'Cherry Poppin Humpin Week' Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 4.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....




Now on to the main attraction.....

I think it's that time again.  Cherry poppin time!  With casting director workshops.  I haven't done these in some time now so going back to it always feels like the first time.

I don't know what it is but, I've been noticing some serious Resistance to signing up.  I keep pushing it off.  It's not like I don't know what to do....I know what type of research I would need to do so I invest my money wisely, I know where to take the workshops, I know what to expect, I know what's expected of me, I know and yet the whole thing seems daunting.

Something in me is scared, I feel it.  I'm afraid I'm gonna suck.  I'm afraid I'm gonna be underprepared. I'm afraid of the inner battles I'm gonna undergo because of my fear of being underprepared and sucking.  I'm afraid to meet new people.  I'm afraid to make a mistake.  I'm afraid to come off too needy.  I'm afraid of coming off too aloof.  I'm afraid that I might want it more than I'd like to allow myself.  I'm afraid of possibly being tardy for it.  I'm afraid that everything I learned at Margie Haber's for auditioning and cold reads will go out the window and I will be lost.  I'm afraid some part of me will plot to self-defeat and I will be defeated.

Something in me is angry too.  Why should I?.....I am an artist and I have writing to do!  Why should I?......I want to make my own stuff!  Why should I?.......I don't want to audition forever!

This is what I'd like to call.........a tantrum.  An inner tantrum.  No one else can see but, it's happening, sometimes violently inside me.

The good news is, I've been here before.  This place of 'beginning', a 'start'.  And I know that with any change, you have to get over a hump.  I hate getting over humps.  They're so annoying.  The humps require of you your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual commitment.  Funny, I can see who's doing the talking right now...the part of me that wants to stay in my comfort zone.  And it's not really about failing...it's about succeeding.  The part of me that's afraid of change.  The part of me that is afraid that I just might book jobs and my schedule will change. The part of me that's scared that I'll have to really grow up and step up.  The part of me that's afraid to make decisions.  The part of me that's afraid I will lose control of something.  The part of me that's afraid to really start making money.  The part of me that's afraid to know that I will have to let go or let live something I may not be ready for.

Are any of these fears true??  Yes and No.  Yes, because they are real.  They're real because I'm thinking them  and I'm feeling them.  But, are they TRUE??  No.  Because it hasn't happened.  I'm just projecting my fears of the past and now on to the future that I have no idea about.  Jeeez, I do this in relationships too.

Okay, I'm getting some clarity now.

I guess, check back next week to see which workshop I signed up for.


Any cherry poppin and/or hump(s) you want to get over this week?   Gotta get my mind out of the gutter.  ;)



with LOVE,

Alex