"Turning Over A New Leaf....Bye Cigs!" Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 42-44.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  I just got a call while I was writing this that I'm ON AVAIL for a commercial.  Wish me luck!

*  Here's a new video!  Guys, I'm getting back to making more videos.  Here's a little introduction to some of the ladies you'll be meeting shortly.  Welcome,  mah bitches!!!  :D :D

Now on to the main attraction.....

Well, let me begin by saying..........boom boom BOOM!  

Yes, that's right....I am a non-smoker for life now.  Ladies and gentlemen, I have been a closet-smoker for 20 years.  We started early in Brooklyn.  I haven't gone more than 1 or 2 days tops without a cigarette in probably 10 years.   Until NOW.  Whaaaaaaaaaaat.

I started smoking a pack a day.....Newports at that.  Then in high school I wanted to be more healthier so I switched to Newport Lights.  And then in college, went even more healthier by switching to Parliament Lights because they had the air filters.....big whoop.  And then since moving to Los Angeles, I only smoked Organic American Spirit, the dark blue box....I became a snobby smoker just to make myself feel better about smoking.  And for years, I cut down from one pack to maybe 5 cigs a day....but, this year, I have been back up to about half a pack a day.

My family doesn't really know I smoke.  I've been caught by Joy Choi, my mother a few times with cigarettes dropping out of my bag and maybe once or twice out of my mouth....I would deny deny deny.  Even now when I go back home to visit, Joy Choi asks me from time to time, "Do you smoke?"  And I'm like, "Yes, but just occasionally" because I can't lie to her, but I never admitted to being an actual 'everyday smoker'.  All my close friends know I smoke, but acquaintances and people I meet, not so much.  I actually recently posted a picture of me smoking on Instagram and people were like, "What?  You don't smoke!"  Honestly, I felt like they were judging me....which meant I was really judging me.  So many rules around smoking in my head....I'm sick of it.  It's time to be done with this shit.  You know what I'm sayin?

I got a little divine intervention....pun intended.  Read on.

I wrote in my last post about losing a lot of weight recently, and not by choice.  I went into emergency about a month ago.  I woke up one morning feeling nauseous, I broke out into a cold sweat, and my body wouldn't stop shaking.  I kept trying to throw up, but nothing.  I couldn't position myself to feel better.  My skin color turned like yellow-green....I did not look okay at all.  My roommate rushed me to emergency.  From there, things got scary fast.  

Can you imagine someone tugging on your big toe just to keep you awake when all you want to do is close your eyes and sleep?  "Hey, you're gonna stay awake for us, right?"  Just hearing that makes you feel like you'll accidentally die if you allow yourself to sleep.  Your survival instincts kick in........how badly do you want to live?  You have no control over your body but, you have the power to decide whether you want to fight or give up.

Can you imagine hearing a nurse talk to your roommate and asking about your health history and family info, and even mentioning a living will?  A f*cking living will.

Can you imagine constantly hearing the heart rate monitor beeping because your heart rate won't stop dropping and no one could figure out why, and they're sticking defibrillators on you just in case they have to resuscitate you?

I had no control over anything.  Not even my own breath.  Inhaling was difficult, exhaling was worse....it made me even more nauseous and as if my body was at war with itself.  I had no choice but to surrender.....surrender to the pain, surrender to my body, surrender to the doctors and nurses, surrender to God/The Universe.....just surrender.  

I'm not very good at surrendering.  So having no choice was probably the best thing that could have happened.

Did you know I asked for this?  I kid you not, I asked for a divine intervention.  Quitting smoking has been on my mind for a long long time.  And I always felt like a slave to it.  And I felt hopeless that I would forever be a slave to it.  I prayed and prayed that God/The Universe will somehow intervene and just take away the desire to smoke.  I knew with my type of stubbornness, an 'event' needed to happen....something that will shift my perception of smoking.....basically, something needed to scare the shit out of me.  I didn't want to say, but I did...something a little more traumatic, you know, to shake me up.  I didn't think it was actually really getting sick and going into the hospital for it......and I'll be paying for it too so, good reminder there.

Right before I got discharged, the head nurse who was taking care of me (who also happened to be my friend's mother....crazy) walked me around the floor a bit.  Well, of course, there would be lung cancer/lung disease patients on my floor.  That's how The Universe works.  I saw a woman laying in her bed.   I only poked my head in for a quick second  because she had family with her, but my nurse said, "Alex, you never ever want to be hooked up, especially to that machine."  I asked, "Why?"  "Because you have no control over anything.  The machine just pumps air in and out of you constantly, and you're not even conscious most of the time."

Omg, I just felt what that would feel like.....to not have control over your body, your mind, and your breath.   But, I only dealt with it for maybe 8 hours and then I was myself again.  Not for her....this is it.  Honestly, that's some scary shit to see, and it made me feel a lot of stuff....scared, anger, guilt, hopeless, numb..........All that discomfort I felt from it, I went home and immediately had a cigarette, and then some.   Bah hahaha.  Aren't we funny creatures?  I'm happy I can laugh about this.

My quitting didn't happen right away, but I see these were all strategically placed in my life to help me get to this point.  In a weird way, it's like I was preparing for it.

But, preparing and preparing is a vicious cycle in itself.  Sometimes, you gotta resort to the 'band aid' approach and just rip that bitch off.

And cold turkey works....if done the correct way.  I wasn't a believer in the cold turkey method but, I am now.  That's what The Kerry Gaynor Method did, is doing for me.  It's not about addiction guys....it's about belief.  Just change your belief about cigarettes and you'll be FREEEEEEE.  

This is some profound self-love, transformation, healing.  I'm not just letting cigs go, I'm letting 20 years of stuff go too.  There's definitely grieving happening too.  I haven't necessarily started eating more, because my cravings aren't bad, but I have been crying more.  

I'm also learning about what real power is, and what it feels like.  It really does come from within.  It's confronting all those parts of you and dealing.  DEALING with them rather than 'fixing it' and staying busy with a cigarette.  In those moments where I feel like I may cave....I remember, "It's just a MOMENT" and then DEAL with my moment, and then use the tools Kerry Gaynor teaches you.  It's not easy, but it is simple.  You just gotta do it.  

Guys, I'm not scared of anything right now.  I really don't think there's anything I can't do.  I'm walking around like, "What?  You think I'm scared of you?  Pssssssssssshhhhh, I quit smoking cigarettes, son!  Get out of my way."

'Turning over a new leaf' as they say.  I'm thinking of my trip to the hospital like my version of The Ghost Of Christmas Future.  I saw what that next puff can do to me...will do to me.  I see how I stopped myself from creating my worst fear from coming true...dying a slow death with no self-control.  I asked for help and I received help.  Now it's my turn to do my part.

It's time.  It's just time.  I'm doing it because I'm realizing how precious breathing really is.  And to be able to do it on your own.  Another stop on my journey to self-love.  Alllllllll aboard!!

This is when they said I could be a 'walker'.  I can walk by myself as long as I dragged that thing with me.  Again, just glad to be able to smile and laugh about it.  Seriously.

Oh yes, in case you're wondering how I'm doing now.....I'm gonna live.........happily ever after.  For real though, I saw a cardiologist and everything, and got more blood work done....everything came back fine.  I have some theories but, it was one of those strange things that just happen, I guess.  And a shoutout to my roomie for saving my life.  I love you, Ash.  :)

Have a super THRIVING week, peeps.  

As always, 

with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex