'Magical Spaces' Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 38 and 39

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  I signed up for Lesly Kahn's Clinic.  It's what you take for a month after the Intensive, before moving into her Ongoing.  I learned so much and I want to make sure it becomes second nature for me.  The last scene I did for the Intensive, Lesly said I was 'an epiphany'.  She said she now knew who I was, the actress I was.  And I knew she was telling the truth because I felt free.  I was showing who I was.  It's always a lovely feeling to be seen.

And my classmates.....falling in love with these new peeps in my life.  



Now on to the main attraction....


My accountability buddy this month has been having breakthroughs after breakthroughs.  And they're manifesting into her physical reality.  Literally in a week, her mind, body, and Soul has undergone a 180.

Listening to her stories and epiphanies hit home with me.

She's in her magical space.

I know that magical space.

It's effortless.  It's exciting.  It's peaceful.  It's fun.  It's synchronistic.  It's poetic.  It's surreal.  It's REAL.  The MAGICAL space is REAL.

That's how we're meant to live, you know.  REALLY MAGICALLY.  MAGICALLY REAL.

I'm learning my ways to do that.

I miss that space though.  I'm not in it right now.  Actually I go in and out of it.

I have days where I'm like, "Fuck yeah.  I'm the next Asian sensation".  Then couple hours later, "What if I just slip through the cracks and I never make it?"  Or, "Hey, I kind of like being single right now.  I want to experience what I want to experience when I want to."  Then couple hours later, "Damn, what if this shit backfires on me and I'm 80 years old, looking back and kicking myself for it?"

Still working through my inner conflicts.  One day at a time, Alex.

It was nice to hear her talk about it and enjoy being in it with awe, gratitude, hope, and curiosity.  It rubbed off on me.  It reminded me of that space that I love being in.  I belong in.  Where we all belong in.  It's a great freaking space.

You know that Marianne Williamson quote?  By her being in her magical space, it elevated my mood and inspired me to get back to my magical space.  Another lesson to shine your light whenever you can....because you just may be helping a fellow Soul.

 
So, how do I get back into my magical space?

It's all about energy.  

If you feel blocked somewhere, you probably are.  Figure out where the block is and do something (doesn't matter big or small...just commit to it) about it every day for a month.  You can thank me later.




There's always an exchange of energies that take place.  If you want something new, just make room for it.  Nature can expand a bit but, it abhors a vacuum.  The millisecond a space is created, Nature will fill it.  Make sure it fills it with something you want.

How?

Start preparing for what you want.

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity".   - Seneca, Roman philosopher


You'll see, the more you prepare, the more opportunities will open up.  Or maybe you'll just see more opportunities because you're prepared.  Regardless, just get ready.



Here are a couple of my magical spaces.

My accountability buddy said to go back and watch some of my magical vlogs and/or go back to my magical blog posts.  To remember.  To feel that again.


Do you remember when my vlog was on Steven Pressfield's site for a week?  And he and I became friends.  I'm friends with one of my favorite writers?!  Then he introduced me to Robert McKee and we all had dinner.  Uhhhhh....I had dinner with two world-renown writers??!!  Yes, I did!

Here's the original video.


And here's the follow-up video.



Then, when I fell in 'love at first sight'.  It was the one and only time it has ever happened to me.  I swear, just our eyes met.  I looked away because I felt like I got caught, then looked back to only see his eyes again.  Freaked me out so bad, because now I got caught twice, I ran.  I seriously ran away.  But, he came after me and we connected on a magical and rare level.  It felt so easy and perfect.


Magical things can happen.  Again and again and again.  They're happening all the time.  Anything is possible.  I may have days where I curse it all but, deep down, I believe....I believe in MAGIC.




Wishing you a week in your MAGICAL space-aaaah!


with MAAAD LOVE,

x Alex









 

 

"I'm Just Doing My Best". Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 37

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


Now on to the main attraction.....


I'm exhausted and frustrated but, having the time of my life with Lesly Kahn's Comedy Intensive.  The frustration lets me know that I'm doing the work.  As a recovering perfectionist, I'm slowly but, surely learning to let things go and say "F*ck It".  Lesly is a big believer in doing the work and then saying "Fuck It"...to perfection...not to the work itself.

I was going to write a long post for this week but, it's difficult for me right now.  My schedule is all over the place and until the intensive is over, I have to be kind to myself and let myself off the hook with some things.

Ah, that feels a little better.

So, my lesson this week is to say, "You're doing the best you can, Alex.  I'm proud of you."

This lesson hit me this morning (Thursday 9/12) while I was cleaning up Bells's poop.  She's been shitting up a storm lately...and throwing up.  And barking like crazy.  I found myself getting angry with her because I'll clean up her poop (on her wee wee pad) and ten minutes later, there's poop again.  And because I'm so exhausted and I'm getting irritable.  Easily.  I'm meditating and breathing whenever I can even if it's for 2 minutes...I f*cking need it.  God, I have so much more compassion and understanding for my mother and mothers.

So, I'm cleaning up her poop for the umpteenth time and she's barking....I thought I was going to flip.  I yelled at her.  I raised my hand at her too.  I was just so angry and felt out of control.  I stopped and looked into her scared eyes and finally let some tears out.  I said, "Bells, I'm sorry I scared you.  Mommy's just very tired and I have a lot of work to do.  Please, I need you to help me out here.  I'm not perfect but, I'm doing my best for you and for me right now."

I swear to God she talks to me.  She said, "Mom, ok.  And understand that I'm doing my best too.  Not perfectly but, I'm doing my best."

I hugged and kissed the shit out of her.  She's my greatest teacher.  I love this little bitch of mine.

So, I took her to the vet today to make sure it's nothing serious.  I went and got some chicken to boil for her.  I'm making her chicken and rice for a few days.  It's the best for dogs with an upset stomach.  She's being so good now.

We just needed to understand each other.

I can't be everyone to everyone.  All I know is I'm doing the best I can.  And I'm ok with that.

And I'm letting out a sigh of relief.  This blog post is done too.  It's been on my mind.  When I commit, I over-commit, sometimes to my detriment.

I feel like this post isn't perfect.  The perfectionist in me is saying I'm half-assing it.  I'm not.  I'm just doing my best.


Aaaaaand breathe.



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Self-Worth? Check." Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 36.

Did you know I'm a total in-the-closet clown?

Photo by Cammy Kinney Photography

Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  A Thank You shout out to Katharine Chin for subscribing!  Thank you lady!!

*  Last week I went to Lesly Kahn's Triage, which is like her orientation.  I got into her master comedy intensive.  I'm starting this week.  It's a total of three classes but, it's mandatory that we get together with our classmates EVERY DAY for three weeks for rehearsals.  It's intense, alright.  I'm excited and nervous.  I'll keep you posted.  Just FYI, Lesly is awesome.  She's definitely my kind of teacher.

*  Have you seen my new Facebook cover photo?  My 'brand' is official.  And thank you to my dear and talented friends for helping me out!  The lipstick 'I' is my friend Loren's brilliant idea.  So me.  :D

Photo by Cammy Kinney Photography
Make-up by Gabriel Perez
Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design
Graphics by Loren Kling

*  Do you know about Bitstrips?  I am obsessed with this app.  You can make your own comics.  Only annoying thing is that you can only do it through Facebook.  But the other cool thing is, if you and your friends are signed up, you can all add each other to comics.  I feel like a kid again!  So cute and so fun!

Here's my first one.  Isn't my avatar awesome?

Caption for this read:  Alex woke up with some gnarly dreams and the meanings became crystal clear.  Alex sees all the patterns now.

Now on to the main attraction.....

"Worthiness, in very simple terms, means I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting."

- Esther Hicks

I have two stories for you.


Story 1

"Recession 101:  Self-worth beats net-worth".

I saw this on a billboard just before quitting the last 'day job' I had.  Almost three years ago.

I was working as a server at a hip and cool restaurant in WeHo (West Hollywood).  I lasted three months.  I and my Soul could not take it anymore.

I've always had a job since college.  By choice.  I didn't have to work because I was and am blessed to have parents that can help me financially.  But, working was a way for me to get out of the freaking house and it gave me a sense of independence.  I also learned a lot about work ethic.

Hard work isn't foreign to me.  I was raised by Korean immigrant parents in Brooklyn, you know what I'm sayin?  Did I love every one of my jobs?  Hell no but, some were tolerable.  The last job mentioned above.....intolerable.  It wasn't the people or the place....it was me.  It was time for me to move on.  Just the thought of going into work drained me.  All I could do was cry silently.  I was miserable.  I was angry.  "I didn't f*cking move out here to serve food and alcohol to entitled pieces of sh*ts that don't know how to say Please and Thank You!  How about you go serve your f*king self?"

I had to do something.  But, what?  What I really wanted to do was act and make money that way.  But, how am I going to support myself first?  Daunting.  Debilitating.

True story.

One rainy night (yes, in LA), on my way to the intolerable workplace, I cried and prayed to God.  "God, I really don't want to go to work.  You know I'm not lazy.  I want to work and work hard but, on my terms.  I want to be happy.  I want to do what I came here to do.  Just give me a sign and I'll completely trust and not hesitate.  I'll listen and take action no matter how scary it is.  Just give me a sign please."

Not a minute went by.  I was sitting at a traffic light waiting for my light to turn green.  I looked up and saw a huge billboard that said:

"Recession 101:  Self-worth beats net-worth."

I said, "God, consider it done.  Thank You."

I got to work and put in my two weeks.  I put my last paycheck towards signing up for Chris Game's commercial workshop.  My intention.....book one commercial.

Guess what?

The workshop was for four weeks.  By week two, I got my first commercial callback.  This became my first vlog.  Click Here for video.  Yup, I had short and curly hair then.  I ended up booking that.  This became my second vlog.  Click Here for second video.  And then I booked 8-10 commercials in a year.




Story 2

A friend contacted me recently asking if I'd be willing to help out with a project.  "I'm all ears", I said.  Long story short, he was asking me to do background work.  I felt a knot in my stomach.  I felt torn.  I wanted to help him out but, I also didn't want to do background.

One voice was saying, "What are you crazy?  You're asking ME to do background?  Oh, hell no."

Then another voice was saying, "Alex, who the hell do you think you are?  You're helping a friend out.  And your friend is telling you that he'll try to get you some lines and introduce you to the director and producer.  Get over yourself.  You gotta pay your dues."

I took a day to think it over.  I got back to him and told him no.

Here's why.

I made two promises to myself when I left that intolerable job.

1.  I won't do background work anymore, and
2.  I won't do jobs that don't pay.

Since then, I haven't done background and I have gotten paid for every single job.

I've done A LOT of work for free.  I gave A LOT of my time for free.  For the sake of 'networking', 'working', 'experience', 'paying my dues', 'getting footage', etc.....  We've all been there, yes?  All I know is, resentment lived in me 24/7.

My Soul was telling me to set boundaries for myself.  My Soul, my talent, my genius was telling me "Alex, enough is enough.  You're worth getting lines.  You're worth getting paid."

This was a test to my self-esteem, my self-worth.  For a long time, I only self-submitted for background work.  I truly didn't believe I deserved to have any lines.  I remember the first time I submitted myself for a Supporting role, it scared the crap out of me.

Alex, you have come a long way.

In the end, my friend understood where I was coming from.  Because he's been there too.  I believe he understood because he practices self-love and knows his self-worth.  When you love yourself....you want others to love themselves too and you'll do what you can to help them on their journey as well.  You won't take things personally.  (This is for a whole other blog post).

Break-throughs need to be broken through.  I broke through that.  I created a different level of relationship with my Soul and the Universe.  Agreeing to do background work for no pay was me betraying myself.

I'm not saying I'm a Nazi about it and I automatically shoot things down.  No, because every situation is different.  But, what I am saying is I take care of myself and my Soul.  I think things through thoroughly AND I listen to what my gut is saying.  And when I have my answer, I don't apologize for it.  Because it's coming from my heart.  And it's with integrity.  I'm not afraid of how I or my actions will be interpreted.  Everyone's going to have their own interpretations....so be it.

And remember, there's no "It's the Right thing to do" or "It's the Wrong thing to do".  As long as it comes from your heart.......TRUST IT and GO.

SO,

Can you check off self-worth from your list today?


with MAAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex