, but I'm going for it.  

Seriously, I can't wait to countdown to when the website goes live!!  Aaaahhhhh, I can feel the tingle in my body already.

Have a THRIVING week, peeps!

with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

Have a THRIVING week, peeps!

with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"The Power Of Words." Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 30-34

Photo by:  Jenny Yang

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week....

*  Hi Guys!  I'll be adding a little fashion to the blog!  I'm collaborating with my friend and photographer, Jenny Yang and we're going to do our version of #ootd (outfit of the day).  I'm so stoked for this because I love shopping and fashion.  Hell yeah!

*  My personal website is still under construction.  We're still working on logo and building each page.  It's going to take some time but I can't wait when it's done!!




Now on to the main attraction....




I'm back from Texas, ya'll!  Did ya miss me?

I had the best time ever.  I spent the first week in Lamesa with my best friend Cammy, then the week after I flew to Houston and stayed with my baby sister.  It was two weeks of non-stop action for me...photoshoots with Cammy, roadtripping with her and her fiance, hanging out with their family, then with my sister, another roadtrip and hanging out with her for her birthday.  Got to check off some things from my bucket list, like riding a horse, shooting a gun (a live gun, peeps, not a prop), did a lot of water activities like kayaking and water tubing, and just hung out with people....I did what Texans do, how they do it, when they do it, and it was a lot of fun.  I feel like I was from the South in a past life...there's something familiar about it to me.

But, not everything was familiar.  Guys, I know I'm gonna sound naive here, but racism still exists.

I was born in Korea and grew up in Brooklyn.  And Brooklyn has so many different ethnicities that if you said something racist, you're potentially starting a group thing because nobody fights alone back home.  So, yes, I dealt with some racism, but those were squashed quick.  And now I'm in LA...the most liberal, peace-loving state.  I've been sheltered.  Or have the ignorant people been sheltered?

And now with Mike Brown?  The nation is sensitive.  Well, almost.

Because if we keep using ignorance as an excuse....well, in my opinion, that's insensitive.

And when can you say it's ignorance or racism?  Am I the one that's just being too sensitive here?  These are questions I have to ask myself so I don't take on other people's shit.  But, do I really have to?  It seems unfair, but it is what it is.

For example, this happened here in LA, like not even a year ago...I started a new class.  We were all going around introducing ourselves.  It was my turn.  After I said my name and what I wanted to get out of the class, someone asked me what my ethnicity was.  (Honestly, this probably happens 70% of the time I meet anybody, or they take a guess at what I am....why?)  Anyways, I said, "Korean."  Another lady jumped in and said, "Oh, my son is dating a lovely Korean girl."  I said, "Oh cool!  Do you know her last name?"  You know, since we all have the same last names like Choi, Kim, Park, Lee, etc....  She said she didn't know or she forgot and said this...."I'm so proud that me and my husband didn't raise our boys to be bigots."  ????????????????????????  (blink blink blink blink).

Uh, ladies and gentlemen....I don't care if you're Korean or not, wouldn't you find it a little jarring to say the least?  It gets better.  She all of a sudden remembered something...."Oh wait, maybe she's Thai.", she said.  Keep shoving that foot in your mouth, lady.

This was also in front of a class.  It was so awkward, I felt bad for the both of us...seriously.

Ok ok, she was probably just ignorant or she was afraid to come off racist so she said things that actually backfired.  Regardless, let me just tell you, when you're on the receiving end of racism or ignorance, or whatever the hell you want to call it...IT SUCKS and IT HURTS.



I was in Austin and this is what I heard, "Ooooh look at that Chinese girl..that Chinese girl is hot.  Nay ho ma."

Now, before I respond/react to that.....take a moment, put yourself in my shoes,......how does that feel?  You're just minding your own business, just Instagram stalking, and a group of douchebags walk by and say, "Oooh look at that Chinese girl..that Chinese girl is hot.  Nay ho ma."


 

Then in Lamesa I heard the N word being used like the word "the", and not by black people, and they weren't following along to a rap song either.  It was the word...in its purity.  There were even new words made up that derived from the N word.  I was shocked.  "But, I'm here, right in front you, what makes you think that's ok?  Because I'm not black?"  But, at the same time, I knew they were only saying it because they just used it like the word "the".  I can be mad but, could I stay mad at them for it?  Now, I heard the word once.....eh, let it slide........Twice?.....please don't make me say something, because I don't know what to say, how to say it.  And just then, my best friend Cammy said, "You know, you should really stop using that word because it's offensive and honestly, I'm kind of feeling offended myself.  Alex's boyfriend was black,  I don't think she likes hearing that."

It's like the record stopped.

Now, why do you think the record stopped??  I can think of at least two reasons...they felt stupid and/or they finally felt the power of their words.

I told them politely that I understood where they were coming from, but at the same time, I had to deal with some racism myself, and seeing the type of racism that happened to my ex.....it's hurtful.

I didn't hear the word again.

Who knows if they'll stop using it ever, but they stopped while I was there.  They apologized too.

When I got back home to LA, I still carried this discomfort in my body, of feeling like "Damn, am I gonna be the only Asian here?  Are they staring me?  Am I welcomed or not welcomed?, etc...".  Just two weeks of it and I still brought that shit back with me in my body.  Now, can you imagine for generations?  I mean, the type of sense memory stuff that you're probably not even conscious of.  I do believe black men have to deal with racism on a whole other level.  There's history there.  I used to get pissed at my ex for not sticking up for himself more, but I see he was battling more than just a person.  It's goes deeper.

It does take a strong mind to clear away all the bullshit and figure out the TRUTH for ourselves.

Do you realize how much of us isn't really us?  For example, using the N word.....is that really you?  Is that something that makes you happy saying?  OR, Being called the N word and accepting it as you....is that really you?  Question it all and see for yourself.

Words...you can hurt someone with them, you can be hurt by them.  But at the end of the day, it's all up to you.




"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."  -  John Lennon.

Have a THRIVING week, peeps!


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"I'm In The Zone....The Danger Zone." Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 27-29.

Mark Mazzanti Photography

Hair and MUA:  Galaxy San Juan

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  Hi guys!  As I'm building content for my personal website, I'm thinking of cool new ways to interact with you more and have some fun while we're all 'doing the work' together.  If you're on any of the social media platforms you see to your left, 'Friend', 'Follow', 'Add' me!  

*  I'm collecting testimonials/comments from my blog readers for my site!  If you have something nice to say about this blog, please do so!  I'll add it to my site.  :D  And all you need to include is your first name, last name is optional, and City/State.  Thank you!

*  I will be in Texas for two weeks!  Leaving next week and will be there til early August.  I'm going for work and play.  First week I'll be seeing my best friend Cammy Kinney and shooting with her, then the week after I'll be with my sister for her birthday.  So excited!  Cammy already has scouted locations, my sister has also got cool things planned.  I'll be posting pics on Instagram and Facebook, for sure.  :D

Now on to the main attraction.....

Here's what happens when you create......YOU GET IN THE ZONE, and sometimes, that zone is NOT pretty.  

I'm in the zone....the danger zone.

Here's my danger zone....I start something, I get about 1/2 - 3/4 of the way through and then, I stop.  I move away from it because something else seems more 'urgent' all of a sudden, I get bored with it, it all seems like complete crap now, things aren't clicking easily, maybe I'm not suppose to finish this after all, I get nasty with people, I become a hermit, I go into a shell, I become slightly manic, blah blah blah...you know how it is.

My danger zone used to be actually the starting point.  I pushed through that and now I've plateau-ed here...the 'halfway' or 'almost' done mark.  I got so used to thinking that my danger zone was the beginning, and because starting is easy for me now, I thought, "I'm in the clear."

Wrong.  New danger zone.  I have a new breakthrough waiting for me.  This is how it is before a breakthrough....I know this shit already....I've been through this before....I've felt this feeling before.  THIS IS GROWTH.  PUSH THROUGH TO THE NEXT LEVEL.  I believe this awareness came to me because I'm ready now.  

Thank God for the awareness now at least.  I can figure out how to tackle this now.  The artist in me is still creating but, the business person, the professional in me is the one seeing it through.  

I'm juggling quite a few things at the moment...all stuff on the creating side.

*  Working on my personal website.....figuring out what my 'voice', 'style', 'brand' is and trying to incorporate that, then actually building content around that I feel good about.

*  Part of a writing/producing trio.

*  Flying to Texas to do a photoshoot with my best friend, photographer extraordinaire, Cammy Kinney next week!  It's for my new website and another project I'm finally executing.

*  Revamping and reinventing  my blog...since I'll have my own personal website, I'll probably transfer it over there so that everything's in one place.  

Writing that out....damn, I AM stepping it up.  I should give myself some credit.  It's a process, and I'm in it so the payoff of feeling that satisfaction isn't there YET but, I'm looking forward to that feeling afterwards.  I guess in essence, this whole post is really about focusing on the feeling after, not the feeling of going through it...then, why wouldn't you pull yourself out of it?  There's gonna be some pain in doing the work.  That's reality.  You're gonna be confronted with yourself too.  All our demons and angels will come out.  But, you'll make it through...as long as you focus on finishing and feeling that feeling when it's complete.  Because I'd rather the pain of work than the pain of no work, and regretting for having underestimated myself.  I cannot live with regret nor can I die with it.....and I will not.

So, even with this post, I'm now writing my last few sentences, I believe.  Believe me, I pulled away from my computer when I got to my danger zone.  Then, I realized Life Imitates Art, Art Imitates Life.  I laughed and got back to work...and here I am...finishing and shit.

Have a muddafuggin THRIVING week, peeps!

with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"How To Suffer." Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 26.

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week....

*  I booked a feature!  This will be my third project with Irena Belle Films.  I will also be dying in this one as well.  I got shot in the head in the last one....this one, I'll be getting stabbed to death.  Hollaaaaaaaaaaa.  It's a film noir/supernatural film.  I read the script last night and confirmed with the writer/director/producer that I'm in.  I also gave him a heads up with some travel dates for the coming months (had my fingers crossed that there wouldn't be any schedule conflicts).  Ummmm....he said they'll work around my schedule.  WHAAAAAAT?!!!!!  Guys, I didn't even have to audition.  He said he wrote the part for me and if I couldn't do it, he would have to audition other people.  I have people thinking of me when they write!!!  That's insane.  That's so insane.  I just slapped myself.

Magical things like this are beginning to show in my life again.  This is one of many already.  I'm aware of them, I'm grateful for them, and I'm going to do my best to keep the flow going by paying it forward the best I can.

Here is the The Silicon Assassins - Dead Reckoning episode I was in.  This is where I get shot in the head.  This episode alone got over 28,000 views!!


And here is the Behind The Scenes that I did for my vlog.




Now on to the main attraction.....


I'm in the beginning phases of getting my personal website made.  Guys, I'm finally doing this shit!!!!!!  This is scary and exciting for me.

It's scary because I feel like I've waited so long to finally do it and because I'm attempting to do stuff that hasn't been done before.

It's exciting because I've waited so long to finally do it and because I'm attempting to do stuff that hasn't been done before.

Know what I'm sayin?

Gotta be honest, there are moments......MOMENTS where I just want to be like, "Eh, let's forget the whole thing.  I'm good where I'm at.  No website, fine.  This torturous inner monologue about how I should stop procrastinating, I'll deal with it.  Even though I know I'll regret it, yes...I'm confirming to sign up for regret.  Sign me right up."

Bah hahahaha.  Is it just meeeeeee???

Yeah, just the thought of all the steps in between, and all the waiting in between.  Makes me want to yank my hair out already.  I have an impatient side and the control freak in me really wanted to work with a web designer based in LA.  Mine is based out of Brooklyn.  Ironic, yes?  Just the distance alone can make me feel antsy.  But, she's the one I want so I'm adjusting.  I've already thought of throwing in the towel before even starting.  There's pain in 'doing the work', and there's pain in not doing it.

Lesser of two evils, ladies and gentlemen.

Suffering seems to be in the cards no matter what.  To some degree.  Luckily, I get to choose how I want to suffer and for how long.

The payoff's in doing the work and getting the website finally done.  I know this because I've been suffering the pain of regret for some years now.  In Kundalini yoga, you learn to push through exercises even though your body is shaking and your mind is going bonkers....you learn to focus and stay in it until the end.  Pushing through is a muscle......literally and figuratively.  The more you work that muscle, the easier it gets to push through ANYTHING.

But, I also see why I didn't do it earlier.  I wasn't ready.  The stuff I want to incorporate now weren't even in my consciousness then.  I'm ready now.  I can feel it.  I see signs...you know me and signs. I've been seeing the number 4 a lot lately....A LOT.  Usually, whenever I look at the time it's 1:11 or 11:11, but for the past couple weeks.....4:44.  Spiritually speaking, this means my angels are around to help me initiate and follow through with my goals.  You see, I have divine help and still, I try to talk myself out of this.

Suffering is a part of the human condition and it's needed for growth.  (Of course, I'll probably write another post saying you don't need to suffer.....but, you know what I mean).  We just gotta learn How To Suffer.  When you 'suffer' for your work, you'll see it's not really suffering.  The suffering only is the beginning part...before you decide to start.  Once you decide and begin, the suffering changes to 'work'....and if anything, it starts to replenish you rather than deplete you of your energy.  That's what happens when you're working on behalf of your dreams....your dreams will start to carry you and whisk you to people, places, and things.    If you're gonna suffer, 'suffer' the work not the regret.  





Have a THRIVING week, peeps.


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex