'Fear Of Success, Who Meeee?' Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 13

Photo by Kelsey Edwards Photography

Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week......

*  Had a last minute meeting with a management agency this past weekend.  Yaaay!  Let's see what happens!

*  Remember the night-time mask, Nerium AD??  I started late last year but, didn't really stick to it routinely.  Also, my trip to New York for a month and half threw me off.  Well, I've been back on it, and using it regularly for a little over a month now.  My skin's AMAZING.  I keep getting compliments.  I, and my friends completely see a difference with my skin tone and texture.  My regular facials are helping with my acne but, I have lots of acne scars.  Nerium is definitely helping with the healing process.  Plus, it's tightening up my face.  It's like a fountain of youth in a bottle, I swear.  I should have, could have, taken more pics earlier....oh well.  I'm starting now.  Here's my skin, with no makeup.  NO MAKEUP!!  YESSSSSS!  

Do you see how smooth my skin is already??

Some dark spots and discoloration.  Dark acne scars are easier to rid than....

Ice pick/pock marks.  You can't really see but, I have those too.  Those are permanent but, Nerium helps fill them out.

Now on to the main attraction......

Fear of Success??  Who meeeeee????!!!!!!!!

Why would I fear success?  It's what I want.  Or so I thought.  

When I met with the management agency, they said, "You should be going out more."  Yeah, I'm gonna toot my own horn here,.....I agree.  But, I don't.  I know why.  Fear of success.  My internal conflict.

This is how it looks for me these days.  

I fear that I will become so successful that I will barely have time to eat, sleep, date, hang with friends, go on vacations, stick to my spiritual practices, work out with my trainer, see my family, play with my dog, take a nap, lay out in the Sun, and write my blog.  Sounds dramatic? 

I have come to live my life a certain way....the way it suits me, comfortably.  I like my freedom.  I like having options on how to spend my time.  I do well achieving things under pressure but, I do it with resentment at that point.  As much as I love the art and craft of acting and storytelling, and as lucky as I am to be able to pursue my dream, I know me......I know once I feel overwhelmed and not in control, I will be like a walking time bomb.  I will take things for granted and I won't enjoy a single thing.  That's what I'm afraid of.  Not being able to live my life on my terms and enjoying it.  But, what scares me even more is that my fear of this will actually hold me back from taking action.

For example, when I received a response about meeting with the management agency, I immediately felt, "Yaaaay!!!", then the voices started happening.  "What if I sign with them, they get me out a lot, and then I start booking and working like crazy.  That means Bells (my dog) will be home alone and that makes me feel sad and guilty.  What if my sleep schedule changes and I have to wake up at like 3 or 4 in the mornings?!  Then my hormones will go crazy again, and that will cause my acne to flare up again.  That means, I'm gonna have to go to bed earlier.  I already go to bed early....I'm gonna have no life.  What if the changes happen abruptly and simultaneously?  What if I can't handle them?  What if they change me?  Etc...etc.....etc.  

Can you believe I entertained the idea (hard) to decline the meeting??  I ask for one, I get it, and then I considered saying, "No, thanks."

According to my roommate, I tend to 'put the cart before the horse' in most scenarios.  Hahahahaha.  I do.

I do this because I know my breaking point, and I will stir up enough drama, in and out of me, to give me a reason to abandon my dream and responsibilities.  Because if I'm pushed to my limits, then I had no choice but to walk away,  play the victim, and I can forever blame everything and everyone outside of me for my unhappiness.  

Does that make sense?

Good news is, I'm not in denial about my not wanting to succeed.  I see my actions, lack of actions, my pattern.  

Fear is real but, it's not the truth. And they only become your truth when you allow it to stop you from taking action on behalf of your dreams, which is the ultimate reality.  YOUR DREAM IS THE ULTIMATE REALITY, not your fears.

Now what?

Now, it's to just sit with this new awareness.  This awareness is the gift and lesson itself.  This awareness will birth different thinking and different actions.  Hopefully.  And if it doesn't, that's okay too.  :)

You know.....this totally applies to my dating/love life too.  Woooof.  ;)

So, where do you fear success??  Do you see any patterns?  Are you willing to believe your truth over what you think is real?

Have a successful week....however that looks to you!

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex 

'Self-Love And Acceptance For The Type A'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 12.

Kelsey Edwards Photography

Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

Now on to the main attraction.........

I am so Type A, it's scary funny.  

I'm either the best person to go on vacation with, or the worst.  

I went to Vegas this past weekend with one of my best friends.  Her brother had a show so we decided to drive there and see him.   I had a ball (in hindsight).  There were parts of the trip where I freaked out because I was feeling out of control.  I noticed it starting with packing.  I practically shoved half of my closet into a suitcase for fear of not having anything to wear.  Mind you, we were only there Thursday-Saturday.  I kept telling myself, "Just in case I want to change 10 times a day.  Just in case I HAVE TO change 10 times a day."  Really?  I ended up wearing maybe 3 different outfits.  Then I got mad (secretly) at my friend who asked, not tell, merely asked if I wanted to leave around 9 or 10am rather than 6am, like we had planned.  I huffed and puffed and agreed to leaving at 10.  All I could think was, "We were suppose to leave at 6.  She's so lazy."  Of course, the morning of, I was so glad we left when we did.  Then, we get there, we do our thing and the next morning rolls along.  I get up early, wake her up, and verbally coerce her into getting our day started.  We walk around the strip for a bit, do a little shopping, lay out by the pool, and get ready to go out.  We go out, she gets smashed.  She ended up losing her purse and car keys.  Oh fuck.  "How the hell are we going to get back to our hotel?  How the hell are we going to get back home now?"  All I wanted to do was slap the shit out of my friend.  As we backtracked all over Green Valley Ranch casino to look for her purse and keys, I was heated.  I was fuming from my pores.  Normally, if your friend is so drunk and she can barely walk, you help her.  Not me.  I say, "You're on your own.  You brought this on yourself."  I did keep turning around to make sure she was still behind me though.  Have you ever seen a gerbil or hamster just before it dies?  It leans up against the wall of the cardboard box...it has no balance or energy.  That what she looked like, just sliding up against the wall to stay up.  Still, no sympathy from me.

We got back to our hotel 4/4:30am.  We had to check out that morning.  I got up early to pack.  When she finally woke up, we had a 'talk'.  I was just too angry with her to hold it in.  "If I hadn't been sober, we would have never figured out that valet had the car keys, we would have never gotten back to our hotel, we would not be able to check out on time, and we would be stranded in Vegas!   We would be fucked right now!  Thank you, Alex!"  

That's my side of the story.

Her side is simpler.  She missed her brother and she was just having too much fun partying with him.

That pissed me off even more that she didn't think ahead or about the repercussions of partying too hard.  Just then, the other side of me, my Higher Self kept nagging at me.  All I kept hearing was, "Do you want to be right?  Or do you want to be kind?"  Once I committed to being kind, my Higher Self showed me something else..........where my anger was coming from.  It wasn't from her.  It was from me.  

I was angry with myself because I couldn't be simple.  I couldn't think simple.  I couldn't feel simple.  Everything has to mean something, everything is cause and effect, everything has to be profound.  I like to maximize, I like to optimize, I like to be efficient, I like to be on-top-of-things, I like to feel in control, I like being hyper-aware/hyper-conscious.  Then there's the other side of me that doesn't like it at all.  All I want to do is not give a shit, let loose, and check the fuck out.  But, I'll never let that happen....especially in front of people.

I was jealous that she was doing what I wouldn't allow myself to do.  

The funny thing is, she and I are alike in so many ways.  And she rarely lets herself go like that.  I'm glad at least one of us did....it is Vegas, after all.  I guess she felt comfortable enough with her brother and best friend to just let go.  If only I could let go.  Compassion and understanding began sinking in, for myself and for her.

We listened, talked, and laughed.  I began filling her in on details.  Speaking of details, in case you're wondering about her purse, it was in the backseat of her car the whole time.  It was like the Hangover but, female version.  We decided, we did Vegas right.  

I'm learning to be more flexible, more light, more fluid, and more easy.  I'm learning to be kind over being right.  My friend offered that whenever I wanted to 'let go', she'll make sure everything else is in control so I can relax.  Hahahaha!  What a great friend.  ;)

One good thing about me and my friends, we talk things out.  We don't hold grudges, we listen, we say "I'm sorry" and/or "Thank You" and we hold space for one another to feel and express.  That's love.

I'm lucky to have solid friendships in my life that allow me to grow as a human being and spiritual being.  

Love you friend.

  

Here are a few pics for your perusal.  

For my Asian readers....isn't this hilarious?!

Taking in Death Valley.

This is what 'letting go' looks like ya'll!

We'll always have Vegas.  :)

So, can you let go of (some) control this week?  Can you be kind over being right?

Have a great week.

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex

'What Taking Action Looks Like.' Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 11

Kelsey Edwards Photography.

Not a single thing was retouched.  Whaaaaat.  

Don't you think I can totally do a hair commercial??  ;)

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  I'm going to Vegas this week!  Yeah!  I was there about 5 or 6 years ago for one of my bestie's bachelorette party.  I've been such a good girl......Sin City, I'm coming for you.  

*  I have been on an accessories kick.  I like to reinvent my wardrobe whenever the season changes.  Law of Attraction actress - I want to own my own line or have my own boutique.  I'll be posting more pics.  Follow me on Instagram for faster updates!

*  Been working out twice a week with my trainer, DePaul.  Again, Law of Attraction actress -  I've always wanted to be a Bond Girl.  I also want to do an action movie or two.  So, whenever I'm working out, I pretend we're training for a movie.    

 I'm planking!  

I get to work out with a view.  Am I blessed or what?

Now on to the main attraction...........

As promised, I will have a guest blogger once a month.  Here is my dear dear friend, Maz.  Maz has been booking like crazy these days!  Argo, The Mentalist, The Mindy Project, Scandal....just to name a few.  You can find more of his honest rants on his blog, "Maz's Muzings....blah blah blah".  

Aaaannnd, here's Maz everyone!

Before I open my eyes in the morning, the first thoughts I have are, “What are you doing? You’ve wasted your life. As old as you are, do you still have time to make something of yourself?”

Then I wake up.

Then, when I’m completely alone, the same thoughts start happening again, only way louder and clearer.

It’s exhausting being this self-critical, having this much of a deep seated sense of valuelessness. Despite whatever modicum of success I attain (?), I’m convinced it’s either a total fluke or a smart assed universe that wants me to get comfortable with it, only to yank it away.

So imagine my surprise when my friend, Alex, asked me to guest blog for her telling people how I’ve ‘done it’.

We talked about it and I said I was really uncomfortable doing that because I didn’t think I had any advice to give any body. She said, “Just tell them what you do, not what they should do.”

What the heck, here you go. Do with it what you will.

This essay is due yesterday. I’m just getting to it now. But it will be ready for her, even though I’ve spent the last three weeks putting it off, because like I said, I don’t have anything to say about it. But I said I would so I’m going to.

That’s a big part of it, doing what I say I’m going to do. I don’t always but when I don’t it hurts me because my word and my deed are al I have any control over.

I wrote a play once, “Soul Mates from Hell”, and Alex was one of the leads in it. The idea had been floating around in my head for years, the result of a drunken conversation I was having with my ex-wife when she wasn’t and I said we were soul mates. From hell. It was sort of funny at the time, but true. Then we got divorced and I went through some personal demons and got to the other side and I started doing some writing and got into acting and the idea stayed there. The studio I’m a part of, Carter Thor Studio, which is just amazing, did plays. I asked if I can put one up. They asked me what it was about. It was still a germ of an idea but they sounded kind of interested and said I could. When they asked me for two dates when I wanted to put it up, I said the one date as far in the future as I could and the other date the one just before that. And it got written, it got cast, it got rehearsed, and it went up. Because I did what I said I was going to do. You want to talk about self-doubt and loud voices in my head? This was an extremely raw autobiographical piece about my life when I went through those personal demons I was talking about. But I did it.

It was well received, it showed me I could actually write, it showed me I had a voice and a point view. In spite of my total lack of worth.

The other thing I do is I do. Every ounce of self doubt I have, every screaming voice in my head telling me I’m an idiot for even thinking I can, every time I try to get someone else to tell me how great I am and they don’t because they want me to get a real job because this acting thing is never, ever going to work out or they do tell me how great I am but it’s obviously a lie because, like the voices keep telling me, I suck, in spite of all that, I do. I write (not enough) and I act (not enough) and I audition (not enough) and I try to live a creative life (nowhere near enough). I keep plugging along.

When I first started acting, I put together a resume of the scenes I’d been doing in class and the extra work I did in friends’ films and I got some headshots and started submitting myself to everything. I started auditioning for student films and that terrified me. But I kept doing it. The first thing I submitted for was for a Palestinian father. I thought, I’m Palestinian, I’m a father. This should be a no brainer. This was in the old days when you mailed out your head shot. I expected the guy I sent it to would see it and cast me immediately. That’s not what happened. Three weeks later, I was still waiting for a phone call. I swear to God, I was going to quit acting right then, but I finally got the call and I went in and I auditioned and I booked it.

And for over five years I kept doing the student film work, the scenes they recorded for their classes and the scenes they did live in class and the short films they made, I just kept doing it. 

And I learned. I learned how to audition and I learned what a mark was and how to stand on it and I learned what back to one meant and I learned about making movies.

I worked for free for a very long time but it allowed me to gain experience and put together a reel and how to have a point of view. 

Then I started going in for paying stuff. I remember when I got paid $20.00 to be an extra in a short film I don’t remember. I remember when I did my first TV show and they paid me $50.00 for a few hours work and somebody I know in Florida saw me in it. I remember when I got $100.00 a day for five days to be the lead in a short film. I made $500.00! ACTING! I remember when I did my first ‘real’ TV show, The Unit, written by David Mamet. I got to speak David Mamet’s word for a character that they hired me to play so no one else will ever say them. And then I started doing other TV shows and movies and plays and sketch comedy and, in spite of the voices I still have every single morning, I’m getting better at it.

Because I just keep doing it.

I hope this helped.

Thank you Maz!

Have an action filled week everyone!  I sure will.  

with MAD LOVE,

Alex

'Give God/The Universe Time To Catch Up'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 10.

Kelsey Edwards Photography.

How cute?!  And hasn't even been retouched!

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  My headshots are out!  These are just the first three I'm going to use and see what happens.  I used to feel so much pressure about having the 'perfect' photo(s)....these days, I'm like, "Yup, they're all me regardless.  Let's just see what happens."  Thank you to Kelsey Edwards Photography!  I love all my new photos!  Kelsey and her staff are AWESOME.

What do you guys think???

Now on to the main attraction.....



Give God/The Universe time to catch up.


I've been slowly but surely making adjustments and changes to fit the life that I want.

~  I've been working out with a personal trainer.
~  Sobriety is a priority.
~  My spiritual health is a priority.
~  I "invest" my money more wisely rather than just spending it.
~  I write down my career goals and look at them everyday.
~  I consciously date.  I become more aware of what I want, I ask for what I want, I let go of things cannot control, and I don't take things personally.
~  I say and do things with integrity.
~  Self-love and self-approval is my foundation.
~  Taking care of my skin.  Especially since I have been acne prone my whole life.


"You can have it all.  Just not at once."  - Oprah Winfrey


Dang, Oprah sure does know what she's talking about.  YES, it is absolutely possible to have everything you want.....just in its divine time.

I'm a good manifester.  Sometimes I'm able to manifest things so quickly that it's scary.  Still, I see it today, now.....that everything has its own time and place in my life.  The only thing I can control or have power over is to
1.  Know what I want.  CLEARLY.
2.  Set my intentions.  CLEARLY.
3.  Direct my energy/energies.  CLEARLY.
4.  Look for signs.
5.  Trust and believe, and then LET IT ALLLLL GO.

With my personal and career goals, as mentioned above....I've been building on them.  They didn't happen overnight, some took weeks, months, and even years.  This blog is proof and I have documented my journey along the way.  Pretty freaking cool.  I'm not out of the woods.....it's all a process but, I see how far I've come.

I'm checking in with myself right now.  I'm giving myself a pat on the back and saying, "Alex, you did good.  Keep going."  I'm feeling years of emotions in me, in the most beautiful way.  I feel like I'm bowing to God/The Universe and to myself with gratitude.  I appreciate everything.  I accept everything.  I see the why's, when I couldn't see them before... of course, I couldn't.  I wasn't ready.

All those times I was afraid, "I'll never get there", "I'll never book anything", "I'll never have great skin", "I'll never work out, that's just not me", "I'll never be able to meditate because I just have a crazy busy mind", "I'll never find true love and I'll be alone for the rest of my life", etc......RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, I feel like I'm perfectly where I'm suppose to be in my journey.

Give God/The Universe to catch up.

Do what you can, and do your best, whatever your best is in that moment.  Because your best is going to look different.  (When you're sick, you won't be able to do what you can do when you're not sick.  No comparing allowed.)  Every moment is its own moment.  Then just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.  Think about it, true change takes time.  It's like planting a new seed....it needs TLC and time to grow.

I see things as energies and pictures.  Picture a tornado, and it's spinning in one direction (this is how you have been living, how you have been thinking), now you want to change it up.  What has to happen first?  You've gotta slow down, come to a point of zero, then switch to the other direction.  If you can understand the Law of Nature and how physics work on a fundamental level, I think you'll understand life.  And I think you'll cut yourself some slack.

Some changes happen faster, some take longer.  All that matters is that you stay committed and take each step, breathe each breath to get you there.  Maybe you'll realize that you were 'there', 'here' all the time.  It was just taking notice of that.

You've heard this before....it's not the destination, it's the journey.  Each moment of your journey is your destination.  Treat it like so and see how that changes your perception.  Because at the end of the day, it's only about perception, really.

Be patient with yourself.  Be patient with God/The Universe.  And when things seem too overwhelming, and things aren't happening as fast as you'd like, just ask yourself, "How can I love myself a little more right now?  How can I approve of myself a little more right now?"

Begin there.

I love you.  Because I love me.  I write for you.  Because I write for me.

I hope this makes your day a little happier and peaceful.


Give it time.  Just breathe and know YOU'RE HERE.  There's nowhere else you need to be.



with MAD LOVE,

Alex