"You betta check yo'self before you wreck yo'self". Television, Here I Come......Again! Week 50.

One of my personalities, "Choi".  Her trademark is the hoop earrings.  More on her and rest of personalities coming soon too.  :)

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  Yaaay!!!  My logos are here!  I have three logos now.  NEW YORKIE CHOI is my company/business name.  It's like 'the mother' to the sub-brands.  I have also decided to use the same name for my shop.  Then, my sub-brands....the two 'older kids', Diary Of The THRIVING Actress and HOT n FUNNY Asian Chick.

Now on to the main attraction......

You better check yo'self before you wreck yo'self.          - Ice Cube

I'm a monster these days.  An entitled, intolerant monster.  I'm writing this post to check myself.

This whole 'starting my own business' thing is turning me into a raging lunatic.  I have moments where I 'lose it'.  I 'lost it' with a sweet Korean lady at the Korean supermarket because I already purchased something, and on my way out, I realized I forgot to buy kimchi.  I went back in, got kimchi and went to a different register.  Long story short, the second lady needed proof of first purchase (I threw out the receipt, duh), which meant it would take 2-3 more minutes out of my day.  It pissed me off so much that I kind of scolded her.  I scolded a fifty something Korean lady (I was brought up to respect my elders so while this was happening, there was also a mindfuck happening because I could not believe who I was being).  Now, I also could have just went back to the first lady, not even worry about proof of purchase, pay for my kimchi there and be done with it, but noooooooooooo.....not this day, not this hour.  How dare she question my integrity and waste my precious time?!?!?!  I was out for blood, ladies and gentlemen.  I committed to losing that 2-3 minutes of my day now, and she was going to pay.  

I drove home verbally and mentally slapping myself afterwards because I felt like a disgusting human being.  

And this has been going on.  And I can't stop.  I'm sure I can, but I'm not trying hard enough.  And then this makes me feel shitty so, guess what, I need another victim to scold and 'teach a lesson' to......and so on and so on.  The struggle is real.  The hustle is real.  :D

But, the point of this post is to check myself........with love.

I'm acting like a raging lunatic because I'm just scared to fail.  I'm scared to lose, I'm scared to get hurt, I'm scared to disappoint, I'm scared to change, I'm scared to prove the naysayers right, I'm scared to feel misunderstood, what else.......I'm scared to make mistakes, I'm scared to get used, I'm scared to 'get the short end of the stick', I'm scared to lose control, I'm scared to feel unheard, I'm scared to feel like a nobody, I'm scared to feel like a somebody.  I'm scared that if I feel like anything or anyone may throw me off course, I want your head, and I'm a woman with a new mission.  But the woman taking off heads is really just the little girl in me that's scared.  

That's kind of crazy, isn't it?  That my monster is really a scared little girl just trying to protect herself and do things perfectly.  

:)

I think I just checked myself.   With love.

Checkmate, mate.

Ok, gotta go.  Byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Have a THRIVING week, peeps.  Go take off some heads.  Bah hahahaha.  :D

with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex