Not a single thing was retouched. Whaaaaat.
Don't you think I can totally do a hair commercial?? ;)
Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week....
* I'm going to Vegas this week! Yeah! I was there about 5 or 6 years ago for one of my bestie's bachelorette party. I've been such a good girl......Sin City, I'm coming for you.
* I have been on an accessories kick. I like to reinvent my wardrobe whenever the season changes. Law of Attraction actress - I want to own my own line or have my own boutique. I'll be posting more pics. Follow me on Instagram for faster updates!
* Been working out twice a week with my trainer, DePaul. Again, Law of Attraction actress - I've always wanted to be a Bond Girl. I also want to do an action movie or two. So, whenever I'm working out, I pretend we're training for a movie.
I'm planking!
I get to work out with a view. Am I blessed or what?
Now on to the main attraction...........
As promised, I will have a guest blogger once a month. Here is my dear dear friend, Maz. Maz has been booking like crazy these days! Argo, The Mentalist, The Mindy Project, Scandal....just to name a few. You can find more of his honest rants on his blog, "Maz's Muzings....blah blah blah".
Aaaannnd, here's Maz everyone!
Before I open my eyes in the morning, the first thoughts I have are, “What are you doing? You’ve wasted your life. As old as you are, do you still have time to make something of yourself?”
Then I wake up.
Then, when I’m completely alone, the same thoughts start happening again, only way louder and clearer.
It’s exhausting being this self-critical, having this much of a deep seated sense of valuelessness. Despite whatever modicum of success I attain (?), I’m convinced it’s either a total fluke or a smart assed universe that wants me to get comfortable with it, only to yank it away.
So imagine my surprise when my friend, Alex, asked me to guest blog for her telling people how I’ve ‘done it’.
We talked about it and I said I was really uncomfortable doing that because I didn’t think I had any advice to give any body. She said, “Just tell them what you do, not what they should do.”
What the heck, here you go. Do with it what you will.
This essay is due yesterday. I’m just getting to it now. But it will be ready for her, even though I’ve spent the last three weeks putting it off, because like I said, I don’t have anything to say about it. But I said I would so I’m going to.
That’s a big part of it, doing what I say I’m going to do. I don’t always but when I don’t it hurts me because my word and my deed are al I have any control over.
I wrote a play once, “Soul Mates from Hell”, and Alex was one of the leads in it. The idea had been floating around in my head for years, the result of a drunken conversation I was having with my ex-wife when she wasn’t and I said we were soul mates. From hell. It was sort of funny at the time, but true. Then we got divorced and I went through some personal demons and got to the other side and I started doing some writing and got into acting and the idea stayed there. The studio I’m a part of, Carter Thor Studio, which is just amazing, did plays. I asked if I can put one up. They asked me what it was about. It was still a germ of an idea but they sounded kind of interested and said I could. When they asked me for two dates when I wanted to put it up, I said the one date as far in the future as I could and the other date the one just before that. And it got written, it got cast, it got rehearsed, and it went up. Because I did what I said I was going to do. You want to talk about self-doubt and loud voices in my head? This was an extremely raw autobiographical piece about my life when I went through those personal demons I was talking about. But I did it.
It was well received, it showed me I could actually write, it showed me I had a voice and a point view. In spite of my total lack of worth.
The other thing I do is I do. Every ounce of self doubt I have, every screaming voice in my head telling me I’m an idiot for even thinking I can, every time I try to get someone else to tell me how great I am and they don’t because they want me to get a real job because this acting thing is never, ever going to work out or they do tell me how great I am but it’s obviously a lie because, like the voices keep telling me, I suck, in spite of all that, I do. I write (not enough) and I act (not enough) and I audition (not enough) and I try to live a creative life (nowhere near enough). I keep plugging along.
When I first started acting, I put together a resume of the scenes I’d been doing in class and the extra work I did in friends’ films and I got some headshots and started submitting myself to everything. I started auditioning for student films and that terrified me. But I kept doing it. The first thing I submitted for was for a Palestinian father. I thought, I’m Palestinian, I’m a father. This should be a no brainer. This was in the old days when you mailed out your head shot. I expected the guy I sent it to would see it and cast me immediately. That’s not what happened. Three weeks later, I was still waiting for a phone call. I swear to God, I was going to quit acting right then, but I finally got the call and I went in and I auditioned and I booked it.
And for over five years I kept doing the student film work, the scenes they recorded for their classes and the scenes they did live in class and the short films they made, I just kept doing it.
And I learned. I learned how to audition and I learned what a mark was and how to stand on it and I learned what back to one meant and I learned about making movies.
I worked for free for a very long time but it allowed me to gain experience and put together a reel and how to have a point of view.
Then I started going in for paying stuff. I remember when I got paid $20.00 to be an extra in a short film I don’t remember. I remember when I did my first TV show and they paid me $50.00 for a few hours work and somebody I know in Florida saw me in it. I remember when I got $100.00 a day for five days to be the lead in a short film. I made $500.00! ACTING! I remember when I did my first ‘real’ TV show, The Unit, written by David Mamet. I got to speak David Mamet’s word for a character that they hired me to play so no one else will ever say them. And then I started doing other TV shows and movies and plays and sketch comedy and, in spite of the voices I still have every single morning, I’m getting better at it.
Because I just keep doing it.
I hope this helped.
Thank you Maz!
Have an action filled week everyone! I sure will.
with MAD LOVE,
Alex
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