This butterfly let me take his picture. I know butterflies well. And what it takes to transform into something beautiful.
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly." - Richard Bach
Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week.....
* If it hasn't already, this may be one bumpy month. Astrologically speaking. One of my favorite websites to see a monthly forecast is
Susan Miller's Astrology Zone. She's been spot on for me numerous times. Take a gander. And if you're going through some sh*t, just know, you're not alone. :)
Now on to the main attraction.....
Last week's post was about my willingness to let go of some damn control with men so I can allow myself happiness and LOVE.
Well, here's some update. It's not going to make sense at first, but it will....bear with me.
It's been a rough week.
But, as rough as it was, and is.....lessons do emerge. Because I always choose to see them, learn from them, and move forward.
Dear Diary, do you remember the big-budget feature audition I went on about two months ago?
I didn't get it.
Not even a callback. I thought I was going to get one.
Normally, you go on an audition and if you're not right for it, you don't even find out about it. That's how Hollywood rolls. You only find out if you're moving on to the next round.
I found out in a peculiar way that I will not be moving on.
I received an email about an audition notice two weeks ago. It was for the same role. Then received another email from my theatrical agent shortly after. She said she didn't realize I read for the part already so she called and checked with casting to see if they wanted me to come in again. "Not necessary", they said.
I didn't know what to make of it.
Here's what was going through my mind.
"Huh. Well, this is a pretty shitty way to find out I won't be getting a callback. My agent forgot I went out for it already so she submitted me, and casting didn't remember I read for it either so they accepted the submission. It felt like, "Oh, she came in for this already? Yeah, my bad. But, no." I'd rather not know anything than find out like this. God/Universe, WTF?"
Then another voice in me said,
"Well, let's still hope, Alex. Yes, you found out in a strange way but, then again you got the first audition, which you read for, in a strange way too (my commercial agent got me the audition, not my theatrical).
Click Here for the post, "
God Throws Me a Bone....Again. My Magical Audition". There's probably a beautiful reason why this is happening. Maybe it's good that your theatrical agent submitted you again so casting is reminded of you. Maybe this will all work out magically. Don't ever lose hope. There's a reason for this."
I chose to listen to the hopeful voice.
But, that hope turned into fantasizing and fantasizing in an unhealthy way. I had to accept reality.
I prayed and meditated to let this go. "God, it's time to let this go. Help me to let this go."
Just when I thought I let it go and I was ok with it, BAM, I would receive a sign. It felt like my angels were whispering to me, "Don't let this go yet, Alex." I fought those signs. I kept telling myself, "Naaahhh...I must be going crazy. You're probably creating all this in your head. Of course if you're looking for something or not looking for something, you're going to see it. It's like someone telling you, 'Hey, don't see the color red today, ok?' You're going to see f*cking red all day."
The more I didn't want to see signs, I would. This was starting to piss me off. Still nothing drove me to take action until late last week.
I went for a hike with a friend. We were catching up and I hadn't told her about the audition. I did then. She told me a story that was coincidental, synchronistic, and magical. It wasn't something I could deny at that point.
An inspiration hit me. It felt divine. I was going to make a video. A short video and send it to the writers and directors. That was it! My heart and mind was set. I felt all the cells in my body tingle...they were jumping for joy. "Go, Alex, GO! Do it!!"
I rushed home, rescheduled my day around so I can make making the video a priority. Once I started making the video, I noticed I was getting emotional. The light and funny video turned into something raw. Too raw. But, I thought, "What the hell. It's my truth at the moment. It may come off a little crazy on my end but, who knows...maybe they'll appreciate the honesty."
I sent it to a friend. A friend who knows the writers and directors. I had been contemplating for a month whether I should contact this friend to see what was going on with casting. Asking for help, or asking for anything doesn't come naturally for me so it didn't happen.....until now. "You made the video so the next step is to drop your pride and follow through, Alex. If he says no, then at least you tried."
After sending the video to him, I texted my hiking friend and said, "Aaaahhh! I did it. I made the video and I sent it over." No guts no glory, right? She asked if she could see the video. I hesitated a bit because it was embarrassing to have another pair of eyes see me so vulnerable but, I said "F*ck it" and sent her the link. She immediately texted back saying, "Take it down".
I was pissed. I was pissed at her because I felt like I got shot down. I was pissed at myself because I thought I was listening to my Intuition and it was wrong. I felt even more vulnerable than ever. She explained to me that the video was out of context...inappropriate. Here I was sending a dramatic video to comedy filmmakers. I cried, people. I asked for another shot. I said I was hurt.
Inner battle was happening. I didn't know who to listen to. To her or to my heart. I listened to her. I took the video down.
I immediately wrote back to my friend again to let him know that I took the video down. I felt like a scattered, hot mess. What the hell is going on with me? I didn't know who I was. I was an emotional wreck. And I was purely running on emotions....no logic, no rational thinking was taking place. I felt out of control.
I was mortified. I wanted to hide and never come out. I wanted to go back in time and start over. But, what was done was done. There is no going back...only going forward.
I didn't know how to get through the rest of the day. And I became exhausted. I was spent. Night time rolled around. I just wanted the day to be over. Before heading to bed, I knew I had to write it all out in my journal. I had to get it out of me. I didn't want to carry it over to the next day. I began journaling. Then my friend wrote me back. I couldn't even read his response because I was so afraid of what he would say and think of me.
He hadn't seen the video. I know because it was a private FB message. You can see if the message was 'seen' or not. He didn't see the message until after the video was taken down. Oh thank God, OH THANK GOD.
After reading his reply, I told him the truth. I told him "I had a moment" and I was embarrassed by it all. His response couldn't have been more understanding. I was so grateful that he understood that I was just processing it as an artist.
Here's the kicker....I think his response only came to me when I was ready. It came to me when I was taking care of myself by journaling. I wasn't waiting around for someone to say, "Here you go, feel better now, Alex". His response was a reflection of my response to myself. Yes, I couldn't let go of the audition and I couldn't let go of my erratic behavior. The "what the f*ck is wrong with you, Alex?" turned into, "This meant a lot to you, Alex. It just meant a lot to you." That's how I was able to let it go. Once I acknowledged that it meant a lot to me, I was able to let it go. I had to go there on my own.
So, how does this tie in with last week's post?
I got messy to a man. Granted, it's not a romantic relationship but, it was to a man. I rarely show that side to a man. I'm always keeping things in check. I'm always making sure I'm doing things the 'right' way. I'm always trying to be 'perfect', happy, productive, got my shit together, emotionally balanced, smart, etc..
F*ck that.
I don't like being 'perfect'. Because 'perfection' is just an idea. It's not real. And I just wanna keep it real, and be real, damn it. My imperfections are perfect.
I AM perfectly imperfect.
Here are some extra lessons.
* I realized I made that video for me. I'm glad I made the video. It brought up a lot in me and I wasn't liking it but, there was a reason for it. It was my way of saying goodbye to the audition. Didn't know it at the time. At the time, I thought it was my way of holding on but, it was really my way of letting go. The video was never meant for public view. It was meant for personal view. I saw myself.
* I have amazing friends. Friends that are understanding, honest, communicative, and compassionate. Thank you friends....especially, Nicole, Kelly, Ash, and KL. Thank you for being a part of my creative process. As messy as it was for me, it gave me the clarity I needed. Thank you for not judging me and allowing me to be me. And I learned that I can't do this alone. We can't do this alone. We need each other. I don't like needing anything or anything but, that's Ego. I can use all the help I can get!
* Sometimes I question if I'm cut out for this. Sometimes I feel like I lack passion compared to others. Why can't I take more risky actions? Maybe I don't care as much? I know that when the time is right, I'll take action. With purpose. I used to always say, "Oh, there's no way I can leave Brooklyn and my family." I've been in LA for 9 years. I've also done some things in life where in hindsight I think, "Wow! I did that?!" Damn, I'm badass. I AM cut out for this. I do have balls. I do take scary and risky actions. I trust that. It may not happen everyday but, when it happens, it's with purpose and it's a divine intervention. I look forward to the next one.
Life is messy. I'm messy. I like it.
Have a messy week, peeps.
with MAAAAD LOVE,
x Alex
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