"Onward And Upward". Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 17.

Cammy Kinney Photography

  

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  I received another residual check for Criminal Minds.  This one has been the biggest one yet.  It almost covers my next rent!!

  A few posts back, I wrote about the book, The Instant Millionaire.  I'm learning about the wealth mentality, peeps.  And I asked God/The Universe, "When am I getting my next check?  It would be nice to get one soon."  The check came in the mail the next day.  No joke.



Now on to the main attraction.....




Strange things have been happening.

The last two projects I booked, fell through.

I book it and then I don't end up shooting.



First

A friend of a friend contacts me for a feature she's producing.  I get the audition.  I decline due to schedule conflicts.  Plus, when I got the sides, no lines...pretty much a featured extra.  Two weeks later, I get contacted by the producer via email and text that the director would really like me to audition and if it's possible, to put myself on tape.  Sides have been emailed.  I check.  Lines.  And I was available for the shoot dates.  Perfect.  I put myself on tape and emailed that baby out.  The director loves me and they definitely want to cast me.  Since I read for 5 different roles, they said they would let me know after they decide which role to cast me as.  Next day I hear back that they want to actually write in a part for me but, they have to check with budgeting.  Day after, I get a text message that they're still working on it.  The day after that, I hear back again that they couldn't get the budget for it AND I no longer have the part(s) I originally auditioned for.  They apologized and thanked me abundantly.  And I do believe that they tried but, it just wasn't meant to work out.  I wish them a great shoot.



Second

I book a web-series.  But first, cut to:  callback.  I get to the callback and find out that there is no callback.  I wasn't notified.  But, the good news is I booked the part.  I call my manager as soon as I get out and find out that it doesn't pay.  Hmmmm.  As you know I made a promise to myself about two years ago to no longer take jobs that don't pay (self-worth and self-esteem related).  I've stuck to my guns and I have been paid for EVERY SINGLE job.  But, here's the thing...I've had to turn down jobs.  As scary as it was, I had to learn to start saying NO to working for free.  I knew my manager understood but, I thought I could just give a little.  So, I took the job, thinking "at least the role is fun and I get my copy for my new reel."  I also made sure they promised to give me my copy.  So, onward and upward.  Rehearsal dates and shoot dates kept changing and it's been difficult to coordinate an ensemble casts schedule.  I understand.  However, the last two rehearsals, I showed up to, were canceled.  I never got the memo.  After the first time, I made sure to ask to have the email resent to me just in case it had info about the next rehearsal.  They confirmed they would.  Again, I never got the memo.  Three times I showed up to a canceled event.  It wasn't about me learning my lesson, now it was about professionalism and work ethic.  I wrote them a sincere email pulling out of the project.  They apologized abundantly as well but, there's really nothing much to be said or done.   I just don't think it was meant to be, that's all.  I wish them a great shoot.


Actually, something similar happened with a commercial too.  The casting director calls me directly (which normally does not happen because casting directors don't call talent unless you're not represented) and pretty much says you got it, we just gotta figure out which role to cast you as.  Then, nothing.  So, that's three.  Weird, right?!


Would you be mad?  I'm not.  I'm just perplexed.

I feel strangely detached from them.  It is what it is.  I'm just wondering if there's a reason for them.  Because there's a pattern, yes?

I am feeling excited though.  Because I know how Life works.  Cycles.  I feel a new cycle in the horizon.  I feel new opportunities coming.  I'm also doing my part to create new opportunities.  Maybe that's why I'm not pissed.  Like there's this intuitive knowing that this is actually ALL GOOD.  These NO's are YES's to shit that's meant for me.  And when you crash into something or someone you're meant to, Life feels good, fun, easy, and magical.
I've been meditating with Oprah and Deepak....I think meditating's really good for me.

What's interesting is that this whole year, I feel like I've been creatively blocked, which shut me down in other ways too.  Maybe that's why those didn't work out.  I'm feeling less blocked these days.  That's all that matters because I know when I start feeling better, everything else gets better.  I feel like I'm waking up again.  Ha!  Yup, Spring's here.  :)



Let's see how Life unfolds for you and me next week.

Have a muddafuggin THRIVING week, peeps!



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"How To Get UNstuck". Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 16.

I feel like I just slayed my dragon for the day.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  My prayers to the families of those missing from the South Korean shipwreck.



Now on to the main attraction....


This blog was and still is influenced by The Daily Love blog.  Mastin Kipp, the founder is a distant mentor of some kind.  He doesn't know this but, he is.  I've been reading The Daily Love every day for about 4 years now.  Helped shift my life in many ways.  I became a blogger myself, I became a student of Kundalini yoga, and I learned how to really love myself.  Game-changers.

Personal work is work.  There's no thinking your way into your desired outcome.  You have to work for it.

I've been on my journey of growth and it's time to take another step.  I feel it.  I know because I'm feeling stuck.

And I was just about to beat myself up for getting stuck again.  Why do I keep getting unstuck then stuck again, unstuck then stuck again?

That's Life.  Get stuck, get unstuck, get stuck, get unstuck.

So, how to get unstuck?

I'm so excited because Mastin and The Daily Love has put together a series of training videos to help with just that.  I've been meaning to do private coaching with him but, it's just one of those things I have been putting off.  And also because I knew it would be costly.  Well, the videos are like private sessions with him.  Yaay!

I signed up and already finished watching the first video.
Click Here for video.

I took some quick notes.  I'll share them with you.  Definitely sign up and watch the videos for yourself because you may get different things out of it.  They're free.  And do the work.  Remember, we have to put in the work.


What I got out of Daily Love Mastery Video 1.

Mastin talks about 4 Core Elements Of Massive Progress.  These are the foundation of his success.


MENTORING
Elite mentoring.  Quality of your mentors are important.
Surround yourself with mentors who have produced the results you want.
Honestly, who are you taking advice from?  Friends, family?  Have they produced what you would like to produce?


PHYSICAL ENERGY
Cleanse the body.
Energy is life.
Change starts with thoughts, but it's hard to think good-feeling thoughts when your body is tired.  Get your body feeling good first.
When your biochemistry is in alignment, everything changes.
How to change your biochemistry starting today?  Right now?
1.  Eliminate or at least cut down as much as you can on processed sugar.
2.  More green stuff.  Veggies.  Alkaline.
3.  Get an actual 8-10 hours of sleep.  Make sleep a priority.
4.  Move your body every single day.  Anything that gets your body moving.  Moving your body for 30 minutes a day for 4 days a week will help massively.

Physically changing your body is a massive game-changer.


EMOTIONAL HONESTY
Tell the truth.  Actually share what you think and feel.
Don't be emotionally modest.
How do you want to live?  Feel?
NO emotional constipation.
Having an intelligent conversation about how you feel is liberating.
Telling the truth is an incredible anti-depressant.


COURAGEOUS ACTION
What is courage?  It's doing something even though you're afraid.
When something big is about to happen, we are asked to make a choice that terrifies us.
What choices are you scared to make that you know, if you're honest with yourself, you have to make?
For example, Is it time to leave the relationship?  Is it time to say I love you?  Is it time to start writing that screenplay?  Is it time to sign up for casting director workshops?  Is it time to finally get my butt into the gym?  Is it time to get myself into a 12-step?  Is it time to as
So, what happens once you take that courageous step?  Take more courageous actions, then more, then more.
Your courage muscle has to get pumped.
If you look back to all those moments just before the 'big' moments....like right before a kiss, right before you started a new job, a new school, right before a first date, etc.....there's anxiety AND excitement.
Anxiety and excitement are very closely.  The reason why so many people get stuck is because they're not making choices that scare them.  They stay in their certainty...their comfort zone.




So, there.  I hope you start today, now....I am.  I have.  Just pick one out of the 4.  You don't have to master all four together.  Just one at a time.

Again, Click Here for the video.

From my experience, everything starts with Physical Energy.  No matter what area I want to get UNstuck in, I begin with moving my body and moving the energies around inside of me....because the outsides will align.  This is where I'm beginning.  Moving my body for at least 30 minutes a day and recognizing and nurturing the ways that give me more natural energy rather than depleting me of them.  For example, web-surfing for too long, regretting and replaying conversations in my head, just talking about what I want to do without taking action for too long, smoking, etc.....these make me feel like I'm giving up my power and I lose energy.  But, it takes a little bit of progress to feel empowered and energized again.  Tony Robbins says, "Progress equals Happiness."  I agree.  Just a little progress here, a little progress there, gives you the emotional drive to keep going.

I'm not trying to do anything perfectly (I'll give it a go though), I'm just trying to make some damn progress, peeps.

Here's to Progress!


Wishing you all another THRIVING week.



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes." Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 15.

Dang, I gotta read more Bukowski.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  Going into rehearsals next week for a web-series I'm shooting next month.  This is the one where I get to do my Hispanic accent.  I need to hang with my mami's for some inspiration.  Keep you posted.

*  And thanks to my friend, Mo, I'll be shooting another project end of this month.  Yaaay!  Thank you, Mo!




Now on to the main attraction.....


I may have gone mad a tad.  But, I think I'm back.

Time.  Boredom.  They are the death of me.

I'm busy but, I have time to be bored.  Because I'm not being productive.

And when I'm not productive and creative in my mind's eyes, my emotions get the best of me.  My emotions literally run the show.  Me, irrational?  Do I look like I give a sh*t?

Truth is, I give too much sh*t about everything.  Either I care too much or not at all.  All or nothing.  I'm always trying to find the 'happy medium', the place of balance......and frankly, I'm sick of it right now.  All or nothing?!!!  It is what it is.

This is my madness.  I become inwardly sensitive, I become inwardly dramatic, I become real quiet until someone breathes on me and then I snap.  I become my emotions.

I saw a quote that said, "Wake up with determination.  Go to bed with satisfaction."

Yeah, ok.

In theory, it's wonderful.  Who wouldn't want that?  In reality, I wake up feeling defeated and I want to go back to bed because I've given up on the day.

Why do I want so many things?  Why do I want to do so many things?  Then I'm faced with the fact that, I don't have these things....I don't do these things.

The discrepancy kills my Soul.

I'm feeling a bit better than last week.  My creative juices are slowly but surely flowing again.  God's grace.  I've been praying and meditating for help.

God/The Universe is sending signs again.  Or, maybe I'm just listening now.

I believe God/The Universe is always giving us signs, direction, and guidance.

I only see it, hear it when I've exhausted every part of myself and I have nowhere else to turn.  When I give up trying, when I surrender to life, God takes over.

So, back to the discrepancy that's killing my Soul......

The thing is, I don't go down without a fight.

I'm fighting.  I'm fighting my way through all this self-doubt shit that's trying to bury me.  I wake up no matter how shitty I'm feeling.  I still gotta feed my dog.  I still gotta make some phone calls.  I still gotta send out emails.  I still gotta eat.  I still gotta drink water.  I still gotta go to this audition.  I still gotta write.  I still gotta go to class.  I still gotta stay afloat somehow.  So, I'll throw on some make-up, pull my hair back, put on my fine ass Prada sunglasses, and face the world again.

That's all I can do.  For now.  Because I know something.  Even though this feels permanent, it's not.  I'm gonna feel passion moving me again.  I'm gonna wake up feeling determined.  I'm gonna go to bed feeling satisfied.  I know this.  I believe this.  This shitty feeling isn't forever.  So, with that, I'm gonna smile again and keep it moving......even through my madness.  It's kind of fun, now that I think about it.......you know why?  Because with madness, there's genius on the other side.  I must be a genius.


P.S.  I have the most amazing man in my life.  I don't think I'm the easiest human in the world to deal with; especially when I'm not being nice to myself.  All I do is smoke and nag...like an old lady curmudgeon.  I was always so afraid to show my madness to people for fear that they would leave me.  My madness doesn't seem to scare him.  And believe me, I've tried many times already to sabotage this.  My old tricks don't work with him.  I think he's here to stay.  I'm lucky.  Thank you, Christopher.



One week after another.  Don't know how your madness looks like but, have fun with it.  You're just mad because you're really genius.  Wishing you all a THRIVING week, peeps.


And I love this song.  "Madness" by Muse.





with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Helluva Long Day". Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 13 and 14

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week...




Now on to the main attraction....


I've been feeling creatively blocked.  I don't feel inspired.  I don't feel inspiring.  I don't have the drive in me.  And the thought of, "What if it never comes back?" is scary.  Of course, it'll come back but, it feels permanent.  I'm going through my days like a shell of a human.  Even revealing this is embarrassing that I wanted to skip another week of posting.

So, I wrote a poem.  Doesn't necessarily rhyme but, it's a poem.  Not sure if it's cohesive, but it flowed out of me rather easily so, I guess this is what I'm offering this week.





Helluva Long Day


Feeling pretty shitty these days.

My insides are a mess.

I hate myself today.  

Actually, not yet.  I don't quite hate myself just yet.

I wonder what time I'll start today.

Most days, it doesn't kick in until about 5pm, but it's been happening earlier and earlier.

My body hurts.  My mind is alert.  Too alert.

It's war.  It's hell.

It's only 8 am.

Fuck.  

We just want to become one.  The body, the mind...we just want to become one.

(inhale)

That's better.

No wait.

(inhale)

That's better.

No wait.

(inhale)
(inhale)
(inhale)

I have nowhere to go now.  

The highs just take me lower.

I can't breathe.

I come up for air.

The air feels nice.  It feels clean.

I enjoy the air.  

And I think the air enjoys me.

Peace.

Grace.

It's only 8:01 am now.

This is going to be one helluva long day.








Anyways, wishing you all a THRIVING week, peeps.  Send some good creative jujus my way please.  :)



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex