Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week....
* Last two days of 2014!!! I wanted to get one last post in before the year is gone. Ladies and gents, we made it through another year. Thank God and Thank you!! Happy New Year to you and your fam! I'll see you all on the flip side. :)
Oh yeah, and I saw this on Insta and the caption said, "Time flies when you stay exactly the same." Bah hahahahaha!!
* Woo hoo!! I just got another callback for a commercial while writing. This one's another big one. Wish me luck.
Now on to the main attraction......
I went into the hospital again.
This time for coughing up blood.
I know I have a flair for drama, but going into emergency twice in three months seem more like crazy wake-up calls, don't you think?
You know I manifested this, right? For the post about the first time I went to the hospital, click here. Since then, I have quit smoking cigarettes after smoking for 20 years. I knew something had to give for me to quit smoking cigarettes. Something had to scare the shit out of me. I no longer wanted cigarettes to be a part of my life and my future, but I just didn't know if it was possible. So, I manifested getting admitted into emergency. But, you know what else I manifested too? The Kerry Gaynor Method which helped me quit cold turkey and now it's been over 2 months.
Cut to: 4 am this morning. I woke up coughing all of a sudden as if I had a cold and needed to get some mucous/phlegm out. I kept coughing and coughing, but no phlegm....just felt like water in my mouth. I thought it was a little strange, but being that it was 4 am, still super dark, my brain wasn't even up yet, and I just wanted to fall back asleep. But I couldn't. Because the coughing wouldn't stop. Finally, I just got up to go the bathroom to spit out the 'water'. I turn on the light, go to the sink, get a good cough, and spit. Blood. Straight up RED RED RED BLOOD. And this wasn't the kind of blood that you see because your gums are bleeding or you bit your tongue by accident....this was as if I was gargling with blood. Blood all up in my mouth, coating my teeth and tongue.
What the fuck? Is this mine? I coughed again and spit, coughed again and spit, coughed again and spit to make sure. It's fucking my blood. It's coming from inside of me. This is me bleeding. This was scaring me even more because I didn't see a cut, an open wound anywhere, I wasn't feeling pain. The blood wasn't coming from anywhere in my mouth, it was coming from inside....deep down inside of me.
I woke up my roommate again. This is now the second time I'm waking her ass up to tell her, "Yo, I think I'm dying. You think you can take me the hospital?" Oh God, just typing this up makes me laugh.....because if comedy is tragedy plus time....well, then let's fucking laugh about this shit. I know she loves me and all, but I'm sure she wanted to strangle a bitch. Ash, thank you for saving my life, yet again. I can't give you Bells, but I can give you my third born. :)
Unlike the first time, I was in and out. Granted I gave them attitude because I was fricking scared and it felt like forever before someone came to get me, but I have to say, Olympia Medical on Olympic Blvd....I LOVE THEM. All the nurses and only one Doctor.....Doctor Wu. The other doctors can suck my _______ but, Doctor Wu was awesome. Got checked out, took an x-ray, turns out my blood vessel(s) popped in my throat somewhere. Huh? Who freaking knew there were blood vessels in your throat? All my life, people have been saying that if you cough up blood then you're in some deep shit. I thought I was in deep shit. Let's just say I smoke more than your average and I like taking good hard and long bong rips or smoking blunts. Shit's gotta hurt the throat or it's a waste. That's why I was so scared....I thought this was it for me and I did it to myself. I was literally preparing myself mentally for things I couldn't control.
Did you know that lung cancer happens like that? You can be a smoker and be fine and then bam, all of a sudden you cough up blood, go to the hospital, and the doctor tells you "Sorry, you have six months to live." There are no symptoms with lung cancer. The symptom is your cancer. That's it. When you smoke, you're gambling your life. You really are. And when I was a smoker I thought, "Yeah, well, I ain't dead yet." The truth is, it's not the last puff that's going to kill me, it's the next one. Just because "I'm still here" doesn't mean I'm still going to be. I've dealt with consequences in the past because I was 'too late'. with certain things. You know what it's like to not pay your bills on time. :D While I can, I am. I didn't know how much I wanted to live until it could have been taken away from me. Life is precious.
So, I asked for this....again. Just like I did the first time. And God always listens and delivers.
Honestly, I know I can't run my business like this....as a stoner. I'm laughing at myself right now. because it sounds so sad and funny, but it's the Truth. And I have been smoking pot more lately because I'm so stressed about my website and E-Commerce. I had this romantic idea that if Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, and other Hollywood stoners can do it, I can do it too. Right now I'm even entertaining the idea that maybe if I just cut down, maybe if I just don't wake and bake then I'll get more stuff done and I'll be happier. LIES. Truth is, there is no cutting down for me. One hit automatically becomes 20 hits and the devil's got me for the day....I am his. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like feeling powerless to something. I gave pot my power, now I'm taking it back. I'm not my best when I'm stoned. I'm not even half of me. It's a dark dark place and I chose to go there every day. My job is to feel...to feel it all, think about it all, and then express it all. Smoking makes me doubt myself, underestimate myself, loathe myself. Smoking keeps me away from my dreams. This is slow suicide. I will not go like this.
Because of The Kerry Gaynor Method though, I don't believe in addictions anymore. Hallelujah. This alone is a huge paradigm shift. You know that saying, "once you're an addict, always an addict"? Yeah, no. It's not about addiction, it's about belief. I believe in the power of self-healing through self-love. I believe in mastering your own mind so you don't become a servant to it. I believe there's help and hope if you want it and seek it out. The fact that I am free of cystic acne, all freaking naturally and holistically, taught me that once you shatter your old belief, you can create a whole new paradigm for yourself and you will see it in the physical world if you need to 'see proof'. I see proof every day when I look in the mirror and see how clear my face is....even without make-up. I'm in my thirties and I barely wear make-up now unless I have to. I mean, I'll fill in my eyebrows and throw on mascara and lipstick but, foundation and concealers? No, thank you. If I have to wear make-up, I stick to BB creams or tinted moisturizers. This may not sound like a big deal to some, but for me...HUGE.
I feel like I'm slowly but surely peeling off one layer at a time to discover who the hell I really am. This is my path. This is my journey. I don't do things perfectly, but this the trajectory of my life.....to create the life I want, and I plan on doing this with one self-caring, self-loving thing at a time.
My goal, not just for 2015, but for life is to perform at my optimal and see what I'm really capable of. Because I'm capable of great things. Ever since I was a little girl, I thought I was special. And I had magical powers. My relationship with God goes way back and I always felt like I was his favorite, and it was our secret. I lost that feeling for a while but, it's coming back. Actually, I'm summoning it back to me. Yes, go with the flow and all of that, but, be PROactive too. Tell Life what it is you want, don't want, and take no shit. I am going to create the life I imagine for myself. I'm already doing it. 2015, I can't wait to see what we are going to do together.
I've been writing things down feverishly. This is a stack of index cards full of ideas, missions, visions, goals, quotes, one-liners, symbols for my art and career. I have no excuse for 2015. I have enough ideas, and I have more time and energy.
So, here's a little something to cigs and weed. I know Mastin, the founder of one of my favorite blogs of all time, The Daily Love, wrote a little goodbye letter to his addiction, sugar. I'm going to write one to mine.
Dear Cigs and Mary J.
It's been a wild ride, guys. You guys have been there for me when I needed you most. Thank you.
Cigs, you were there for me since I was 12. We had so much fun, didn't we? Always cutting school and hiding out at pool halls and smoking a shit ton. How cool you made me look. How cool you made me feel. I even believed I smelled cool. And you always knew how to keep me company too, like when I was on the phone, when I was driving, when I was waiting, when I was bored, when I was writing....I could always count on you. You even took my father's place when he and my mother separated. He was a smoker as long as I could remember so by my smoking, I still had a piece of him with me. So, thank you for that.
Mary J, you've been there for me for 10 years now. Wow. I can't believe I've had longer relationships with you and cigs than I've had with people. Our relationship started when I moved out here and the sticky icky got me. Hahaha. Not really. A boy did and he was pothead. We became very close and when we broke up, I took you on just like I did with my cigs when my father left. You've also kept me company, but you also provided me with the ability to numb things out when it needed to be. There were times where my heart couldn't handle certain things and I felt like I didn't know what to do, and you helped me get through them. I am so grateful to you.
But, things have changed. You're not helping anymore. Not for nothing, but cigs and weed, you're killing me. And the fact that I've been in the hospital now twice in three months, I can't ignore this anymore. It's funny how you started out as my savior and now you're the one who's killing me. I'm shutting you down. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry. You almost tried to kill me twice, you fuckers. I loved you once but, you gotta get the fuck out of my life now. I sending you off with love though. And I really am so grateful to you for bringing me this far. Because, to give you some credit, I couldn't have done it without you. But, the truth is, I can now. I got this now. I have healthy tools in my life now like meditating and kundalini to get me through tough and scary times. I'm gonna be fine.
So, my dear cigs and weed....I won't miss you. I hope you won't miss me either. It was a great freaking ride. I'll always have a special place in my heart for you, but this is where we say goodbye.
with gratitude,
x Alex
Having a THRIVING week, peeps.
with MAAAD LOVE,
x Alex
