Did you know I'm a total in-the-closet clown?
Photo by Cammy Kinney Photography
Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design
Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week.....
* A Thank You shout out to Katharine Chin for subscribing! Thank you lady!!
* Last week I went to Lesly Kahn's Triage, which is like her orientation. I got into her master comedy intensive. I'm starting this week. It's a total of three classes but, it's mandatory that we get together with our classmates EVERY DAY for three weeks for rehearsals. It's intense, alright. I'm excited and nervous. I'll keep you posted. Just FYI, Lesly is awesome. She's definitely my kind of teacher.
* Have you seen my new Facebook cover photo? My 'brand' is official. And thank you to my dear and talented friends for helping me out! The lipstick 'I' is my friend Loren's brilliant idea. So me. :D
Photo by Cammy Kinney Photography
Make-up by Gabriel Perez
Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design
Graphics by Loren Kling
* Do you know about Bitstrips? I am obsessed with this app. You can make your own comics. Only annoying thing is that you can only do it through Facebook. But the other cool thing is, if you and your friends are signed up, you can all add each other to comics. I feel like a kid again! So cute and so fun!
Here's my first one. Isn't my avatar awesome?
Caption for this read: Alex woke up with some gnarly dreams and the meanings became crystal clear. Alex sees all the patterns now.
Now on to the main attraction.....
"Worthiness, in very simple terms, means I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting."
- Esther Hicks
I have two stories for you.
Story 1
"Recession 101: Self-worth beats net-worth".
I saw this on a billboard just before quitting the last 'day job' I had. Almost three years ago.
I was working as a server at a hip and cool restaurant in WeHo (West Hollywood). I lasted three months. I and my Soul could not take it anymore.
I've always had a job since college. By choice. I didn't have to work because I was and am blessed to have parents that can help me financially. But, working was a way for me to get out of the freaking house and it gave me a sense of independence. I also learned a lot about work ethic.
Hard work isn't foreign to me. I was raised by Korean immigrant parents in Brooklyn, you know what I'm sayin? Did I love every one of my jobs? Hell no but, some were tolerable. The last job mentioned above.....intolerable. It wasn't the people or the place....it was me. It was time for me to move on. Just the thought of going into work drained me. All I could do was cry silently. I was miserable. I was angry. "I didn't f*cking move out here to serve food and alcohol to entitled pieces of sh*ts that don't know how to say Please and Thank You! How about you go serve your f*king self?"
I had to do something. But, what? What I really wanted to do was act and make money that way. But, how am I going to support myself first? Daunting. Debilitating.
True story.
One rainy night (yes, in LA), on my way to the intolerable workplace, I cried and prayed to God. "God, I really don't want to go to work. You know I'm not lazy. I want to work and work hard but, on my terms. I want to be happy. I want to do what I came here to do. Just give me a sign and I'll completely trust and not hesitate. I'll listen and take action no matter how scary it is. Just give me a sign please."
Not a minute went by. I was sitting at a traffic light waiting for my light to turn green. I looked up and saw a huge billboard that said:
"Recession 101: Self-worth beats net-worth."
I said, "God, consider it done. Thank You."
I got to work and put in my two weeks. I put my last paycheck towards signing up for Chris Game's commercial workshop. My intention.....book one commercial.
Guess what?
The workshop was for four weeks. By week two, I got my first commercial callback. This became my first vlog. Click Here for video. Yup, I had short and curly hair then. I ended up booking that. This became my second vlog. Click Here for second video. And then I booked 8-10 commercials in a year.
Story 2
A friend contacted me recently asking if I'd be willing to help out with a project. "I'm all ears", I said. Long story short, he was asking me to do background work. I felt a knot in my stomach. I felt torn. I wanted to help him out but, I also didn't want to do background.
One voice was saying, "What are you crazy? You're asking ME to do background? Oh, hell no."
Then another voice was saying, "Alex, who the hell do you think you are? You're helping a friend out. And your friend is telling you that he'll try to get you some lines and introduce you to the director and producer. Get over yourself. You gotta pay your dues."
I took a day to think it over. I got back to him and told him no.
Here's why.
I made two promises to myself when I left that intolerable job.
1. I won't do background work anymore, and
2. I won't do jobs that don't pay.
Since then, I haven't done background and I have gotten paid for every single job.
I've done A LOT of work for free. I gave A LOT of my time for free. For the sake of 'networking', 'working', 'experience', 'paying my dues', 'getting footage', etc..... We've all been there, yes? All I know is, resentment lived in me 24/7.
My Soul was telling me to set boundaries for myself. My Soul, my talent, my genius was telling me "Alex, enough is enough. You're worth getting lines. You're worth getting paid."
This was a test to my self-esteem, my self-worth. For a long time, I only self-submitted for background work. I truly didn't believe I deserved to have any lines. I remember the first time I submitted myself for a Supporting role, it scared the crap out of me.
Alex, you have come a long way.
In the end, my friend understood where I was coming from. Because he's been there too. I believe he understood because he practices self-love and knows his self-worth. When you love yourself....you want others to love themselves too and you'll do what you can to help them on their journey as well. You won't take things personally. (This is for a whole other blog post).
Break-throughs need to be broken through. I broke through that. I created a different level of relationship with my Soul and the Universe. Agreeing to do background work for no pay was me betraying myself.
I'm not saying I'm a Nazi about it and I automatically shoot things down. No, because every situation is different. But, what I am saying is I take care of myself and my Soul. I think things through thoroughly AND I listen to what my gut is saying. And when I have my answer, I don't apologize for it. Because it's coming from my heart. And it's with integrity. I'm not afraid of how I or my actions will be interpreted. Everyone's going to have their own interpretations....so be it.
And remember, there's no "It's the Right thing to do" or "It's the Wrong thing to do". As long as it comes from your heart.......TRUST IT and GO.
SO,
Can you check off self-worth from your list today?
with MAAAAAAD LOVE,
x Alex
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