"Your Destiny, Your Calling....But, I Don't Want To!" Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 21.

Dear Diary, 

Here's my offering to you this week......

*  I want to say thank you to my mother and my writing coach, Suzanne.  The theme for the show on Sunday was "Mommy Dearest".  Mom, writing and performing this taught me so much about being a mom, being a daughter, sadness, anger, love, and healing.  It was cathartic for me.  I'm grateful to have you as my mother.  My Soul chose you, and your Soul chose me.  And Suzanne, thank you for calling me out on my bullshit.  Thank you for seeing the genius in me and not letting me off the hook.  Your wisdom, friendship, love and support is giving me strength and courage to be the best writer, artist, and performer I can be.  

*  I have an audio version of this show.  I will not be making it public because it contains personal things but, as always, I'd love to share it with you if you're interested.  Just let me know via here, Facebook, or Twitter and I will send you the link.    

Here are some pics.  Thanks, roomie for getting these.  

*  Congratulations to my friend, Elizabeth Karr and "The Radio Free Albemuth" family!  They're getting ready to release their film in fall and raising funds now through Kickstarter to do a DIY release. Elizabeth has been working so hard on producing this project.  Their goal is to raise $85,000.  You know how Kickstarter works....it's all or nothing!  If it sounds and feels good to you, and would love to support, here's their link

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/elizabethkarr/radio-free-albemuth-theatrical-release

Also, some incentives.....

Costumes worn by Shea Wigham and Alanis Morrisette.

Lunch with the Producers

Signed posters

And more!

Now on to the main attraction.........

Yes!  I did another show.

Some people may think, "Well, of course you did another show.  You're an actress."  

As normal as it may seem, it's not for me.  It scares the shit out of me....I have terrible terrible stage fright.  It drains me.  It brings up all kinds of thoughts and emotions I don't like.  The process of getting ready for one show, a show that doesn't require of me to have anything memorized, a show that doesn't require of me to 'act' and be a character, and a show that doesn't require a big presentation of any kind.  I literally am up there for 5-10 minutes, just reading what I had written.  And still, it feels like I'm fighting for my life.

The process leading up to it is so exhausting.  It consumes all of me that I get mad at my art for not allowing me to live my life.  "I don't have time to do this, I don't have time to that!"  I've had plenty of conversations with my writing coach, Suzanne, in tears, saying I may have made a mistake about thinking I can do this.  Because if I'm meant to this, why is it so hard?   

But, once I'm up there, I'm alive.  So alive that I could die fulfilled.  Like a voice saying, "My job is done."  

There's a constant battle in me between voices...the perfectionist and my genius.

The perfectionist is the one who gets scared.  The perfectionist is the one who gets stage fright.  The perfectionist is the one who holds me back from flowing and living freely and wildly.  

The genius in me is that little voice that says, "You got this", "You are so capable", "I'm proud of you", "You're great", "You're doing what you're meant to be doing", "Keep going", "I love you".  Suzanne knows and sees the genius in me and she always says, "I want to talk to her".  

I read this the day before and day of my show.  Something in me wanted a message from my genius.  To let me know I was listening to the voice that's born to manifest miracles and truth into this world.  The voice that knows I'm here for great things.  Do you believe you have a destiny?  Do you believe you have a calling?  You'll love this book.

This is from the book, The Soul's Code by James Hillman.  

"Let me put in a nutshell what we may so far cautiously attribute to the acorn theory.  It claims that each life is formed by its unique image, an image that is the essence of that life and calls it to a destiny.  As the force of fate, this image acts as a personal daimon, an accompanying guide who remembers your calling.

The daimon's "reminders" work in many ways.  The daimon motivates.  It protects.  It invents and persists with stubborn fidelity.  It resists compromising reasonableness and often forces deviance and oddity upon its keeper, especially when it is neglected or opposed.  It offers comfort and can pull you into its shell, but cannot abide innocence.  It can make the body ill.  It is out of step with time, finding all sorts of faults, gaps, and knots in the flow of life-and it prefers them.  It has affinities with myth, since it is itself a mythical being and thinks in mythical patterns.

The daimon has prescience-maybe not of particulars, because it cannot manipulate happenings to accord with the image and fulfill the calling.  Its prescience is therefore not perfect, but limited to the significance of the life in which it has its embodiment.  It is immortal, in that it doesn't go away and can't be killed off by merely mortal explanations.

It has much to do with feelings of uniqueness, of grandeur and with the restlessness of the heart, its impatience, its dissatisfaction, its yearning.  It needs its share of beauty.  It wants to be seen, witnessed, accorded recognition, particularly by the person who is its caretaker.  It is slow to anchor and quick to fly.  It can't shed its own supernal calling, sensing itself both in lonely exile and in cosmic harmony.  Metaphoric images are its first unlearned language, which provides the poetic basis of mind, making possible communication between all people and all things by means of metaphors."

A-freakin-Men.

I believe I have a destiny.  I believe you do too.  I believe I have a calling.  I believe you do too.  I believe I'm here for greatness.  I believe you are too.  Sometimes it scares me so much that I will fight it, resist it, let stage fright take over, get angry with it, get so exhausted by stirring up drama elsewhere in my life so I have legitimate excuse(s) to not follow my destiny, to not answer my calling.  BUT, I do.  I GO.  I answer.  I accept.  I go to the other side of all my fears.  I must.  And you must too.  The world is waiting for each of our unique talents and geniuses to be recognized, remembered, nurtured, accepted, and manifested.  THIS is our part of the equation.  I believe THIS is Heaven On Earth.

Hope you see Heaven On Earth this week.  :)

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Co-Dependency, Much?" Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 20.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  I signed up for two manager showcases next week!  Wish me luck.  It is time.

*  I'm so proud of myself for working out regularly.  Pics!

I make lots of funny faces and noises.

First time working out with weights!

My legs look long!  :D

Super long!!  :D  :D

*  I have another show coming up this Sunday peeps!  iO West / Olympic's Del Close Theater.  6366 Hollywood Blvd.

• Sunday, May 19th at 8:30pm enjoy a FREE evening of stories at Improv Olympic's Del Close Theater, hosted by Molly Fite & Erika Brooks Adickman! Hear amazingly true and hilarious "MOMMY DEAREST" tales from LA's most fantastic storytellers including: Lauren Smitelli Caila Ball Celine Geiger Alexandra Choi and a Special Guest!

iO WEST

6366 Hollywood Blvd, Los Angeles, California 90028

View Map · Get Directions

Now on to the main attraction.....


I took care of some things that I have been pushing off.  For example, calling one of my aunts back.  It's taken me months.  MONTHS!

She's a talker.  I kept telling myself, "She's gonna keep me on the phone.  I know it.  I got shit to do.  I'll call her tomorrow."  This went on longer than I would have liked.

And it would be ok if I just left it at that but, I carried the guilt around with me each day I didn't call her back.  It was always there with me.....this annoying, nagging, "I'm a bad niece" feeling.

I called her for Mother's Day.  I had so much to do but, I had to finally nip it in the bud.  It was 5 minutes, then 10 minutes into the conversation.  She kept talking.  I always try my best to be present in all situations.  When I'm writing, when I'm talking to someone, when I'm listening to someone, etc....  But, I was already running late for a wedding I had to go to in Malibu, and my mind was jumping from 'things to do' to getting angry and angrier with her.

Check yourself, Alex.

I did.  I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath.  I was WITH my breath.  I was WITH my inhale.  I was WITH my exhale.  I was WITH my body.  Oh shiiiiit, of course.

My anger with her was really coming from my guilt for not calling her sooner.  What if I cut her off and she gets sad?  I don't want her to be mad or sad with me.  I don't want to feel worse about being a bad niece.  Yes, I wanted to give her as much time to make up for those months I didn't call her back.  But, that's a sick way of giving her my time, isn't it?

Co-dependency, much??  

Granted it is my fault for not calling her sooner but, it is what it is.  What's done is done and all I can do is apologize and forgive myself.  Then keep it moving.  My life's purpose is to feel good.  So, what can I do to feel good right now?  What would I say or do if the guilt wasn't taking control of this situation?

I literally removed the thought and the feeling of guilt.  And this is what came up.

I wanted to call her for Mother's Day since she doesn't have kids of her own.  That's what I wanted to do for her and for myself.  But, I was also having an extremely busy day.  I wanted to take care of myself as well.  Boundaries.  Healthy ones.

So, I let her finish her story.  And I told her that I had to get off the phone because it was a busy day for me.

I didn't feel bad about it.  In fact, I felt pretty darn good about it.

She completely understood.  She said, "Thank you for calling."  I said, "It was my pleasure.  It was good talking to you.  Let's talk again soon."  Done.

All that messiness was just in my head.  It wasn't reality.  I tend to create and assume things and project it onto people and situations.  I used to do this with my mother a lot.  I used to keep everything a secret from her for her sake.  "Oh, she'll never understand.  It'll hurt her too much.  It'll make her angry."  Now, I tell her everything.  I just want to be honest and how she interprets it is her job, not mine.  I'm learning to give people a chance to love me for me.  And not their idea of me.  Nor do I want to constantly mold into their idea of me.  Being inauthentic is just too exhausting.  Know what I'm sayin?

Setting healthy boundaries for myself was my lesson in this.  When my cup is full, I have more than enough to give.  The giver and receiver BOTH feel good.  I don't want to give with expectations, give with resentments, give with obligations, give with ties.  I just want to give.  And when it's my turn to receive, I just want to receive.

I actually learned a few lessons by writing this out.


Putting things off causes more dis-ease in me.  Take action.

What it means to give...to really give.  It's pure. 

Set healthy boundaries for  myself.  It's not being selfish.  It's making sure I'm full so I can hold space for others.  And I hope others do the same for me too.  Setting healthy boundaries help me feel good, and when I feel good, others around me feel good too.  We're all connected, remember?

Don't be afraid to be honest and direct (as long as it comes from love...self-love and love for others).   

Is this reality or just my projection of it?  



You feel me?  Hope you have a wonderful week full of action, healthy boundaries, and self-love.




with MAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Loving The Duality In Me....Ya Feel Me?" Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 19.

Kelsey Edwards Photography

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  I have set a new goal.  It's a one-year goal.  I want to do the Fringe Festival next year with a solo-show.  What do you think?!  My writing coach and I are already brainstorming ideas and stories.  It's going to be amazing.  :)

*  I make a cameo in this film.  My friends made it and am so proud of them.  Goooooo Far Flung Star cast and crew!  Here's the trailer if you'd like to see it!  Click HERE.

*  Yaaay!  Show was so much fun with these ladies!  Thank you Jessie Rosen, Alice Boher, and Ingrid Haas.  They are so funny!  Who says pretty women aren't funny?!

I let some secrets out and I feel a lil lighter.  :D  Thank you to those who came out to support.  Meant a lot to have you there.  Here are some pics for your perusal.

Alice Johnson Boher has a show called 'Bitch Trouble'.  Wednesday, May 8th @ 8pm.  I know it's late notice but, if you can go, GO!  She's so funny and smart.  Had me laughing throughout her story.  I'm a huge fan.  For more info, www.brownpapertickets.com/event/316188

Now on to the main attraction......

This past weekend, day of show, I was perturbed, to say the least.

Without getting into too much detail, I had a 'conversation' with a casting director.  Let's just say, I am not a fan.

As you all know, I work hard at my career.  I work hard at creating social media presence.  I also work hard at being of service to others.  

An idea struck me a couple of weeks ago.  I thought it was brilliant.  I thought, "Holy shit.  We can do this together!  This is possible!".  I believe there's power in numbers. 

I was briefly talking to a friend whom I admire and adore about this.  Apparently, the 'said casting director' was very knowledgeable in this area.  We asked for more information/help.  The "said casting director's" answer was matter of fact, and NOT NICE.  Not for nothing, I thought it was condescending.  Totally reminded me of....."If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all."

I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I kept thinking, "Did I say something wrong to invite this?"  Even my friend agreed it was harsh.  Wow.  

The Brooklyn Alex was about to have her moment.  Brooklyn Alex takes no shit.  From no one.  Brooklyn Alex is the rage-filled fighter.  She comes out to protect the Little Alex (the little girl and the too too sweet, spiritual one) when she feels scared and hurt.  

It was a battle between Brooklyn Alex (BA) and Little Alex (LA).  The Little Alex took over for a second and responded back with, "Yes, you're right.  Thank you."  

BA:  What the fuck are you talking about?!  Thank you???!!!!  Thank you for what?  For talking to you like you're a nobody?!  For being condescending?!  For treating you like a piece of shit?!  What are you fucking crazy?  No!  She is not right!  She doesn't know shit and she has no right talking to you like that.  Tell her.  Why can't you ever stand up for yourself?  You're such a pussy!  You're so damn frustrating.  Tell her.  Tell her why you asked her for help.  If she knows the reason, in detail, then she'll feel stupid.  Tell her she's a bitch and she's fake.  Who gives a shit who she is?!  She acts like she's so actor friendly....my ass!  No right to be disrespectful.  Tell her!  

LA:  No.  She meant well.  She's busy.  Just be glad she even took the time out to give us an answer.  Maybe she gets this question a lot.  Maybe I said it wrong.  Maybe she's having a bad day.  Why do you always think people are being mean?  Maybe I'm just too sensitive.  I need to work on thickening my skin more.  I'll get over it.  Just let it go.  I'm gonna be the bigger person.

I, Alex (the observer, the meditator, the mediator) had to jump in.  I knew both BA and LA had to express their feelings so that I can find my balance.

I walked away and completely allowed BA have her say first.  Wrote some fuck's, lots of fuck's with lots of exclamation points down on a piece of paper.  I went all the way.  Then, allowed LA to do the same.  She was free to say "I'm so hurt."

Yes, I am spiritual.  But, being spiritual doesn't mean denying my 'bad' feelings and only having positive and 'good' thoughts.  I don't walk around saying OMMMMM and smiling all the time.   I don't want to either.  I just want to be real and authentic as possible.  Being spiritual means to own them all.  Acknowledge that I'm human and whatever exists in me, exists.  My priority is to honor all my feelings and emotions.  ALL.  

Received a sign from God/Universe that I did good and passed.  Mastin Kipp, of The Daily Love talked about exactly this on the blog.  Click here if you'd like to read it.  Subscribe if you haven't.  I've been reading it everyday for 3 years now.  

I'm glad I allowed for BA and LA to each have her moment.  It was necessary.  Necessary for my well-being, and necessary to be able to write this post from a place of clarity.

Dallas Travers, the best creative career coach, taught us that there will be NYP's - Not Your People.  No matter what you say or do, they just won't like you or your work....or just won't care.  And that's ok.  Because on the flip side, there are people who love you and support you no matter what.  So, the 'said casting director' just happens to be my NYP.  

I do everything with integrity.  Or at least I try my damn hardest.  I know what my intentions were.  I trust myself.  I love myself.  That's all I can count on.  With that, I am at peace with how I handled the situation, and how I'm accepting the outcome.  

This reminds me of a quote, "I am only responsible for what I say, not what you understand."  I don't remember who said it or where I read it.  

This just hit me.....this goes both ways.  The casting director can be saying this to me as well.  Ha!  It may be that she did mean well but, her words didn't land on me the way I wanted it to.  We really do only see what we want to see.  Touche!  :)

This is my way of taking my power back as an actress, as an artist.  Yes, there are gatekeepers but, they don't have power OVER me.  They have power but, so do I.  I don't believe anyone should have power over another but, support and encourage one another to own our own.  I'm here to create and collaborate.  And I believe God/Universe is working on helping me with that.  Because at the end of the day, I just want to have fun and enjoy this shit.  Know what I'm sayin?!

You know what else?  I had a show coming up in few hours when this happened.  I was giving the situation more power to distract me from focusing on what was important.  Oh Ego, what am I gonna do with you?  ;)

So, to the 'said casting director', from the bottom of my heart, Thank You.  This is from both Brooklyn Alex and Little Alex.  :D

SCREW THAT!  I say, allow yourself to take it personally so you don't really take it personally.  Makes sense?

Where have you given up your power?  How can you honor ALL of you?  

Wishing you a powerful week.  :)

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex

'Love NOW. Loss But, Not Lost'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 18.

My Bells has so much personality.  I love you my baby!!

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

Guess who's taking the stage soon?!

*  SHOW ANNOUNCEMENT!  I'M SUPER STOKED FOR THIS.  AND NERVOUS.  COME AND SEE SOME HOT LADIES TALK ABOUT SEX!!  WEEEEEEEEE!  BEWARE.  MY STORY IS TOTALLY R-RATED, JUST FYI.


  Just a little reminder that you and your lady friends have AWESOME plans this Sunday! 

Topic: When Your Sex Life Gives You Lemons...

Talent: Ingrid Haas + Alice Johnson Boher + Alexandra Choi + more!

Logistics: Sunday, 5/5, Doors at 8 (show 8:30), Bar Lubitsch, $6 ONLINE or at the door

Rules: NO BOYS ALLOWED

See you and the DOZENS of ladies you'll be bringing along Sunday night!

*  And please vote my friend Natalia!  Natalia has been doing my retouches (click here for her website) and she's back at it with fashion and working her butt off.  Support this hardworking girl!  

Help @NataliaFedner achieve her design dreams - vote for her purse design, she's representing Los Angeles (#7)! 

Just click on this link, enter email addy and click vote.  Thank you.  You have til May 5th!

http://stitchcollective.com/pages/vote-now

*  And a THANK YOU shout out to my new subscribers!!

Dawnpdavis, Fabinlombardia, and Priyankasingha.  I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.  

Now on to the main attraction.......

This post is dedicated to those who have lost a loved one.  Especially dedicating this to Suzanne and GW.  

Love NOW.  

It was an emotional week/end.  

My writing coach, Suzanne had to put her dog, Bonzai to sleep.  I, along with other close friends went with her for support.

Bonzai had three different kinds of cancer and it was found literally three weeks ago.  Since then, he deteriorated rather quickly.  Suzanne got to spend the last week with him...and just him, and gave her best to nurse him back to health.  It was time for him to go.  

Another friend of mine, GW lost his mom couple of weeks ago to cancer as well.  

This has made me think hard about loss and fear of loss.  My heart hurts for them and for myself.  

The last time I lost someone close (my grandpa), I was medicated.  I stayed stoned so I didn't have to feel anything.  While my whole family was crying and going through the motions, I was there walking around like a zombie.  I really numbed it out.  I blocked it out of my memory too.  I'm sober now.  

Sobriety is slowly and unexpectedly forcing memories that were once pushed way way down to surface again.  Even now...something is stinging at my heart.  My heart stings right now, there's a lump in my throat, and my eyes are are getting hot like it's filling up with tears soon.  I'm sitting at the office.  I'm holding it in....there's a guy sitting right across from me.  I wonder, if I just busted out in tears right now and looked up at him what would he say or think?  Oh god, now I want to crack up at the thought of that.  Aren't emotions crazy?  I want to bawl one second, then maniacally laugh the next.  They make no sense at all.

Suzanne has started a Love Revolution.  She's been telling people she doesn't say "I love you" to enough.  Even in class, we started by pairing up and saying those three words that are so often taken for granted, and/or just said like 'how are you?', but we meant it.  Some associate it too much with romantic love and the meaning gets a little twisted.  I'm talking about Pure Love.  Human to human, spirit to spirit, LOVE.  No agenda, no expectation....just simply giving, receiving, and appreciating.  Really mean it.  It hurts to mean it, doesn't it?  It's scary to mean it, doesn't it?  It's intimate and takes vulnerability and courage simultaneously, doesn't it?  It's too real.  It's too big.  But once you do it, it becomes a part of you a little more.....and the more you do it, you'll see you are love, he is love, she is love, we are love.

Thank you, Suzanne and GW for teaching me another lesson on strength.  I love you.  From one soul to another.    

I came across this.  When feelings and emotions don't make sense, our minds go bonkers.  We have to make sense of things to feel better.  In that case, maybe these words may help.  I don't know.  But, I'm passing it along.  

This is via INSPIRE Tadasana Festival which got it via I FUCKING LOVE SCIENCE'S Facebook Page.  

An Honest Eulogy

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen.

—Aaron Freeman

Can you Love NOW??  That's what I wish for you this week.  That's what I wish for myself this week.  :)

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Fan or Stalker?" Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 17.

Sallie DeEtte Mackie Photography.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  My next show is coming up!  Sunday, May 5th.  I will be one of four ladies performing at SUNDAY NIGHT SEX TALKS.  What will I talk about???  Hmmmmm???
Ladies only.



Now on to the main attraction....



Fan or Stalker??


This past week I received a fan email requesting for a signed copy of my photo.  This is now my second.  Sounds pretty cool, yes?

However, I freaked out a bit.

The first one came straight to my personal email address.  This second one was sent to my two separate agents (commercial and theatrical) which was then forwarded to me.  At first, I was excited and pleasantly surprised.  I read the email and thought, "This is amazing!  I can't believe there are people I don't know seeing my work!"  Then, "Wait a minute.  How did he find my agents' contact info?  Wait a minute.  What else could people find out about me on the web?"  Fear started to creep in.

No no no.  I won't let the fears creep in.  I'm just going to think positive thoughts and be grateful.  So, I took a picture of the email and sent it out into my social media accounts.  The feedback on Facebook was mixed.  Some people 'Liked', while others warned me to be careful of weirdos.

Guess where I put my focus?  On the comments that were warning me to be careful.  My pep talks to myself weren't working anymore.  I started to concoct crazy ass stories in my head.  Like the ones that you try to dismiss quickly because it's just too scary.  And I was getting mad at myself for not being able to stop.  We can become so imaginative.

"This is not my reality.  I'll create that if I keep thinking about it, so stop thinking about it damnit!"  I hated believing in the Law of Attraction.

Then a friend who was also in the movie texted me shortly after and said that her agent received the same exact email, word for word, just the name was different.  What the fuck.  I got real angry with the fan/stalker because he was making me feel too vulnerable without my consent.  People react differently when they feel attacked....some get hurt, some feel guilty, some back down and give up.  I turn into a monster.  It's as if all the rage of the world enters me and I don't care if I die in the process, I'm taking you down, your family, your pet, everything you've got.  Starting with torture with my bare hands.  I see red.  It's you or me to the death....I become relentless.  If I had a super power, it would probably be fire (I'm a fire sign and I love heat) and my name would be Rage.

Now, that's one side of me.  The flip side of me, because there's always a flip side, would be the all loving, everything is cool, what's meant to be will be, just go with the flow, carefree, relaxed me.  The lover, the peacemaker, not the fighter.  Of course, I emailed another friend who was in the movie and she reflected back to me this version of me.  Her manager received the same email as well.  Her take was, "Oh Alex, you have nothing to worry about.  It comes with the territory and just be grateful that you're getting fans!  You're safe girl."  I felt better but, not 100%.  I'm not saying it was coming from a naive perspective but, something was missing.....for me.

I was now again left to process this extreme alone.  One extreme to another.  Back and forth.  Fuck, I just want to find my balance.  What feels good to me??  I can't even tell anymore.

God/The Universe speaks when you stop talking and start listening.  Instead of trying to figure out the answer, I asked for an answer.

Reality.  What is the reality of the situation, Alex?  The reality is, I received a fan email.  That's it.  

The anxiety and rage left my body.  I felt it.  My heart opened up again.  I took a conscious breath.  I was grateful for my reality.

I had a similar experience not too long ago.  I have Google Alert set up.  Google alerts me whenever my name pops up on the web.  Some time last year, in the span of a week, I found out that 1.  Someone created a Facebook profile page without my consent.  He/she got my pics from my personal Facebook account and posted a few status updates pretending to be me.  Crazy, huh?  2.  Then, someone else made a youtube video of me, again, without my consent.  He/she pulled a bunch of my pictures from the web and put together a slideshow.

I freaked out and got angry then too.  Eventually the fears subsided and I moved past it.  I figured, "Learn how to handle and process these now because I'm in it to win it.  I'll probably get more of these in the future.  I'm in training now."

I don't know what my balance is quite yet.  I'm simply managing how to stay grateful, gracious, and cautious.  My dear friend, Miss J recommended a book to me.  Turns out I already had it.  Isn't that so serendipitous?  I bought it about 8 years ago when my first acting coach recommended it to me.  I was doing a scene from the play, Extremities by William Mastrosimone.  It was a rape scene.  How does fear take place in a woman's mind and body before something so intrusive happens?  I read a little bit from the book mentioned, The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.  Oprah calls him the nation's leading expert on violent behavior.  De Becker believes, "True fear is a gift.  Unwarranted fear is a curse."  And he teaches you how to tell the difference.

Knowledge is power and I want to educate myself as much as possible.  For this book to come full circle in my life again, it's a sign, as I see it.  So yes, I will be reading this book, in full, this time.

I believe this particular fan is a genuine fan of the movie.  I would have done the same thing if I were requesting for autographs from the cast....send out the same letter just with different names.  So, Mr. Fan, thank you for your love and support of our movie.

I'm setting some healthy boundaries for myself.  I'm also learning how to act with integrity for myself and with others, especially when I don't feel like it.  I accept all the challenges and lessons to come and I will respond with kindness and according to my truth.  This is the journey for this thriving actress.  I saw this and thought it was perfect for this lesson.

And here's the fan email in case you're curious.

So, to all my fellow thriving artists, what does your journey look like for you this week?  Any boundaries you can set?  How does acting with kindness and integrity look for you?




with MAD LOVE,

x Alex

"My Beauty/No More Acne Vlog". Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 16.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering this week......

*  I did Lyndsey Baldasare's casting director workshop this week.  Went well and had fun!  She gave me an adjustment and I did it without feeling like I was trying too hard or working too hard at it.  It felt easy and I felt like it was just me saying the lines.  Uber fun.  Plus, I caught her off guard and she let out a chuckle.  :D

Now on to the main attraction.......

I put together my beauty secrets/regimen vlog.  

Also, if you're an acne sufferer like I was, you're gonna wanna watch this!  Yeah yeah.

I tried editing it down as much as I could but, I wanted to be as thorough as possible with this.  So, it's a bit long but, I think it's worth it.  Let me know what you think.

Also, trying to make this 'perfect' has been causing much anxiety.  I've literally worked on this for days without giving any attention to my writing (I have a show, maybe two coming up soon), or anything else for that matter.  Jeeeeez, I had to wrap it up and say, "It's ok.  Be done with it and believe you did the best you could".  So, it's not as polished as I want it to be but, F*CK ITTTTTT!!!!  :D  Letting go of the 'idea' of perfection and putting myself out there, AS IS.  Another lesson I learned while making this.  

"Small Steps Lead To BIG Dreams". Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 15.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week......


*  My next show peeps!!!  So excited and nervous.  Ga ga ga ga gaaaaa.  Save The Date!  SUNDAY, MAY 5TH.  Doors open @ 8pm.  Show starts @ 8:30pm.  It's called SUNDAY NIGHT SEX TALKS.  Four women, four stories.  It's a wonderful venue.  Unfortunately, NO BOYS ALLOWED.  It's only for ladies.  How cool is that?!  It's so underground, I love it!  I will post more deets as we get closer to the date.

*  Went to another Nerium AD event.  My friends are little by little jumping on the bandwagon since they're seeing for themselves how fabulous my skin is.  Yaaay to gorgeous skin!

Now on to the main attraction......


I've been watching more Tony Robbins youtube videos.  I came across this one video where Tony explains that when you feel like things aren't going right, you're probably a millimeter away.

He uses golf as an example.  Tony only took up golfing because his kids like to play.  First day, Tony was kicking ass.  Second day, he was sucking.  The ball just kept going into the water.  He said he was getting so frustrated when the instructor came over and said, "You know, you're just a few millimeters away."  A millimeter can mean your ball going into the green, the water, or the sand.  A slight adjustment can mean a whole lotta difference.

I understood this, intellectually.  Until, I was in my Kundalini class.  We were doing a very simple exercise.  Have you ever made a snow angel?  Or have you ever done some jumping jacks?  That's what it looks like except you're sitting in easy pose.  Seems simple enough, right?  Well, try doing that for 3 minutes straight, all the while you're doing the breath of fire (heavy breathing through your nose). My arms were hurting, my nose was hurting.  I just wanted out of the damn exercise.  At the same time, I wanted to stay in it because I knew I could.   At that point, it wasn't about "Am I going to stay in it or quit?" but, it was about, "How can I stay in it?  What can I do to finish?"

I was making all kinds of adjustments.  Slowing it down a little bit.  Going faster.  Sitting up a little taller.  Slouching shortly after.  Not raising my arms all the way up.  Then raising it all the way up.  Thinking about something pleasant.  Thinking about something that makes me angry.  Trying not to think at all.  I found some sort of relief from each adjustment.  Then, just when I found my groove again, the exercise was done.  I was proud of myself for staying in it.

Even with my skin.  I love my skin now but, for 15 years, I hated it and I was ashamed of it.  Growing up with cystic acne was extremely painful.  During the 15 years, I HAVE tried everything and nothing worked (for long) so I was too discouraged to believe clear skin was even possible for me.  I figured if these big and expensive changes (lasers, antiobiotics, Accutane, etc...) aren't working for me, then small changes will definitely not do anything.  Now, in hindsight, I see how the small and gradual changes were KEY to having clear skin.  I started drinking more water, then I started drinking less cold water and more warm to hot water, then I started putting lemon in my water.  I changed my diet.  I changed my sleep pattern.  I began using my body more, yoga, working out, sweating, and releasing toxins from my body.  I began writing more, expressing, and emotionally processing and releasing toxins from my mind and heart.  This whole process started about 4 or 5 years ago.  I didn't tackle everything at once (I tried).  I started with one and then kept building on top of that.  Four or five years ago, I would have said, "No way, it's gonna take me that long?"  Today, I'm saying, "Thank God!"

Remember last week I put up one of Tony Robbins's quotes?
"People who fail focus on what they have to go through; people who succeed focus on what it will feel like at the end."

Keep your eye on the prize.  Nothing is built overnight.  Anything and everything sustainable takes time.  If you want longevity with your career, give it equal time to prepare for it, to nurture an environment for it, every day, in every small way you can.  Don't wait for conditions to be better for you to start.  It's already perfect.  It's just waiting for you to see that.  Figure out what steps you need to take to get there.  Then begin.  Leave no small action not taken.  Every small step counts.  Each action carries you to the next action.  From where you are, take a step.  From where you are, tweak and re-adjust.  From where you are, begin.  Don't be afraid to begin.  And don't be afraid to do it over and over and over again.  I'll leave you with another Tony Robbins quote.

"When it seems impossible, when it seems like nothing is going to work, you're usually just a few millimeters away from making it happen."

You get the point, yah?

So, what millimeter of change can you make today?  

Have a fun week of making small, long lasting changes!  

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex