Jenny Yang Photography
Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week.....
* 'Diary Of The THRIVING Actress' blog is undergoing some major REINVENTION right now! I am too, I guess. Thank you for bearing with me as I post less for the time being. This blog will have its own home on alexandrachoi.com soon. Hell yeah!!!! Guys, I'm so excited for this because I am creating a virtual home for me. I hope you like it.
* Here's my NEW REEL! Thank you to my friend, Chris Capizzi for cutting this.
When it comes to reels now, 30 sec and under. And they want drama separate from comedy. Why? Because time is money, peeps. And casting directors just want to see if you can act.....and that doesn't take long. Also, a comedy casting director doesn't want to see drama, they want to see comedy, and vice versa. Makes sense. So, here is my 30 sec DRAMA REEL! Comedy one coming soon.
Now on to the main attraction.....
I lost some weight. About 15-17 lbs. I'm 5'7" and now I'm down to 96, 97 lbs.
I'm scared.
And this is not sexy.
I'm not trying to lose weight. The weight just won't stay on.
The photo on top is from one of my most recent shoots. You can probably tell by my arm how thin I am right now.
Granted, I'm not eating as much these days (and by not eating much I mean, I eat like one meal a day with snacks here and there) because I have no appetite. I mean, I do but, there's just a lot on my mind,.................. I think, and eating feels like a chore at times. However, even on my binge eating days my stomach doesn't feel full....I feel like a bottomless pit. I go through periods of not eating as much, periods of binge eating, but this a little strange. The weight just keeps dropping and dropping. I even went into emergency a few weeks back. ( I'll write more on this in the next post because this was a trip).
The severe weight loss started some time early this year, but it was so gradual that if you saw me everyday, you wouldn't really notice (like my roommate didn't really notice until I told her my weight the other day). But, friends I haven't seen in a minute, they say something because, I guess it's noticeable.
Ever since I was little I was skinny. I get it from my dad's side. They're all thin and tall. But, I got made fun of for being TOO skinny. "Olive Oyl", "ET fingers", "chopstick", "toothpick", "twig", "branch", blah blah blah. So, I have "issues" about looking too thin, know what I'm sayin? While probably the majority of the population may look in the mirror and see themselves heavier than they really are, I look at myself and see the opposite......and in some cases, the opposite sex. I feel like I look like a man. Because I didn't grow up with boobs, an ass, hips, nothing....just broad shoulders. I think androgynous is cool now but, growing up?? I didn't want to look like a man. One time one of my worst nightmares came true....someone actually asked me if I was a swimmer in college and I freaked. You know, swimmers and shoulders.
I feel like every move I make isn't graceful but, awkward. I also don't like my face so gaunt...I think it makes me look older. I'm afraid I look sick and unhealthy too....and what's scary is that I can't even tell myself. For example, I have been 'checking in' with friends before posting pictures to social media if I look too skinny. I have always told my friends that if I ever get to that point, TELL ME. Also, not like I have to at all these days, but I don't like sitting on anyone's lap ( for example, growing up in a big family, we had to cram into cars a lot and I had to sit on or be sat on), and every time I sat on someone's lap, the jokes would start about how my bony butt was hurting them....embarrassing! So, when you ask your significant other or friends, "Do I look fat?", I ask, "Do I look like a man?" or "Do I look sick?".
In college, I actually started to pack on some pounds. I loved it. Because boys were now finally giving me the attention that I deserved....."Daaaaamn, look at that ass!" In my college days and up to my mid 20's, I was 'The Asian with a fatty", and I totally let that get to my head. Now, look at me.....just like every other Asian girl......ass as flat as a pancake. Is this karma? :D I reconnected with an ex from my 'Asian with the fatty' days and he was like, "What happened to your ass?!" Bah hahahaha, guys, I'm laughing but, I'm really crying inside.
So now the time has finally come....my friends are telling me I look sick. Honestly, they don't have to tell me...I know. My clothes don't fit, I see it in pictures, I feel weak, and it's affecting my state of mind. It's a mind fuck, guys.......right to the head.
I do feel like half of a person...half of me right now. And I guess it's physically manifesting this way. I feel like I'm disappearing. This is a real fear.......I feel like I'm disappearing. So not sexy. There's also this constant lump in my throat. Like I'm not saying something....or it could be this damn choker I've been wearing.
These could be symptoms for anything. I know, because I googled it. I'm already playing out worst case scenarios in my head about seeing the doctor this week, but I'm also doing things on my end to gain some weight and relieve some stress till then.
Stress..........effin stress. It's probably stress. And what's crazy is that I don't even feel that stressed. I'm stressed but, not more than other times. I don't know if I have just become desensitized by it, but it doesn't feel any more unmanageable now than it did when my weight is normal. Although, there are moments when I'm driving and I'll feel a slight numbness happening on the left side of my face. I'm gonna stop now because I feel like I sound like a hypochondriac.
Strong is the new sexy, not feeling slow, weak and lethargic all the time. I might as well be dead then.....sorry for the morbidity.
Just take care of yourself. Peace.
Have a healthy and THRIVING week, peeps.
with MAAAAD LOVE,
x Alex
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