"Strong Is The New Sexy". Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 37-41.

Jenny Yang Photography

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  'Diary Of The THRIVING Actress' blog is undergoing some major REINVENTION right now!  I am too, I guess.  Thank you for bearing with me as I post less for the time being.  This blog will have its own home on alexandrachoi.com soon.  Hell yeah!!!!  Guys, I'm so excited for this because I am creating a virtual home for me.  I hope you like it.

*  Here's my NEW REEL!  Thank you to my friend, Chris Capizzi for cutting this.
When it comes to reels now, 30 sec and under.  And they want drama separate from comedy.  Why?  Because time is money, peeps.  And casting directors just want to see if you can act.....and that doesn't take long.  Also, a comedy casting director doesn't want to see drama, they want to see comedy, and vice versa.  Makes sense.  So, here is my 30 sec DRAMA REEL!  Comedy one coming soon.









Now on to the main attraction.....



I lost some weight.  About 15-17 lbs.  I'm 5'7" and now I'm down to 96, 97 lbs.

I'm scared.

And this is not sexy.

I'm not trying to lose weight.  The weight just won't stay on.

The photo on top is from one of my most recent shoots.  You can probably tell by my arm how thin I am right now.

Granted, I'm not eating as much these days (and by not eating much I mean, I eat like one meal a day with snacks here and there) because I have no appetite.  I mean, I do but, there's just a lot on my mind,.................. I think, and eating feels like a chore at times.  However, even on my binge eating days my stomach doesn't feel full....I feel like a bottomless pit.  I go through periods of not eating as much, periods of binge eating, but this a little strange.  The weight just keeps dropping and dropping.  I even went into emergency a few weeks back.  ( I'll write more on this in the next post because this was a trip).

The severe weight loss started some time early this year, but it was so gradual that if you saw me everyday, you wouldn't really notice (like my roommate didn't really notice until I told her my weight the other day).  But, friends I haven't seen in a minute, they say something because, I guess it's noticeable.

Ever since I was little I was skinny.  I get it from my dad's side.  They're all thin and tall.  But, I got made fun of for being TOO skinny.  "Olive Oyl", "ET fingers", "chopstick", "toothpick", "twig", "branch", blah blah blah.  So, I have "issues" about looking too thin, know what I'm sayin?  While probably the majority of the population may look in the mirror and see themselves heavier than they really are, I look at myself and see the opposite......and in some cases, the opposite sex.  I feel like I look like a man.  Because I didn't grow up with boobs, an ass, hips, nothing....just broad shoulders.  I think androgynous is cool now but, growing up??  I didn't want to look like a man.  One time one of my worst nightmares came true....someone actually asked me if I was a swimmer in college and I freaked.  You know, swimmers and shoulders.

I feel like every move I make isn't graceful but, awkward.  I also don't like my face so gaunt...I think it makes me look older.  I'm afraid I look sick and unhealthy too....and what's scary is that I can't even tell myself.   For example, I have been 'checking in' with friends before posting pictures to social media if I look too skinny.  I have always told my friends that if I ever get to that point, TELL ME.  Also, not like I have to at all these days, but I don't like sitting on anyone's lap ( for example, growing up in a big family, we had to cram into cars a lot and I had to sit on or be sat on), and every time I sat on someone's lap, the jokes would start about how my bony butt was hurting them....embarrassing!  So, when you ask your significant other or friends, "Do I look fat?", I ask, "Do I look like a man?" or "Do I look sick?".

In college, I actually started to pack on some pounds.  I loved it.  Because boys were now finally giving me the attention that I deserved....."Daaaaamn, look at that ass!"  In my college days and up to my mid 20's, I was 'The Asian with a fatty", and I totally let that get to my head.  Now, look at me.....just like every other Asian girl......ass as flat as a pancake.  Is this karma?  :D  I reconnected with an ex from my 'Asian with the fatty' days and he was like, "What happened to your ass?!"  Bah hahahaha, guys, I'm laughing but, I'm really crying inside.

So now the time has finally come....my friends are telling me I look sick.  Honestly, they don't have to tell me...I know.  My clothes don't fit, I see it in pictures, I feel weak,  and it's affecting my state of mind.  It's a mind fuck, guys.......right to the head.

I do feel like half of a person...half of me right now.  And I guess it's physically manifesting this way.  I feel like I'm disappearing.  This is a real fear.......I feel like I'm disappearing.  So not sexy.  There's also this constant lump in my throat.  Like I'm not saying something....or it could be this damn choker I've been wearing.

These could be symptoms for anything.  I know, because I googled it.  I'm already playing out worst case scenarios in my head about seeing the doctor this week, but I'm also doing things on my end to gain some weight and relieve some stress till then.

Stress..........effin stress.  It's probably stress.  And what's crazy is that I don't even feel that stressed.  I'm stressed but, not more than other times.  I don't know if I have just become desensitized by it, but it doesn't feel any more unmanageable now than it did when my weight is normal.  Although, there are moments when I'm driving and I'll feel a slight numbness happening on the left side of my face.  I'm gonna stop now because I feel like I sound like a hypochondriac.

Strong is the new sexy, not feeling slow, weak and lethargic all the time.  I might as well be dead then.....sorry for the morbidity.

Just take care of yourself.  Peace.



Have a healthy and THRIVING week, peeps.


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"I'm Having A Baby! FIGURATIVELY!" Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 35-36.

Photo by:  Cammy Kinney Photography

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*   A THANK YOU shout out to  Cammy Kinney, Jenny Yang, Chris Capizzi, and Amaris Modesto!  My website wouldn't be possible without you!  Thank you so much for your talent, skills, time and patience!!!  Yaaaay!!!!  Go team!!  I'm so blessed!!  I'm so grateful!!!!  Ow Ow OWWWWW!!!!

Here's a photoshoot with Cammy and me, with Jenny behind the camera, and Chris with lighting and set design.  How dope, right?!!

Now on to the main attraction....

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm having a baby!  FIGURATIVELY!!

Actually, I'm having a website!!

Who else got scared besides me?!  Bah hahaha.

Whenever I'm in creating mode, I feel like I'm preggers and when it's done, it's like giving birth.  Interestingly enough, your 2nd chakra (your sex organs) is actually linked to creativity....go figure.   And as a woman in her thirties, it's natural for me to think about procreating.  However, I think I'm still open.  I'd like to have a couple of my own, but honestly, I've been pretty passive about it in this department.  I guess I'm still undecided.  So, instead, to still feel like a 'productive' woman (pun absolutely intended), I think of all my body of work as my babies....every piece of writing, every photograph, every video, everything is done with the intention of creating something out of so much love and pain, and then letting it go with hopes that it does its own thing and adds value to the world in some way.  This is my legacy so far.  Huh, I guess I want to be remembered after all.

Anyways, there's a website incubating in me and I'm like a new mom that wants to keep the baby all to myself but, I can't wait to see it and share it with the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to THANK YOU for reading and supporting this blog....seriously.  It means a lot to me.  I know I've been a little flaky with the posts lately, but I'm figuring things out with my life.  For example......Diary Of The THRIVING Actress (DOTTA) is undergoing some major reinvention!!   Yaaay!!!

My goal as of right now is my personal website....alexandrachoi dot com!!  Oh snap, so official.  :D

I'm working with a web designer to create a virtual home space for me.  I'm also working with amazing friends who are helping me build content.  I'm creating creating creating right now!  (And just because it isn't a real live baby doesn't mean my hormones aren't raging....they are.  I'm a monster these days...don't cross me pls.  I tailgated a girl in her car the other day because she cut me off and then when I honked at her, she gave me the finger....so I followed her....for blocks...turns and all.......anyways...what was I saying?)

I've been running on adrenaline for the past month since my trip to Texas and I haven't really had time to breathe and experience the experience of creating my very own website.  I know it sounds kind of silly but, this is a big deal for me.

I've had the domain name alexandrachoi dot com for about 5 or 6 years.  I tried and tried and tried making one myself on Wix, then Wordpress, then Square Space, and gave up after a few frustrating moments.  I also started this blog during that time and it became my baby so I didn't really feel the need to create an official website....until now.

I've been feeling like this baby wants to grow and I've been holding it back because I feel like I'm not good enough to support its evolution.  I'm scared shit.  Creating is one thing, and starting a business is a whole other beast.  I'm tackling both right now.

The things I want to create now....create later...they scare me.  Because that means I believe in myself.  And saying I believe in myself, and actually doing something about it?  Yes, can be mutually exclusive.  I can just talk and talk and talk about it....think and think and think about it.

You know what?  Honestly, to give myself some credit....I think I'm the type of person to talk shit, a little.  To gear myself up, you know?  I like use my pride to my advantage.  I say things out loud, I post things publicly, because that's me holding myself accountable.  If I say I'm gonna do it...I'll do it................................eventually.

As I write this post, I'm forced to think about all of this, what I'm creating, why I'm creating.  Ooh, feeling a my heart chakra open up a bit.  Ahem.

God/The Universe, thank you.  (Omg, there's a newborn baby crying its lungs out right now somewhere and because I'm having trouble concentrating because of it, I just thought, "Shut that baby up!"  Omg, is this more telling?).  :D
God/The Universe, because in spite of all my fears and doubts, I trust that I'm in alignment with my path, and I'm also taking  control of creating my destiny.

Peeps, I have a BIG dream.  So BIG that it's scary and exciting.  The scared one wins over from time to time though.  I'm not mad.  Some days I think my dream is inevitable...others days, it seems as though it may just slip through my fingers and I'll be 60 years old thinking, "F*******ck".

I think about my family a lot.  I do this for them too, you know.  I'm making a list of everything I want to do, and have been doing.  I have to now.  I have a team that's holding me accountable.  (I'll write about this in another post.  Exciting stuff are happening!)  And as I write it all down, one by one...I can't help but realize....as BIG as my dream is....IT IS FUCKING POSSIBLE.

And it begins right now...right here...with one action.  Me sitting my ass down and finishing this post, is my one action right now.  I don't know if you guys know how much I love my blog, but writing a post out isn't the easiest thing.  (Each post is like giving birth too, p.s.).  But, I do it.    I don't make money off my blog....it was never intended for that.  The payoff comes after I finish a post.  It's like I lived my life for the day.  It's like I added value in some way.  It buys my Soul more time....I'm alive when I'm writing.  Can you put a price on that?

At the same time, there's an entrepreneur in me that won't leave me alone until I really give it a go.  I want to build a brand, a business.  I really do dream of building an empire one day.  Go big or go home, you know?  

So, my team and I are coming up with a plan to get a legit production underway.  We're actually doing it already.  We already have a few shoots under our belts.  We're figuring out ways to utilize our strengths, create great stuff, have fun while doing it, and monetize too.

Funny thing is, I feel like I'm starting from scratch again, but I'm not really.  I've been building for years now.  It's literally taking all those mistakes and lessons and applying them now.  And I adjust, tweak, modify well (maybe I should thank my slight co-dependent nature for that) but, it doesn't take me long to figure out another way if need be.  Keep it moving.

I'm a huge Tony Robbins fan.  ACTION ACTION ACTION is KEY to your success.  I've taken action on getting this website done for 5 or 6 years by buying the domain name and attempting to make one myself.  Today, I have a team that's helping me build content, I've hired a web designer, and we already have a few productions underway........MASSIVE ACTION.  I'm learning what my strengths and weaknesses are....there are certain things I need to learn and know myself, and other things...delegate, pay, do what you gotta do....because at the end of the day, shit needs to get done.

I'm kind of in the 'womb', 'in the trenches' with this baby.  I'm telling you, I'm feeling it....there are changes....not quite pregnancy changes but, changes nonetheless.

I lost my ass, I'm losing weight, drinking more coffee, sleeping less, meditating more, skin's clearing up, feeling slightly manic and bipolar at times, either lots of energy or none, drinking more water, grey hairs are popping up like crazy, and moody.  Just to name a few.

Kind of cool, huh?  This is an EPIC moment for me.  I'm building my very own personal website...my home....and I get to decorate it any way I want.  I can do whatever the hell I want!  And I'm celebrating as soon as this post is done to remind myself, and celebrate myself....because you gotta do that every step of the way.  No matter what, success has already begun.  And this baby is on its way!  Baby (website),  I've procrastinated for you long enough.  It is time.  I'm scared of how you'll turn out looking and if I'll even be able to keep you alive, but I'm going for it.  

Seriously, I can't wait to countdown to when the website goes live!!  Aaaahhhhh, I can feel the tingle in my body already.

Have a THRIVING week, peeps!

with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

Have a THRIVING week, peeps!

with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"The Power Of Words." Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 30-34

Photo by:  Jenny Yang

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week....

*  Hi Guys!  I'll be adding a little fashion to the blog!  I'm collaborating with my friend and photographer, Jenny Yang and we're going to do our version of #ootd (outfit of the day).  I'm so stoked for this because I love shopping and fashion.  Hell yeah!

*  My personal website is still under construction.  We're still working on logo and building each page.  It's going to take some time but I can't wait when it's done!!




Now on to the main attraction....




I'm back from Texas, ya'll!  Did ya miss me?

I had the best time ever.  I spent the first week in Lamesa with my best friend Cammy, then the week after I flew to Houston and stayed with my baby sister.  It was two weeks of non-stop action for me...photoshoots with Cammy, roadtripping with her and her fiance, hanging out with their family, then with my sister, another roadtrip and hanging out with her for her birthday.  Got to check off some things from my bucket list, like riding a horse, shooting a gun (a live gun, peeps, not a prop), did a lot of water activities like kayaking and water tubing, and just hung out with people....I did what Texans do, how they do it, when they do it, and it was a lot of fun.  I feel like I was from the South in a past life...there's something familiar about it to me.

But, not everything was familiar.  Guys, I know I'm gonna sound naive here, but racism still exists.

I was born in Korea and grew up in Brooklyn.  And Brooklyn has so many different ethnicities that if you said something racist, you're potentially starting a group thing because nobody fights alone back home.  So, yes, I dealt with some racism, but those were squashed quick.  And now I'm in LA...the most liberal, peace-loving state.  I've been sheltered.  Or have the ignorant people been sheltered?

And now with Mike Brown?  The nation is sensitive.  Well, almost.

Because if we keep using ignorance as an excuse....well, in my opinion, that's insensitive.

And when can you say it's ignorance or racism?  Am I the one that's just being too sensitive here?  These are questions I have to ask myself so I don't take on other people's shit.  But, do I really have to?  It seems unfair, but it is what it is.

For example, this happened here in LA, like not even a year ago...I started a new class.  We were all going around introducing ourselves.  It was my turn.  After I said my name and what I wanted to get out of the class, someone asked me what my ethnicity was.  (Honestly, this probably happens 70% of the time I meet anybody, or they take a guess at what I am....why?)  Anyways, I said, "Korean."  Another lady jumped in and said, "Oh, my son is dating a lovely Korean girl."  I said, "Oh cool!  Do you know her last name?"  You know, since we all have the same last names like Choi, Kim, Park, Lee, etc....  She said she didn't know or she forgot and said this...."I'm so proud that me and my husband didn't raise our boys to be bigots."  ????????????????????????  (blink blink blink blink).

Uh, ladies and gentlemen....I don't care if you're Korean or not, wouldn't you find it a little jarring to say the least?  It gets better.  She all of a sudden remembered something...."Oh wait, maybe she's Thai.", she said.  Keep shoving that foot in your mouth, lady.

This was also in front of a class.  It was so awkward, I felt bad for the both of us...seriously.

Ok ok, she was probably just ignorant or she was afraid to come off racist so she said things that actually backfired.  Regardless, let me just tell you, when you're on the receiving end of racism or ignorance, or whatever the hell you want to call it...IT SUCKS and IT HURTS.



I was in Austin and this is what I heard, "Ooooh look at that Chinese girl..that Chinese girl is hot.  Nay ho ma."

Now, before I respond/react to that.....take a moment, put yourself in my shoes,......how does that feel?  You're just minding your own business, just Instagram stalking, and a group of douchebags walk by and say, "Oooh look at that Chinese girl..that Chinese girl is hot.  Nay ho ma."


 

Then in Lamesa I heard the N word being used like the word "the", and not by black people, and they weren't following along to a rap song either.  It was the word...in its purity.  There were even new words made up that derived from the N word.  I was shocked.  "But, I'm here, right in front you, what makes you think that's ok?  Because I'm not black?"  But, at the same time, I knew they were only saying it because they just used it like the word "the".  I can be mad but, could I stay mad at them for it?  Now, I heard the word once.....eh, let it slide........Twice?.....please don't make me say something, because I don't know what to say, how to say it.  And just then, my best friend Cammy said, "You know, you should really stop using that word because it's offensive and honestly, I'm kind of feeling offended myself.  Alex's boyfriend was black,  I don't think she likes hearing that."

It's like the record stopped.

Now, why do you think the record stopped??  I can think of at least two reasons...they felt stupid and/or they finally felt the power of their words.

I told them politely that I understood where they were coming from, but at the same time, I had to deal with some racism myself, and seeing the type of racism that happened to my ex.....it's hurtful.

I didn't hear the word again.

Who knows if they'll stop using it ever, but they stopped while I was there.  They apologized too.

When I got back home to LA, I still carried this discomfort in my body, of feeling like "Damn, am I gonna be the only Asian here?  Are they staring me?  Am I welcomed or not welcomed?, etc...".  Just two weeks of it and I still brought that shit back with me in my body.  Now, can you imagine for generations?  I mean, the type of sense memory stuff that you're probably not even conscious of.  I do believe black men have to deal with racism on a whole other level.  There's history there.  I used to get pissed at my ex for not sticking up for himself more, but I see he was battling more than just a person.  It's goes deeper.

It does take a strong mind to clear away all the bullshit and figure out the TRUTH for ourselves.

Do you realize how much of us isn't really us?  For example, using the N word.....is that really you?  Is that something that makes you happy saying?  OR, Being called the N word and accepting it as you....is that really you?  Question it all and see for yourself.

Words...you can hurt someone with them, you can be hurt by them.  But at the end of the day, it's all up to you.




"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."  -  John Lennon.

Have a THRIVING week, peeps!


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"I'm In The Zone....The Danger Zone." Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 27-29.

Mark Mazzanti Photography

Hair and MUA:  Galaxy San Juan

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  Hi guys!  As I'm building content for my personal website, I'm thinking of cool new ways to interact with you more and have some fun while we're all 'doing the work' together.  If you're on any of the social media platforms you see to your left, 'Friend', 'Follow', 'Add' me!  

*  I'm collecting testimonials/comments from my blog readers for my site!  If you have something nice to say about this blog, please do so!  I'll add it to my site.  :D  And all you need to include is your first name, last name is optional, and City/State.  Thank you!

*  I will be in Texas for two weeks!  Leaving next week and will be there til early August.  I'm going for work and play.  First week I'll be seeing my best friend Cammy Kinney and shooting with her, then the week after I'll be with my sister for her birthday.  So excited!  Cammy already has scouted locations, my sister has also got cool things planned.  I'll be posting pics on Instagram and Facebook, for sure.  :D

Now on to the main attraction.....

Here's what happens when you create......YOU GET IN THE ZONE, and sometimes, that zone is NOT pretty.  

I'm in the zone....the danger zone.

Here's my danger zone....I start something, I get about 1/2 - 3/4 of the way through and then, I stop.  I move away from it because something else seems more 'urgent' all of a sudden, I get bored with it, it all seems like complete crap now, things aren't clicking easily, maybe I'm not suppose to finish this after all, I get nasty with people, I become a hermit, I go into a shell, I become slightly manic, blah blah blah...you know how it is.

My danger zone used to be actually the starting point.  I pushed through that and now I've plateau-ed here...the 'halfway' or 'almost' done mark.  I got so used to thinking that my danger zone was the beginning, and because starting is easy for me now, I thought, "I'm in the clear."

Wrong.  New danger zone.  I have a new breakthrough waiting for me.  This is how it is before a breakthrough....I know this shit already....I've been through this before....I've felt this feeling before.  THIS IS GROWTH.  PUSH THROUGH TO THE NEXT LEVEL.  I believe this awareness came to me because I'm ready now.  

Thank God for the awareness now at least.  I can figure out how to tackle this now.  The artist in me is still creating but, the business person, the professional in me is the one seeing it through.  

I'm juggling quite a few things at the moment...all stuff on the creating side.

*  Working on my personal website.....figuring out what my 'voice', 'style', 'brand' is and trying to incorporate that, then actually building content around that I feel good about.

*  Part of a writing/producing trio.

*  Flying to Texas to do a photoshoot with my best friend, photographer extraordinaire, Cammy Kinney next week!  It's for my new website and another project I'm finally executing.

*  Revamping and reinventing  my blog...since I'll have my own personal website, I'll probably transfer it over there so that everything's in one place.  

Writing that out....damn, I AM stepping it up.  I should give myself some credit.  It's a process, and I'm in it so the payoff of feeling that satisfaction isn't there YET but, I'm looking forward to that feeling afterwards.  I guess in essence, this whole post is really about focusing on the feeling after, not the feeling of going through it...then, why wouldn't you pull yourself out of it?  There's gonna be some pain in doing the work.  That's reality.  You're gonna be confronted with yourself too.  All our demons and angels will come out.  But, you'll make it through...as long as you focus on finishing and feeling that feeling when it's complete.  Because I'd rather the pain of work than the pain of no work, and regretting for having underestimated myself.  I cannot live with regret nor can I die with it.....and I will not.

So, even with this post, I'm now writing my last few sentences, I believe.  Believe me, I pulled away from my computer when I got to my danger zone.  Then, I realized Life Imitates Art, Art Imitates Life.  I laughed and got back to work...and here I am...finishing and shit.

Have a muddafuggin THRIVING week, peeps!

with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"How To Suffer." Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 26.

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week....

*  I booked a feature!  This will be my third project with Irena Belle Films.  I will also be dying in this one as well.  I got shot in the head in the last one....this one, I'll be getting stabbed to death.  Hollaaaaaaaaaaa.  It's a film noir/supernatural film.  I read the script last night and confirmed with the writer/director/producer that I'm in.  I also gave him a heads up with some travel dates for the coming months (had my fingers crossed that there wouldn't be any schedule conflicts).  Ummmm....he said they'll work around my schedule.  WHAAAAAAT?!!!!!  Guys, I didn't even have to audition.  He said he wrote the part for me and if I couldn't do it, he would have to audition other people.  I have people thinking of me when they write!!!  That's insane.  That's so insane.  I just slapped myself.

Magical things like this are beginning to show in my life again.  This is one of many already.  I'm aware of them, I'm grateful for them, and I'm going to do my best to keep the flow going by paying it forward the best I can.

Here is the The Silicon Assassins - Dead Reckoning episode I was in.  This is where I get shot in the head.  This episode alone got over 28,000 views!!


And here is the Behind The Scenes that I did for my vlog.




Now on to the main attraction.....


I'm in the beginning phases of getting my personal website made.  Guys, I'm finally doing this shit!!!!!!  This is scary and exciting for me.

It's scary because I feel like I've waited so long to finally do it and because I'm attempting to do stuff that hasn't been done before.

It's exciting because I've waited so long to finally do it and because I'm attempting to do stuff that hasn't been done before.

Know what I'm sayin?

Gotta be honest, there are moments......MOMENTS where I just want to be like, "Eh, let's forget the whole thing.  I'm good where I'm at.  No website, fine.  This torturous inner monologue about how I should stop procrastinating, I'll deal with it.  Even though I know I'll regret it, yes...I'm confirming to sign up for regret.  Sign me right up."

Bah hahahaha.  Is it just meeeeeee???

Yeah, just the thought of all the steps in between, and all the waiting in between.  Makes me want to yank my hair out already.  I have an impatient side and the control freak in me really wanted to work with a web designer based in LA.  Mine is based out of Brooklyn.  Ironic, yes?  Just the distance alone can make me feel antsy.  But, she's the one I want so I'm adjusting.  I've already thought of throwing in the towel before even starting.  There's pain in 'doing the work', and there's pain in not doing it.

Lesser of two evils, ladies and gentlemen.

Suffering seems to be in the cards no matter what.  To some degree.  Luckily, I get to choose how I want to suffer and for how long.

The payoff's in doing the work and getting the website finally done.  I know this because I've been suffering the pain of regret for some years now.  In Kundalini yoga, you learn to push through exercises even though your body is shaking and your mind is going bonkers....you learn to focus and stay in it until the end.  Pushing through is a muscle......literally and figuratively.  The more you work that muscle, the easier it gets to push through ANYTHING.

But, I also see why I didn't do it earlier.  I wasn't ready.  The stuff I want to incorporate now weren't even in my consciousness then.  I'm ready now.  I can feel it.  I see signs...you know me and signs. I've been seeing the number 4 a lot lately....A LOT.  Usually, whenever I look at the time it's 1:11 or 11:11, but for the past couple weeks.....4:44.  Spiritually speaking, this means my angels are around to help me initiate and follow through with my goals.  You see, I have divine help and still, I try to talk myself out of this.

Suffering is a part of the human condition and it's needed for growth.  (Of course, I'll probably write another post saying you don't need to suffer.....but, you know what I mean).  We just gotta learn How To Suffer.  When you 'suffer' for your work, you'll see it's not really suffering.  The suffering only is the beginning part...before you decide to start.  Once you decide and begin, the suffering changes to 'work'....and if anything, it starts to replenish you rather than deplete you of your energy.  That's what happens when you're working on behalf of your dreams....your dreams will start to carry you and whisk you to people, places, and things.    If you're gonna suffer, 'suffer' the work not the regret.  





Have a THRIVING week, peeps.


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"I Wanna Make It Raaaaiiiiin." Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 22-25.

God/Universe, is it possible to get paid to take selfies?  

#WhereTheresAWillTheresAWay

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week....

*  Last month I did a casting director workshop.



I did a workshop with Lisa Soltau.  She has her own office now!  Congrats Lisa!  She still works with Junie Lowry-Johnson on some projects.  Their office is known for True Blood, Big Love, Six Feet Under, Prison Break, and Desperate Housewives to name a few.  I don't know why I thought she was comedy when I had signed up.  Anyway, thank God she said during the Q and A that she would love to see comedy.  Phew.  Another great workshop....Lisa is also awesome.  Lisa loves postcards.


P.S.  My plan is to keep doing casting director workshops consistently for a year without complaining even if I don't book something.  At this point in my career, I believe it's really about getting 'out there' and being seen.  My fear can make me take the longer route with things and something tells me doing casting director workshops is a short cut for me.  It's time to trust my training and let go of the training wheels.




Now on to the main attraction.....


Do you remember my very first blog post four years ago?  It started with, "Girl, where you at?"


This is where I'm at these days.  I've got my entrepreneur hat on.

I think I'm a business person at heart.  I was raised by hard working small-business owners.

Do you know what I did when I started a new school in Kindergarten?  I asked my grandma for some money so I can buy cookies at school that day.  I got to school and during lunch, I bought a box of my favorite chocolate chip cookies.  They were really good and each one was ginormous.  Anyway, we were let out ( I make it sound like we're dogs or something) for recess and I walked around to the other kids and offered them a cookie if they wanted to be my friend.  Cute kid, huh?

Then another time, just before making the move out here, I decided to get my first set of headshots.  This was still back in New York.  I was fresh out of college and saved up some money from working retail throughout school.  It was going to cost me a whopping $600.  Yeah, I had money saved up but, all of a sudden, I didn't want to spend my money.  So, what did I do?  I went around and asked family members and close friends.  I asked them for a $100 each and to think of it as an investment.  Bah hahaha.  Balls, I tell you.  Well, they agreed.  I got my headshots and the money didn't even come out of my pocket.  Cute adolescent, huh?

I'm in the process of getting the ball rolling on some business ideas I've had for some time.  And because there's so much I want to do, the whole thing seems daunting at times.  I keep thinking, "What if I fail?  What if I just waste time and money?  What if people don't take me seriously if they see me fail?  What if I just decide to quit?  What if, what if, what if?!?!?!  OMG.  I'm scared.

But, I'm more scared of regretting.  I'm more scared of not blowing my own damn mind.  I'm more scared that my not trying will disappoint myself and my family.  Because there's something in me that burns.  That believes that if I don't give it my all, I WILL regret it because I know deep down, I am absolutely capable.  I've already come this far.  Those ballsy things I did, I can still do them.  It's still in me.  Even though I feel as though I've lost it or I have to earn it again.  No, they're in me always.  I try real hard to think back to those times and see if I felt fear at all like I do now.  Of course, I did.  I was afraid the other kids would say no and tell their friends to say no to me too.  I was afraid that my family and friends would say, 'I don't want to invest in you...this is a waste of $100."  

It's all very scary for me.  But, fear is suppose to be here.  I don't want to not have fear because it is useful in its own way.  It's showing me how much I want it....to live my life as I imagine it.  The trick is to move and keep moving through the fear.  I don't like the word fearless so much.  On the other hand, I love the word courageous.  Because it means to act in spite of fear.

So, one of the first steps for me right now is to get my own personal website up.  That's where I'll be mainly operating out of.  I have so many ideas for it because I'm trying to create a world in a world.  I'm also hiring a web designer because honestly, it's just worth it for me to pay a professional to do what I want to do to it.  This won't be your basic shit, is all I'm saying.   It will be my web home and I plan on making it lovely and badass.

Writing this declaration as a blog post is scary too.  Oh well...

Alex, I hope you come back to this post in the future and see how it all started.  I hope you're a millionaire....a billionaire one day, 'MAKIN IT RAIN' on the world.  Good luck.

I love pulling quotes from Instagram.

ADD VALUE

It's a paradigm shift, but it's true....the more you fail, the more you'll succeed.

  As artists, we must believe...and to make the unseen seen.  Think Big.  Dream Big.

Wayne Dyer said it perfectly, "I'm realistic, I expect miracles."

Have a THRIVING week, peeps.  I'm sending you a big ole high five.


Til next week....




with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"What Determines Your Destiny?" Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 21.

Hi.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  I have a Fan Club!  Thank you KpopCollege and your students for welcoming me into your family!!
Click Here to check out my Fan Club!

*  My friend Philipp is the writer and director of "Like You Mean It".  It's an intimate story between two men trying to fall back in love.  Waaahhhhhh, I hope they make it.  I love love stories.  Anyway, he's raising money on Indigogo to finish the film.  Please support if you can!  Here's the link to check out trailer and donate.

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/like-you-mean-it--2

*  If you reside in Texas, do you know about Explore Austin Mentoring Program?  My friend Ann is raising $2500 by this weekend so she can take 15 girls on a wilderness trip for three weeks!  That's crazy, Ann.  Good luck to ya!

Please support if you can!  Here's the link to donate.

https://rally.org/f/ipHFXre0OXm

Explore Austin’s mentoring program guides underserved youth on a 6-year (6th – 12th grade) journey to leadership. The year-round outdoor adventure curriculum imposes unique physical, emotional, and mental challenges, and adult mentors help translate these challenges into meaningful life lessons. The end results are young leaders of character, integrity and resilience who are prepared to succeed in life.

Now on to the main attraction....

First, here's a definition of destiny.

des·ti·ny

ˈdestinē/

noun

1. the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future.

   "she was unable to control her own destiny"

   • the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future; fate.

     "he believes in destiny"

     synonyms:

     future, fate, fortune, doom; More

Something I'd like to add:  these 'events that will necessarily happen' are the chain of events from the start point which is ALWAYS NOW.  Not from birth, your childhood, your past life, your future but, it starts NOW.  Just keep this in mind as you read on.

So, what determines your destiny?

Three words.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I think there are other factors at play too.  

For example:  pre-destined events and meetings; cosmically and astrologically speaking, you may have particular advantages or disadvantages in your chart; what was passed down to you from your parents and ancestors (both biologically and spiritually); etc..... 

These are basically your "It Is What It Is" stuff.  Depending on what you believe and what you do, you're on the course to a certain destiny.

Then, free will comes in.

Free will is choice.  Our decisions.  God/The Universe gave us the capability to use whatever man-power and god-power we can tap into and decide our own fate.  If we can master our mind and emotions, we can master our destiny. 

For example, I lived with cystic acne for the majority of my life.  It runs on my mom side of the family.  Growing up I would hear from so many adults (Korean), "Oh, how unfortunate that your pretty face is plagued with acne.  You see, God is a fair God.  You can't have it all.  Don't worry, it'll go away when you get married and start having kids."  

Guys, I believed this shit.  I really thought I would have to suffer acne til I got married and started having kids.  But then people started saying their acne got worse while pregnant.  WTF?!  Then, I thought, "Wait, how the hell am I gonna even find a husband with all this acne?!"  I felt hopeless.  There was nowhere for me to go.  Until I realized the only other option I have, since I have tried everything, is change my limiting belief.  From there, I started to make different decisions, which made me take different actions, which gave me different results.  I am now 3 years acne free, and going strong.  All naturally.  Holler.

Palm readers don't tell you this but, did you know that the lines on your hands can change over the course of time?  Well, as long as you change.  But, you get my point.  You're not fated to one kind of life.  You have the absolute power to change and or create your destiny.

You feel that personal power?

Decisions shape your destiny.

Honestly, decision-making is a skill.  Or listening to your heart is a skill.  It really is.  I'm gradually getting better at it.  I think one of the best things parents can do for their kids is to teach them how to make decisions....for themselves.  I didn't really grow up with that skill instilled in me, in fact, Korean parents are known to 'know what's best' for their kids.  Decisions were made for me and I became an angry little girl.  Can't you tell?  My sister and I have been parenting ourselves for a few years now, together.  Thank goodness for that gift.  We love our parents but, we still got issues with them.  I love you mom and dad.  :D  

And just like anything else, it takes practice.  You gotta keep making decisions, to get better at making decisions.  Me and my sister, we're putting in the work and practice....trust.

If you think about it, we're making decisions daily and sometimes we're not even aware of it.  Maybe rather than forcing ourselves to make more decisions, what if, if we just became conscious of the decisions we're already making?  You're going to find yourself making decisions throughout the day (for example, what time to get up, what to wear, what to eat, when to eat, how you interact with people, how you don't, your attitude while driving, how impeccable your words are, etc.....so, rather than trying to make many big decisions, just step back and look at all smaller decisions you're already making.  Where are they rooted from?  "How you do anything is how you do everything", and maybe it'll be insightful to see on a smaller scale where there is less judgment to 'do it right'.  

In the book, Awaken The Giant Within by Tony Robbins, our decisions are rooted from our emotions.  Btw, this book is a GAME-CHANGER.  Our emotions are what drives us to make decisions.  What emotions are driving you to make decisions?  Is it gratitude?  Is it guilt?  Is it kindness?  Is it power?  Is it humility?  Is it low self-esteem?  Is it to serve?  Is it to be served?  Is it from love or is it from fear?  Basically everything we do boils down to two things.....we make choices to either avoid PAIN or create PLEASURE.

That's human nature.....and we're that simple.  We will make choices to either avoid PAIN or create PLEASURE.  Omg.  Mind freaking BLOWWWWN.  Whichever wins out for you, you will choose.  

For example, let's say you want to quit smoking cigarettes.  The idea of not smoking creates pleasure.  You won't feel like a slave to something, you won't have to hear people telling you you're killing yourself with cancer stick, you'll feel like you can breathe easier, you feel good about working out, you save money, blah blah blah.  But, the idea of not smoking also brings up fear...fear of change, loss, uncertainty.  It's gonna suck not to smoke and talk on the phone, not to smoke and drive, not to smoke and drink, not to smoke when pissed, not to smoke after sex, not to smoke in the morning, not to smoke after eating, blah blah blah.  If pain wins over pleasure, you will continue smoking.  And vice versa, if you are so fed up with smoking and your body is fed up with it too, the pain of indulging in it will not be worth it and not wanting to smoke will win over.  

Then to take it one step further back, your emotions are driven by your beliefs.

Think about why there are wars, why people fight, why the disconnects happen in the world .  Beliefs.  

Some of us will die for our beliefs.  That's how powerful beliefs are.  

Your beliefs are the cause for your emotions, and your emotions are the cause for your decisions, and your decisions are the cause for your destiny.     

Decisions shape your destiny.  Actually, it's really your BELIEFS or LIMITING BELIEFS that shape your destiny.  Not your karma (speaking of karma, karma is just energetic memories and soul contracts...once the lesson is learned, karma is cleansed and released), not your natal chart, not numerology, not your palms, not superstitions, not your agents, not your manager, not casting directors, not your mother, not your father, not your husband, not your wife, not your dog, not your iPhone, not Facebook, not what somebody said about you, not what somebody didn't say about you, etc.....  Ok, maybe it'll put a dent in your day, week, month, or year....but, ultimately, your destiny is in your hands.  

Woof, that sounds like the most exciting thing and the scariest thing all at once, yes?

Actually, that's good.  That means I'm alive.  And I'm about to make a decision.

**  Feel free to comment and let me know your thoughts.

Have a THRIVING weeks, peeps.

with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex