Dang, I gotta read more Bukowski.
Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week.....
* Going into rehearsals next week for a web-series I'm shooting next month. This is the one where I get to do my Hispanic accent. I need to hang with my mami's for some inspiration. Keep you posted.
* And thanks to my friend, Mo, I'll be shooting another project end of this month. Yaaay! Thank you, Mo!
Now on to the main attraction.....
I may have gone mad a tad. But, I think I'm back.
Time. Boredom. They are the death of me.
I'm busy but, I have time to be bored. Because I'm not being productive.
And when I'm not productive and creative in my mind's eyes, my emotions get the best of me. My emotions literally run the show. Me, irrational? Do I look like I give a sh*t?
Truth is, I give too much sh*t about everything. Either I care too much or not at all. All or nothing. I'm always trying to find the 'happy medium', the place of balance......and frankly, I'm sick of it right now. All or nothing?!!! It is what it is.
This is my madness. I become inwardly sensitive, I become inwardly dramatic, I become real quiet until someone breathes on me and then I snap. I become my emotions.
I saw a quote that said, "Wake up with determination. Go to bed with satisfaction."
Yeah, ok.
In theory, it's wonderful. Who wouldn't want that? In reality, I wake up feeling defeated and I want to go back to bed because I've given up on the day.
Why do I want so many things? Why do I want to do so many things? Then I'm faced with the fact that, I don't have these things....I don't do these things.
The discrepancy kills my Soul.
I'm feeling a bit better than last week. My creative juices are slowly but surely flowing again. God's grace. I've been praying and meditating for help.
God/The Universe is sending signs again. Or, maybe I'm just listening now.
I believe God/The Universe is always giving us signs, direction, and guidance.
I only see it, hear it when I've exhausted every part of myself and I have nowhere else to turn. When I give up trying, when I surrender to life, God takes over.
So, back to the discrepancy that's killing my Soul......
The thing is, I don't go down without a fight.
I'm fighting. I'm fighting my way through all this self-doubt shit that's trying to bury me. I wake up no matter how shitty I'm feeling. I still gotta feed my dog. I still gotta make some phone calls. I still gotta send out emails. I still gotta eat. I still gotta drink water. I still gotta go to this audition. I still gotta write. I still gotta go to class. I still gotta stay afloat somehow. So, I'll throw on some make-up, pull my hair back, put on my fine ass Prada sunglasses, and face the world again.
That's all I can do. For now. Because I know something. Even though this feels permanent, it's not. I'm gonna feel passion moving me again. I'm gonna wake up feeling determined. I'm gonna go to bed feeling satisfied. I know this. I believe this. This shitty feeling isn't forever. So, with that, I'm gonna smile again and keep it moving......even through my madness. It's kind of fun, now that I think about it.......you know why? Because with madness, there's genius on the other side. I must be a genius.
P.S. I have the most amazing man in my life. I don't think I'm the easiest human in the world to deal with; especially when I'm not being nice to myself. All I do is smoke and nag...like an old lady curmudgeon. I was always so afraid to show my madness to people for fear that they would leave me. My madness doesn't seem to scare him. And believe me, I've tried many times already to sabotage this. My old tricks don't work with him. I think he's here to stay. I'm lucky. Thank you, Christopher.
One week after another. Don't know how your madness looks like but, have fun with it. You're just mad because you're really genius. Wishing you all a THRIVING week, peeps.
And I love this song. "Madness" by Muse.
with MAAAAAD LOVE,
x Alex
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