'Fear Of Success, Who Meeee?' Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 13

Photo by Kelsey Edwards Photography

Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week......

*  Had a last minute meeting with a management agency this past weekend.  Yaaay!  Let's see what happens!

*  Remember the night-time mask, Nerium AD??  I started late last year but, didn't really stick to it routinely.  Also, my trip to New York for a month and half threw me off.  Well, I've been back on it, and using it regularly for a little over a month now.  My skin's AMAZING.  I keep getting compliments.  I, and my friends completely see a difference with my skin tone and texture.  My regular facials are helping with my acne but, I have lots of acne scars.  Nerium is definitely helping with the healing process.  Plus, it's tightening up my face.  It's like a fountain of youth in a bottle, I swear.  I should have, could have, taken more pics earlier....oh well.  I'm starting now.  Here's my skin, with no makeup.  NO MAKEUP!!  YESSSSSS!  

Do you see how smooth my skin is already??

Some dark spots and discoloration.  Dark acne scars are easier to rid than....

Ice pick/pock marks.  You can't really see but, I have those too.  Those are permanent but, Nerium helps fill them out.

Now on to the main attraction......

Fear of Success??  Who meeeeee????!!!!!!!!

Why would I fear success?  It's what I want.  Or so I thought.  

When I met with the management agency, they said, "You should be going out more."  Yeah, I'm gonna toot my own horn here,.....I agree.  But, I don't.  I know why.  Fear of success.  My internal conflict.

This is how it looks for me these days.  

I fear that I will become so successful that I will barely have time to eat, sleep, date, hang with friends, go on vacations, stick to my spiritual practices, work out with my trainer, see my family, play with my dog, take a nap, lay out in the Sun, and write my blog.  Sounds dramatic? 

I have come to live my life a certain way....the way it suits me, comfortably.  I like my freedom.  I like having options on how to spend my time.  I do well achieving things under pressure but, I do it with resentment at that point.  As much as I love the art and craft of acting and storytelling, and as lucky as I am to be able to pursue my dream, I know me......I know once I feel overwhelmed and not in control, I will be like a walking time bomb.  I will take things for granted and I won't enjoy a single thing.  That's what I'm afraid of.  Not being able to live my life on my terms and enjoying it.  But, what scares me even more is that my fear of this will actually hold me back from taking action.

For example, when I received a response about meeting with the management agency, I immediately felt, "Yaaaay!!!", then the voices started happening.  "What if I sign with them, they get me out a lot, and then I start booking and working like crazy.  That means Bells (my dog) will be home alone and that makes me feel sad and guilty.  What if my sleep schedule changes and I have to wake up at like 3 or 4 in the mornings?!  Then my hormones will go crazy again, and that will cause my acne to flare up again.  That means, I'm gonna have to go to bed earlier.  I already go to bed early....I'm gonna have no life.  What if the changes happen abruptly and simultaneously?  What if I can't handle them?  What if they change me?  Etc...etc.....etc.  

Can you believe I entertained the idea (hard) to decline the meeting??  I ask for one, I get it, and then I considered saying, "No, thanks."

According to my roommate, I tend to 'put the cart before the horse' in most scenarios.  Hahahahaha.  I do.

I do this because I know my breaking point, and I will stir up enough drama, in and out of me, to give me a reason to abandon my dream and responsibilities.  Because if I'm pushed to my limits, then I had no choice but to walk away,  play the victim, and I can forever blame everything and everyone outside of me for my unhappiness.  

Does that make sense?

Good news is, I'm not in denial about my not wanting to succeed.  I see my actions, lack of actions, my pattern.  

Fear is real but, it's not the truth. And they only become your truth when you allow it to stop you from taking action on behalf of your dreams, which is the ultimate reality.  YOUR DREAM IS THE ULTIMATE REALITY, not your fears.

Now what?

Now, it's to just sit with this new awareness.  This awareness is the gift and lesson itself.  This awareness will birth different thinking and different actions.  Hopefully.  And if it doesn't, that's okay too.  :)

You know.....this totally applies to my dating/love life too.  Woooof.  ;)

So, where do you fear success??  Do you see any patterns?  Are you willing to believe your truth over what you think is real?

Have a successful week....however that looks to you!

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex