Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 13. 'Black List. Who, Me?!'

Some magical news first.

*  I just wrapped my 4 day intensive Robert McKee seminar.  AND I had dinner with Robert McKee, his wife, Steven Pressfield, and Steven Pressfield's niece!  Ain't that the most random and meant-to-be event?  Wish I took some pics but, we were so busy talking!  :)  My review of the workshop will be next week's post.  Need some time to digest first.

*  I'm almost at 10,000 views ya'll!!  Thank you so much!  As a thank you, I'm giving away another Steven Pressfield book!  It's called Do The Work, another bestseller.  It's the sequel to The War Of Art.  Do The Work was part of Seth Godin's domino project.  I'm telling you.....these books will change your life.  And this too is signed by Mr. Pressfield himself.  I'll let you know how you can win this life-changing book soon.  ;)



FYI, a little disclosure about this post....it's got profanity up the wazoo.


The craziest thing happened to me this past week.  A commercial casting director and director threatened to blacklist me.  Yup.  I didn't even know they still blacklisted.  Maybe they did blacklist my ass already, who the hell knows.

What happened.

I got a commercial audition this past week.  I went.  I got the callback.  I saw the shoot dates.  25th and 26th.  Schedule conflict.  My last day of Robert McKee seminar was the 25th and I didn't want to miss it.  I even emailed my agent weeks in advance that I would not be available  for 4 days (22nd-25th, Thur-Sun).

Well, hop, skip, jump to the day after the audition.  After seeing that it would be a schedule conflict for me, I called my agent to tell her that I didn't want to go to the callback.  Just in case I booked it, I didn't want any problems.  She advised that she would let them know that I wouldn't be available the 25th and that I go to the callback since there's a chance that if I do book it, I may only have to shoot the 26th.  Yeah, she was right.  I made my decision to go and hoped for the best.

What do you know.  I book it.  And instead of shooting just one day, the director loved me so much he wanted me for all 3 spots!  The pay, $500/day...and now I was booked for a $1500 job.  But, here's the thing...the shoot dates were as follows, 25th, 26th, 27th, and 28th as weather date (rain was in the forecast).

Uh oh.  25th.  Problemo.  My agent called, texted, and emailed me that I call her right away.  I did.  The casting director and director were pissed at me.  Actually, they were furious with me.  They told my agent that this was completely unprofessional of us and they were going to blacklist us.  I even had the casting director call me personally and leave me a message.  And not a very nice one.  She said to me that if I was a professional actress, I would know better to take a job over class.  She said I would be making $1500 and I should choose wisely.  How does that sound to you guys?

Now I was pissed.  I couldn't believe what she was saying to me.  Here's what my Ego was saying,
"How dare you f*cking threaten me?  I don't give two flying f*cks who you are.  $1500?!  What the f*ck do you want me to do with that?  This 'class' costs me $900.  That's what, like really making $600.  What the f*ck do you want me to do with $600 that's gonna change my life.  Little do you know, this 'class' is a bigger investment, this 'class' is gonna make me millions because I'm gonna write my own sh*t, instead chasing wages and jobs around town.  F*ck that sh*t.  So I don't need your f*cking $1500, you can take that sh*t and shove it where the Sun don't shine."

Then I realized I was feeling too emotionally attached to all of this.  Don't get me wrong, I could absolutely use the $1500 and I would be grateful for it.  And why was I getting so angry?  My agent and I did everything we were suppose to.  We followed all protocols and we didn't do anything wrong.  If anything, I understood why the casting director was so mad.  She didn't check the note that my agent sent with the callback confirmation.  She said say so herself.  She didn't check to see that I wouldn't be available on the 25th.  She dropped the ball and didn't know how to do damage control.  So, she threw a temper tantrum instead, because it was her ass on the line.

One thing I learned in Robert McKee's seminar about characters.....you really get to know the 'character' of your characters by putting them under pressure and seeing what choices they make.  I learned about this woman's character.

I told myself, "You know what Alex....just work with people you like.  Just work with people you like and let this all go."  And I did.  I get a call the next day saying that they still wanted me and were willing to work out a new schedule.  Crazy, right?!  I confirmed with my agent that I was good to go with the new shoot dates.  Then I realized an hour later while sitting in my seminar, "Oh sh*t dude...check your calendar."  I opened my calendar and saw that I had another schedule conflict with one of the new dates!  What the!  Oh gosh...NOW what do I do?  We won't take a break for another hour!  I was itching to run out to call my agent.  But, I sat there.  As bad as it felt, I sat there to let all the uneasy feelings move through me.  I wanted to make peace with it for myself first...I didn't want the quality of my peace to be determined by someone else's decision or words.

Break time.  I called my agent.  I took a deep breath.  I was scared....not because I was afraid of what the casting director and director would say now but, because I didn't want to put my agent through another hellish phone call.  I cared about how my agent would feel.  I apologized.  This was completely my fault...an honest fault, but, mine nonetheless.  What can you do at this point?  We had to do what we had to do.

So, there's another girl shooting that commercial.  You know, it was meant to be her all along.  And I was meant to be learning about writing and having dinner with the McKees and Steven Pressfield and his niece.  I just had to go through this to learn a thing or two.

And hey, I take it as a compliment that they're so mad at me.  They're so mad at me because they couldn't have me.  Shiet.  That's what I'm talking about.  I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, I don't feel like I lost out on anything, not for nothing, I see what I'm really worth.  Spiritually, I remembered my worth, business wise, I just got more expensive ya'll.  ;)

And in case, you're wondering if I could have worked out the 2nd schedule conflict.....yes and no.  But,  really, no.  I booked a feature film with a director whom I respect and admire.  Even though it's non-paying, I want to build relationships and work with people I actually like.  And at the end of the day, there are casting directors and directors who know I'm as professional as they come.  I'm meant to work with them.  I'm sticking to what feels right to me....doesn't matter even if you dangled money in my face.  I'd just say, 'Get that sh*t out of my face'.  I just learned about my character.


Have a great f*cking week peeps.  ;)



with LOVE,

Alex

Guest-Star, Here We Come! Week 12. 'Your choice this week!'

I have two posts this week.  It's your choice.  

*  Click Here if you want to read about how to get better with auditioning for one-liners.

'The Giving Storyteller'

*  Click Here if you want to read about what's going on with my love life.  I know.  Writing is healing, writing is healing.  :)

'My Lessons on Love'

Have a wonderful week everyone.  

with LOVE,

Alex 

'My Lessons on Love'

I had to write this post because it's happening now.  It's hurting my heart now.  It's making me angry now.  It's helping me realize to 'let it go' now.  It's ALL happening NOW.

I feel like I'm performing an exorcism on myself.

I just received a phone call from the guy I'm dating.  He's experiencing curiosity with other women.  

One of my worst fears of all time.  My significant other telling me he wants to see other people.  There I said it.  It's out of me.  As it shivers down my body.

What do you do with this information?  I immediately felt my body's reaction....my breathing became very shallow, my face was getting hot, and I could feel all the cells in my body tingling and extra sensitive.  I wanted to strike back.

But I didn't.  I listened first and then thanked him instead.  Why?  Because of who I AM now, who he is now, and what we have now.  

A lil backstory on Alex's precious heart.

When I was 13, I met a boy.  I was a big church girl growing up and our youth group would put on a show once a year, called Jubilee.  David, the boy I crushed on, was three years older, and he was one badass drummer.  I remember he looked different and more mature than other boys I knew.  He had longer hair, baggier jeans, but, he wore glasses so he was a perfect combination of bad boy meets intellectual.  

I just wanted to be his girlfriend so badly.  For 3 years, I never told him, showed him how I felt.  Instead, I just wrote everything in my diary.  

This is pretty much what I wrote every night before going to bed.

"Dear God,

I love David so much.  I want to marry him one day.  I think we would make the perfect couple.  I am praying to you to make him my boyfriend and I promise you that even though he breaks my heart, I will never ever blame you, because I asked for it.  Thank you and in Jesus name I pray, Amen."

There you have it.  I was fearless about love.  I put my heart on the line...the experience of being with David, good or bad, surpassed my fears about getting hurt.  

After three years of saying and writing the same prayer every night, David and I were boyfriend and girlfriend.  Yaaay!  Now, a year of pure bliss...then....change.  In the second year, David called me about once a month telling me he needed to go on a 'break' and think about what he wants.  He said, 'don't call me, I'll call you'.  I cried and cried.  My poor college roommates.  I remember when I worked for ZARA in New York, I was ringing up a customer and there was a huge line behind her.  All of a sudden, I felt my eyes get really hot and I just busted out in tears.  My manager came and threw me in the hold closet.  Then two weeks go by, he calls and says he's all better.  Yaaay!  Another couple of weeks of pure bliss, then...same thing.  I went along for this ride for a year.  No wonder I became an ice queen after that.  

I shut down.  I became the punisher.  I subconsciously and unconsciously punished men and found clever ways to control the situation so I didn't have to get vulnerable and get hurt again.  

But, one day I realized what I was doing.  I felt extremely sad that I couldn't open up...didn't know how to open up.  I wanted to surrender to the kind of love that's possible for me.  Surrender to ALL that comes with loving that fearlessly.  The sweet, painful, and inevitable paradox is that with love, there's loss.  With love, there's pain.  There's no escaping it.  

My mom's calling me right now.  I can't pick up.  It would break her heart knowing that her daughter's heart is hurting and angry.  But, I'm also growing in this time with myself so I hope she understands.  I'll call you tomorrow Mom.   

No escaping it.  But, there is a beautiful way to see it.  Even through the tears and anger.  I can't help but to see the lessons in life now.  I can't help but to trust God/The Universe more now.  I know in my heart that my lesson is to keep learning.  And trust that my life will happen exactly the way it's suppose to.  

So back to me and my guy now.  I don't know where this will go.  All I know is I am just grateful to him for opening up to me.  That's some vulnerable place you gotta go to, to tell somebody that, and I give him mad props on that one.  But, things are different now.  So, it really boils down to, WHAT DO I WANT?  Simple.

And it's what I really want, not what my Ego wants.  Because my Ego wants to say, 'F*ck you', my Ego wants to give him an ultimatum and say, 'If you don't know now, then peace out', my Ego feels betrayed, my Ego wants to be the one in charge and end things on my terms, my Ego wants to just shut down altogether, my Ego wants to curse him out.....and I'm letting my Ego do its thing at the moment...because it has valid reasons for feeling this way.  But I also understand that my Ego is triggered to want all this because it's scared.  This situation only triggered things in me that needed to come up...he and the situation is NOT why I'm feeling this way.  If anything, it's showing me where more healing can take place.  

I know I talk a lot about feeling your way through life.  Go with how you feel.  What does your body tell you?  Yes, I didn't attack back even though my body wanted to...but, that doesn't mean I denied any part of myself.  I knew why my body was reacting that way.   Because it was simply REACTING to my past wounds, my past Ego bruises, my past fears.  I wanted to RESPOND to him in a way that vibrated with my higher nature.  

What would I want from this man if I was going through what he's going through?  How can I be more compassionate to him and myself in this situation?  Because, the fact of the matter is, I still like him, he still likes me, and we still want to see each other.  We have an uncanny understanding of one another.  And what he's feeling is natural and I'm glad to be in on his thoughts, feelings, and experience.  I'm glad that he feels safe enough to express and share his private feelings with me.  Because let's be honest, I'm no angel.  I have feelings just like him...I just didn't have the balls to tell him.  He's teaching me a lot already.  

Even though a part of me wants to still 'punish' him and take it all away, never to talk to him again, at the end of the day, it doesn't serve neither of us.  I've had moments of observing our conversation, observing myself as a participant in the conversation and I knew that this was actually the best thing that could be happening for the both of us.  We're growing as we speak!  It's really a win-win situation because whether we're learning about one another to build something stronger together, OR we're preparing one another for what's to come.

I'm committed to growing and stretching in this lifetime as much as I can.  I may be going through a growth spurt of some sort...spiritually speaking, and I expect some growth pains to come with it.  Moment to moment Alex...moment to moment lil one.   

I don't expect anyone to love me exactly how I want to be loved.  If I believed that, then I'd only be setting those Souls up for failure.  I'd find a way for them to fail me.  Even just the thought of making someone the reason for my happiness...having someone make me his reason for happiness....too much pressure.  I used to think this was romantic....No Way.  The Perfect Love is between me and God.  Everyone else is a mirror of that love.  When I can release the need to make someone fit into my definition of who I think my partner should be, that's when Love becomes Love.  

Nothing ever stays the same for long.  Because our existence is meant for growth.  And growth doesn't happen when change doesn't happen.  I thank change.  I welcome change.  It's all opportunities for me to expand and see what I'm really made of.  

I got a feeling I'm on the right track.  :*)

To another week of opening up to Life and Love......have a great week peeps.

with LOVE,

Alex

'The Giving Storyteller'

I'm gonna get a lil Brooklyn with this post.  Cuz I'm feeling sassy.  :)



It's not always about you.

I know.  We, actors don't like to hear that very much, do we?  At least I don't.  Because it's always about meeeeeeeee!  ;)

No, but seriously, it's not.  It's about the STORY.

I started my Michael Testa workshop.  He's 1/2 of Shaner/Testa casting.  I'm doing his 3 weeker.  First week was one-liners.

Oh, the dreaded one-liners.  I actually like them now.  Why?  Well, logistically, there's less to memorize.  Then because it's not about me!

I used to drive myself crazy thinking about how I can make this one-line just stand apart from everybody else's readings.  'What creative, bold choice can I make to show them that I'm a good actress?  I bet everyone's gonna be reading it like this so, I'll just read it like that.  Oh, but, that feels too big...now that feels like I'm doing nothing.  Aaaahhhhh, I don't know what the f*ck to do!'

Truth is, it's one frickin line...and trying to make a masterpiece out of it, is futile.

You wanna be a working actor?  Here's the only rule you'll ever need to know, check your Ego.

Yup.  And I only say this because I'm reminding myself of this.

We're actors.  We're meant to be one part of the storytelling.  We think because we're the 'faces', our sh*t don't stink...wrong.  It's about team work.  It's about everybody on board, having a collective mission to tell the best story possible.  That's what writers do...they write and re-write until the best story comes to life.  That's what directors do...they visually connect you to the story.  That's what actors do...we bring life to the story.  That's our job, to bring that element to storytelling.  We're not the only storytellers...we are one of them.

That's why one-liners are so painful.  Because you feel like you need to maximize that one line and your time in the room.  Because you feel like you gotta show everything now because 'this is it'.  Because it's all coming from a place of lack.  But, these are all untrue.  You don't have to maximize anything....it is what it is.  You don't gotta show everything at once...leave them curious for more.  I'm hearing this twice in a month...first from Sam Christensen and the second from Michael Testa....YOUR JOB ISN'T TO BOOK THE ROLE, YOUR JOB IS TO BOOK THE OFFICE.

You can't squeeze all that dynamic person you are into one line.  Don't even try.  It's not about showing who you are, because that will naturally happen as long as your intention is to be a giving storyteller.  If you care enough about the craft and want to get professional about it...take an on-camera audition class.

And the next time you walk into an audition and you feel like you're all up in your head, check yourself and ask yourself, "How can I be a giving storyteller here?"    


Hope that helps you with some auditions this week.  :)



with LOVE,

Alex

Guest-Star, Here We Come! Week 11. 'Are Actors Flaky?'

Photo by Cammy Kinney Photography

Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design

I have a couple announcements!


**  Have you heard of MTT?  Master Talent Teachers.  Think of it as a 'virtual University' for us artists in the entertainment industry.  It's a 'one-stop shop'. 


"MTT is a group of successful talent teachers with long and illustrious careers who have come together as a creative, synergistic group to pass on our recipes for success to you. We are a creative eclectic mix of gender, age, ideology, approach, disciplines and expertise.  We are not offering “get rich quick” plan or a “ten easy steps to success” program.  Better yet,  MTT offers important craft and career training as well as how what we teach continues to thrive in the constantly evolving world of entertainment.  By sharing our stories, tips, methods and ideas through exclusive new web videos and articles presented two or three times a week, as well as featured content from a pool of hundreds of entertainment professionals — the Master Talent Teachers will assist you in creating your path to success."


My friend Kevin McCorkle is one of the teachers.  He is the Career Coach.  He has an amazing blog.  He also provides great videos too.  For more on Kevin on MTT's site, Click Here.
And for Kevin's personal website, Click Here.




**  Have you seen the Kony 2012 video?  Click Here for the video.  I support the movement.  The Universe is giving us an opportunity for our generation to step up, raise awareness, and make a change in the world.  I think our generation, collectively has been asking for something like this...our Planet has been asking for something like this, to bring us together to help raise the level of our consciousness.  And thanks to social media, what we can do together is limitless.  I'm seeing new friendships come to life all around the world, via Facebook alone for this cause.  It's moving.  :*)





Are Actors Flaky?

Wanna know my opinion?  Hell Yes and Hell No!  We're just like everybody else but, we may be more prone to it...here's why.


First, here's a definition of Flaky...according to the Urban Dictionary.

flaky

965 up, 130 down

An unreliable person. A procrastinator. A careless or lazy person. Dishonest and doesn't keep to their word. They'll tell you they're going to do one thing, and never do it. They'll tell you that they'll meet you somewhere, and show up an hour late or don't show up at all. Also spelled "flakey", or "flake" in the noun form. She told me she would send me her pictures, but it's been 3 months and she hasn't sent me shit. She's flaky as hell.

Ok, guilty.  :P


But, I have more compassion for myself and others now because I think I know where it comes from.


I have legitimate reasons for 'flaking' some times.  The other...mmmmm......20-30% (used to be 90%.... I know) is from FEAR.


I'll explain.  Tell me if you can relate to any of these...these were and are thoughts that go through my head after committing to auditions, acting related meetings/workshops/showcases, dating, going to screenings/parties, going to yoga class, writing my blog, etc....pretty much everything.

*  I don't wanna go now because.......I don't know what to wear.
*  I don't wanna go now because.......I don't know who is going to be there or what if I don't know anybody.  
*  I don't wanna go now because.......I feel unprepared and I don't know what their expectations of me will be, so I don't want to go.
*  I don't wanna go now because.......What if I make a mistake?  What will they think of me?
*  I don't wanna go now because....... Eh, it won't kill me if I miss it. 
*  I don't wanna go now because........I just NEED some time for myself.
*  I don't wanna go now because........I don't even know if I want to do this anymore, or want this anymore.
*  I don't wanna go now because........I don't feel so good anymore.
*  I don't wanna go now because.......I've been pushing _______ off and I want to do it now.
*  I don't wanna go now because........So and so is gonna go, or not gonna go anymore.
*  I don't wanna go now, I don't wanna start now because........(Fill in the blank with any other excuses you can think of).


Whether you flake on others or on yourself, flaking is flaking.  Great, now you have some awareness around that....now, let's see why the behavior exists and how we can make peace with it.




Many times these questions overwhelmed me to the point that I then started asking these questions before committing to anything, which kept me from committing, at all.  I was afraid I'd want to flake later so I wouldn't even give it a chance!


Whoa.  You can get stuck here.  And it's a rough place to be stuck in because you know you want to be more active and proactive.  And you know if you aren't, you are the only one to blame.  Well, I'm here to tell you, no.  It's not YOU.  


Yes, it comes from you...a fearful place in you but, it's not YOU.  


What are you afraid of?  Are you afraid to fail?  Are you afraid to succeed?  


Because YOU ARE completely capable and ready for what's already here, and for what's to come.   But you already know that, don't you?  Deep down, I know you know.  ;*)


For years, I didn't feel ready.  I was scared of everything.  I was scared of everybody.  I couldn't seem to follow through with things.  Luckily, I didn't burn too many bridges.  I got pissed at myself about it....a lot....but, made up legit-sounding excuses for each.  Thought everything was fine and dandy until they all added up and then........depression.  


This is the clever thing about Ego...it started to tell me that I needed to get out of my depression first and then I'll be ready.  This is something I learned from the book, The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.  One of the ways Resistance gets you is to get you to believe that you have to heal before you begin your work.  Wrong.  Work through your healing.  Whenever you wait for the perfect moment to come, you're missing the perfect moment right now and you'll find yourself forever waiting.  


So, I started small....and instead of pushing myself to get 'acting' things done (which just got me feeling overwhelmed, tense, and heavy), I subscribed to TheDailyLove.com  and I began reading it every morning.  I realized that any change is change.  I started to read more books, I started to watch more youtube videos on people I found inspirational and successful.  Although it had nothing to do with acting, it had everything to do with it.  I discovered lots of uncharted territories within myself...what I liked, who I related to, whose ideas resonated with me, what I believed in....all this helped me gather pieces of myself and l came alive again.  This is important for us artists to have an intimate relationship with ourselves.  


And then I started this blog to hold me accountable every step of the way.  And I used it as a way to document and create while I was healing.  This is when I went Pro.  The reason why I LOVE the book The War of Art so much, it taught me the difference between an amateur and a Pro.  Get the book, read it and go Pro.  


Warren Buffett, one of the biggest Pro and richest man in the world said, 'Build Habits of Success'.  What are your habits of success?  What's your work ethic like?  What time do you get up in the morning?  What time do you go to bed?  What's the first thing you do when you get up in the morning?  What's the last thing you do before you go to bed?  


For me, one major thing I wanted to change because it wasn't serving me or my career.....I wanted to get up earlier.  I used to go to bed reeeeally late and had no choice but to sleep in.  And I rarely woke up excited to get the day started.  Now, I wake up around 7am every morning...some days a bit earlier, other days a lil later...no alarm needed.  And I go straight to my meditation table.  This has changed everything for me.  I stopped telling myself that I'm a 'night person' and I committed to getting an early start on my day.  If you're thinking you can't get up early, trust me, you can.  I'm sure if all babies of the world thought walking would be impossible, we'd have a generation full of crawlers now.  You just gotta believe it's possible and do something everyday.  YOU have the power to make changes...any changes....all you need to do is decide and start.  And keep this mind....it takes 21 days to start a new habit, and 40 days to break one.  It takes time...just when you want to throw in the towel, just give yourself a little more time.


Other successful people (Tony Robbins, Les Brown, Russell Simmons, Jim Rohn, Oprah Winfrey) I admire have all said, 'Feed and Nourish Your Mind'.  So what if you're not doing anything specific for acting right now?  Something in you isn't driving you there...yet.  Go to where you get inspired and excited.  Start there.  And build a foundation.  Find something, anything you LOVE right now.  What piques your interest at the moment?  Read up on it.  Watch videos on it.  Research it more.  Get into a zone and lose sense of time because of it.  Use this downtime to recharge YOU.  Don't fear that you're wasting your time when you should be doing things for your career.  Bullshit.  Drop the guilt-trip and allow yourself to live and have fun.  It will all come full circle when you're happy.  Use the downtime to learn.  Jim Rohn, another exceptional speaker and teacher believes in 'Personal Development'....use the downtime to develop yourself....not every moment of our existence has to be about DO-ing.  Expand your mind, expand your Soul...it will only do you good.  Stretch yourself in ways you knew possible but, lied to yourself at times to psych yourself out of it.  


So, are you prone to being flaky like me?  Flakiness comes from Fear...not you.  Understand that, have compassion there, then commit to building habits of who you want to become.  Be patient.  Give change time.  


All you have to do is Be Ready NOW.  Don't worry if you'll be ready for the future.  Why burden the NOW with worries of the future?  As long as you're ready now, you WILL be ready for the future.  It's like killing two birds with one stone.  Morbid.  :P


Actually, YOU ARE READY.  Just trust and take a step.  If you need a hand to hold, here's mine...I'm doing it with you.  I know it's scary but, there is nothing to be afraid of.  Do you feel like you're in a dark place and you don't know if you'll ever get out because you don't know how to get out?  Do you feel like there are things about you that don't make you happy but, you're going to be stuck with them forever?  Nothing is permanent.  Change is inevitable.  Just decide what you want to change and do what you can for it everyday.  Let God/The Universe take care of everything else.  



I know it's hard at times to bring yourself out of your head and put some damn clothes on and walk out the door.  I know it's hard to write that follow-up letter and send it out.  I know it's hard to drink more water.  I know.  But, it gets easier.  It will get easier.  Those scary thoughts are just thoughts and you do have power over them.  Look at them.  Find emotional detachment from them.  Stand apart from them and observe them.  And breathe.  All is good in the world and everything is alright with you.  You will follow through and your heart and Soul will thank you.  Work with your Soul and see what's on the other side of your fear.  I bet you'll see it wasn't so bad...and you'll walk away feeling a kind of personal victory that will carry you on the next.



God/The Universe doesn't just give you opportunities and people to help you sometimes.  God/The Universe doesn't just give you opportunities and people to help you for a given time frame and if you don't take it then, then you're punished to not have it at all.  God/The Universe is always giving, always helping, and always loving.  It's just up to you to see everything as miracles and gifts.  It's like being a ninja...using your given resources to maximize the NOW.  And the more you expect to be a co-creator, a co-manifester, with God/The Universe...that's when crazy miracles happen.  ;)




You know one of my favorite quotes of ALL time by Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe....


“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”





Have a wonderful week Pros!


with LOVE,


Alex

Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 10. 'Letting Go Of Control And Fear'

Hi World.  Hi Everybody.  :)

I learned again what it means to let go of control and fear.  

My first lesson.

I was driving Bells to the vet this morning.  On the way, I saw a group (maybe about 15 children) of 1st or 2nd graders taking a walk as a class.  They had matching t-shirts on and had 2 teachers/chaperones with them.  I saw that and thought, "What?  Only 2 adults with that many kids!  2 adults is not enough.  Kids that age are capable of anything.  OMG, I don't think I feel comfortable thinking about my future child going on a school trip...what if something happens to him/her?"

Then dropped my Bells off at the vet.  She's getting her teeth cleaned but, they usually do a blood test before to make sure she's good to go under anesthesia.  

I freaked out as soon as I dropped her off and got in my car.  I always freak out whenever I take her to the vet or the groomer.  I think of all these things that can go wrong.  Hellish, let me tell you.  

She'll be 8 years old this year...I've had her since she was 2 months old.  I'm her momma and sometimes I take that too seriously.  I love her so much, it can get a lil dysfunctional...like me freaking out whenever I have to leave her somewhere.  I find it extremely hard to trust her under the care of someone else...because I don't think anyone else will ever love her as much as I do and won't take care of her as well as I can.  And I go even further to believe that I will never be able to forgive someone if anything was to happen to her under that person's care.  Heavy and dense feeling.  And because of this, I'm sure I've kept her a little more sheltered than necessary.  I didn't know what to do with all these painful and scary thoughts so I decided to call the guy I'm dating.  He's someone I trust and respect in many ways.  Yeah, he'll tell me everything is ok.

Wrong.  Instead of sugar-coating and giving me the generic, "Don't worry, she's gonna be ok" answer, he went deeper and helped me see where this was coming from.  Of course, I didn't want to hear this 10 in the morning.  I just wanted to hear the lie, "Don't worry, she's gonna be ok".  Guess you can't 'control' how and when you get your lessons.  When it's time, it's time.  Pun intended...is that morbid?  :P 

I have issues around loss and death.  I have a strange relationship with it because sometimes I'm allowing of it in the most beautiful and profound way and other times, it paralyzes me and I go into a panic.  Well, I'm acknowledging that fear...I'm giving it awareness...shedding some light on it.  That's all I can do.  

The need to control is a product of fear.  In this lesson, fear of loss and death.  Trust that death isn't the end or it isn't a loss.  

My second lesson.

We had our FIRST ACCOUNTABILITY BUDDY group mixer yesterday (Sunday)!  For those curious about what an accountability buddy is, click here for the post.  It went extremely well.  Thank you God/The Universe...and thank you to all the buddies for making it possible.  

Prior to the mixer yesterday, I bumped up with my Ego for days trying to control what was happening with the group.  How exactly was my Ego warring with me, you ask?  Well, I'm a control freak...let me explain. 

We have a Facebook group which started with 20 members.  The FB group was started because I thought it would be the most quickest and efficient way to interact with one another.   I noticed that many of us have the same goals so why not put everyone in touch with one another and see what magical synergy comes from it.  

Here are some reasons why I thought an FB group would be cool...

*  We mostly had similar goals...book something, get representation, create your own thing, get healthy, find love, etc...  So I thought, "Oh snap, ok, we all want the same thing!  We can do this together!"  

*  I join forces with one buddy a month but, the buddy submissions were growing.  I wanted to connect with more people at once.

*  Committing to some form of art as a way of life, it can get lonely...but, it doesn't have to be.  We can share successes, fears, cheer each other on, set goals together and hold each other accountable.

*  I believe in casting director workshops and I know it works if you want to book something.  So, I wanted to put up workshop infos for other peeps that might be interested.  And who knows...maybe we can even do it together to make it a little less nerve-wracking..cuz, let's face it..it can be.  

*  I watch lots of inspirational videos on youtube.  I'm subscribed to lots of amazing e-newsletters.  I read up on people I admire.  I feed/nourish my mind with insights everyday and I wanted to share them because they have been helping me and working for me.

So you see, my intentions were good....I just wanted to add value.

But, here was Ego creating all sorts of inner conflict for me.  

In the past, I've made some attempts to get a group going...I've had more failures than successes SO, naturally FEAR entered my consciousness and I was finding myself creating rules and restrictions to MAKE SURE THIS ONE SUCCEEDS.  And as the group was organically moving forward and growing, I was thinking of ways to control the progress and growth because I wanted to MAKE SURE THIS ONE SUCCEEDS.  

I wasn't feeling great thinking about all this....thinking about all the restrictions.  Here are a couple of Ego-based rules I was concocting up in my head, 

"I want to be a good businesswoman.  I want to make sure I can use this to get more blog readers.  One of the criteria for joining the group is to subscribe to my blog first so I can keep tabs on my blog traffic and capture more emails to add to my list."

"This group was my way of saying thank you to only those who have supported me and my blog so unless I somehow know for sure you've been reading my blog, you can't join the group."

Hahahahaha!  Reading it on my computer screen right now as I'm typing, I totally see the 8 year old Alex.  I know, it sounds childish but, believe me, it was so true for me.  And I feel embarrassed even telling you guys but, I'm learning to be as honest and authentic as possible in this life.  Eeeeek.

Good news is..or God news is I could hear my Higher Self telling me something else.  My intentions were for the group to just BE.  Let it BE organically what it's meant to be.  (Oh Wow, I'm on Spotify right now and listening to random songs as I'm writing...guess what song is playing for me right now....Let it Be by Beatles but, Roberta Flack cover.  Wow God.  :*)  You're funny).  

I want to be a conscious entrepreneur.  Yes, I'm a businesswoman, but, my intentions with my brand and business come from a spiritual place.  I'm learning how to make decisions as a conscious entrepreneur but, I needed help with this one.  I consulted my dude again.  Again, he just asked me the right questions.  He helped me figure out my intentions, more clearly this time.  He helped me make a decision from a 'feel-good' place.  I felt better.  My body felt better.  According to him, my energy felt better.

I feel lighter about the group without all the restrictions.  It is what it is and I'm just grateful to each person who is a part of it.  By deciding to be more inclusive than exclusive, the group got more people requesting to join now.  I also have a partner now!  I didn't have to do anything...it was just a decision and God/The Universe showed me a sign to let me know I was again in alignment.  

There are still moments of fear but, it's only because I care about it with all my heart.  My fear of failure and thinking it will be a reflection of me, was a story I kept telling myself so I wanted to control to MAKE SURE IT SUCCEEDS.  

I love the group and the people who make it possible.  And I realize that it's not mine to control but, maybe my part was to just bring the individuals together.  And you see, I even feel good just writing that.  My heart feels mushy and I feel a tingle in the air.  :*)

Moments like this help me get back in communication with God/The Universe.  Moments when I feel good and I can hear and feel my heart, I can close my eyes and still see everything....tell me I'm in alignment.  

So, whatever fear that lives in you...acknowledge it.  Know that it's there because you had to create it to survive.  Love it and thank it.  That's all you can do.  Just the decision to give it awareness is the first step.  

Have a FEARLESS week peeps!

with LOVE,

Alex