'To Little Girls And Daughters Everywhere'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 35.

Photo by Cammy Kinney Photography

Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week......

*  Since I'm focusing on comedy, I'm taking Lesly Kahn's Triage this week.  It's like an orientation for a small group where you meet with her and put up a scene so she can determine how she can help.  You get to choose a scene she has pre-approved.  I love my scene.  It's a fun one.  I'm nervous and excited.  Wish me luck!



Now on to the main attraction.....


Here's a new vlog, everyone!  I wrote a post last year called, 'Lovely Lady Lessons From Mommy With Love'.  Here's the video version.  Or Click Here to view it in Youtube.





Have a THRIVING week, peeps!


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

'When I Want To Throw In The Towel'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 34.

Heeeeyyyyyyyy.  

Having fun with Cammy Kinney Photography at LACMA

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  Just FYI, if you have Gmail, make sure to check your 'Social' and 'Promotions' folders in your inbox.  I'm subscribed to some e-newsletters and they've been getting lost.  I changed the settings to receive them in my 'Primary' inbox but, it's been hit or miss.  I almost missed out on something important because I thought I didn't get the email.

*  A project I worked on last year made it into Holly Shorts Film Festival!  Yaaay 'Silicon Assassins - Dead Reckoning'!!  I got to do the red carpet thing.

Now on to the main attraction....




I want to kick it up a notch with my vlogs (video blogs).  I've been creating 'characters', my alter egos.  I put on make-up, do my hair, get into wardrobe, film them, do a rough edit, take it into class to get some feedback.  Gotta can'em.  Gotta start from scratch.  My characters aren't distinct enough.  I have to flush them out more...voice, body language, hair, make-up, clothes, accent, etc.

I've tossed a few now.  It sucks.  It sucks because it feels like I wasted my time.  Plus, now that I don't wear make-up when I don't have to, when I do have to, it's a freaking chore.  I thought I would be uploading and publishing them and being done with them but, they're not ready yet.

I want to throw in the towel.  I want to say, "Screw it.  I tried."

But, I know it's not over.  I'm just giving up.  I'm feeling defeated and making up excuses.

Excuses.  Excuses.

And I know it's going to haunt me if I don't keep going.  I don't have time to be haunted.  I got shit to do.

So, back to the drawing board I go.

But, it's so hard to go back.

I get so freaking bored with my work.  Don't you get bored with your work?  I can start something, not finish it, and move on to something else (I hope my love life doesn't follow this pattern).  When things arise and kinks form in the road, I will lose momentum.  Once I lose momentum, it can easily be the death of a project.

This has happened a lot.  But thank God it did because out of those a lot's, some actually made it out alive.  Like this blog.  If I expected every post to be perfect then I don't think it would have lasted this long.  This is my space to create, destruct, play, bitch, work, learn, meditate, breathe, think, and love, imperfectly.

I always remind myself how Babe Ruth is known for his home-runs but, he's also had some major strike-outs to get those home-runs.  

Some quotes from Babe Ruth that 'hits home' for me.
“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from coming up to bat.”

“I said I'm going to hit the next one right over the flagpole. God must have been with me.”

“How to hit home runs: I swing as hard as I can, and I try to swing right through the ball... The harder you grip the bat, the more you can swing it through the ball, and the farther the ball will go. I swing big, with everything I've got. I hit big or I miss big. I like to live as big as I can.”

“As soon as I got out there I felt a strange relationship with the pitcher's mound. It was as if I'd been born out there. Pitching just felt like the most natural thing in the world. Striking out batters was easy.”

“I've never heard a crowd boo a homer, but I've heard plenty of boos after a strikeout.”

“Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.”

“It's hard to beat a person who never gives up.”

“Watch my dust.”


I can't give up on my characters.  They've been dying to get out.  Either they get out or they kill me.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel.  I don't know why I keep telling myself I am.  I'm just frustrated.  And scared.

I still care.  It's still important to me.  The day I feel nothing is the day I throw in the towel.  Until then, I'm in it to win it.




I'm gonna go give this dirty towel a wash and use it again.  How about you?



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex



  





























I want to make more vlogs (video blogs).

I started.  I want to create characters.   There are different personalities in me that are dying to get out.  I started filming 'in character', edited it and took it into class to get some feedback.  My characters still need work.  I need to flush them out so that they're all distinct.  The only thing that sucks is that I'm 86-ing everything I've done so far and starting from scratch.

I want to give up sometimes.  "Eh, I'll get to the characters later.  It's not that urgent."

It's not that urgent but, it's important.

Like I said, they're dying to get out.

They're the death of me.

Why?

Because there are things I want to say and show but, don't have the balls to as Alex.  However, as a character, I absolutely have the permission to go balls out.  And honestly, without their voices, I don't think I can say a lot of things.  It's too scary.  And I can't live in fear or with my mouth shut.

I'm feeling lots of Resistance because I want to kick it up a notch with my vlogs.  Break-throughs need to be broken through, for sure.

Excuses.  Excuses.

This is for me.  Why is it so hard to do something for myself, my career, my dream?

Because it means so much.

Because if it doesn't work out, I don't even want to think about it not working out.  Too scary.

What if it does work out?

How much of my life will change?  What if they're changes I won't like?

Fear, there you are again.

Why can't you just let me enjoy?

I don't believe in being fearless.  I believe in being courageous.  Fear will exist as long as I'm in this physical body.  It's ok.  Move through them as best as you can.

As best as you can.

I am not lazy.  I'm just scared shitless.

I will start again this week.

This is what it means to be a Pro.  Dust yourself off and try again.



Break-throughs need to be broken through.

For realz.

'I Call Bullshit'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 33.

This is my 'I Call Bullshit' look.  

Got some new photos with Cammy Kinney Photography.  More pics coming soon.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week......


*  One of my best friends, Cammy is moving back to Texas this week.  I was ok but, now I'm getting sad.  Sadder than I thought I'd be.  I know her world is changing but, mine is too.  I know she's moving only a couple of states away but, it's not the same.  There's the little Alex in me that's mad and sad that her best friend is leaving.  It's also bringing up slight 'abandonment' issues.  And I heard once, "Love is witnessing Joy".  She's found the man of her dreams and will be starting a life with him.  It makes my heart alive and open seeing and knowing that all those tears and heartbreaks we got each other through were all for something.  Friend, I love you and I'm going to miss you.  And I'm just honored to witness you and your joy.  #BFF


*  I wanted to share with you WiseStamp.  I created my own email signature.  It's way more professional looking than my normal Gmail signature.  Give it a whirl if you'd like!




Now on to the main attraction.......


You know what I'm really good at?  Calling people out on their bullshit.  When necessary.  And with love.

This is the kind of bullshit I'm talking about.


Alex:  So, what do you want?  

Friend:  Oh, you know, I don't have to be famous or rich or anything.  I just want to work and live comfortably.  

Alex:  Oh really?  That's cool.  You know what I want?  I want to win an Oscar.....or two.  Then I also want to have my own production company.  I already picked out a location.  It's on Wilshire and Cochran.  It's this corner building, it's all glass so you can see through from the outside, and it's even got parking in the back.  I see casting going on downstairs, I'll throw a nice couch down there, make it fancy, then there's a loft-like section on the second level, and that's where all the staff works and operates out of.  I'd love to become a spokesperson for a high-end brand...either clothes or jewelry.   I'd love to get on some magazine covers like Vanity Fair, looking all dramatic.  I want to do interviews.  Selectively, but lots of them since I love meeting new people and talking.  I already visualized being interviewed by James Lipton and appearing on The Actor's Studio.  He's almost 90 years old so I hope sooner than later.  Oh, and Oprah.  Can't forget Ms. Winfrey.   Then, 

Friend:  Oh wait.  I want that too.  But, for me I'd do a little less interviews and more magazine covers.  I want to direct my own feature that I'll be the star in as well.  And then get an Oscar for that.  I want to collaborate with the Coen Brothers for a project.  I've had this idea for a while.  It's about.....


Do you get my drift here?

I know that by my being unapologetic when I talk about my dreams, it allows others to talk about theirs.  I'm not afraid to come off crazy.  And if it's crazy, so be it.  It's too much fun.  Especially with friends.  Once my friends get going, they can't stop.  I literally see a difference with their body language, I hear a difference in their voice, I feel a difference energetically from them.  When they were bullshitting themselves and me, their bodies and voices were more closed off and tight.  When they started to talk and dream big, they literally would LIGHT UP.

That's how I know they're telling the Truth.  They light up.

Many of us need permission to be okay with our dreams.

This is why we feel so alone even though we're all in the same boat.  We have dreams, daydreams, fantasies that are dear to us and we can't even say them out loud to our family and friends for fear of coming off delusional and too 'head in the clouds'.  My accountability buddy said he felt like people would think he's psychotic.  I hear ya.

Isn't it wild that we're ashamed of our own dreams?

I grew up hearing, "Who do you think you are?" a lot.  Not because my family wanted to put me down but because they were projecting their fears on to me.  Dreaming big in my family is either becoming a doctor or a lawyer, and getting married to a nice, rich Korean man.  What I'm doing is still very hard for them to wrap their heads around.  There's no certainty, there's no security.  They're trying though....for me.  My family believes in surviving.  I believe in THRIVING.  If you don't dream big for yourself, who will?  If you don't believe in yourself, who will?  You are the start point.  Always.

We all have that voice inside that says, "Who do you think you are to dream so big?"  But, we also have that voice inside that says, "Listen, I know you're scared.  But, what you're doing is the most courageous thing anyone can do for themselves and for the world.  I'm proud of you.  And I'm with you til the end.  So, dream big.  As big as you can.  Do what you came here to do, and do what only you can do.  You deserve it all.  It may not happen all at once but, it's on its way.  It's on its way.  IT'S ON ITS WAY!"

At any given moment, you have the free will to choose which voice to listen to.  At any given moment, you can give yourself permission to do, think, feel, whatever it is you want.


Do you know this quote?  It's a Marianne Williamson quote.  I think it's great for everyone, especially for artists.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 
― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"



YOUR PLAYING SMALL DOES NOT SERVE THE WORLD.




Don't be afraid to own and claim your dream.  If you're wishy washy about it, of course The Universe is going to be wishy washy about it.

Take a moment to go to your happy place for a bit.

Go as far as your imagination takes you.  No need to rush.  Take your time.  Think about it.  You just booked something, you just found out you got nominated for an Oscar, you stumble upon the love of your life, etc.  What happened just before?  Who's around you?  Are you alone?  Where are you?  Are you sitting?  Are you standing?  How are you standing?  Do you smell something?  How does the air feel?  How are you feeling?  Do you feel any sensations in your body?  And where?  What are you wearing?  How does the conversation go?


You just did some visualizing.  Wasn't that fun?

Now, if you want to take it a step further in taking action on claiming, you can you tell someone.  Sound scary?  Ha!  Then, you must.  It's not the easiest thing to do but, I'm getting better at tooting my own horn.  Sometimes when it happens, I milk it.  My friends think it's hilarious and cute.  Because I'm just like a little kid having a good time.  Who doesn't love a little kid having a good time?

Maybe we can get together with friends and share our wildest daydreams and fantasies.  Didn't we do that a lot as kids growing up?  We would tell each other what we want to be when we grow up and say what we're going to accomplish, who we're going to marry, where we're going to live, etc....



So, personally, I'm going to call more people out on their bullshit.  And because it's done with love, you won't even know it.  I hope others will do that for me too.  And let's also create some safe spaces for ourselves and for one another to express our Truths.  For real.


Oh yes, and if it feels good to you, feel free to comment below what you want.  Let's get vulnerable and bold.  :)


How can you do that today and this week?



Have a THRIVING week!


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

'Girl, Where You At?!' Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 32.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  In case you're wondering if I heard back from that magical audition....not yet.  Feature films don't move fast like television does.  It can take anywhere from hours to months.  Keep those fingers and toes crossed for me.  God/Universe, I'd like a callback please, thank you.  ;)

*  THRIVING TIP:  After a big audition, KEEP IT MOVING to stay sane.  Figure out what your next move is and do it.  Go on with your life.  Keep creating.  Keep writing.  Keep acting.  Keep collaborating.  Have patience without waiting.

Having said that,

All I'm doing is fantasizing......hard.


Now on to the main attraction.......


Let's do something fun this week.  Let's make a time capsule.

I remember my first one.  I was in elementary school.  It was the beginning of the school year.  I think it was Mr. Farley.  He was such a nerd.  He made this box.  Actually, it could have just been a shoe box.  We each wrote a letter to ourselves, I sealed mine with SWAK (Sealed With A Kiss) and put it into the box.  The box was then going to be locked up in his office until the end of the school year, and will be returned to us.  I thought, "Wow, what a concept."

Since then, I have always kept a diary or a journal.  It's very funny and serendipitous that my blog is called The Diary Of The THRIVING Actress.  I love documenting moments in my life and being able to go back to see how far I've come.  Or sometimes to remember who I am.

I recently went back to my very first blog post.  Are you curious?  Click Here.  Keep in mind that my blog was called The Diary Of The Climbing Actress then.  Since I'm a believer in The Law Of Attraction, I changed the name so that I'm no longer climbing but, THRIVING.

I also went back to my first VLOG (video blog) ever!



So, here's what we're doing.

We're going to write a letter to ourselves.  Write whatever you want.  You can write down goals.  You can go on an angry rant.  Or you can just ask questions like, 'Hi.  How are you?  How's the weather?  How are you feeling today?', etc.  Date it and time it.  Put it in an envelope, seal it, and put it somewhere you can forget about it but, not forget about where you put it....because the whole point of this is to find it later.

We're going to forget about this for 6 months.  When the six months is up, we'll return to our time capsule.  I'm going to set up an alert for it on my phone.  So, it's February 7, 2014.  I will let you know when time's up.  Let's do it together!



Dear February 7, 2014 Alex,

Girl, where you at?  How the heck is life?  

Right now, I'm rushing to get this post out.  I got so hungry I went and got some oatmeal and a caramel latte from McDonald's.  Are you still going to McDonald's?  I just go there because of the Drive Thru.  I'm lazy.  Are you still lazy?  It's ok if you are.  Skin's clearing up.  Face is so clear and so happy these days.  But, I do think it cleared up from not eating.  My appetite's coming back though, I haven't been hungry for a week now.  

I'm going to start editing my comedy reel this week.  I'm also creating and developing two characters, Wacky Jackie and Fancy Nancy.  How's that coming along?  Have you made lots of videos?

This last month was good.  Booked a commercial and went on my first big budget movie audition.  Did you book it???  How was filming???  

I'm so curious where I'll be in six months.  I hope you're doing very well.

I love you very much.  Always.  See you in six months.


with MAAAAAD LOVE,
x August 7, 2013 Alex




That's it.  Short and sweet.

Have a THRIVING week, peeps!


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

'God Throws Me A Bone....Again. My Magical Audition'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 31.

As I was leaving Sony Pictures after my big audition.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  Remember the last commercial I booked and shot a couple of weeks ago?  It's out!  It's a promo trailer for the new X-Men movie, 'Days Of Future Past'.  I'm not too familiar with the comic books, just remember bits and pieces from watching cartoons and movies.  But, fans are going crazy over the fact that Trask Industries will be in the movie.  Marvel and Fox has created a website to create a world in a world.  It's a real Trask Industries site.  And my commercial is on it!
Here's their official site
www.trask-industries.com

Believe me, I watched the crap out of it to see where I appear.
I come on right after the Sentinel Robot on the homepage.  Then, click on MEDIA on your left, you'll see the actual commercial.  OR, here it is!  Click Here for direct link to video.

*  I went on my FIRST big-budget feature audition on Monday!!  Read below for more.

*  I'm still trying to figure out what to do for a GIVEAWAY.  If you have any suggestions, feel free.




Now on to the main attraction.......


I went on my FIRST big-budget feature audition on Monday, July 29th 2013 at 10:10am!!!!

I want to make sure I remember everything.  Especially when I'm 80 years old one day.


I went to Sony Pictures and read for Francine Maisler's office.  A little backstory.....

One of the reasons why I moved out to LA WHEN I did was because of Francine Maisler.  I was obsessed with the book, Memoirs Of A Geisha.  When I finished reading the book, I knew deep down that it would eventually be turned into a film.  I had to be in it.  I kept researching it online for months. Nothing until one day, I found info that Rob Marshall will be directing the movie and Francine Maisler will be casting it.  Somehow things just aligned for me to move here.  And I did.  I had no idea how to get in touch with Francine.  I didn't have an agent.  I didn't have the proper head shots.  I had no credits or resume.  I was at an internet cafe and was checking Craigslist for acting work (I thought that's how you got jobs back then........I've come a long way).  I saw one post about a casting.  It was for the movie Memoirs Of A Geisha!  They were looking for backgrounds!  I thought, "This is it!  I don't care if it's background, I just have to be in this movie!"  I didn't have a car yet so I called my roommate and asked her to drive me to Burbank so I can go to Central Casting.  I get there.  The line was so long.  I finally get to the front and as soon as they snapped a photo of me, they said, "Sorry.  Didn't realize how tall you are.  We can't use you."  I went home, heart broken.

That didn't work out but, I never forgot Francine's name.  I never forgot how hard I tried to reach her.

CUT TO:  9 years later.

I finally made it to her office.

This is how it happened.

I get an email from my commercial agent asking if I was up for a particular audition.  I read the breakdown.  It's a big budget comedy feature, working with some of the top names in comedy.  My brain couldn't wrap around what I was reading.  Is this for real?  I read it over and over and over.  Then my brain began to understand what was going on and my heart followed quickly.  I got super excited and wrote back to her, "YESSSSSSSSSSSSS".  Then, I realized, "Uh oh.  I already have a theatrical agent.  What happens now?"  So, after replying "Yes, I'd love to!  Thank you", I asked her what the protocol/etiquette is for this situation since I already have a theatrical agent.  My commercial agent basically said, "Sorry, didn't know you had a theatrical agent.  I will confirm you online and you can go ahead and forward all the info to your theatrical agent and she can handle it from here.  Good luck!"

Whaaaaaaat.  Her kindness.  I'm still in awe of her kindness.  For some reason, I was so worried about how complicated it can get.   Something wonderful has happened and all I could do was think of different ways this can get fucked up.  But, she squashed that with her kindness.  I will never forget.

I had 4 days to go over my sides.  I did everything I could.  I worked on it alone, I worked on it with friends.  And I'm so grateful to Suzanne Whang for coaching me even though she's on vacation on the East Coast.  We did FaceTime.  Thank you technology!

Now, it was time to just let it all go and trust that I did the work.

I go to the audition.  I met and read with Kathy, Francine's associate.  What a lovely lady.  It was just me, her, and the camera person.  We did the first scene.  Kathy said, "Great.  Let's move on to the next one."  We did the next one.  Kathy said, "That was great.  Thank you."  We shook hands but honestly, I wanted to hug the shit out of her because I was so happy to be there, and I left.

That was it.  Done.

I asked my theatrical agent if she'd be willing to call the office to see if they can give any feedback.  I know some casting directors get annoyed when agents call to see how their clients did but, I just had to ask.  My theatrical agent said she'll call the next day to make sure my representation information was correct since I was originally sent out by my commercial agent, and see if she can get anything.  Next day, she gets back to me saying that they didn't give her too much to go on but, they said "She did a great job."

We've got our fingers crossed.

That's all I wanted to hear.

I just wanted to know that I have a fair shot at it.

Being in Francine's office was already a dream come true for me.  I want to book it of course, but, I really want to book the office.

This is a role I could have only dreamed of getting right now.  Yes, there are rules but, I'm also seeing that there are NO rules too!  I have 10 credits on IMDB, with one co-star television credit included, and I got to read for a role that's at least Supporting in a big budget film!!!  There are NO RULES when it comes to God/The Universe.

I KNOW this was a Divine Intervention.  I like to call it, "God throwing me a bone."  This is too magical for me to even say I know how it happened, I know what I did.  But, I DO know what I did.  Who knew days, weeks, months leading up to the audition, I was 'putting it out there'?

1.  I set an intention that I want to do comedy.  I spoke about it, I wrote about it, I took action on it.

2.  Two weeks ago, actually it's now going on three weeks but, I began self-submitting on Actors Access again, every freaking day.  And I made some new ground rules for me.......open up to both features and tv, and only submit for paying jobs.  

3.  I've been doing casting director workshops again.  And I was only targeting comedy casting directors.

4.  I've been writing and performing my own stories at spoken word events.  This taught me who I really am.  I began to figure out my style and my brand.

5.  Have fun.


I do believe everything happens for a reason.  I wasn't ready to meet Francine 9 years ago.  I guess I am now because I read for her office.  I believe in Divine Interventions.  I believe in Divine Timing.  My job is to just take each step that I can and watch what God/The Universe delivers, and be in awe by it, and be grateful for it, and do what I can to pay it forward.

And just FYI, I wasn't in the best of spirits when this audition came to me.  I go in and out of depression.  I was feeling unmotivated, scared, lazy, defeated, and lost.  That's why I call it 'God throwing me a bone'.  God does this from time to time....or maybe he does it all the time but, I only see it when I want to.  This is how God humbles me every time.  He shows me what I deserve despite how I feel about myself.  He shows me a world so kind, so loving, so supportive, so magical, that I'm able to start again with what I have to do.....with his help.

I don't know where you are in your journey.  God's probably throwing you a bone or bonesssss right now.  Ask for it.  Expect it.  Catch It.  Then Give It Away or Let It Go.



Have a THRIVING week peeps.


with MAD LOVE,

x Alex