Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week.....
* My next show is coming up! Sunday, May 5th. I will be one of four ladies performing at SUNDAY NIGHT SEX TALKS. What will I talk about??? Hmmmmm???
Ladies only.
Now on to the main attraction....
Fan or Stalker??
This past week I received a fan email requesting for a signed copy of my photo. This is now my second. Sounds pretty cool, yes?
However, I freaked out a bit.
The first one came straight to my personal email address. This second one was sent to my two separate agents (commercial and theatrical) which was then forwarded to me. At first, I was excited and pleasantly surprised. I read the email and thought, "This is amazing! I can't believe there are people I don't know seeing my work!" Then, "Wait a minute. How did he find my agents' contact info? Wait a minute. What else could people find out about me on the web?" Fear started to creep in.
No no no. I won't let the fears creep in. I'm just going to think positive thoughts and be grateful. So, I took a picture of the email and sent it out into my social media accounts. The feedback on Facebook was mixed. Some people 'Liked', while others warned me to be careful of weirdos.
Guess where I put my focus? On the comments that were warning me to be careful. My pep talks to myself weren't working anymore. I started to concoct crazy ass stories in my head. Like the ones that you try to dismiss quickly because it's just too scary. And I was getting mad at myself for not being able to stop. We can become so imaginative.
"This is not my reality. I'll create that if I keep thinking about it, so stop thinking about it damnit!" I hated believing in the Law of Attraction.
Then a friend who was also in the movie texted me shortly after and said that her agent received the same exact email, word for word, just the name was different. What the fuck. I got real angry with the fan/stalker because he was making me feel too vulnerable without my consent. People react differently when they feel attacked....some get hurt, some feel guilty, some back down and give up. I turn into a monster. It's as if all the rage of the world enters me and I don't care if I die in the process, I'm taking you down, your family, your pet, everything you've got. Starting with torture with my bare hands. I see red. It's you or me to the death....I become relentless. If I had a super power, it would probably be fire (I'm a fire sign and I love heat) and my name would be Rage.
Now, that's one side of me. The flip side of me, because there's always a flip side, would be the all loving, everything is cool, what's meant to be will be, just go with the flow, carefree, relaxed me. The lover, the peacemaker, not the fighter. Of course, I emailed another friend who was in the movie and she reflected back to me this version of me. Her manager received the same email as well. Her take was, "Oh Alex, you have nothing to worry about. It comes with the territory and just be grateful that you're getting fans! You're safe girl." I felt better but, not 100%. I'm not saying it was coming from a naive perspective but, something was missing.....for me.
I was now again left to process this extreme alone. One extreme to another. Back and forth. Fuck, I just want to find my balance. What feels good to me?? I can't even tell anymore.
God/The Universe speaks when you stop talking and start listening. Instead of trying to figure out the answer, I asked for an answer.
Reality. What is the reality of the situation, Alex? The reality is, I received a fan email. That's it.
The anxiety and rage left my body. I felt it. My heart opened up again. I took a conscious breath. I was grateful for my reality.
I had a similar experience not too long ago. I have Google Alert set up. Google alerts me whenever my name pops up on the web. Some time last year, in the span of a week, I found out that 1. Someone created a Facebook profile page without my consent. He/she got my pics from my personal Facebook account and posted a few status updates pretending to be me. Crazy, huh? 2. Then, someone else made a youtube video of me, again, without my consent. He/she pulled a bunch of my pictures from the web and put together a slideshow.
I freaked out and got angry then too. Eventually the fears subsided and I moved past it. I figured, "Learn how to handle and process these now because I'm in it to win it. I'll probably get more of these in the future. I'm in training now."
I don't know what my balance is quite yet. I'm simply managing how to stay grateful, gracious, and cautious. My dear friend, Miss J recommended a book to me. Turns out I already had it. Isn't that so serendipitous? I bought it about 8 years ago when my first acting coach recommended it to me. I was doing a scene from the play, Extremities by William Mastrosimone. It was a rape scene. How does fear take place in a woman's mind and body before something so intrusive happens? I read a little bit from the book mentioned, The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. Oprah calls him the nation's leading expert on violent behavior. De Becker believes, "True fear is a gift. Unwarranted fear is a curse." And he teaches you how to tell the difference.
Knowledge is power and I want to educate myself as much as possible. For this book to come full circle in my life again, it's a sign, as I see it. So yes, I will be reading this book, in full, this time.
I believe this particular fan is a genuine fan of the movie. I would have done the same thing if I were requesting for autographs from the cast....send out the same letter just with different names. So, Mr. Fan, thank you for your love and support of our movie.
I'm setting some healthy boundaries for myself. I'm also learning how to act with integrity for myself and with others, especially when I don't feel like it. I accept all the challenges and lessons to come and I will respond with kindness and according to my truth. This is the journey for this thriving actress. I saw this and thought it was perfect for this lesson.
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And here's the fan email in case you're curious.
So, to all my fellow thriving artists, what does your journey look like for you this week? Any boundaries you can set? How does acting with kindness and integrity look for you?
with MAD LOVE,
x Alex
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