Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week.....
* I have set a new goal. It's a one-year goal. I want to do the Fringe Festival next year with a solo-show. What do you think?! My writing coach and I are already brainstorming ideas and stories. It's going to be amazing. :)
* I make a cameo in this film. My friends made it and am so proud of them. Goooooo Far Flung Star cast and crew! Here's the trailer if you'd like to see it! Click HERE.
* Yaaay! Show was so much fun with these ladies! Thank you Jessie Rosen, Alice Boher, and Ingrid Haas. They are so funny! Who says pretty women aren't funny?!
I let some secrets out and I feel a lil lighter. :D Thank you to those who came out to support. Meant a lot to have you there. Here are some pics for your perusal.
Alice Johnson Boher has a show called 'Bitch Trouble'. Wednesday, May 8th @ 8pm. I know it's late notice but, if you can go, GO! She's so funny and smart. Had me laughing throughout her story. I'm a huge fan. For more info, www.brownpapertickets.com/event/316188
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Now on to the main attraction......
This past weekend, day of show, I was perturbed, to say the least.
Without getting into too much detail, I had a 'conversation' with a casting director. Let's just say, I am not a fan.
As you all know, I work hard at my career. I work hard at creating social media presence. I also work hard at being of service to others.
An idea struck me a couple of weeks ago. I thought it was brilliant. I thought, "Holy shit. We can do this together! This is possible!". I believe there's power in numbers.
I was briefly talking to a friend whom I admire and adore about this. Apparently, the 'said casting director' was very knowledgeable in this area. We asked for more information/help. The "said casting director's" answer was matter of fact, and NOT NICE. Not for nothing, I thought it was condescending. Totally reminded me of....."If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all."
I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I kept thinking, "Did I say something wrong to invite this?" Even my friend agreed it was harsh. Wow.
The Brooklyn Alex was about to have her moment. Brooklyn Alex takes no shit. From no one. Brooklyn Alex is the rage-filled fighter. She comes out to protect the Little Alex (the little girl and the too too sweet, spiritual one) when she feels scared and hurt.
It was a battle between Brooklyn Alex (BA) and Little Alex (LA). The Little Alex took over for a second and responded back with, "Yes, you're right. Thank you."
BA: What the fuck are you talking about?! Thank you???!!!! Thank you for what? For talking to you like you're a nobody?! For being condescending?! For treating you like a piece of shit?! What are you fucking crazy? No! She is not right! She doesn't know shit and she has no right talking to you like that. Tell her. Why can't you ever stand up for yourself? You're such a pussy! You're so damn frustrating. Tell her. Tell her why you asked her for help. If she knows the reason, in detail, then she'll feel stupid. Tell her she's a bitch and she's fake. Who gives a shit who she is?! She acts like she's so actor friendly....my ass! No right to be disrespectful. Tell her!
LA: No. She meant well. She's busy. Just be glad she even took the time out to give us an answer. Maybe she gets this question a lot. Maybe I said it wrong. Maybe she's having a bad day. Why do you always think people are being mean? Maybe I'm just too sensitive. I need to work on thickening my skin more. I'll get over it. Just let it go. I'm gonna be the bigger person.
I, Alex (the observer, the meditator, the mediator) had to jump in. I knew both BA and LA had to express their feelings so that I can find my balance.
I walked away and completely allowed BA have her say first. Wrote some fuck's, lots of fuck's with lots of exclamation points down on a piece of paper. I went all the way. Then, allowed LA to do the same. She was free to say "I'm so hurt."
Yes, I am spiritual. But, being spiritual doesn't mean denying my 'bad' feelings and only having positive and 'good' thoughts. I don't walk around saying OMMMMM and smiling all the time. I don't want to either. I just want to be real and authentic as possible. Being spiritual means to own them all. Acknowledge that I'm human and whatever exists in me, exists. My priority is to honor all my feelings and emotions. ALL.
Received a sign from God/Universe that I did good and passed. Mastin Kipp, of The Daily Love talked about exactly this on the blog. Click here if you'd like to read it. Subscribe if you haven't. I've been reading it everyday for 3 years now.
I'm glad I allowed for BA and LA to each have her moment. It was necessary. Necessary for my well-being, and necessary to be able to write this post from a place of clarity.
Dallas Travers, the best creative career coach, taught us that there will be NYP's - Not Your People. No matter what you say or do, they just won't like you or your work....or just won't care. And that's ok. Because on the flip side, there are people who love you and support you no matter what. So, the 'said casting director' just happens to be my NYP.
I do everything with integrity. Or at least I try my damn hardest. I know what my intentions were. I trust myself. I love myself. That's all I can count on. With that, I am at peace with how I handled the situation, and how I'm accepting the outcome.
This reminds me of a quote, "I am only responsible for what I say, not what you understand." I don't remember who said it or where I read it.
This just hit me.....this goes both ways. The casting director can be saying this to me as well. Ha! It may be that she did mean well but, her words didn't land on me the way I wanted it to. We really do only see what we want to see. Touche! :)
This is my way of taking my power back as an actress, as an artist. Yes, there are gatekeepers but, they don't have power OVER me. They have power but, so do I. I don't believe anyone should have power over another but, support and encourage one another to own our own. I'm here to create and collaborate. And I believe God/Universe is working on helping me with that. Because at the end of the day, I just want to have fun and enjoy this shit. Know what I'm sayin?!
You know what else? I had a show coming up in few hours when this happened. I was giving the situation more power to distract me from focusing on what was important. Oh Ego, what am I gonna do with you? ;)
So, to the 'said casting director', from the bottom of my heart, Thank You. This is from both Brooklyn Alex and Little Alex. :D
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SCREW THAT! I say, allow yourself to take it personally so you don't really take it personally. Makes sense?
Where have you given up your power? How can you honor ALL of you?
Wishing you a powerful week. :)
with MAD LOVE,
x Alex
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