"Co-Dependency, Much?" Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 20.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  I signed up for two manager showcases next week!  Wish me luck.  It is time.

*  I'm so proud of myself for working out regularly.  Pics!

I make lots of funny faces and noises.

First time working out with weights!

My legs look long!  :D

Super long!!  :D  :D

*  I have another show coming up this Sunday peeps!  iO West / Olympic's Del Close Theater.  6366 Hollywood Blvd.

• Sunday, May 19th at 8:30pm enjoy a FREE evening of stories at Improv Olympic's Del Close Theater, hosted by Molly Fite & Erika Brooks Adickman! Hear amazingly true and hilarious "MOMMY DEAREST" tales from LA's most fantastic storytellers including: Lauren Smitelli Caila Ball Celine Geiger Alexandra Choi and a Special Guest!

iO WEST

6366 Hollywood Blvd, Los Angeles, California 90028

View Map · Get Directions

Now on to the main attraction.....


I took care of some things that I have been pushing off.  For example, calling one of my aunts back.  It's taken me months.  MONTHS!

She's a talker.  I kept telling myself, "She's gonna keep me on the phone.  I know it.  I got shit to do.  I'll call her tomorrow."  This went on longer than I would have liked.

And it would be ok if I just left it at that but, I carried the guilt around with me each day I didn't call her back.  It was always there with me.....this annoying, nagging, "I'm a bad niece" feeling.

I called her for Mother's Day.  I had so much to do but, I had to finally nip it in the bud.  It was 5 minutes, then 10 minutes into the conversation.  She kept talking.  I always try my best to be present in all situations.  When I'm writing, when I'm talking to someone, when I'm listening to someone, etc....  But, I was already running late for a wedding I had to go to in Malibu, and my mind was jumping from 'things to do' to getting angry and angrier with her.

Check yourself, Alex.

I did.  I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath.  I was WITH my breath.  I was WITH my inhale.  I was WITH my exhale.  I was WITH my body.  Oh shiiiiit, of course.

My anger with her was really coming from my guilt for not calling her sooner.  What if I cut her off and she gets sad?  I don't want her to be mad or sad with me.  I don't want to feel worse about being a bad niece.  Yes, I wanted to give her as much time to make up for those months I didn't call her back.  But, that's a sick way of giving her my time, isn't it?

Co-dependency, much??  

Granted it is my fault for not calling her sooner but, it is what it is.  What's done is done and all I can do is apologize and forgive myself.  Then keep it moving.  My life's purpose is to feel good.  So, what can I do to feel good right now?  What would I say or do if the guilt wasn't taking control of this situation?

I literally removed the thought and the feeling of guilt.  And this is what came up.

I wanted to call her for Mother's Day since she doesn't have kids of her own.  That's what I wanted to do for her and for myself.  But, I was also having an extremely busy day.  I wanted to take care of myself as well.  Boundaries.  Healthy ones.

So, I let her finish her story.  And I told her that I had to get off the phone because it was a busy day for me.

I didn't feel bad about it.  In fact, I felt pretty darn good about it.

She completely understood.  She said, "Thank you for calling."  I said, "It was my pleasure.  It was good talking to you.  Let's talk again soon."  Done.

All that messiness was just in my head.  It wasn't reality.  I tend to create and assume things and project it onto people and situations.  I used to do this with my mother a lot.  I used to keep everything a secret from her for her sake.  "Oh, she'll never understand.  It'll hurt her too much.  It'll make her angry."  Now, I tell her everything.  I just want to be honest and how she interprets it is her job, not mine.  I'm learning to give people a chance to love me for me.  And not their idea of me.  Nor do I want to constantly mold into their idea of me.  Being inauthentic is just too exhausting.  Know what I'm sayin?

Setting healthy boundaries for myself was my lesson in this.  When my cup is full, I have more than enough to give.  The giver and receiver BOTH feel good.  I don't want to give with expectations, give with resentments, give with obligations, give with ties.  I just want to give.  And when it's my turn to receive, I just want to receive.

I actually learned a few lessons by writing this out.


Putting things off causes more dis-ease in me.  Take action.

What it means to give...to really give.  It's pure. 

Set healthy boundaries for  myself.  It's not being selfish.  It's making sure I'm full so I can hold space for others.  And I hope others do the same for me too.  Setting healthy boundaries help me feel good, and when I feel good, others around me feel good too.  We're all connected, remember?

Don't be afraid to be honest and direct (as long as it comes from love...self-love and love for others).   

Is this reality or just my projection of it?  



You feel me?  Hope you have a wonderful week full of action, healthy boundaries, and self-love.




with MAD LOVE,

x Alex