Wear My Heart On My Sleeve, OR Wear The Pants? Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 40

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

Now on to the main attraction.....



I thought I wore my heart on my sleeves.  Not very comfortable.

What's comfortable is to wear the pants in the relationship.

Do I like it?  No.

So, why do I keep doing it?

Because I'm scared shitless to fall in love.

I rarely talk about my love life now, Dear Diary.  I believe in keeping some things private for my sanity but, writing this out is my sanity right now.

Remember, Dear Diary?  It's actually the ONLY thing I used to write about when I was a little girl.  I wrote in my Hello Kitty journal (it had a little lock on it) every night before going to bed.

"I really like this boy", "I think he likes me back", "He asked me out", "He held my hand tonight", "I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time", "I remember exactly what he said", "He is so funny", "He's so smart", "He is so good-looking", "I think I love him", "I think I want to marry him", etc...

I prayed and waited for a boy (David), for 3 years when I was in junior high.  Once I laid eyes on him, my heart was set.  No other boy could even compare to him.  I prayed to God saying, "God, just make him my boyfriend please.  And I'll accept all the consequences......like even if he breaks my heart, I'll never ever blame you.  I can handle it."  God did answer my prayers and we dated for 2 years.

That's me wearing my heart on my sleeves.  And that's me, fearless.

I know that girl in me still exists.  I just can't find her right now.  She comes out and then hides.  She's petrified to feel pain and loss again.

I've had my fair share of loving someone and being loved since then.  And heartbreaks happened again.  But, you kind of get used to it.  It doesn't hit you as hard as it used to.

Because I chose the men carefully......logically.....practically.....

Men that were safe.

That's me wearing the pants.

I've learned and am still learning how to be ok living in the unknown with my career.  I'm learning to still show up, take action, and let go of things if need be.  I'm getting better with this.  I feel like I'm an evolved being.  I've learned a lot about emotional intelligence through my art and craft as an actress and blogger.

I'm no longer choosing men that are safe.  I'm choosing men that make me want to wear my heart on my sleeve.

And that really scares the shit out of me.

I feel like I'm learning to walk again.  I feel like everything I've learned about love, self-love, compassion, understanding, expectations, and emotional intelligence is going right out the window.  I feel like I'm losing control.

To not have control is scary for me.  Love isn't the scary part....it's the 'not having control'.  To not know what exactly is happening, when it's going to happen, how it's going to happen.

But, control is Ego.

My Ego is afraid to get its heart broken again.  My Ego is afraid to get vulnerable with someone.  My Ego is afraid to give first.  My Ego is afraid to receive when it comes.  My Ego is afraid to get intimate with someone.  My Ego is NOT helping right now.

I don't have control over LOVE.  And I don't want to.

I want to be woken up, shaken up, guided, and moved by LOVE.

I want to experience what Life has in store for me in the form of surprises, synchronicities, coincidences, and magic.

You know what?  I'm actually doing this.  I'm in it.....in the midst of a bunch of "I don't know's".  To know and be love is to be just fine in the unknown, with patience and no expectations.  Enjoy the ride, Alex.  Live for today.  Live for this hour.  Live for this minute.  Live for this moment.

It's ok to be scared.  You're in uncharted territory.

And you're scared because it means so much to you.


Everything will alllllll fallllllll into place, little girl.  Let me know how you're feeling next week.  :)





with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex