Visualize and Manifest! Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 35.

Photo by Click West Photo.

Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  Holy, Dear Diary!!!!  I'm gonna cryyyyy.  My stats/page views for my blog is going UP!  On average, the last few months have been 1000+ views a month!!  It used to be maybe 1000 a year.  I'm cryingggg!!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  :*)  :*)  

*  I started class with Suzanne!  I've been doing one-on-ones with her but, people have been asking her to put a class together, so she did!  And I got to test out my story for spoken word.  For the first time.  In front of people!  Aaahhhhh!  I'll be tweaking and tweaking.  I plan on rocking the house.  ;)  Suzanne is amazing..and it's a whole different experience with her in class.  She definitely sets an intimate, professional, and fun tone.  I walked out of there feeling like I woke up from a nap or something.  

If you're interested in working with Suzanne, feel free to contact me.  I will forward over her info.      

*  I know many of my lady friends are going through break-ups now.  My heart knows how that feels.  I read this recently in TheDailyLove and it elevated me.   Click Here for the post.

*  You know what I feel like doing?  I feel like putting up more fashion piiiiics!  I have a passion for fashion!  Let's be honest, I like to shop.  I'm a damn good shopper.  Actually, I'm a damn good bargain shopper.  I worked retail for a good chunk of my life...Zara, Coach, Emporio Armani, Louis Vuitton, and Prada.  I worked for some high end stores but, can I afford them now??  Hell no.  Not yet....at least not without the discounts.  

But, I can put together looks that look expensive.  People always ask me, "Where did you get that?"  So, I will keep a fashion log...I'll share my fashion 'secrets'....what I bought, for how much, and where you can get it.  I made some 'shopping haul' vlogs in the past but, editing is so time consuming...pics are quick and easy.  Plus, I plan on having my own fashion line one day so this will be a good step towards that.  Holla!

So, my first look!  Here are some pics and info if interested.

I recently went to the Hester Street Fair in Hollywood and bought a dress, necklace, and bracelet.  The vendors were awesome.  I LOVED their stuff.  And they were Korean!  LOVE.  :)

All pieces are available online only.

Dress:  Fleet Collection

$58

www.fleetcollection.com

Accessories:  SHOPPUBLIK

Necklace - $34

Bracelet - $20

www.shoppublik.com

  

Now on to the main attraction......

May I do a little visualization exercise???  

This is what I believe......you want something, visualize it.  And not in a general way...but, get as specific as you can.  And get your senses into it.  See yourself IN it, smell the smell around you, feel the air around you, feel your body, listen to the life around you.  

And then, once you've felt it all throughout your body, and your heart is filled with the joy of having it or being in it.................. LET.  IT.  GO.

That's how you manifest.  I know because I do it.  

 “But they say if you dream a thing more than once, it's sure to come true.”

― Walt Disney Company, 12 Princess Stories

“What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if,when you awoke,you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?” 
― Samuel Taylor Coleridge

“Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream.” 
― Lao Tzu

What's happening now is what I've been dreaming about as a child.  What I'm dreaming about now will become my reality in the future.  I have no doubt.  

Did you know that when I was about 10 years old, I was watching a Korean comedy show with my family.  Korean comedians are hilarious to me.  I love Korean humor.  Why?  I have no idea.  It just tickles my funny bone.  I think it's in their delivery...there's something so 'unexpected'.  

So, this show was either an improv or sketch performance and this one female comedian was rocking it.  She was so funny to me...the way she moved her face, her body, the way she used her voice...I was entranced by her.  I said to my parents, "When I grow up, I want to be like her.  I want to be funny."  My mom said, "No way José.  Female comedians have a hard time getting married...become a doctor or professor."  Blaaaaaaahhhhh.  

What am I doing now?  Hahahahahahaha.    

I never gave up.  I may have taken detours but, I see now that I have always stayed on course.  This makes me cry.  Because all those times I 'thought' I had given up...I didn't.  What I was really doing was building foundation so that I had solid ground to stand on.  

For example, I studied Journalism-Broadcasting and Announcing in college.  Did I really want to do it?  Kind of.  I thought I wanted to become a news anchor because then I can be on tv, and my family would be proud of me.  There was some compromising on my part.  I was also given an opportunity to intern for FOXNews but, I interviewed with ABC Daytime and went with them instead.  I knew it wasn't the smartest move at the time but, something possessed me to do it.  I got to read scripts!  Real scripts...and these were scripts that weren't even taped yet so I felt so cool.  I got to be around the movers and shakers of a world I wanted to be a part of.  I was happy.

Here's how funny God/The Universe can be.   

Guess who I played on Criminal Minds early this year?  Yep, a reporter.  Of course.  My parents got their wish, and so did I.  

Guess what I'm getting ready for?  Stand-up.

Guess where I live?  Los Angeles.

Guess who has a dog?  I do.

Guess who became a journalist after all?  Me.  I blog and make vlogs.

These are all dreams I had once upon a time.  Just like Oprah says, "You can have it all.  Just not at once."  

There were so many times where I felt like I had given up on my dream but, perhaps, my dream never gave up on me...that's why I'm here.  And who knows...in a couple hours from now, I may as well think, "F*ck, nothing's going right"....that's just part of being human.  But, in this moment...right now, I  AM GRATEFUL.

Instead of worrying 'When is it going to happen?', 'Will it ever happen?', and 'How will it happen?'......I'm just going to remember this.

Just like when I was 10 years old and I told my parents, "When I grow up, I wanna be.....", I'm telling God/Universe the same thing now.  I didn't expect to be a comedian right then and there.  No!  I knew I would have to wait till I got a little older.  I knew I needed time.  But, the one thing I knew for sure was that it was going to happen.  And that excitement would carry me to wherever I needed to go, meet whoever I needed to meet, say what I needed to say, see what I needed to see.  There's a reason why this is my favorite quote of all time.  

 Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.   Goethe, Johann Wolfgang Von

Take a deep breath, Trust, and Go.

So, I'm making new dreams now.  I'm visualizing from NOW.  Because, it's going to come true.  In its divine timing.  All I have to do is let God/Universe know what it is I want and let it go.  Just forget about it.  Because all you really need is to FEEL it while you visualize.  Just FEEL it for that moment and then let it go.  You don't have to hold on to that feeling all day, or all week, or all month.    

Here we go...here's what I'm visualizing and manifesting.  Kind of embarrassing but, what the hell. 

Alex Gets Nominated For An Oscar For Best Actress.  

It's a warm, sunny day....actually, nominations come out in January so it's a chilly day.  

It's a chilly day and I'm with my boyfriend.  F*ck it...let's make him my fiancé and we'll call him, Bob.  

Bob had just gotten me this ridiculously big rock as an engagement ring, the week before (I'll tell you about my 'Proposal' visualization another time.).....I'm thinking, 4 carats.  Done.  

4 carat Emerald cut diamond ring, and Bob wanted to take me to Big Bear for a weekend ski trip.  He loves to spoil me.  

We're driving around LA, going to Target, Sports Chalet, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, you know...getting ready.

It's about 3pm and we're in Target and Bob's in the electronics section.  I'm in beauty, picking up razors and toothbrushes.  

A woman with with a baby, stroll pass me.  I look over and make the baby girl laugh.  Cute moment.

I get a phone call.  My mother.

"Hi mom.  Yeah, Bob and I are at Target now."  My mother's voice is light and happy.  She's telling me about how all the relatives now know about my engagement and they can't wait for the wedding.  

She's already planning the guest list and when I'm going to start my dress shopping...overwhelming me...but, in a good way.

I pick up some razors and shaving cream..put them in my basket...and as I'm looking at different toothbrushes, I get another phone call.  

I look, my agent.  "Mom, can I call you right back?  It's Hayley."  We hang up and I click over.

"Hey Hayley."  Hayley's voice sounds like she just saw a ghost.  She says, "Where are you?  I've been emailing you, texting you........Are you able to sit down somewhere?"

"Sorry, yeah, I'm at Target right now.  Bob and I are getting ready for this trip...I was gonna get back to you.  Why?  What's going on?  Are you okay?  Something wrong?"  My heart beats a little faster.  I can feel goosebumps and the air against my face.  I'm breathing in and out through my nose and I can feel it traveling down to my stomach.

"You're a nominee."  She waits.

"Huh?  Nominee for what?"  Even though it's a dream I've been dreaming my whole life...it wasn't clicking.

"Oscar's Alex!  You're a nominee for Best Actress!!!"

My eyes fill up with tears but, I won't blink so I feel them just all collecting in my eyeballs...I can't see anymore because of the tears.  I blink, and as the tears rush down my face, I realize what I had just heard. 

It's like having another proposal happen to me.  I can't say anything but, just sob.  I turn to where the shaving creams are, press my face close up against it so I can let out some heavy tears without people seeing me.  I can smell the the sweet fragrance from all the shaving creams.  

"Hayley, I'm shaking.  For real?  You better not be pulling my leg right now or I'll come down to your office and shake the sh*t out of you."  

"It's real, sweetheart." she says.  "Why don't you take some time to let it sink in...and call me later."

"Ok.  Thank you."

I start walking fast, looking for Bob.  Bob's not in the electronics section!  Where the hell did he go?!  Bob loves Target so I always lose him there.  I check down all his favorite aisles.  Nowhere to be found.  Uggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!  

I call him on his cell.  He picks up.  

"Babe!  Where the hell are you?!  I've been looking everywhere for you!" I asked.

Bob says, "Well, I wanted to surprise you and find you first since you're always looking for me here.  I'm at the beauty section now."

I cry harder now.  My heart is about to explode because here I was trying to get angry with him and he was doing something sweet for me.

"Baby, what's wrong?  Why are you crying.  I'm sorry...just stay where you are, I'll come to you." he says.  

By this time, we're walking towards each other with our phones pressed against our ears.

I run to him, we're now by the 'home' section.  I tell him about my phone call.  He's happier than I am!  His arms wrap around me and I sob in his chest as he kisses my forehead over and over again while whispering, "I'm so proud of you and I love you so much."

Fade out.  :)

And there it is...And so it is.  

Happy Visualizing and Manifesting to all.  :)

with LOVE,

Alex

'Take a break'. Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 34.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

I think I will take a break this week from writing a full post.  My brain's a little tired.  Just feel like watching silly youtube videos and reading good quotes.  

So, that's what I'll share with you.

These e-cards can get a little annoying but, some are pretty funny.    

Here are some others....some crack me up, some put a warm feeling in my icy cold heart, some make me think, blah blah blah.....

And how cool is this?  I don't know what this means really but, it's happening on my birthday!!  December 3, 2012.

 Can you imagine what it would sound like here?

And I'd like to leave you with this video.  Buttermilk the goat.  When I saw this it made me think of my dog, Bells..then my roommate said it reminded her of me.  Guess me and Bells, we're cray cray and cute.  ;D 

Have a marvelous week.  

with LOVE,

Alex

'How To Handle Public Humiliation Like A Star' Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 33.

Photo by Click West Photo

Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.

*  I worked a fashion show event for a hush hush new reality show.  Hopefully they get picked up so I can be on TV.  ;)   My friend Love Collins was the wardrobe stylist so I got to model and walk the runway.  I got to wear three fabulous outfits but, only got pics with this one.  Here are a couple pics.  

Shout out to London, Melanie, Kamira, and Jalisa!  

*  I worked on some ADR (automated dialogue replacement - voice dubbing) for a SyFy movie!  We got to scream a lot.  It's a horror movie.  I'll let you know when that airs so you can look for my voice.  :)  Thank you to my friend Jason and Cherise for hooking it up.  It was awesome to be able to work with friends.  Here's a pic.

Shout out to Conroe, Alejandra, Jason, and Jeremiah!

*  Rest In Peace my dear Daegu gomo (aunt).  We miss you.  Dad misses you a lot. :*)

     This post is for you.  I know I have an extra angel watching over me.  Thank you.  

Now on to the main attraction....

I was so mortified this week.  

When I posted my blog post last week on Facebook, I decided to post a separate link to the teaser/trailer video I made for my Scriptcast interview.  I ended up posting the wrong link.  My meditation video went up instead.  

This meditation video was made weeks ago as an exercise from my stand-up coach, Suzanne.  She asked me to record myself during one of my morning meditations...she wanted me to actually say my thoughts out loud....to see if there was anything we can pull from there.  

There was A LOT to pull.  Material after material.  Suzanne said it was brilliant.  I was embarrassed by it.  I said some REAL sh*t.  So real that I couldn't even go back to watch it again.  It made me cringe to think I revealed that much.  I was vulnerable.

First of all, it was 7am.  I looked like 7am.  The lighting was horrible in my room that early in the morning.  Then, I go on to talk about everything.  About how I think about myself, how I think about certain people, how I think I did in class the night before, how angry I felt, how sad I felt, I even cried.  It's just one of those private moments that were meant to be kept private.  It was only suppose to be for Suzannes's eyes and ears.  

Guess God/The Universe thought differently.  

Because this private moment was on the web.  On Facebook of all places.  Thank God I checked the link I had posted to see if it was working...there it was, my 7am face popping up.  My heart dropped.  I refreshed the page...maybe it's just happening on my computer.  There it was again, my 7am face.  Noooooo!  I checked my Fan page...my computer was loading slowly.  WTF?!!!!!  Finally...click on the link......7am face!!  

My brain couldn't make sense of it.  How was this happening?  It's unlisted.  It's effin unlisted...how is this happening?  I didn't have time to figure out how...I just had to TAKE IT DOWN.  Youtube.  Open up Youtube again.  My slow ass computer.  Then slow ass Youtube.  Everything seemed to be working against me now.  

Sh*t.  A notification on Facebook.  Two people 'liked' it so far, and one smiley face comment.  F*******CCCCK!!!!!  

I finally managed to DELETE this damn video.  After what felt like eternity.

I didn't feel any better.  It was still out there.  It still got to a person or two.  I'm found out.  People are going to see a whole other side of me.  I was panic stricken.  I thought I was going to die.  Seriously.

I couldn't breathe.  I was afraid to look at my phone.  I was afraid to walk out the door.  I thought people were going to be standing out there waiting with mics and cameras...pointing fingers at me. 

People are going to see the real meeeeeeeeeee.  Nooooooooooooooo!!!!

I texted Suzanne.  She helped me accept the reality of it.  It was just another opportunity for me to learn about 'letting go'.  I told her, "I understand but, don't be surprised if I walk around with a brown bag over my head for the rest of the day".  She said, "Wonderful.  Have someone film it".  Uh, excuse me? I wasn't serious....but, she was.  She said consider doing it for 'research' for a spoken word story or stand-up.  I don't turn down a challenge.  

So, my friend Sean helped me film it.  Thanks Sean!

If you haven't seen it yet, the video is posted below.

I learned a few lessons.

#1  Make your private videos 'private' on youtube.  

#2  Whatever's happening is meant to be, because it is happening.  Let.  It.  Go.

#3  Be an artist and use the art.  Get creative.  Find a way to laugh about it.  It works.  :)

#4  In two words.....F*ck It.  :D

Have a great week.

with LOVE,

Alex

'Crashing From The High Sucks' Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 32.

Click West Photo with John Allen Phillips.

Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design.

Dear Diary,

*  New head shots Dear Diary!  John took the pics and Natalia retouched them for me.  I always have Natalia do my retouches...she's affordable and damn good.  For $30 a photo, she gives you two versions...one for print and one for web (thumbnail).  The web ones POP a little more.  Subtle differences to increase your chances of getting called in.  Why not.  

So, these are my picks and pics.  What do you think?  

Here's an example.  This one is for print...so, more natural.

This next one is more sharpened and colors POP a bit more.  

Some more photos.

Not bad huh??  I like'em...a lot.  Can't wait to start using them.  Let's get some love from them ok?...Holla.

Thank you Click West Photo and Natalia Fedner Design for your skillzzz.  :)

*  My social media world is blowin up.  ;D  I have a Fan Page now.  I mean business.  Feel free to 'Like'.  

Check this out!  I got tweeted this and it made my day!  Thank you Tania...girlfriend, you rock.   Sending you mad love!

THEN, I have two isolated incidences in the last two weeks where I got freaked out.  The first one because I found out someone made a 'ghost' profile page on Facebook as me.  With my pictures.  This person even made status updates pretending to be me.  But, no activity since April so I'm not too worried.

The second one because I have Google Alert.  Whenever my name is posted on the web, I get an alert email.  I clicked on the link...someone made a 'photo gallery' video of me on youtube.  Got all my pictures from the web.  

I'm doing a special 'Social Media Power Player' program with my creative career coach Dallas Travers and Therese Cator, founder of Theresesquared.com.  I was watching a training video and Dallas said you may encounter situations where you feel your comfort boundaries have been crossed.  This is inevitable especially if you're putting yourself out there via numerous social media platforms (like me).  Start getting used to it NOW.  She couldn't have said that at a better moment.    

SO, I'm going to be grateful for them.  Take them as a compliment instead of getting scared and angry.  I don't want to feed energy into what I don't want.  My accountability buddy this month and friend, Erika, said it's like someone making one of those 'tribute' videos you see on youtube of celebrities.  Hahahaha!  Yes, she's right..that's how I'm going to see it.  I'm affecting people out there.  F*ck yeah.   So, thank you to ALL the supporters and believers out there.  I'm not freaked out anymore.   :D

*  I put together a teaser/trailer for the Scriptcast podcast interview I did this past Wednesday.  I had so much fun.  Watching the video before or after reading the 'main attraction' will help with understanding what I'm talking about.  Here it is.  I think it's pretty badass.  :D

Now on to the main attraction....

What's that Eminem song where he says 'he's married to the game'?  Whenever I do something that's in alignment (I may not know for sure but, it just feels so damn good) with my purpose...with my dream...I get a high.  A natural high.

I watched something happen to me after the interview.  As I was driving home, I was still 'high'.  I spoke to my mom and my sister...they were complimenting me and I was complimenting myself so I was still feeling great.  Then we hung up.

All of a sudden, I felt like there was an itch I couldn't scratch.  I didn't know what to do with myself.

I had such a wonderful time doing the radio show that when it was done...I had all this excess energy that needed to go somewhere.  I went shopping.  Spent money I really didn't have to spend.  I came home and again, didn't know what to do with myself.  I started to get depressed.  I missed it.  That feeling.  I was now coming down from it...I was crashing.

Will eating this food or drinking this drink make me feel THAT again?  Will watching this movie make me feel THAT again?  Will I find something on the web that will make me feel THAT again?  Will smoking this make me feel THAT again?  I was feeling a void and trying to fill the void.

I watched all this again the next morning.  I woke up at 5:30am, meditated, and started on some writing.  The day before kept replaying in my head.  I just watched.  Without any guilt or shame.  I saw all the restless behavior arising in me was simply because I was trying to hold on to what felt good to me.

I would have beaten myself up for not using time productively.  Any pastime activities I engage in, I feel guilty about it.  I ate too much.  I watched too much TV.  I internet surfed for no reason too much.  I smoked too much.  Blah blah blah.

Not this time. This time, I understood myself.  I just wanted to stay feeling good.  I was afraid to lose that feeling.  Really, I was seeking balance.

Our natural state is neutral.  Not excited, not depressed but, there is a balance.  We are always seeking balance for us, within us.  And as you know, nature always knows best and will do what she's gotta do to get it.  Once I realized that my natural state isn't to actually stay high, I was able to let the experience just run its course.  Let the new energy flowing in me to just flow without judgment, without restrictions, without conditions.  Just let it travel through my body, my mind, and my heart.
 
I think the lesson here is to just FEEL the void...and not FILL the void.  Just feeling it and understanding where it's coming from.  That it's normal.  That it's ok.  And recognizing that I'm blessed to be pursuing my dream...and this will bring many overflow of energies I may not know how to direct just yet.  I'm learning though...I know because I now have awareness around it.  I'll probably start with breathing more on days or in moments where my adrenaline takes over...to help my body achieve natural balance as much as I can.

I'm slowly but surely preparing my mind, body, and heart for BIG things to come.  I'm getting ready.

Now take a deep conscious breath.  Nice.


Keep up the good work.   :D


with LOVE,

Alex