"I'm Just Doing My Best". Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 37

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


Now on to the main attraction.....


I'm exhausted and frustrated but, having the time of my life with Lesly Kahn's Comedy Intensive.  The frustration lets me know that I'm doing the work.  As a recovering perfectionist, I'm slowly but, surely learning to let things go and say "F*ck It".  Lesly is a big believer in doing the work and then saying "Fuck It"...to perfection...not to the work itself.

I was going to write a long post for this week but, it's difficult for me right now.  My schedule is all over the place and until the intensive is over, I have to be kind to myself and let myself off the hook with some things.

Ah, that feels a little better.

So, my lesson this week is to say, "You're doing the best you can, Alex.  I'm proud of you."

This lesson hit me this morning (Thursday 9/12) while I was cleaning up Bells's poop.  She's been shitting up a storm lately...and throwing up.  And barking like crazy.  I found myself getting angry with her because I'll clean up her poop (on her wee wee pad) and ten minutes later, there's poop again.  And because I'm so exhausted and I'm getting irritable.  Easily.  I'm meditating and breathing whenever I can even if it's for 2 minutes...I f*cking need it.  God, I have so much more compassion and understanding for my mother and mothers.

So, I'm cleaning up her poop for the umpteenth time and she's barking....I thought I was going to flip.  I yelled at her.  I raised my hand at her too.  I was just so angry and felt out of control.  I stopped and looked into her scared eyes and finally let some tears out.  I said, "Bells, I'm sorry I scared you.  Mommy's just very tired and I have a lot of work to do.  Please, I need you to help me out here.  I'm not perfect but, I'm doing my best for you and for me right now."

I swear to God she talks to me.  She said, "Mom, ok.  And understand that I'm doing my best too.  Not perfectly but, I'm doing my best."

I hugged and kissed the shit out of her.  She's my greatest teacher.  I love this little bitch of mine.

So, I took her to the vet today to make sure it's nothing serious.  I went and got some chicken to boil for her.  I'm making her chicken and rice for a few days.  It's the best for dogs with an upset stomach.  She's being so good now.

We just needed to understand each other.

I can't be everyone to everyone.  All I know is I'm doing the best I can.  And I'm ok with that.

And I'm letting out a sigh of relief.  This blog post is done too.  It's been on my mind.  When I commit, I over-commit, sometimes to my detriment.

I feel like this post isn't perfect.  The perfectionist in me is saying I'm half-assing it.  I'm not.  I'm just doing my best.


Aaaaaand breathe.



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex