"What does not kill me, makes me stronger."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Alanis Morissette once sang...."Isn't it Ironic? Don't you think?"
As an actress, I want to feel....feel everything and be fully aware of it while it's happening. Love, hate, joy, gratitude, awe, sadness, anger, jealousy, pain, excitement, guilt, etc... I want it all. But, as Alex, no. As Alex I want to be as far away from it as possible...even the good stuff. But, it's taken its toll.
I started breaking out a couple of months ago. And I'm not talking about a zit here and there...I'm talking about cystic. I'm talking about it literally taking over 40-50% of my face. I'm talking about it's gotten to the point where make-up no longer conceals but reveals, I'm talking about waking up every morning and hoping to see just a little more of my clear skin than the infected skin. I'm talking about willing to try anything to cure this. I am so serious that I have 2 dermatologists. I feel like that commercial for Pro-Active where everyone says the same thing...."I've tried everything and nothing worked."
I've been acne prone my whole life. Acne is stressful for anybody with it, but, now imagine being an actress and your face is your product. It breaks my heart. I've heard numerous times "Don't worry, you'll grow out of it", "Oh, it's just stress..stop stressing over it", "It's probably your diet", and my mother's favorite line.."It'll go away when you get married and have a baby." Uh, no, no, no, and NO.
The truth of the matter is...it's not going to go away until I figure out the root of it. Yes, all of the above plays an intricate part but, I know in my heart that it's more deep-rooted.
A couple of years ago, my grandfather, the patriarch of the family passed away. Although he was sick for a year before he died, it was quite a shock to everyone. That man practically raised me, my sister, and my four cousins. He taught us how to ride our first bikes, our first roller skates, took us fishing or to the park every weekend, drove me to and from school because I was always playing hooky, taught us to drive, etc.. He was the best grandpa. His funeral was one of the hardest things ever. Even though we say we should celebrate our loved ones passing, it's hard when you're surrounded by others feeling so much pain. And you know the other saying..."can't beat'em, join'em"...well, I did just that but, it was too painful so, I found a way to stay strong and numb. I still don't think it has hit me that he's gone. I'm actually very afraid to feel it when it happens. But, I owe it to him and I owe it to me. My mother didn't even shed a tear. She's the eldest girl of 6 children. Her mother, brothers and sisters were crying uncontrollably around her but, she remained still and quiet. Too still. Too quiet. It worried me. I could see how much she wanted to cry with them but, didn't or couldn't. She said she was too scared. My mom scared?? She was too scared to even let a tear out because she said she was afraid of what would happen to her. I felt fear enter my body. I felt it. This scared the shit out of me for her so I got mad at her. I wanted to either shake or beat the tears out of her. She's practiced living without feeling for so long that when it came time for her to actually feel something meaningful to her, she couldn't. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I saw myself in her at that moment. And that turned into anger towards her which then turned into compassion but, I didn't know what to do with it so I turned it right back into anger again. Sorry mom I didn't understand then, but I do now.
I've never liked to cry. I guess I get it from my mom. My mom used to say to me when I cried "you look so ugly when you cry"...of course, she didn't say this to be mean...this was her way of saying "pretty girls don't cry." In a way, I agree with her because I don't cry...I sob...and it will get ugly. My body sweats like crazy, my nose runs like crazy, my face makes faces, my legs get shaky so I roll up into a ball, all the muscles in my body feel like they're trying to tear out of my skin, my face turns red, I'm gasping for air, my eyes get super swollen and I can't even open them, the world seems like it's going to end right then and there. And it doesn't even matter what I'm crying about, all of a sudden I feel like I'm crying for my mother, my father, my sister, my family, my friends, the world. In the most ugliest moment, comes something beautiful though. Because when it passes, I'm able to breathe in the deepest breath like I've never smoked a cigarette in my life, my muscles feel more relaxed than ever like I just walked out of the spa, my face looks red but, dewy like I just got a facial, my eyes are swollen but they look big and funny. And by the time I blow my nose for the last time and check the mirror for boogers, all I can do is laugh. Laugh at how ridiculous I look but, laugh because I do feel much better.
We all have skeletons in our closets. We all have demons. We all have our own private and quiet sufferings. But, that's our greatest teacher. That's where I need to begin to heal. The side of me, the pieces of me that I've locked away..far away..at least I thought I did. But, that dark side never left me. It just pretended and grew 10 times more powerful. And now I see how it's manifested in my life..affecting all aspects of my life....so, cunningly. Of course with all those years of suppressing toxic thoughts and actions, it's bound to come out and show its face. In my case, it's literally showing on my face. I probably know my acne way better than any doctor in the world. My body is my best indicator of what's going on with me, inside of me...I just need to listen to it. You can never get rid of your dark side...because it's a part of you. My dark side is my beautiful monster...my beautiful monster makes me the actress that I am...my beautiful monster will help me change the world. So I can't hate it. I can't condemn it. Because it'll just make it stronger. Instead, I'm going to see it for what it is..my dark side. I'm going to communicate with it. I'm going to work with it. I'm going to accept it. (SIGH)
Even writing this blog has helped me celebrate my beautiful monster. I think a zit just went away. :) The best way to celebrate your dark side without hurting yourself or anyone else....get creative with it. As long as I "feed the monster", she'll work with me and not against me. My EGO, my RESISTANCE just needs some attention...but, proper attention. So, on this wonderful Sunday, say hi to your EGO and see what and how you guys can work together.
Peace and LOVE
Alex
