'I Love Being The Feminine'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 22.

That's me glamorously meditating.  :D

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....





Now on to the main attraction......


Love and Relationships is what I want to talk about this week.

I CAN say I have been unlucky in the love department but, that would be a lie.  I have been super lucky.  Even with the relationships that haven't worked out the way I wanted them to, because I always learned lesson(s).  I always believed and will believe that no relationship with another human being will be the ultimate.  I don't want to put that kind of pressure on someone, and I wouldn't want that on me either.  The ultimate relationship in my life is with myself and God.  That's the beginning of all relationships.  Then everything else is icing on the cake.

Something has shifted.  I no longer find myself saying "Why do I keep dating guys that emotionally unavailable?", "Why are guys anti-committal?", "They're all babies", "He's probably scared and intimidated", "Why can't he be a man?", etc...... Instead, now I'm getting MEN that are open, available, courageous, honest, communicative, present, willing, and vulnerable.

They were and are reflecting back to me, me.

For some years I just kept reading and learning about the masculine and feminine dynamics.  Some of my favorite books and teachers are Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and David Deida's works, especially The Way Of The Superior Man (even though this one is for guys, I learned a lot from it).  One of the reasons why I was prone to saying to my past guys, "Why can't you be a man?" was because I was nurturing my masculine essence more, and of course I was attracting guys who were nurturing more of their feminine essence.  Opposites attract.

*  Note:  When referring to the masculine and feminine, I'm talking about the energies and essences...not how someone looks.

We all have both masculine and feminine polarities.  It's not always the case but, if you're man, you have a more masculine energy, if you're a woman, you have a more feminine energy.  But, since the women's revolution and feminist movement, women have been suppressing and oppressing our power as women.  We wanted to be seen as equals with men.  But, we're not.  I'm not saying we're subordinates.  No no.  If anything, David Deida's explains it like this.....picture a boat in the ocean.  The boat is the masculine, and the ocean is the feminine.  The ocean is nature, it's fluid, it's constantly moving and changing.  The boat, the masculine is more fixed, it's about going somewhere, having a mission, a purpose, it's about action.  Which has more power?  The ocean.  But, if you want to go somewhere, which do you want to be?  The boat.  You need both.  It all started from A Consciousness...one single being...when that split into two, the masculine and feminine polarities were created.

I was a tomboy growing up.  I fought with guys, I wanted to run faster than boys, I wanted to beat boys in arm wrestling....I didn't even bother with competing with girls...didn't want to, I thought girls were too weak.  Then as I got older, I wanted to wear the pants in the relationship, I wanted to make the decisions, I had to be the fixer, I had to be the one that was right, I had to know everything, I initiated, etc...  Then, I would resent the guy for not stepping up to his masculine.  Can you see the conflict?  And rather than expecting the guy to make all the changes and become more masculine for me, I realized, I have to change.  I must accept and nurture my feminine first.  And so I did.  I made a conscious decision to nurture my feminine more because I knew that would attract a more masculine energy.  That's just the law of nature.

I knew I was making deep changes because my subconscious told me in a dream.  I had a dream where I was in the ocean after a storm had hit the boat I was on.  I had two babies, they were my babies.  One was a boy and the other a girl.  I could only save one.  I chose to save my baby girl.  The dream was so vivid, and lucid.  Time was sensitive because I could lose both so I had to make a quick decision to save one before I could lose both.  I cried and watched my boy go under.  I woke up crying and the sadness still stayed with me for days.  But, I knew it was a wonderful dream.  It was telling me that I was letting go of my masculine that wasn't serving me to grow further and loving the feminine in me.

Big lesson about being feminine....the feminine is always changing.  I get into my moods.  I'm happy and then if PMS hits, watch the fuck out.  I always had a wild and free personality.  I react BIG...whether I'm happy or angry.  My family warned me since I was a little girl...."Better learn to temper that attitude of yours because you'll scare guys away".  Hell no!  I'm owning my feminine essence.  I'm owning that I get my moods.  This doesn't mean I just react to people according to my moods....I'm a mature adult.  But, what I do mean is I'm being authentic.

I had a chance to practice what I preach.  Implementing the knowledge I've been accumulating because what's the point of just learning something and keeping it in your head?  Fucking, Live It.  I'm dating a guy...and he's a fan and student of David Deida...oh thank heavens!  I was feeling shitty and sort of took it out on him.  When I jumped into my wild feminine, he held space for me by jumping into his masculine.  When my emotions leveled out again, we had an open, healthy, honest, vulnerable communication.  Rather than feeling like we're walking on egg shells with one another, we established a safe space for one another.


It finally feels good to be a woman.


I can go on and on about this forever.

Check out David Deida's website and listen to and read some of his books.  They're eye-openers.  And he has videos on Youtube.
Here's an excerpt.

YOUR PURPOSE MUST COME BEFORE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Admit to yourself that if you had to choose one or the other, the perfect intimate relationship or achieving your highest purpose in life, you would choose to succeed at your purpose. Just this self-knowledge often relieves much pressure a man feels to prioritize his relationship when, in fact, it is not his highest priority.

Your mission is your priority. Unless you know your mission and have aligned your life to it, your core will feel empty. Your presence in the world will be weakened, as will your presence with your intimate partner. The next time you notice yourself "giving in" to your woman, postponing your mission and denying your true purpose in order to spend time with her, stop. Tell your woman that you love her, but you cannot deny your heart's purpose. Tell her that you will spend 30 minutes (or some specific time) with her in absolute attention and total presence, but then you must return to carry on your mission.

Your woman will be more fulfilled with 30 minutes a day of undivided attention and ravishing love than she will with a few hours of your weak and divided presence when your heart really isn't into it. Time you spend with your woman should be time you really want to be with her more than anything else. If you'd rather be doing something else, she'll feel it. Both of you will be dissatisfied.

From The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida, Chapter 7

Purchase from Amazon

Here's a video


Also, if you haven't already, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is quite an excellent book.  I highly recommend that too.


I wish everyone on the planet to find love...first with themselves, with God, and with another person.  Because no matter how much you think you don't need a man, or a woman....we do...we're sexual beings and being able to give and receive sexually, in deep spiritual way that connects us to God....that's fucking wonderful.



Have a great week discovering your masculine and/or feminine essences and playing and dancing with the opposite.


with MAD LOVE,


x Alex

"Your Destiny, Your Calling....But, I Don't Want To!" Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 21.

Dear Diary, 

Here's my offering to you this week......

*  I want to say thank you to my mother and my writing coach, Suzanne.  The theme for the show on Sunday was "Mommy Dearest".  Mom, writing and performing this taught me so much about being a mom, being a daughter, sadness, anger, love, and healing.  It was cathartic for me.  I'm grateful to have you as my mother.  My Soul chose you, and your Soul chose me.  And Suzanne, thank you for calling me out on my bullshit.  Thank you for seeing the genius in me and not letting me off the hook.  Your wisdom, friendship, love and support is giving me strength and courage to be the best writer, artist, and performer I can be.  

*  I have an audio version of this show.  I will not be making it public because it contains personal things but, as always, I'd love to share it with you if you're interested.  Just let me know via here, Facebook, or Twitter and I will send you the link.    

Here are some pics.  Thanks, roomie for getting these.  

*  Congratulations to my friend, Elizabeth Karr and "The Radio Free Albemuth" family!  They're getting ready to release their film in fall and raising funds now through Kickstarter to do a DIY release. Elizabeth has been working so hard on producing this project.  Their goal is to raise $85,000.  You know how Kickstarter works....it's all or nothing!  If it sounds and feels good to you, and would love to support, here's their link

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/elizabethkarr/radio-free-albemuth-theatrical-release

Also, some incentives.....

Costumes worn by Shea Wigham and Alanis Morrisette.

Lunch with the Producers

Signed posters

And more!

Now on to the main attraction.........

Yes!  I did another show.

Some people may think, "Well, of course you did another show.  You're an actress."  

As normal as it may seem, it's not for me.  It scares the shit out of me....I have terrible terrible stage fright.  It drains me.  It brings up all kinds of thoughts and emotions I don't like.  The process of getting ready for one show, a show that doesn't require of me to have anything memorized, a show that doesn't require of me to 'act' and be a character, and a show that doesn't require a big presentation of any kind.  I literally am up there for 5-10 minutes, just reading what I had written.  And still, it feels like I'm fighting for my life.

The process leading up to it is so exhausting.  It consumes all of me that I get mad at my art for not allowing me to live my life.  "I don't have time to do this, I don't have time to that!"  I've had plenty of conversations with my writing coach, Suzanne, in tears, saying I may have made a mistake about thinking I can do this.  Because if I'm meant to this, why is it so hard?   

But, once I'm up there, I'm alive.  So alive that I could die fulfilled.  Like a voice saying, "My job is done."  

There's a constant battle in me between voices...the perfectionist and my genius.

The perfectionist is the one who gets scared.  The perfectionist is the one who gets stage fright.  The perfectionist is the one who holds me back from flowing and living freely and wildly.  

The genius in me is that little voice that says, "You got this", "You are so capable", "I'm proud of you", "You're great", "You're doing what you're meant to be doing", "Keep going", "I love you".  Suzanne knows and sees the genius in me and she always says, "I want to talk to her".  

I read this the day before and day of my show.  Something in me wanted a message from my genius.  To let me know I was listening to the voice that's born to manifest miracles and truth into this world.  The voice that knows I'm here for great things.  Do you believe you have a destiny?  Do you believe you have a calling?  You'll love this book.

This is from the book, The Soul's Code by James Hillman.  

"Let me put in a nutshell what we may so far cautiously attribute to the acorn theory.  It claims that each life is formed by its unique image, an image that is the essence of that life and calls it to a destiny.  As the force of fate, this image acts as a personal daimon, an accompanying guide who remembers your calling.

The daimon's "reminders" work in many ways.  The daimon motivates.  It protects.  It invents and persists with stubborn fidelity.  It resists compromising reasonableness and often forces deviance and oddity upon its keeper, especially when it is neglected or opposed.  It offers comfort and can pull you into its shell, but cannot abide innocence.  It can make the body ill.  It is out of step with time, finding all sorts of faults, gaps, and knots in the flow of life-and it prefers them.  It has affinities with myth, since it is itself a mythical being and thinks in mythical patterns.

The daimon has prescience-maybe not of particulars, because it cannot manipulate happenings to accord with the image and fulfill the calling.  Its prescience is therefore not perfect, but limited to the significance of the life in which it has its embodiment.  It is immortal, in that it doesn't go away and can't be killed off by merely mortal explanations.

It has much to do with feelings of uniqueness, of grandeur and with the restlessness of the heart, its impatience, its dissatisfaction, its yearning.  It needs its share of beauty.  It wants to be seen, witnessed, accorded recognition, particularly by the person who is its caretaker.  It is slow to anchor and quick to fly.  It can't shed its own supernal calling, sensing itself both in lonely exile and in cosmic harmony.  Metaphoric images are its first unlearned language, which provides the poetic basis of mind, making possible communication between all people and all things by means of metaphors."

A-freakin-Men.

I believe I have a destiny.  I believe you do too.  I believe I have a calling.  I believe you do too.  I believe I'm here for greatness.  I believe you are too.  Sometimes it scares me so much that I will fight it, resist it, let stage fright take over, get angry with it, get so exhausted by stirring up drama elsewhere in my life so I have legitimate excuse(s) to not follow my destiny, to not answer my calling.  BUT, I do.  I GO.  I answer.  I accept.  I go to the other side of all my fears.  I must.  And you must too.  The world is waiting for each of our unique talents and geniuses to be recognized, remembered, nurtured, accepted, and manifested.  THIS is our part of the equation.  I believe THIS is Heaven On Earth.

Hope you see Heaven On Earth this week.  :)

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Co-Dependency, Much?" Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 20.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  I signed up for two manager showcases next week!  Wish me luck.  It is time.

*  I'm so proud of myself for working out regularly.  Pics!

I make lots of funny faces and noises.

First time working out with weights!

My legs look long!  :D

Super long!!  :D  :D

*  I have another show coming up this Sunday peeps!  iO West / Olympic's Del Close Theater.  6366 Hollywood Blvd.

• Sunday, May 19th at 8:30pm enjoy a FREE evening of stories at Improv Olympic's Del Close Theater, hosted by Molly Fite & Erika Brooks Adickman! Hear amazingly true and hilarious "MOMMY DEAREST" tales from LA's most fantastic storytellers including: Lauren Smitelli Caila Ball Celine Geiger Alexandra Choi and a Special Guest!

iO WEST

6366 Hollywood Blvd, Los Angeles, California 90028

View Map · Get Directions

Now on to the main attraction.....


I took care of some things that I have been pushing off.  For example, calling one of my aunts back.  It's taken me months.  MONTHS!

She's a talker.  I kept telling myself, "She's gonna keep me on the phone.  I know it.  I got shit to do.  I'll call her tomorrow."  This went on longer than I would have liked.

And it would be ok if I just left it at that but, I carried the guilt around with me each day I didn't call her back.  It was always there with me.....this annoying, nagging, "I'm a bad niece" feeling.

I called her for Mother's Day.  I had so much to do but, I had to finally nip it in the bud.  It was 5 minutes, then 10 minutes into the conversation.  She kept talking.  I always try my best to be present in all situations.  When I'm writing, when I'm talking to someone, when I'm listening to someone, etc....  But, I was already running late for a wedding I had to go to in Malibu, and my mind was jumping from 'things to do' to getting angry and angrier with her.

Check yourself, Alex.

I did.  I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath.  I was WITH my breath.  I was WITH my inhale.  I was WITH my exhale.  I was WITH my body.  Oh shiiiiit, of course.

My anger with her was really coming from my guilt for not calling her sooner.  What if I cut her off and she gets sad?  I don't want her to be mad or sad with me.  I don't want to feel worse about being a bad niece.  Yes, I wanted to give her as much time to make up for those months I didn't call her back.  But, that's a sick way of giving her my time, isn't it?

Co-dependency, much??  

Granted it is my fault for not calling her sooner but, it is what it is.  What's done is done and all I can do is apologize and forgive myself.  Then keep it moving.  My life's purpose is to feel good.  So, what can I do to feel good right now?  What would I say or do if the guilt wasn't taking control of this situation?

I literally removed the thought and the feeling of guilt.  And this is what came up.

I wanted to call her for Mother's Day since she doesn't have kids of her own.  That's what I wanted to do for her and for myself.  But, I was also having an extremely busy day.  I wanted to take care of myself as well.  Boundaries.  Healthy ones.

So, I let her finish her story.  And I told her that I had to get off the phone because it was a busy day for me.

I didn't feel bad about it.  In fact, I felt pretty darn good about it.

She completely understood.  She said, "Thank you for calling."  I said, "It was my pleasure.  It was good talking to you.  Let's talk again soon."  Done.

All that messiness was just in my head.  It wasn't reality.  I tend to create and assume things and project it onto people and situations.  I used to do this with my mother a lot.  I used to keep everything a secret from her for her sake.  "Oh, she'll never understand.  It'll hurt her too much.  It'll make her angry."  Now, I tell her everything.  I just want to be honest and how she interprets it is her job, not mine.  I'm learning to give people a chance to love me for me.  And not their idea of me.  Nor do I want to constantly mold into their idea of me.  Being inauthentic is just too exhausting.  Know what I'm sayin?

Setting healthy boundaries for myself was my lesson in this.  When my cup is full, I have more than enough to give.  The giver and receiver BOTH feel good.  I don't want to give with expectations, give with resentments, give with obligations, give with ties.  I just want to give.  And when it's my turn to receive, I just want to receive.

I actually learned a few lessons by writing this out.


Putting things off causes more dis-ease in me.  Take action.

What it means to give...to really give.  It's pure. 

Set healthy boundaries for  myself.  It's not being selfish.  It's making sure I'm full so I can hold space for others.  And I hope others do the same for me too.  Setting healthy boundaries help me feel good, and when I feel good, others around me feel good too.  We're all connected, remember?

Don't be afraid to be honest and direct (as long as it comes from love...self-love and love for others).   

Is this reality or just my projection of it?  



You feel me?  Hope you have a wonderful week full of action, healthy boundaries, and self-love.




with MAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Loving The Duality In Me....Ya Feel Me?" Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 19.

Kelsey Edwards Photography

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  I have set a new goal.  It's a one-year goal.  I want to do the Fringe Festival next year with a solo-show.  What do you think?!  My writing coach and I are already brainstorming ideas and stories.  It's going to be amazing.  :)

*  I make a cameo in this film.  My friends made it and am so proud of them.  Goooooo Far Flung Star cast and crew!  Here's the trailer if you'd like to see it!  Click HERE.

*  Yaaay!  Show was so much fun with these ladies!  Thank you Jessie Rosen, Alice Boher, and Ingrid Haas.  They are so funny!  Who says pretty women aren't funny?!

I let some secrets out and I feel a lil lighter.  :D  Thank you to those who came out to support.  Meant a lot to have you there.  Here are some pics for your perusal.

Alice Johnson Boher has a show called 'Bitch Trouble'.  Wednesday, May 8th @ 8pm.  I know it's late notice but, if you can go, GO!  She's so funny and smart.  Had me laughing throughout her story.  I'm a huge fan.  For more info, www.brownpapertickets.com/event/316188

Now on to the main attraction......

This past weekend, day of show, I was perturbed, to say the least.

Without getting into too much detail, I had a 'conversation' with a casting director.  Let's just say, I am not a fan.

As you all know, I work hard at my career.  I work hard at creating social media presence.  I also work hard at being of service to others.  

An idea struck me a couple of weeks ago.  I thought it was brilliant.  I thought, "Holy shit.  We can do this together!  This is possible!".  I believe there's power in numbers. 

I was briefly talking to a friend whom I admire and adore about this.  Apparently, the 'said casting director' was very knowledgeable in this area.  We asked for more information/help.  The "said casting director's" answer was matter of fact, and NOT NICE.  Not for nothing, I thought it was condescending.  Totally reminded me of....."If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all."

I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I kept thinking, "Did I say something wrong to invite this?"  Even my friend agreed it was harsh.  Wow.  

The Brooklyn Alex was about to have her moment.  Brooklyn Alex takes no shit.  From no one.  Brooklyn Alex is the rage-filled fighter.  She comes out to protect the Little Alex (the little girl and the too too sweet, spiritual one) when she feels scared and hurt.  

It was a battle between Brooklyn Alex (BA) and Little Alex (LA).  The Little Alex took over for a second and responded back with, "Yes, you're right.  Thank you."  

BA:  What the fuck are you talking about?!  Thank you???!!!!  Thank you for what?  For talking to you like you're a nobody?!  For being condescending?!  For treating you like a piece of shit?!  What are you fucking crazy?  No!  She is not right!  She doesn't know shit and she has no right talking to you like that.  Tell her.  Why can't you ever stand up for yourself?  You're such a pussy!  You're so damn frustrating.  Tell her.  Tell her why you asked her for help.  If she knows the reason, in detail, then she'll feel stupid.  Tell her she's a bitch and she's fake.  Who gives a shit who she is?!  She acts like she's so actor friendly....my ass!  No right to be disrespectful.  Tell her!  

LA:  No.  She meant well.  She's busy.  Just be glad she even took the time out to give us an answer.  Maybe she gets this question a lot.  Maybe I said it wrong.  Maybe she's having a bad day.  Why do you always think people are being mean?  Maybe I'm just too sensitive.  I need to work on thickening my skin more.  I'll get over it.  Just let it go.  I'm gonna be the bigger person.

I, Alex (the observer, the meditator, the mediator) had to jump in.  I knew both BA and LA had to express their feelings so that I can find my balance.

I walked away and completely allowed BA have her say first.  Wrote some fuck's, lots of fuck's with lots of exclamation points down on a piece of paper.  I went all the way.  Then, allowed LA to do the same.  She was free to say "I'm so hurt."

Yes, I am spiritual.  But, being spiritual doesn't mean denying my 'bad' feelings and only having positive and 'good' thoughts.  I don't walk around saying OMMMMM and smiling all the time.   I don't want to either.  I just want to be real and authentic as possible.  Being spiritual means to own them all.  Acknowledge that I'm human and whatever exists in me, exists.  My priority is to honor all my feelings and emotions.  ALL.  

Received a sign from God/Universe that I did good and passed.  Mastin Kipp, of The Daily Love talked about exactly this on the blog.  Click here if you'd like to read it.  Subscribe if you haven't.  I've been reading it everyday for 3 years now.  

I'm glad I allowed for BA and LA to each have her moment.  It was necessary.  Necessary for my well-being, and necessary to be able to write this post from a place of clarity.

Dallas Travers, the best creative career coach, taught us that there will be NYP's - Not Your People.  No matter what you say or do, they just won't like you or your work....or just won't care.  And that's ok.  Because on the flip side, there are people who love you and support you no matter what.  So, the 'said casting director' just happens to be my NYP.  

I do everything with integrity.  Or at least I try my damn hardest.  I know what my intentions were.  I trust myself.  I love myself.  That's all I can count on.  With that, I am at peace with how I handled the situation, and how I'm accepting the outcome.  

This reminds me of a quote, "I am only responsible for what I say, not what you understand."  I don't remember who said it or where I read it.  

This just hit me.....this goes both ways.  The casting director can be saying this to me as well.  Ha!  It may be that she did mean well but, her words didn't land on me the way I wanted it to.  We really do only see what we want to see.  Touche!  :)

This is my way of taking my power back as an actress, as an artist.  Yes, there are gatekeepers but, they don't have power OVER me.  They have power but, so do I.  I don't believe anyone should have power over another but, support and encourage one another to own our own.  I'm here to create and collaborate.  And I believe God/Universe is working on helping me with that.  Because at the end of the day, I just want to have fun and enjoy this shit.  Know what I'm sayin?!

You know what else?  I had a show coming up in few hours when this happened.  I was giving the situation more power to distract me from focusing on what was important.  Oh Ego, what am I gonna do with you?  ;)

So, to the 'said casting director', from the bottom of my heart, Thank You.  This is from both Brooklyn Alex and Little Alex.  :D

SCREW THAT!  I say, allow yourself to take it personally so you don't really take it personally.  Makes sense?

Where have you given up your power?  How can you honor ALL of you?  

Wishing you a powerful week.  :)

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex

'Love NOW. Loss But, Not Lost'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 18.

My Bells has so much personality.  I love you my baby!!

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

Guess who's taking the stage soon?!

*  SHOW ANNOUNCEMENT!  I'M SUPER STOKED FOR THIS.  AND NERVOUS.  COME AND SEE SOME HOT LADIES TALK ABOUT SEX!!  WEEEEEEEEE!  BEWARE.  MY STORY IS TOTALLY R-RATED, JUST FYI.


  Just a little reminder that you and your lady friends have AWESOME plans this Sunday! 

Topic: When Your Sex Life Gives You Lemons...

Talent: Ingrid Haas + Alice Johnson Boher + Alexandra Choi + more!

Logistics: Sunday, 5/5, Doors at 8 (show 8:30), Bar Lubitsch, $6 ONLINE or at the door

Rules: NO BOYS ALLOWED

See you and the DOZENS of ladies you'll be bringing along Sunday night!

*  And please vote my friend Natalia!  Natalia has been doing my retouches (click here for her website) and she's back at it with fashion and working her butt off.  Support this hardworking girl!  

Help @NataliaFedner achieve her design dreams - vote for her purse design, she's representing Los Angeles (#7)! 

Just click on this link, enter email addy and click vote.  Thank you.  You have til May 5th!

http://stitchcollective.com/pages/vote-now

*  And a THANK YOU shout out to my new subscribers!!

Dawnpdavis, Fabinlombardia, and Priyankasingha.  I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.  

Now on to the main attraction.......

This post is dedicated to those who have lost a loved one.  Especially dedicating this to Suzanne and GW.  

Love NOW.  

It was an emotional week/end.  

My writing coach, Suzanne had to put her dog, Bonzai to sleep.  I, along with other close friends went with her for support.

Bonzai had three different kinds of cancer and it was found literally three weeks ago.  Since then, he deteriorated rather quickly.  Suzanne got to spend the last week with him...and just him, and gave her best to nurse him back to health.  It was time for him to go.  

Another friend of mine, GW lost his mom couple of weeks ago to cancer as well.  

This has made me think hard about loss and fear of loss.  My heart hurts for them and for myself.  

The last time I lost someone close (my grandpa), I was medicated.  I stayed stoned so I didn't have to feel anything.  While my whole family was crying and going through the motions, I was there walking around like a zombie.  I really numbed it out.  I blocked it out of my memory too.  I'm sober now.  

Sobriety is slowly and unexpectedly forcing memories that were once pushed way way down to surface again.  Even now...something is stinging at my heart.  My heart stings right now, there's a lump in my throat, and my eyes are are getting hot like it's filling up with tears soon.  I'm sitting at the office.  I'm holding it in....there's a guy sitting right across from me.  I wonder, if I just busted out in tears right now and looked up at him what would he say or think?  Oh god, now I want to crack up at the thought of that.  Aren't emotions crazy?  I want to bawl one second, then maniacally laugh the next.  They make no sense at all.

Suzanne has started a Love Revolution.  She's been telling people she doesn't say "I love you" to enough.  Even in class, we started by pairing up and saying those three words that are so often taken for granted, and/or just said like 'how are you?', but we meant it.  Some associate it too much with romantic love and the meaning gets a little twisted.  I'm talking about Pure Love.  Human to human, spirit to spirit, LOVE.  No agenda, no expectation....just simply giving, receiving, and appreciating.  Really mean it.  It hurts to mean it, doesn't it?  It's scary to mean it, doesn't it?  It's intimate and takes vulnerability and courage simultaneously, doesn't it?  It's too real.  It's too big.  But once you do it, it becomes a part of you a little more.....and the more you do it, you'll see you are love, he is love, she is love, we are love.

Thank you, Suzanne and GW for teaching me another lesson on strength.  I love you.  From one soul to another.    

I came across this.  When feelings and emotions don't make sense, our minds go bonkers.  We have to make sense of things to feel better.  In that case, maybe these words may help.  I don't know.  But, I'm passing it along.  

This is via INSPIRE Tadasana Festival which got it via I FUCKING LOVE SCIENCE'S Facebook Page.  

An Honest Eulogy

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen.

—Aaron Freeman

Can you Love NOW??  That's what I wish for you this week.  That's what I wish for myself this week.  :)

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex