'When I Want To Throw In The Towel'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 34.

Heeeeyyyyyyyy.  

Having fun with Cammy Kinney Photography at LACMA

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  Just FYI, if you have Gmail, make sure to check your 'Social' and 'Promotions' folders in your inbox.  I'm subscribed to some e-newsletters and they've been getting lost.  I changed the settings to receive them in my 'Primary' inbox but, it's been hit or miss.  I almost missed out on something important because I thought I didn't get the email.

*  A project I worked on last year made it into Holly Shorts Film Festival!  Yaaay 'Silicon Assassins - Dead Reckoning'!!  I got to do the red carpet thing.

Now on to the main attraction....




I want to kick it up a notch with my vlogs (video blogs).  I've been creating 'characters', my alter egos.  I put on make-up, do my hair, get into wardrobe, film them, do a rough edit, take it into class to get some feedback.  Gotta can'em.  Gotta start from scratch.  My characters aren't distinct enough.  I have to flush them out more...voice, body language, hair, make-up, clothes, accent, etc.

I've tossed a few now.  It sucks.  It sucks because it feels like I wasted my time.  Plus, now that I don't wear make-up when I don't have to, when I do have to, it's a freaking chore.  I thought I would be uploading and publishing them and being done with them but, they're not ready yet.

I want to throw in the towel.  I want to say, "Screw it.  I tried."

But, I know it's not over.  I'm just giving up.  I'm feeling defeated and making up excuses.

Excuses.  Excuses.

And I know it's going to haunt me if I don't keep going.  I don't have time to be haunted.  I got shit to do.

So, back to the drawing board I go.

But, it's so hard to go back.

I get so freaking bored with my work.  Don't you get bored with your work?  I can start something, not finish it, and move on to something else (I hope my love life doesn't follow this pattern).  When things arise and kinks form in the road, I will lose momentum.  Once I lose momentum, it can easily be the death of a project.

This has happened a lot.  But thank God it did because out of those a lot's, some actually made it out alive.  Like this blog.  If I expected every post to be perfect then I don't think it would have lasted this long.  This is my space to create, destruct, play, bitch, work, learn, meditate, breathe, think, and love, imperfectly.

I always remind myself how Babe Ruth is known for his home-runs but, he's also had some major strike-outs to get those home-runs.  

Some quotes from Babe Ruth that 'hits home' for me.
“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from coming up to bat.”

“I said I'm going to hit the next one right over the flagpole. God must have been with me.”

“How to hit home runs: I swing as hard as I can, and I try to swing right through the ball... The harder you grip the bat, the more you can swing it through the ball, and the farther the ball will go. I swing big, with everything I've got. I hit big or I miss big. I like to live as big as I can.”

“As soon as I got out there I felt a strange relationship with the pitcher's mound. It was as if I'd been born out there. Pitching just felt like the most natural thing in the world. Striking out batters was easy.”

“I've never heard a crowd boo a homer, but I've heard plenty of boos after a strikeout.”

“Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.”

“It's hard to beat a person who never gives up.”

“Watch my dust.”


I can't give up on my characters.  They've been dying to get out.  Either they get out or they kill me.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel.  I don't know why I keep telling myself I am.  I'm just frustrated.  And scared.

I still care.  It's still important to me.  The day I feel nothing is the day I throw in the towel.  Until then, I'm in it to win it.




I'm gonna go give this dirty towel a wash and use it again.  How about you?



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex



  





























I want to make more vlogs (video blogs).

I started.  I want to create characters.   There are different personalities in me that are dying to get out.  I started filming 'in character', edited it and took it into class to get some feedback.  My characters still need work.  I need to flush them out so that they're all distinct.  The only thing that sucks is that I'm 86-ing everything I've done so far and starting from scratch.

I want to give up sometimes.  "Eh, I'll get to the characters later.  It's not that urgent."

It's not that urgent but, it's important.

Like I said, they're dying to get out.

They're the death of me.

Why?

Because there are things I want to say and show but, don't have the balls to as Alex.  However, as a character, I absolutely have the permission to go balls out.  And honestly, without their voices, I don't think I can say a lot of things.  It's too scary.  And I can't live in fear or with my mouth shut.

I'm feeling lots of Resistance because I want to kick it up a notch with my vlogs.  Break-throughs need to be broken through, for sure.

Excuses.  Excuses.

This is for me.  Why is it so hard to do something for myself, my career, my dream?

Because it means so much.

Because if it doesn't work out, I don't even want to think about it not working out.  Too scary.

What if it does work out?

How much of my life will change?  What if they're changes I won't like?

Fear, there you are again.

Why can't you just let me enjoy?

I don't believe in being fearless.  I believe in being courageous.  Fear will exist as long as I'm in this physical body.  It's ok.  Move through them as best as you can.

As best as you can.

I am not lazy.  I'm just scared shitless.

I will start again this week.

This is what it means to be a Pro.  Dust yourself off and try again.



Break-throughs need to be broken through.

For realz.