"There is strong shadow where there is much light." - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
We all have dualities existing within us. It pulls us, pushes us and sometimes it keeps us immobile. We have named them "Angel vs. Devil", "Light vs. Shadow", "Good vs. Bad", "Truth vs. Ego", etc.... And we have been conditioned to believe one is right and the other is wrong. All of a sudden, making decisions, having choices can become scary because we want to do the 'right' thing. So, are we doomed to live in a state of tug-of-war for the rest of our lives? Absolutely not.
My Ego's going bonkers these days. The more I try to live consciously, the stronger my self-sabotaging behaviors and patterns come to surface. I used to have days where I would wake up in the mornings and just feel defeated. In a matter of milliseconds...even before I opened my eyes, I no longer wanted to get out of bed, I no longer wanted to do anything....I just had thoughts, overwhelming thoughts that paralyzed me. I'd see the beautiful morning Sun and say, 'Sorry, I can't join you today', then I would close my eyes and give up...give up on me and the day.
This is how I lived for years, in secret, feeling alone...I didn't know how to stop it. All the momentary battles in me came together to wage a war inside of me. Too much for my little soul to handle.
But, my soul knows better....it wants better for me. The greater ME came to my rescue. I didn't wake up one morning and said, "I'm going to do what it takes to get better" instead, I said "I'm open. I want to be happy. I want to heal. Help me." That's it. I just asked for help.
Cut to: Kundalini yoga. I heard about Kundalini but it just went in one ear, out the other...until one day, I was ready to hear it. I heard it....loud and clear. I was curious so I went by myself. You know that saying, "When you know, you just know"? I knew I found something that was going to be a part of me forever. It's been 3 months since I started Kundalini and I go at least 5-6 days a week. I'm also on Day 20 of my 40-Day Meditation, 30 minutes everyday. I asked my teacher, Tej for help because there are specific things I'd like to work through. I love meditating. Who would have thought?? It takes work...it's no easy task but, there is magic in practicing anything, consistently. I am so grateful to those who mentioned Kundalini to me..even though I wasn't ready to act on my soul's behalf then, thank you.
I'm not out of the woods yet. I don't walk around happy and peaceful all the time BUT, one thing's for sure, I'm living again. Another one of Goethe's quotes, "Life belongs to the living." I'm alive and I'm able to handle things with much more grace and excitement. I see hope in my life, hope in other's lives, hope in the world.
I accept all that is ME. What I once labeled as good or bad, is no longer. It just is. It is part of ME for a reason. It's all a part of my growth and expansion. I trust that I am perfect just the way I am...I am in this perfect moment as a perfect giver and receiver. My life coach, Justina helped me realize that even the 'bad' was created by ME to help and protect ME. My Ego came into existence when the little Alex needed help. Now, the adult Alex has to draw some healthy boundaries and allow for all parts of ME to coexist and work together as a team. No more fighting! No more favoritism! Be the neutral parent.
So, in a nutshell....
* Duality exists in us all.
* Judge no more. It is not our job to say one is good and the other is bad. It was created by you for you.
* Say thank you to you...all of you...even what you thought was bad. It was made out of love for you. For ex: Let's say you're a cigarette smoker, and you want to quit because you think it's bad. Well, thank that part of you that wants to light up because you it was created to protect you from feeling something. You no longer have to carry unhealthy feelings and habits. And because you are always evolving, perhaps you don't need it anymore?? As creatures of habit, it's scary to let go of something that's been with us, a part of us, but, your goal is to change and to discover new things. Allow there to be flow in all parts of your life. Let the old go and welcome the new.
* Ask for help. Whether it's to a professional or to God/Universe. And then stay open to all possible answers.
* If you feel ready, take a Kundalini class. I go to Golden Bridge on Highland and DeLongpre. Go by yourself or email me, and I can go with you.
* Trust that no matter what, it will get better. Be okay with the feeling of discomfort. Comfort never moves us...it keeps us where we are. And that's good at times but, discomfort moves us into a different consciousness. And sometimes we need that new consciousness. It's all part of the divine plan.
* Practice living more consciously...it will cause a chain reaction. How? Simple, to start, just focus on your five senses. Technically, we have a so many other senses but, we don't use them because we don't even know about them! But, on a physical level, we know of 5 so, use them! I like to swish my chai latte with vanilla almond milk in my mouth before I swallow. I like to smell my doggie Bells, even when she smells like corn chips. ;)
Here's a video of one of my favorite authors, Steven Pressfield. He truly is such a gift to artists.
Last Week's Goals: Margie Haber, kundalini, mail outs, korean spa, oil change.
Update: Check check check for everything except oil change.
This Week's Goals: Two more weeks of Margie Haber left! I'm signing up for the on-going classes. I love it. More kundalini! I'm meeting up with friends this week to catch up. Self-submit on Actors Access. Laundry! Talk to my buddy everyday! Morrison is away so I have Marsha as my new buddy! She's helping me get one of my personal projects started! Yikes! :)
Have a lovely week everyone. :)
with LOVE,
Alex
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