Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week.....
* To my relief, I finally started backing up my blog. Good God. This has been on my mind forever. Hallelujah. For those of you using Blogger as your blog platform, note to self: you don't own any of your own writings. Back it up somewhere else. If Blogger disappears, your blog disappears. I had a scare once, remember? Curious? Click here for video I made about it.
Now on to the main attraction....
I'm writing my next spoken word story. It begins with, "Can I tell you a secret?" My last story (click here for video) started with that too. I think that will be my tag from now on. Yessssss! It's perfect.
I was wondering......do you find it easier to be vulnerable with an audience than with one person, someone close to you like your significant other, best friend, or parent?
The Public Self vs. The Private Self......are they different? Should they be?
I promised myself that I would always write with an open heart. Act with an open heart. And I have. But, am I living with an open heart? Am I disclosing as much of myself to the immediate people around me as I am to an audience and my blog readers? I've hit a wall with my writing because this is what's consuming my mind right now. I'm feeling guilty for not having the balls to actually say the stuff I'm writing about. There's a spoken word/storytelling show called "Don't Tell My Mother". I neeeeed to get into this. Practically all my stories are, 'don't tell my mother sh*t!'
I remember when Margaret Cho became mainstream. I did not get her. I didn't think it was funny one bit the way she used her mom to get laughs. I thought, "Wow, why don't you stop picking on your mother and actually talk about funny stuff." Now? I love her. I think she's brilliant. I think she's courageous. "Wow, I see how much you love your mother." It was like she brought her mom on stage with her every time. She wouldn't be able to bring her mom on stage unless there was love and understanding there. That's what I have to keep reminding myself when I feel guilty about talking sh*t. I'm not really talking sh*t because I'm talking sh*t with love. I really am.
I don't know. The freer, the wilder, the more provocative I get with my writing, the more I question whether I am my full self through my art only. I feel like I'm living vicariously through my alter egos. I write about loving deeply, feeling deeply, forgiving deeply, healing deeply and all the while, I don't exemplify this as much as I'd like. Who knows when the guy I'm dating will even see me cry....unless I'm on stage. You see what I mean? Those who are in and out of my life on a daily basis. I push off conversations for later because I know you'll be around tomorrow. I assume if we both just sweep it under the rug, we'll eventually get over it. I get a whale stuck in my throat and my voice shakes every time I say, "I love you", "Thank you", "I'm sorry, forgive me", "I felt hurt and sad when you ______", so I don't say it enough.
I have been getting better at this. Becoming more open, candid, vulnerable, and intimate with those close to me. No more shrugging my shoulders and saying "whatever" and then running home to my voodoo doll. I'm all grown up now. I'm gonna tell it to your face and then run home to my new voodoo doll, my laptop and write about your ass. :D
Perhaps it's because I'm becoming more open, candid, vulnerable, and intimate in my writing. It doesn't matter if I'm ballsy just on paper.....that will somehow translate into my being ballsy in person. And what the hell? Maybe some things are just better said and left on stage. Maybe bringing it into my private life may be unhealthy or dangerous. I don't freaking know anymore. Honestly, I don't even know if it matters all that much now. Hahahahaha.
Oh goodness. Guess another visit from the good old Ego. I'm noticing my Resistance to writing right now. Hey Ego, thank you for your unsolicited comments and suggestions today but, I've got some writing to do.
Any thoughts? Do you think I'm going crazy? Or are you? I'd love to know. ;)
Have a great week!
with LOVE,
Alex
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