Say cheese Bells! Look at my Bell's face. Me thinks I may be a smothering mother. ;)
Dear Diary,
I have set new intentions with my entries to you.
I see these as not only love letters to myself but, they're also an offering to you. Writing to you is spiritual for me (Spirit, Ritual). I will bring back to you weekly, what I have learned and collected through using my gifts and talents. I will USE and CREATE with what I have been given and give it right back. Deal?
I took new head shots this past week with John, Click West Photo. I shot with John a couple years ago and LOVED the pics...but, that's when I had short and curly hair. Remember? And I got a 'do' change shortly after so I couldn't use the pics for too long.
Now, with another hair change..needed to update some photos. I feel like I change as a person every 6 months to a year and I'm always experimenting or reinventing myself.
Sam Christensen, the personal image guru, refers and recommends John. I agree. First of all, John's got a great vibe..he's fun and professional. And he's got an awesome place smack in Hollywood. I love his composition and lighting. I got a brief preview after the shoot just to have an idea......let's just say, I'm excited!!!! I will post my new head shots next week.
Some behind the scene pics from shoot. Don't it look like fun?
Hollywood.
Drove to Burbank too. It was fun driving around, getting off, taking pics..driving around, getting off, taking pics. I was born for this sh*t. ;)
You can even rock climb, if you want.
I'm coming out of a funk...slowly but, SURELY. It was triggered by the break-up with the last guy I was dating but, now I see it was the only way for me to discover these parts in me that needed some love...self-love, self-compassion.
Suzanne has me writing a lot..and something that keeps coming up..I can easily find and have compassion for others but, not for myself. Was skeptical because I KNOW I've been working on this. But the more I write and let it flow out of me...with tears these days, I see how I emotionally attach myself to 'stories', and I am very hard on myself. I see it. Wow. Makes my heart hurt again but, forgive yourself. It's ok, you can start again right now. Be kind to yourself right now.
I went to 4am Kundalini meditation again Friday with my friend Erika. I'm grateful for you lady that I have someone to go with.
This was our second time going....we felt so wonderful after our first that we agreed it was totally worth getting up at the crack of dawn to recalibrate the mind, body, and soul.
This time...felt like sh*t. I was cursing the instructor (in my head) the whole time..."Why the f*ck are these exercises so long today? What is up with this long ass mantra? I'm hungry, I am so hungry right now, my stomach's growling, I can't even concentrate. This needs to stop right now. I'm gonna need you to shut up please. Be done already. I don't remember it being this long the last time? This guy sucks."
I was tired as hell after. Wanted to go home and take a nap. Got home and opened up the good old computer...saw the homework for Suzanne, still not done. Things were keeping me from getting to it sooner. Inner friggin conflicts. I'm completely admitting to my Resistancessssss. Because I ended up writing and bawling for 6 hours straight with 15 min breaks here and there. Dang. No wonder I was avoiding it.
Even let out some sobs in class with Suzanne. It was just uncontrollable for some reason. Suzanne said e'motions' need motion....they need to flow. When it doesn't move, it becomes a disease. It took me 6 hours to release some energy that needed to flow. I'm sure the kundalini and meditation opened up a flood of emotions. Of course I wasn't feeling good.
I've committed to acting a long time ago, or so I thought. Because things are holding me back. Like my inner conflicts. I have "I don't deserve", "I'm unloveable", "I'm not worthy", "I'll be punished", etc...stories in my head. Where did they come from? Why am I still carrying them? How can I let them go? How will I benefit from letting them go? The inner conflicts are what I'm working through now. Patiently.
But, here's the Catch 22. While a healing, a change, a growth is taking place....it ain't looking pretty. Some days it feels like an exorcism, other days it feels like I'm a walking zombie. Taking action on behalf of my dream gets real difficult but, I'm doing it because it's for my survival right now. One thing I learned from Steven Pressfield's, The War Of Art, heal through your art. Don't wait to heal first to get started. As an artist, I'm meant to heal through my art.
Suzanne has been extremely encouraging. I can feel how much her heart believes in me and it makes me want to cry. Everyone deserves a teacher who believes in you, who is excited about your work and and your life, who gives you wisdom, who gives you a safe place, who sees YOU and allows you to be YOU. When we get together, we're never short of energy or ideas. It's a magical synergy and I get more excited about stand-up. I really think I can be good at it. Like reeeeeally good at it. Can you believe I can totally see sold-out shows to massive venues? No joke. It'll organically turn into one of my goals...a One-Person Show.
Oh hell yes. I see it already. It'll have a little kundalini, a little pole dancing, great story, great lighting, great costumes, great hair and make-up, great music, great EVERYTHING! We'll all hysterically laugh together, sob together, learn together, heal together. I want to feel the magic of creating and expressing something from my heart, and connecting with others. I hope to learn about life and myself a little more through each performance. Wow...it'll be amazing. One day.
Until then, I will trust that day will come. It's already here if you think about...think about it....there, it's here! Huuuhhhh??? You have to hear me say it,...it makes sense when I say it.
I'm going to live as if it's here...or at the very least, it's about to come any freaking second. Sometimes I feel this so fervently that it shoots an excited/scared feeling through my body and Soul. I mean, do you realize ANYTHING can happen? Omg...the possibilities are just endless. I can't even imagine...seriously. Surprise me God/The Universe. :)
This excitement, this curiosity about all the wonderful possibilities awaiting me. It's all here, waiting for me. You know that Rumi quote, "What you seek is seeking you". One word. Yup.
I feel better now. Thank you Diary.
with LOVE,
Alex
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