Photo by: Jenny Yang
Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week....
* Hi Guys! I'll be adding a little fashion to the blog! I'm collaborating with my friend and photographer, Jenny Yang and we're going to do our version of #ootd (outfit of the day). I'm so stoked for this because I love shopping and fashion. Hell yeah!
* My personal website is still under construction. We're still working on logo and building each page. It's going to take some time but I can't wait when it's done!!
Now on to the main attraction....
I'm back from Texas, ya'll! Did ya miss me?
I had the best time ever. I spent the first week in Lamesa with my best friend Cammy, then the week after I flew to Houston and stayed with my baby sister. It was two weeks of non-stop action for me...photoshoots with Cammy, roadtripping with her and her fiance, hanging out with their family, then with my sister, another roadtrip and hanging out with her for her birthday. Got to check off some things from my bucket list, like riding a horse, shooting a gun (a live gun, peeps, not a prop), did a lot of water activities like kayaking and water tubing, and just hung out with people....I did what Texans do, how they do it, when they do it, and it was a lot of fun. I feel like I was from the South in a past life...there's something familiar about it to me.
But, not everything was familiar. Guys, I know I'm gonna sound naive here, but racism still exists.
I was born in Korea and grew up in Brooklyn. And Brooklyn has so many different ethnicities that if you said something racist, you're potentially starting a group thing because nobody fights alone back home. So, yes, I dealt with some racism, but those were squashed quick. And now I'm in LA...the most liberal, peace-loving state. I've been sheltered. Or have the ignorant people been sheltered?
And now with Mike Brown? The nation is sensitive. Well, almost.
Because if we keep using ignorance as an excuse....well, in my opinion, that's insensitive.
And when can you say it's ignorance or racism? Am I the one that's just being too sensitive here? These are questions I have to ask myself so I don't take on other people's shit. But, do I really have to? It seems unfair, but it is what it is.
For example, this happened here in LA, like not even a year ago...I started a new class. We were all going around introducing ourselves. It was my turn. After I said my name and what I wanted to get out of the class, someone asked me what my ethnicity was. (Honestly, this probably happens 70% of the time I meet anybody, or they take a guess at what I am....why?) Anyways, I said, "Korean." Another lady jumped in and said, "Oh, my son is dating a lovely Korean girl." I said, "Oh cool! Do you know her last name?" You know, since we all have the same last names like Choi, Kim, Park, Lee, etc.... She said she didn't know or she forgot and said this...."I'm so proud that me and my husband didn't raise our boys to be bigots." ???????????????????????? (blink blink blink blink).
Uh, ladies and gentlemen....I don't care if you're Korean or not, wouldn't you find it a little jarring to say the least? It gets better. She all of a sudden remembered something...."Oh wait, maybe she's Thai.", she said. Keep shoving that foot in your mouth, lady.
This was also in front of a class. It was so awkward, I felt bad for the both of us...seriously.
Ok ok, she was probably just ignorant or she was afraid to come off racist so she said things that actually backfired. Regardless, let me just tell you, when you're on the receiving end of racism or ignorance, or whatever the hell you want to call it...IT SUCKS and IT HURTS.
I was in Austin and this is what I heard, "Ooooh look at that Chinese girl..that Chinese girl is hot. Nay ho ma."
Now, before I respond/react to that.....take a moment, put yourself in my shoes,......how does that feel? You're just minding your own business, just Instagram stalking, and a group of douchebags walk by and say, "Oooh look at that Chinese girl..that Chinese girl is hot. Nay ho ma."
Then in Lamesa I heard the N word being used like the word "the", and not by black people, and they weren't following along to a rap song either. It was the word...in its purity. There were even new words made up that derived from the N word. I was shocked. "But, I'm here, right in front you, what makes you think that's ok? Because I'm not black?" But, at the same time, I knew they were only saying it because they just used it like the word "the". I can be mad but, could I stay mad at them for it? Now, I heard the word once.....eh, let it slide........Twice?.....please don't make me say something, because I don't know what to say, how to say it. And just then, my best friend Cammy said, "You know, you should really stop using that word because it's offensive and honestly, I'm kind of feeling offended myself. Alex's boyfriend was black, I don't think she likes hearing that."
It's like the record stopped.
Now, why do you think the record stopped?? I can think of at least two reasons...they felt stupid and/or they finally felt the power of their words.
I told them politely that I understood where they were coming from, but at the same time, I had to deal with some racism myself, and seeing the type of racism that happened to my ex.....it's hurtful.
I didn't hear the word again.
Who knows if they'll stop using it ever, but they stopped while I was there. They apologized too.
When I got back home to LA, I still carried this discomfort in my body, of feeling like "Damn, am I gonna be the only Asian here? Are they staring me? Am I welcomed or not welcomed?, etc...". Just two weeks of it and I still brought that shit back with me in my body. Now, can you imagine for generations? I mean, the type of sense memory stuff that you're probably not even conscious of. I do believe black men have to deal with racism on a whole other level. There's history there. I used to get pissed at my ex for not sticking up for himself more, but I see he was battling more than just a person. It's goes deeper.
It does take a strong mind to clear away all the bullshit and figure out the TRUTH for ourselves.
Do you realize how much of us isn't really us? For example, using the N word.....is that really you? Is that something that makes you happy saying? OR, Being called the N word and accepting it as you....is that really you? Question it all and see for yourself.
Words...you can hurt someone with them, you can be hurt by them. But at the end of the day, it's all up to you.
"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." - John Lennon.
Have a THRIVING week, peeps!
with MAAAAD LOVE,
x Alex
