"Thank You But, No Thank You." Television, Here I Come...Again! Week 2.

I drew that heart on my finger. 

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  SAVE THE DATE!  February 2nd, Sunday, I will be performing LIVE at Bar Lubistch for SUNDAY NIGHT SEX TALKS again!!  I'm getting nervous and excited.  You all know about my stage fright.  :/

*  By next post, I'll have signed up for some casting director workshops.  I gotta plug it into my calendar before I'm ready.   Keep you posted which ones I sign up for.




Now on to the main attraction.....


I have all my reps in place and I'm going out more.  It's great but, the more I go out, I see that I don't want some of them.

It's actually scary when I don't want something.  I think, "Oh dear, do I NOT want this?  Why?  Who do you think you are?  You're suppose to take whatever you can get.  You never know where this will lead.  You're suppose to SEIZE EVERY OPPORTUNITY!!"

I think whoever made that one up forgot, 'Seize Every Opportunity ONLY IF YOU WANT TO'.

Seriously, what is the point of pursuing something if your heart is not invested??  It's like dating somebody for the sake of dating?  You know this isn't going anywhere...you know you guys have nothing in common...you know you're not even that attracted to him............whyyyyy are you doing this?????

I've lived a chunk of my life seizing shit I didn't want to seize because it would make others around me happy.  I can't do that shit no more.  How about you make yourself happy and I make myself happy?  Let's just worry about our own damn selves.

Hahaha, which reminds me of a guy I dated, Bryan.  Bryan, if you're reading this, hi!  Anyways, Bryan and I would say to each other, "You're never responsible for my happiness.  That's my job."

I'm doing my job.   I'm invested in my happiness and what my heart wants.

But, what the hell does my heart want?

My heart's a lil rusty when it comes to differentiating what I really want vs.  what I think I want.  It takes practice knowing what you want.  It seems so simple but, it's not....at first.  I believe it will get so much easier.

But, it's like learning to walk again.  My heart is re-learning how to communicate, process, and heal.  My heart is learning to be its own heart.  Being constantly told as a child, "You're too young.  You don't know anything.  I know what's best for you."

Woof.  Made me a very very angry little girl.

I'm starting fresh every day.  Who the hell knows what I want today?  The only thing I can do is check in with my heart each day, moment to moment.

All I know is, I'm sick of pushing myself to do things I don't want to do.  Plain and simple.

People will have their opinions.  People already have opinions.

I'm sick of worrying about opinions too.

I don't know what kind of persona I'll be reinventing myself as this year.  It feels like I'm kind of morphing into Kanye West and Nicki Minaj, privately.  I listen to their music and pump my head up.  Maybe all that cockiness is rubbing off on me and this year, I'm gonna talk maaaad shit.  Hahaha.  The thought of that makes me laugh.

Actually, I'm laughing.  Maniacally.

And actually, it feels liberating.

Oh, I don't know, guys.

What the hell are we all doing anyway?

Why do we get up in the mornings?  To prove something?  To whom?

Where my chai latte at?

I'm in my head already.

Getting out of it so I can get some stuff done.

Anyways,

It's a trap if you believe artists should just take any work that comes their way.  I don't believe that at all.  Yes, you gotta pay your dues but, you don't have to force anything.  I believe that I work hard on my craft.  And because I do, I know where I can use more experience and knowledge.  I'll be the judge of where I pay my dues.  I believe that I do have something specific and unique to me.  And it's my right as the artist and talent to choose where I want to showcase that.

So, that's where I'm at right now.

Being ok with the fact that I don't want every job.  Saying "Thank you but, no thank you."  It seems so counterintuitive to not want something but, that helps me see what I DO want.  And go after that.....wholeHEARTedly.  There's nothing like the power that comes from you when you and your heart are on the same page.



Have a THRIVING week, peeps.



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex