'I Don't Know Jack'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 5

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.......

*  Update on CD workshop.

I signed up for Ani Avetyan's.  She's a casting associate with Bruce Newberg Casting.  Bruce Newberg has one too but, schedule conflict.  

Either way, done.  She likes to do cold reads so I don't have to prepare anything.  I like cold reads.

Now on to the main attraction......

I was sitting on my balcony doing some writing and saw my neighbor's kid (let's call him Jack), riding his bicycle.  Jack was yelling, "I want a motorcycle!" as he was riding up and down the block.  Every time he made it to one end of the block, he would have to stop to change directions.  And every time he would change directions, he would put more torque into the takeoff.  

I imagined him saying, "This is bullshit.  This isn't a real motorcycle." and throwing his bike down and walking away from it.  But, he didn't.  He pretended and believed it was his motorcycle.  And he was having a hell of a time.

I wonder if these thoughts happened to cross his mind.....

"My parents don't love me.  Because if they loved me, they would have gotten me a real motorcycle."

"What's the point of riding this bicycle?  This isn't a motorcycle and I feel like I'm settling."

"Will I ever get a motorcycle?"

"While everyone's riding their motorcycle, I'm just gonna be riding this slow-ass bicycle for the rest of my life."

"I'll never find the perfect motorcycle for me."

"I'll never make enough money to buy a motorcycle."

"What if I get married and have kids too soon and I won't have enough time or money for a motorcycle?"

"I'm being punished by owning this bicycle."

"What if I fall off and hurt myself?  What if I become handicapped because I wasn't careful?"

Can you imagine what would happen to Jack if these thoughts were alive in him?  Now, I don't know Jack but, I suppose he would stop riding.  He wouldn't have the time or energy to ride.  He would be too busy trying to figure out answers....the WHY's, the HOW's, the WHEN's, he would be too busy fighting with his parents, he would be too busy crying, he would be too busy screaming, he would be too busy worrying about his future spouse and kids, he would be too busy sleeping because he's depressed, he would be too busy self-medicating because the truth hurts, he would be too busy being a slave to his thoughts.  Ok, I don't for sure if he'd being doing all these things since he's only 6 or 7....like I said, I don't know Jack.  

But what I do know, I know I can easily get debilitated by my thoughts.  Thoughts are one thing.....believing in them is another.  The only difference between Jack and I is that I believe in my fearful thoughts.  

All fearful thoughts take you away from NOW. 

All fearful thoughts take away possibilities from the future.

 

Good news is, all fearful thoughts are just thoughts.  Just like "I think I can be the next Evil Knievel".  Jack probably believes this thought over the thoughts mentioned above.  

You have a choice.  You always have a choice.  Which thought will you believe?

So, my mantra/affirmation for the week.

I deserve to live a life of health and well being.  I effortlessly take action on behalf of my Soul's desires.

What's yours??

I hope Jack keeps riding his bicycle and gets his motorcycle one day.  I hope you get yours too.  :)

A lil something I wrote...

I realized something.

I.  Don't.  Know.  SH*T.

Life just became a little easier to live.  

I'm fine with not knowing anything.  

I'm fine with not expecting a single thing.

It's freeing.  

And if it's some thing,

I'm meant to know, I'll know.  

In its time.  

Not mine.

Maybe I'll never know.  

Maybe I already know.

But, I did realize something.

I.  Don't.  Know.  SH*T.

Have a prosperous week....however that looks to you.  :)

with LOVE, as always,

Alex

'Cherry Poppin Humpin Week' Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 4.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....




Now on to the main attraction.....

I think it's that time again.  Cherry poppin time!  With casting director workshops.  I haven't done these in some time now so going back to it always feels like the first time.

I don't know what it is but, I've been noticing some serious Resistance to signing up.  I keep pushing it off.  It's not like I don't know what to do....I know what type of research I would need to do so I invest my money wisely, I know where to take the workshops, I know what to expect, I know what's expected of me, I know and yet the whole thing seems daunting.

Something in me is scared, I feel it.  I'm afraid I'm gonna suck.  I'm afraid I'm gonna be underprepared. I'm afraid of the inner battles I'm gonna undergo because of my fear of being underprepared and sucking.  I'm afraid to meet new people.  I'm afraid to make a mistake.  I'm afraid to come off too needy.  I'm afraid of coming off too aloof.  I'm afraid that I might want it more than I'd like to allow myself.  I'm afraid of possibly being tardy for it.  I'm afraid that everything I learned at Margie Haber's for auditioning and cold reads will go out the window and I will be lost.  I'm afraid some part of me will plot to self-defeat and I will be defeated.

Something in me is angry too.  Why should I?.....I am an artist and I have writing to do!  Why should I?......I want to make my own stuff!  Why should I?.......I don't want to audition forever!

This is what I'd like to call.........a tantrum.  An inner tantrum.  No one else can see but, it's happening, sometimes violently inside me.

The good news is, I've been here before.  This place of 'beginning', a 'start'.  And I know that with any change, you have to get over a hump.  I hate getting over humps.  They're so annoying.  The humps require of you your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual commitment.  Funny, I can see who's doing the talking right now...the part of me that wants to stay in my comfort zone.  And it's not really about failing...it's about succeeding.  The part of me that's afraid of change.  The part of me that is afraid that I just might book jobs and my schedule will change. The part of me that's scared that I'll have to really grow up and step up.  The part of me that's afraid to make decisions.  The part of me that's afraid I will lose control of something.  The part of me that's afraid to really start making money.  The part of me that's afraid to know that I will have to let go or let live something I may not be ready for.

Are any of these fears true??  Yes and No.  Yes, because they are real.  They're real because I'm thinking them  and I'm feeling them.  But, are they TRUE??  No.  Because it hasn't happened.  I'm just projecting my fears of the past and now on to the future that I have no idea about.  Jeeez, I do this in relationships too.

Okay, I'm getting some clarity now.

I guess, check back next week to see which workshop I signed up for.


Any cherry poppin and/or hump(s) you want to get over this week?   Gotta get my mind out of the gutter.  ;)



with LOVE,

Alex

'The Public Self vs. The Private Self'. "Live Shows, Here I Come!" Week 3.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  To my relief, I finally started backing up my blog.  Good God.  This has been on my mind forever.  Hallelujah.  For those of you using Blogger as your blog platform, note to self:  you don't own any of your own writings.  Back it up somewhere else.  If Blogger disappears, your blog disappears.  I had a scare once, remember?  Curious?   Click here for video I made about it.




Now on to the main attraction....


I'm writing my next spoken word story.  It begins with, "Can I tell you a secret?"  My last story (click here for video) started with that too.  I think that will be my tag from now on.  Yessssss!  It's perfect.



I was wondering......do you find it easier to be vulnerable with an audience than with one person, someone close to you like your significant other, best friend, or parent?

The Public Self vs. The Private Self......are they different?  Should they be?

I promised myself that I would always write with an open heart.  Act with an open heart.  And I have.  But, am I living with an open heart?  Am I disclosing as much of myself to the immediate people around me as I am to an audience and my blog readers?  I've hit a wall with my writing because this is what's consuming my mind right now.  I'm feeling guilty for not having the balls to actually say the stuff I'm writing about.  There's a spoken word/storytelling show called "Don't Tell My Mother".  I neeeeed to get into this.  Practically all my stories are, 'don't tell my mother sh*t!'  

I remember when Margaret Cho became mainstream.  I did not get her.  I didn't think it was funny one bit the way she used her mom to get laughs.  I thought, "Wow, why don't you stop picking on your mother and actually talk about funny stuff."  Now? I love her.  I think she's brilliant.  I think she's courageous.  "Wow, I see how much you love your mother."  It was like she brought her mom on stage with her every time.  She wouldn't be able to bring her mom on stage unless there was love and understanding there.  That's what I have to keep reminding myself when I feel guilty about talking sh*t.  I'm not really talking sh*t because I'm talking sh*t with love.  I really am.

I don't know.  The freer, the wilder, the more provocative I get with my writing, the more I question whether I am my full self through my art only.  I feel like I'm living vicariously through my alter egos.  I write about loving deeply, feeling deeply, forgiving deeply, healing deeply and all the while, I don't exemplify this as much as I'd like.  Who knows when the guy I'm dating will even see me cry....unless I'm on stage.  You see what I mean?  Those who are in and out of my life on a daily basis.  I push off conversations for later because I know you'll be around tomorrow.  I assume if we both just sweep it under the rug, we'll eventually get over it.  I get a whale stuck in my throat and my voice shakes every time I say, "I love you", "Thank you", "I'm sorry, forgive me", "I felt hurt and sad when you ______", so I don't say it enough.  

I have been getting better at this.  Becoming more open, candid, vulnerable, and intimate with those close to me.  No more shrugging my shoulders and saying "whatever" and then running home to my voodoo doll.  I'm all grown up now.  I'm gonna tell it to your face and then run home to my new voodoo doll, my laptop and write about your ass.  :D

Perhaps it's because I'm becoming more open, candid, vulnerable, and intimate in my writing.  It doesn't matter if I'm ballsy just on paper.....that will somehow translate into my being ballsy in person.  And what the hell?  Maybe some things are just better said and left on stage.  Maybe bringing it into my private life may be unhealthy or dangerous.  I don't freaking know anymore.  Honestly, I don't even know if it matters all that much now.  Hahahahaha.

Oh goodness.  Guess another visit from the good old Ego.  I'm noticing my Resistance to writing right now.   Hey Ego, thank you for your unsolicited comments and suggestions today but, I've got some writing to do.  


Any thoughts?  Do you think I'm going crazy?  Or are you?  I'd love to know.  ;)


Have a great week!




with LOVE,


Alex

'Less Is More'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 1-2.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  I added a new blog to My Blog List.  =====>  Look to right sidebar.
Let's welcome Script Doctor Eric!
Who needs help writing scripts???  Be sure to check out his blog and site.  Also, remember when he and TV Wet Nurse Matt invited me to be a guest on their radio show, Scriptcast?  No??  Whaaaaat....check this.  For the actual interview in full length, you can download it for free on iTunes.  Click Here to download interview.  I am episode #54.

*  New Goals for 2013
Top priority for this year......writing and performing my own stuff.  I want to do 5 spoken word shows and 5 stand-up shows.  That's almost one show a month!  I don't know if that's being lazy or over zealous.  Who cares.  It feels good to me.  Then, I want to book some tv shows.  Co-stars or guest-stars.    I want residual checks, damn it!  Lots and lots of them so I don't have to worry about money and just work on creating what I want.  Financial freedom for 2013!





Now on to the main attraction....


My genius, my daimon, wants me to try something.  Work with me on this, Dear Diary.  The last couple months, my entries have been sporadic.  I'm sorry.  Whatever the reasons or excuses, I'm ready to be consistent with you again.  However, under one condition.....I won't be spending as much time with you.

Last year, I published you every Mondays.  I would start a post on a Friday/Saturday and work on it all damn weekend.  Do I really need all damn weekend to write one post?  Hell no.  So I'd like to change that this year.  I'd like to work on you Mondays ONLY and publish you on Tuesdays.  I want to be more efficient with my time.

This doesn't mean I'm any less committed to you....if anything, I'm making more of a commitment because I'm completely present with you for the time we are allotted.  When I have all damn weekend with you, I don't fully devote myself to you.  I do some half ass writing here, half ass writing there, and then I get up early Monday morning and bang it out under pressure.  And because of the pressure, I would feel like I'm fighting you and then I would resent you for making me feel like a bad writer, blogger, actor, artist, entrepreneur, etc.  This has been my process...this has been my pattern.

I no longer want to feel like a slave to my art.  I no longer want to wait for inspiration to strike to work.  The perfectionist in me doesn't want to begin until I have the perfect thing to start with.  The perfectionist in me doesn't want to finish until I have the perfect thing to end with.  Waiting......waiting for inspiration, waiting for something better, waiting for approval.  Waiting and procrastinating can kill an artist.  This isn't the kind of writer I want to be.  This isn't the kind of artist I want to be.  This isn't the kind of human being I want to be.

What kind of writer, artist, and human being do I want to be?  Well, definitely an alive one.  Then a free one.  A self-empowered one.  A self-aware one.  A happy one.  A peaceful one.  A disciplined one.  A committed but not so serious one.  A giving one.  A happy to receive as well one.  A courageous one.  A funny one.  A laughing one.  A provocative one.  A badass one.  I think I'm already all of these.  ;)

As a professional, I'm giving myself some credit.  I don't need all damn weekend to write a post.  I just need a day....maybe I'll get so good that I will eventually only need a couple hours.  I want to be able to give myself to my other writings more.  I want to do more spoken word shows.  I want to do stand-up.  I want to write my own shorts and features.  That's just what I want to do.   And I'm figuring out ways to make that work.

So, Dear Diary, I'm changing up our dynamic a bit.  I think it's for the better.  Who knows....maybe I'll only get to write one word next week, one line, or go off on a tangent......who the heck knows but, I want to try and see how it goes.  Thank you for understanding and thank you for listening and loving me unconditionally.


If you can't fail, what would YOU try??



Have a wonderful week peeps.


with LOVE,

Alex