"Your Destiny, Your Calling....But, I Don't Want To!" Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 21.

Dear Diary, 

Here's my offering to you this week......

*  I want to say thank you to my mother and my writing coach, Suzanne.  The theme for the show on Sunday was "Mommy Dearest".  Mom, writing and performing this taught me so much about being a mom, being a daughter, sadness, anger, love, and healing.  It was cathartic for me.  I'm grateful to have you as my mother.  My Soul chose you, and your Soul chose me.  And Suzanne, thank you for calling me out on my bullshit.  Thank you for seeing the genius in me and not letting me off the hook.  Your wisdom, friendship, love and support is giving me strength and courage to be the best writer, artist, and performer I can be.  

*  I have an audio version of this show.  I will not be making it public because it contains personal things but, as always, I'd love to share it with you if you're interested.  Just let me know via here, Facebook, or Twitter and I will send you the link.    

Here are some pics.  Thanks, roomie for getting these.  

*  Congratulations to my friend, Elizabeth Karr and "The Radio Free Albemuth" family!  They're getting ready to release their film in fall and raising funds now through Kickstarter to do a DIY release. Elizabeth has been working so hard on producing this project.  Their goal is to raise $85,000.  You know how Kickstarter works....it's all or nothing!  If it sounds and feels good to you, and would love to support, here's their link

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/elizabethkarr/radio-free-albemuth-theatrical-release

Also, some incentives.....

Costumes worn by Shea Wigham and Alanis Morrisette.

Lunch with the Producers

Signed posters

And more!

Now on to the main attraction.........

Yes!  I did another show.

Some people may think, "Well, of course you did another show.  You're an actress."  

As normal as it may seem, it's not for me.  It scares the shit out of me....I have terrible terrible stage fright.  It drains me.  It brings up all kinds of thoughts and emotions I don't like.  The process of getting ready for one show, a show that doesn't require of me to have anything memorized, a show that doesn't require of me to 'act' and be a character, and a show that doesn't require a big presentation of any kind.  I literally am up there for 5-10 minutes, just reading what I had written.  And still, it feels like I'm fighting for my life.

The process leading up to it is so exhausting.  It consumes all of me that I get mad at my art for not allowing me to live my life.  "I don't have time to do this, I don't have time to that!"  I've had plenty of conversations with my writing coach, Suzanne, in tears, saying I may have made a mistake about thinking I can do this.  Because if I'm meant to this, why is it so hard?   

But, once I'm up there, I'm alive.  So alive that I could die fulfilled.  Like a voice saying, "My job is done."  

There's a constant battle in me between voices...the perfectionist and my genius.

The perfectionist is the one who gets scared.  The perfectionist is the one who gets stage fright.  The perfectionist is the one who holds me back from flowing and living freely and wildly.  

The genius in me is that little voice that says, "You got this", "You are so capable", "I'm proud of you", "You're great", "You're doing what you're meant to be doing", "Keep going", "I love you".  Suzanne knows and sees the genius in me and she always says, "I want to talk to her".  

I read this the day before and day of my show.  Something in me wanted a message from my genius.  To let me know I was listening to the voice that's born to manifest miracles and truth into this world.  The voice that knows I'm here for great things.  Do you believe you have a destiny?  Do you believe you have a calling?  You'll love this book.

This is from the book, The Soul's Code by James Hillman.  

"Let me put in a nutshell what we may so far cautiously attribute to the acorn theory.  It claims that each life is formed by its unique image, an image that is the essence of that life and calls it to a destiny.  As the force of fate, this image acts as a personal daimon, an accompanying guide who remembers your calling.

The daimon's "reminders" work in many ways.  The daimon motivates.  It protects.  It invents and persists with stubborn fidelity.  It resists compromising reasonableness and often forces deviance and oddity upon its keeper, especially when it is neglected or opposed.  It offers comfort and can pull you into its shell, but cannot abide innocence.  It can make the body ill.  It is out of step with time, finding all sorts of faults, gaps, and knots in the flow of life-and it prefers them.  It has affinities with myth, since it is itself a mythical being and thinks in mythical patterns.

The daimon has prescience-maybe not of particulars, because it cannot manipulate happenings to accord with the image and fulfill the calling.  Its prescience is therefore not perfect, but limited to the significance of the life in which it has its embodiment.  It is immortal, in that it doesn't go away and can't be killed off by merely mortal explanations.

It has much to do with feelings of uniqueness, of grandeur and with the restlessness of the heart, its impatience, its dissatisfaction, its yearning.  It needs its share of beauty.  It wants to be seen, witnessed, accorded recognition, particularly by the person who is its caretaker.  It is slow to anchor and quick to fly.  It can't shed its own supernal calling, sensing itself both in lonely exile and in cosmic harmony.  Metaphoric images are its first unlearned language, which provides the poetic basis of mind, making possible communication between all people and all things by means of metaphors."

A-freakin-Men.

I believe I have a destiny.  I believe you do too.  I believe I have a calling.  I believe you do too.  I believe I'm here for greatness.  I believe you are too.  Sometimes it scares me so much that I will fight it, resist it, let stage fright take over, get angry with it, get so exhausted by stirring up drama elsewhere in my life so I have legitimate excuse(s) to not follow my destiny, to not answer my calling.  BUT, I do.  I GO.  I answer.  I accept.  I go to the other side of all my fears.  I must.  And you must too.  The world is waiting for each of our unique talents and geniuses to be recognized, remembered, nurtured, accepted, and manifested.  THIS is our part of the equation.  I believe THIS is Heaven On Earth.

Hope you see Heaven On Earth this week.  :)

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex