Hi World. Hi Everybody. :)
I learned again what it means to let go of control and fear.
My first lesson.
I was driving Bells to the vet this morning. On the way, I saw a group (maybe about 15 children) of 1st or 2nd graders taking a walk as a class. They had matching t-shirts on and had 2 teachers/chaperones with them. I saw that and thought, "What? Only 2 adults with that many kids! 2 adults is not enough. Kids that age are capable of anything. OMG, I don't think I feel comfortable thinking about my future child going on a school trip...what if something happens to him/her?"
Then dropped my Bells off at the vet. She's getting her teeth cleaned but, they usually do a blood test before to make sure she's good to go under anesthesia.
I freaked out as soon as I dropped her off and got in my car. I always freak out whenever I take her to the vet or the groomer. I think of all these things that can go wrong. Hellish, let me tell you.
She'll be 8 years old this year...I've had her since she was 2 months old. I'm her momma and sometimes I take that too seriously. I love her so much, it can get a lil dysfunctional...like me freaking out whenever I have to leave her somewhere. I find it extremely hard to trust her under the care of someone else...because I don't think anyone else will ever love her as much as I do and won't take care of her as well as I can. And I go even further to believe that I will never be able to forgive someone if anything was to happen to her under that person's care. Heavy and dense feeling. And because of this, I'm sure I've kept her a little more sheltered than necessary. I didn't know what to do with all these painful and scary thoughts so I decided to call the guy I'm dating. He's someone I trust and respect in many ways. Yeah, he'll tell me everything is ok.
Wrong. Instead of sugar-coating and giving me the generic, "Don't worry, she's gonna be ok" answer, he went deeper and helped me see where this was coming from. Of course, I didn't want to hear this 10 in the morning. I just wanted to hear the lie, "Don't worry, she's gonna be ok". Guess you can't 'control' how and when you get your lessons. When it's time, it's time. Pun intended...is that morbid? :P
I have issues around loss and death. I have a strange relationship with it because sometimes I'm allowing of it in the most beautiful and profound way and other times, it paralyzes me and I go into a panic. Well, I'm acknowledging that fear...I'm giving it awareness...shedding some light on it. That's all I can do.
The need to control is a product of fear. In this lesson, fear of loss and death. Trust that death isn't the end or it isn't a loss.
My second lesson.
We had our FIRST ACCOUNTABILITY BUDDY group mixer yesterday (Sunday)! For those curious about what an accountability buddy is, click here for the post. It went extremely well. Thank you God/The Universe...and thank you to all the buddies for making it possible.
Prior to the mixer yesterday, I bumped up with my Ego for days trying to control what was happening with the group. How exactly was my Ego warring with me, you ask? Well, I'm a control freak...let me explain.
We have a Facebook group which started with 20 members. The FB group was started because I thought it would be the most quickest and efficient way to interact with one another. I noticed that many of us have the same goals so why not put everyone in touch with one another and see what magical synergy comes from it.
Here are some reasons why I thought an FB group would be cool...
* We mostly had similar goals...book something, get representation, create your own thing, get healthy, find love, etc... So I thought, "Oh snap, ok, we all want the same thing! We can do this together!"
* I join forces with one buddy a month but, the buddy submissions were growing. I wanted to connect with more people at once.
* Committing to some form of art as a way of life, it can get lonely...but, it doesn't have to be. We can share successes, fears, cheer each other on, set goals together and hold each other accountable.
* I believe in casting director workshops and I know it works if you want to book something. So, I wanted to put up workshop infos for other peeps that might be interested. And who knows...maybe we can even do it together to make it a little less nerve-wracking..cuz, let's face it..it can be.
* I watch lots of inspirational videos on youtube. I'm subscribed to lots of amazing e-newsletters. I read up on people I admire. I feed/nourish my mind with insights everyday and I wanted to share them because they have been helping me and working for me.
So you see, my intentions were good....I just wanted to add value.
But, here was Ego creating all sorts of inner conflict for me.
In the past, I've made some attempts to get a group going...I've had more failures than successes SO, naturally FEAR entered my consciousness and I was finding myself creating rules and restrictions to MAKE SURE THIS ONE SUCCEEDS. And as the group was organically moving forward and growing, I was thinking of ways to control the progress and growth because I wanted to MAKE SURE THIS ONE SUCCEEDS.
I wasn't feeling great thinking about all this....thinking about all the restrictions. Here are a couple of Ego-based rules I was concocting up in my head,
"I want to be a good businesswoman. I want to make sure I can use this to get more blog readers. One of the criteria for joining the group is to subscribe to my blog first so I can keep tabs on my blog traffic and capture more emails to add to my list."
"This group was my way of saying thank you to only those who have supported me and my blog so unless I somehow know for sure you've been reading my blog, you can't join the group."
Hahahahaha! Reading it on my computer screen right now as I'm typing, I totally see the 8 year old Alex. I know, it sounds childish but, believe me, it was so true for me. And I feel embarrassed even telling you guys but, I'm learning to be as honest and authentic as possible in this life. Eeeeek.
Good news is..or God news is I could hear my Higher Self telling me something else. My intentions were for the group to just BE. Let it BE organically what it's meant to be. (Oh Wow, I'm on Spotify right now and listening to random songs as I'm writing...guess what song is playing for me right now....Let it Be by Beatles but, Roberta Flack cover. Wow God. :*) You're funny).
I want to be a conscious entrepreneur. Yes, I'm a businesswoman, but, my intentions with my brand and business come from a spiritual place. I'm learning how to make decisions as a conscious entrepreneur but, I needed help with this one. I consulted my dude again. Again, he just asked me the right questions. He helped me figure out my intentions, more clearly this time. He helped me make a decision from a 'feel-good' place. I felt better. My body felt better. According to him, my energy felt better.
I feel lighter about the group without all the restrictions. It is what it is and I'm just grateful to each person who is a part of it. By deciding to be more inclusive than exclusive, the group got more people requesting to join now. I also have a partner now! I didn't have to do anything...it was just a decision and God/The Universe showed me a sign to let me know I was again in alignment.
There are still moments of fear but, it's only because I care about it with all my heart. My fear of failure and thinking it will be a reflection of me, was a story I kept telling myself so I wanted to control to MAKE SURE IT SUCCEEDS.
I love the group and the people who make it possible. And I realize that it's not mine to control but, maybe my part was to just bring the individuals together. And you see, I even feel good just writing that. My heart feels mushy and I feel a tingle in the air. :*)
Moments like this help me get back in communication with God/The Universe. Moments when I feel good and I can hear and feel my heart, I can close my eyes and still see everything....tell me I'm in alignment.
So, whatever fear that lives in you...acknowledge it. Know that it's there because you had to create it to survive. Love it and thank it. That's all you can do. Just the decision to give it awareness is the first step.
Have a FEARLESS week peeps!
with LOVE,
Alex
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