Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week......
* I went to Comic Con for the first time! It was so much fun.
I used to literally sit on the toilet until my legs fell asleep reading Archie comics. Brought back memories.
This I thought was hilarious. Found it in "Religious Comics". The bubbles above the girl dressed in red says, "She'll find out as I did. That's not the road to stardom!" Bah hahaha. #NoteToSelf
Hangin with the boys. "Teenage mutant ninja turtles, teenage mutant ninja turtles, teenage mutant ninja turtles. Heroes in a half-shell. Turtle Power!"
* I'm so excited to finally announce that the last commercial I shot was a promo trailer for the new X-Men - Days Of Future Past movie!!!! I couldn't say anything until it was released this past Saturday at Comic Con 2013. Fans were camped out just to get into Hall H for the Fox panel. I read from different sources online that fans are going crazy over the trailer! I haven't seen it yet but, as soon as I can find or get footage, I'll let you know!
I played a 'Mom at the beach'. Here's a pic of our family. Apparently, we're a part of a corporate video they're watching in the trailer. Or something like that. They did one take of us looking up in the sky and we see a huge robot, BUT we're not alarmed. A Sentinel, perhaps?
Shout out to Chris Capizzi and Kyra!! :)
Now on to the main attraction......
I've been letting something get to my head.
The last casting director workshop was an energy sucker. It was a week ago.
It was with Fern Champion, a veteran. She casted lots of movies I watched as a kid like Police Academy, The Naked Gun, The Mask, Troop Beverly Hills, etc. I figured, "She'll get my funny".
I wasn't funny. In fact, it was probably painful for everyone in the room because I was in pain while I was doing the scene.
First, I was late. Workshops at The Actor's Link usually start at 7:30pm, I got there at 7:15pm (thinking I'm early). This particular workshop started at 7pm (I'm pissed at myself). We knew beforehand that Fern wanted to assign scenes and have us do cold-reads rather than us bringing in our own scenes. I was the late one asking for a scene. Fern was nice enough to assign me one even though she told the class that she wouldn't to latecomers. She was also very sweet for allowing me and my scene partner to have a little more time to go over it together before putting it up in front of class. In front of class?!! What?! The thing I like about The Actor's Link is that most of their workshops are One-to-One format, meaning, it's just you, the reader, and the casting director in the room. I find some comfort in that no one else is watching. Well, it was another curve ball for me and it threw me off my game.
I was late, I was put on spot, and now the whole class was going to be in the room. I was feeling scattered, flustered, impatient, nervous, and angry with myself.
We were the last scene to go up. Fern is another favorite casting director of mine. Not because of what she's casted but, because of who she is. She's gracious, loving, direct, patient, beautiful, motherly, and insightful. Her notes and directions to everyone came from that place.
As I sat there I kept thinking, "Let the lines go. It's not about the lines. What is the scene about? What do I want from her? What am I willing to do to get it? Don't play it funny. Just be you. But, I don't know who I am in this scene! I don't think this character is funny at all!"
Two guys go up right before us. They begin. Oh shit, they have the same scene?!! Awk-ward. Fern likes to mix it up and not let roles get gender specific. Oh great. No other scenes were doubled assigned. My scene partner eyed each other.
The guy playing the same character I was, was getting laughs every second. Especially from Fern. My brain started to go a mile a minute trying to figure out ways to be different from him and still funny. While I'm thinking of new choices and adjustments to myself, they were done and it was our turn.
We get up there and we had to let the class know that we had the same scene. Fern said it will be interesting for everyone to see it done with two women versus two men, because that's really how casting works. You just never know.
We begin. I had the first line. As the words were coming out, "Interesting font choice", I knew it was over before it even started. And for the rest of the scene, I felt like I was drowning in front of these people, gasping for air, and no one could help me. It was painful. I didn't get any laughs. But, my scene partner was. She was nailing every beat. She was annihilating me in the scene, and I wanted to annihilate her after class. I was a casting director workshop roadkill.
As Fern was giving us notes, it's like as if I was reminding her of all the DON'Ts for auditioning. She would tell the class, "Don't do this, Don't do that", and then turn to me and say, "I'm not saying you did this." "Yes, yes, I know", I'd say with a nod. But, how can I not feel shitty?
She was loving but, at the state I was in, it just felt like "You suck." Well, a week has gone by now and I'd like to beat myself up less for this, so I decided to write about it and get it out of my body and head. "Interesting font choice, interesting font choice, interesting font choice" is all I've been playing and replaying in my head....for a week. Daaaaaamn. And I'm realizing now that I couldn't let this go, not because I thought she thought I was horrible.....it's because I thought I was horrible.
There were, are times when people say things about me that I KNOW are not true.....rolls off my back. But, it's when I start to believe them. Fern never once said anything discouraging and mean towards me...if anything, she was simply doing her job, and well. I just couldn't handle it and I began to believe my own thoughts. I abandoned myself and expected Fern and the class to make me feel better.
The adult in me is the recovering perfectionist. I see lessons of this everyday. The child in me just wanted to show Fern that I was meant for this. I just wanted to do my best. That's it.
Okay, I'm starting to cry now. I guess I'm moving through this.
It's not the easiest business we're in. And it can mess with your head more than you'd like but, nothing's gonna teach you more about Self-Love than this. There is no perfect. It's already perfect. You just gotta hug yourself and dust yourself off and try again. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Would you?
I hope you enjoy your journey this week.....however that looks for you.
** If you can get into Fern's workshop, DO IT! She's absolutely awesome. And I'm grateful to her for my lessons.
with MAAAAAAD LOVE,
x Alex
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