I just left a message for a Production Coordinator for this short film I'm suppose to be filming this weekend. When he calls me back, I'm going to decline.
They called me a couple of days ago saying I booked a role for their film...unfortunately, it isn't for the role I auditioned for. Instead, it's for a smaller, non-speaking part...."So, you'll be the nurse....she has no lines but, the director LOVED what you brought to the table, it's going to be great...great exposure for you....we'll be cutting to your reaction shots so even though you don't have lines..you'll still be able to express how you're feeling and you will definitely add depth to the scene.......blah blah blah."
Hmmm....
I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself and thank you but, no thank you but, why shoot the messenger.
So, I asked ALOT of questions...because you just never know. And yes, initially, my Ego was hurt. I should be Lead. But, I didn't want to make my decision based on my bruised Ego so I tried to stay open and positive. I asked him for a revised copy of the script so I can see what my character was about. I told myself that no lines is harder than having lines and I can make this work.
I read it last night.
Are you fucking kidding me.
This is my character....as a nurse........................"Nurse Danielle walks out of the room."
That's it.
I had to laugh it off. Great exposure my ass.
Do I sound like a Diva? I hope not.
Because I'm listening to my heart.
Of course the "right" thing to do here is to accept it with gratitude and pay my dues. I'm all for paying dues....however, I'm sick of doing the "right" thing. And, who says taking this is actually the "right" thing to do?
Do you know it took me 5 years to convince myself that I am worthy enough to play Lead or Supporting roles? I only allowed myself Extra roles. 5 years and I am still convincing myself everyday. Everyday I look up roles on LA Casting or Actors Access...and everyday I have to tell myself "You're good enough for this".
Now, I feel I'm good enough...eh, maybe not all the time but, let's say 75%. This switch in my psyche, I earned it. You need this if you're gonna make it.
I lived 26 years of my life with "Who do you think you are?" syndrome. This syndrome had a different name to me then....Humility.
Growing up in a Korean/Christian household, humility was instilled in me from early on. If I got a lil cocky, either someone would call me out on it or I would just negate it by saying...haha, I'm so funny, it was a joke.
But it wasn't a joke. I knew then what I know now. I'm good at what I'm good at.
I don't know if I like this being humble thing anymore. Actually, I don't even think it has anything to do with humility..it's borderline low self-esteem. Oh shit.
Years later, I made the move out here. I brought with me my borderline low self-esteem...which became one of the main ingredients for my resistance. YOU know and feel what you're capable of but, YOU are not ready, YOU only know how to dream and not execute, YOU are not realistic, YOU need to do this for _________, YOU always start a million things and never finish, YOU should move back home, YOU should have a back-up plan, YOU are not trying hard enough, YOU are not a good business person, YOU YOU YOU YOU YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
This psychological roller coaster is here to stay. I've just learned to manage it somehow.
No one or nothing can scare the shit out of me more than myself. I can be my own worst critic, my own worst enemy, but, I'm also my own bestfriend. And my bestfriend tells me the truth. She's no Pollyanna but, she does take care of all the bullshit and lies I tell myself.
I'm at a point in my career where I know my worth as an actor. I am no longer the actor that only allows herself Extra roles. I have ONE dream. I want to be a movie star. And I hope that by following my ONE dream, it will reveal what my life's purpose is really about.
This is why my dream is so precious. It's my only one and I feel way too connected to it. I will fearlessly protect it. I will fearlessly do what I have to do to keep it alive and going. It's my livelihood.
Yeah, if I listen to the 'humble' Alex, I would take the job and internally punish myself...OR, I can listen to my heart and enjoy the roller coaster ride. :)
From one dreamer to another,
Alex
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