That's me glamorously meditating. :D
Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week.....
Now on to the main attraction......
Love and Relationships is what I want to talk about this week.
I CAN say I have been unlucky in the love department but, that would be a lie. I have been super lucky. Even with the relationships that haven't worked out the way I wanted them to, because I always learned lesson(s). I always believed and will believe that no relationship with another human being will be the ultimate. I don't want to put that kind of pressure on someone, and I wouldn't want that on me either. The ultimate relationship in my life is with myself and God. That's the beginning of all relationships. Then everything else is icing on the cake.
Something has shifted. I no longer find myself saying "Why do I keep dating guys that emotionally unavailable?", "Why are guys anti-committal?", "They're all babies", "He's probably scared and intimidated", "Why can't he be a man?", etc...... Instead, now I'm getting MEN that are open, available, courageous, honest, communicative, present, willing, and vulnerable.
They were and are reflecting back to me, me.
For some years I just kept reading and learning about the masculine and feminine dynamics. Some of my favorite books and teachers are Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and David Deida's works, especially The Way Of The Superior Man (even though this one is for guys, I learned a lot from it). One of the reasons why I was prone to saying to my past guys, "Why can't you be a man?" was because I was nurturing my masculine essence more, and of course I was attracting guys who were nurturing more of their feminine essence. Opposites attract.
* Note: When referring to the masculine and feminine, I'm talking about the energies and essences...not how someone looks.
We all have both masculine and feminine polarities. It's not always the case but, if you're man, you have a more masculine energy, if you're a woman, you have a more feminine energy. But, since the women's revolution and feminist movement, women have been suppressing and oppressing our power as women. We wanted to be seen as equals with men. But, we're not. I'm not saying we're subordinates. No no. If anything, David Deida's explains it like this.....picture a boat in the ocean. The boat is the masculine, and the ocean is the feminine. The ocean is nature, it's fluid, it's constantly moving and changing. The boat, the masculine is more fixed, it's about going somewhere, having a mission, a purpose, it's about action. Which has more power? The ocean. But, if you want to go somewhere, which do you want to be? The boat. You need both. It all started from A Consciousness...one single being...when that split into two, the masculine and feminine polarities were created.
I was a tomboy growing up. I fought with guys, I wanted to run faster than boys, I wanted to beat boys in arm wrestling....I didn't even bother with competing with girls...didn't want to, I thought girls were too weak. Then as I got older, I wanted to wear the pants in the relationship, I wanted to make the decisions, I had to be the fixer, I had to be the one that was right, I had to know everything, I initiated, etc... Then, I would resent the guy for not stepping up to his masculine. Can you see the conflict? And rather than expecting the guy to make all the changes and become more masculine for me, I realized, I have to change. I must accept and nurture my feminine first. And so I did. I made a conscious decision to nurture my feminine more because I knew that would attract a more masculine energy. That's just the law of nature.
I knew I was making deep changes because my subconscious told me in a dream. I had a dream where I was in the ocean after a storm had hit the boat I was on. I had two babies, they were my babies. One was a boy and the other a girl. I could only save one. I chose to save my baby girl. The dream was so vivid, and lucid. Time was sensitive because I could lose both so I had to make a quick decision to save one before I could lose both. I cried and watched my boy go under. I woke up crying and the sadness still stayed with me for days. But, I knew it was a wonderful dream. It was telling me that I was letting go of my masculine that wasn't serving me to grow further and loving the feminine in me.
Big lesson about being feminine....the feminine is always changing. I get into my moods. I'm happy and then if PMS hits, watch the fuck out. I always had a wild and free personality. I react BIG...whether I'm happy or angry. My family warned me since I was a little girl...."Better learn to temper that attitude of yours because you'll scare guys away". Hell no! I'm owning my feminine essence. I'm owning that I get my moods. This doesn't mean I just react to people according to my moods....I'm a mature adult. But, what I do mean is I'm being authentic.
I had a chance to practice what I preach. Implementing the knowledge I've been accumulating because what's the point of just learning something and keeping it in your head? Fucking, Live It. I'm dating a guy...and he's a fan and student of David Deida...oh thank heavens! I was feeling shitty and sort of took it out on him. When I jumped into my wild feminine, he held space for me by jumping into his masculine. When my emotions leveled out again, we had an open, healthy, honest, vulnerable communication. Rather than feeling like we're walking on egg shells with one another, we established a safe space for one another.
It finally feels good to be a woman.
I can go on and on about this forever.
Check out David Deida's website and listen to and read some of his books. They're eye-openers. And he has videos on Youtube.
Here's an excerpt.
YOUR PURPOSE MUST COME BEFORE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Admit to yourself that if you had to choose one or the other, the perfect intimate relationship or achieving your highest purpose in life, you would choose to succeed at your purpose. Just this self-knowledge often relieves much pressure a man feels to prioritize his relationship when, in fact, it is not his highest priority.
Your mission is your priority. Unless you know your mission and have aligned your life to it, your core will feel empty. Your presence in the world will be weakened, as will your presence with your intimate partner. The next time you notice yourself "giving in" to your woman, postponing your mission and denying your true purpose in order to spend time with her, stop. Tell your woman that you love her, but you cannot deny your heart's purpose. Tell her that you will spend 30 minutes (or some specific time) with her in absolute attention and total presence, but then you must return to carry on your mission.
Your woman will be more fulfilled with 30 minutes a day of undivided attention and ravishing love than she will with a few hours of your weak and divided presence when your heart really isn't into it. Time you spend with your woman should be time you really want to be with her more than anything else. If you'd rather be doing something else, she'll feel it. Both of you will be dissatisfied.
From The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida, Chapter 7
Here's a video
Also, if you haven't already, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is quite an excellent book. I highly recommend that too.
I wish everyone on the planet to find love...first with themselves, with God, and with another person. Because no matter how much you think you don't need a man, or a woman....we do...we're sexual beings and being able to give and receive sexually, in deep spiritual way that connects us to God....that's fucking wonderful.
Have a great week discovering your masculine and/or feminine essences and playing and dancing with the opposite.
with MAD LOVE,
x Alex
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