"What Determines Your Destiny?" Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 21.

Hi.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  I have a Fan Club!  Thank you KpopCollege and your students for welcoming me into your family!!
Click Here to check out my Fan Club!

*  My friend Philipp is the writer and director of "Like You Mean It".  It's an intimate story between two men trying to fall back in love.  Waaahhhhhh, I hope they make it.  I love love stories.  Anyway, he's raising money on Indigogo to finish the film.  Please support if you can!  Here's the link to check out trailer and donate.

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/like-you-mean-it--2

*  If you reside in Texas, do you know about Explore Austin Mentoring Program?  My friend Ann is raising $2500 by this weekend so she can take 15 girls on a wilderness trip for three weeks!  That's crazy, Ann.  Good luck to ya!

Please support if you can!  Here's the link to donate.

https://rally.org/f/ipHFXre0OXm

Explore Austin’s mentoring program guides underserved youth on a 6-year (6th – 12th grade) journey to leadership. The year-round outdoor adventure curriculum imposes unique physical, emotional, and mental challenges, and adult mentors help translate these challenges into meaningful life lessons. The end results are young leaders of character, integrity and resilience who are prepared to succeed in life.

Now on to the main attraction....

First, here's a definition of destiny.

des·ti·ny

ˈdestinē/

noun

1. the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future.

   "she was unable to control her own destiny"

   • the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future; fate.

     "he believes in destiny"

     synonyms:

     future, fate, fortune, doom; More

Something I'd like to add:  these 'events that will necessarily happen' are the chain of events from the start point which is ALWAYS NOW.  Not from birth, your childhood, your past life, your future but, it starts NOW.  Just keep this in mind as you read on.

So, what determines your destiny?

Three words.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I think there are other factors at play too.  

For example:  pre-destined events and meetings; cosmically and astrologically speaking, you may have particular advantages or disadvantages in your chart; what was passed down to you from your parents and ancestors (both biologically and spiritually); etc..... 

These are basically your "It Is What It Is" stuff.  Depending on what you believe and what you do, you're on the course to a certain destiny.

Then, free will comes in.

Free will is choice.  Our decisions.  God/The Universe gave us the capability to use whatever man-power and god-power we can tap into and decide our own fate.  If we can master our mind and emotions, we can master our destiny. 

For example, I lived with cystic acne for the majority of my life.  It runs on my mom side of the family.  Growing up I would hear from so many adults (Korean), "Oh, how unfortunate that your pretty face is plagued with acne.  You see, God is a fair God.  You can't have it all.  Don't worry, it'll go away when you get married and start having kids."  

Guys, I believed this shit.  I really thought I would have to suffer acne til I got married and started having kids.  But then people started saying their acne got worse while pregnant.  WTF?!  Then, I thought, "Wait, how the hell am I gonna even find a husband with all this acne?!"  I felt hopeless.  There was nowhere for me to go.  Until I realized the only other option I have, since I have tried everything, is change my limiting belief.  From there, I started to make different decisions, which made me take different actions, which gave me different results.  I am now 3 years acne free, and going strong.  All naturally.  Holler.

Palm readers don't tell you this but, did you know that the lines on your hands can change over the course of time?  Well, as long as you change.  But, you get my point.  You're not fated to one kind of life.  You have the absolute power to change and or create your destiny.

You feel that personal power?

Decisions shape your destiny.

Honestly, decision-making is a skill.  Or listening to your heart is a skill.  It really is.  I'm gradually getting better at it.  I think one of the best things parents can do for their kids is to teach them how to make decisions....for themselves.  I didn't really grow up with that skill instilled in me, in fact, Korean parents are known to 'know what's best' for their kids.  Decisions were made for me and I became an angry little girl.  Can't you tell?  My sister and I have been parenting ourselves for a few years now, together.  Thank goodness for that gift.  We love our parents but, we still got issues with them.  I love you mom and dad.  :D  

And just like anything else, it takes practice.  You gotta keep making decisions, to get better at making decisions.  Me and my sister, we're putting in the work and practice....trust.

If you think about it, we're making decisions daily and sometimes we're not even aware of it.  Maybe rather than forcing ourselves to make more decisions, what if, if we just became conscious of the decisions we're already making?  You're going to find yourself making decisions throughout the day (for example, what time to get up, what to wear, what to eat, when to eat, how you interact with people, how you don't, your attitude while driving, how impeccable your words are, etc.....so, rather than trying to make many big decisions, just step back and look at all smaller decisions you're already making.  Where are they rooted from?  "How you do anything is how you do everything", and maybe it'll be insightful to see on a smaller scale where there is less judgment to 'do it right'.  

In the book, Awaken The Giant Within by Tony Robbins, our decisions are rooted from our emotions.  Btw, this book is a GAME-CHANGER.  Our emotions are what drives us to make decisions.  What emotions are driving you to make decisions?  Is it gratitude?  Is it guilt?  Is it kindness?  Is it power?  Is it humility?  Is it low self-esteem?  Is it to serve?  Is it to be served?  Is it from love or is it from fear?  Basically everything we do boils down to two things.....we make choices to either avoid PAIN or create PLEASURE.

That's human nature.....and we're that simple.  We will make choices to either avoid PAIN or create PLEASURE.  Omg.  Mind freaking BLOWWWWN.  Whichever wins out for you, you will choose.  

For example, let's say you want to quit smoking cigarettes.  The idea of not smoking creates pleasure.  You won't feel like a slave to something, you won't have to hear people telling you you're killing yourself with cancer stick, you'll feel like you can breathe easier, you feel good about working out, you save money, blah blah blah.  But, the idea of not smoking also brings up fear...fear of change, loss, uncertainty.  It's gonna suck not to smoke and talk on the phone, not to smoke and drive, not to smoke and drink, not to smoke when pissed, not to smoke after sex, not to smoke in the morning, not to smoke after eating, blah blah blah.  If pain wins over pleasure, you will continue smoking.  And vice versa, if you are so fed up with smoking and your body is fed up with it too, the pain of indulging in it will not be worth it and not wanting to smoke will win over.  

Then to take it one step further back, your emotions are driven by your beliefs.

Think about why there are wars, why people fight, why the disconnects happen in the world .  Beliefs.  

Some of us will die for our beliefs.  That's how powerful beliefs are.  

Your beliefs are the cause for your emotions, and your emotions are the cause for your decisions, and your decisions are the cause for your destiny.     

Decisions shape your destiny.  Actually, it's really your BELIEFS or LIMITING BELIEFS that shape your destiny.  Not your karma (speaking of karma, karma is just energetic memories and soul contracts...once the lesson is learned, karma is cleansed and released), not your natal chart, not numerology, not your palms, not superstitions, not your agents, not your manager, not casting directors, not your mother, not your father, not your husband, not your wife, not your dog, not your iPhone, not Facebook, not what somebody said about you, not what somebody didn't say about you, etc.....  Ok, maybe it'll put a dent in your day, week, month, or year....but, ultimately, your destiny is in your hands.  

Woof, that sounds like the most exciting thing and the scariest thing all at once, yes?

Actually, that's good.  That means I'm alive.  And I'm about to make a decision.

**  Feel free to comment and let me know your thoughts.

Have a THRIVING weeks, peeps.

with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex 

"A Gift For An Artist". Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 19 and 20.

One of my new headshots.  :)

Photo By: JENNY&CHRIS

Hair and Make-up By:  Christina Turino

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  I got new headshots taken!  I'm stoked about them.  I love them because they look clean.  I also had a blast shooting with them.  I'm not just saying this because they're my friends....I'm saying this because I know a thing or two about taking pictures, ok?  I've been around the block, let's just put it that way.  Super organized, efficient, and professional.  They're so good that I was able to relax....normally I can't when I'm shooting with new photographers/hair and make-up, because I'm a control freak.  Seriously, great eyes, great peeps.  I just really appreciate hard working people who make you feel like they're giving you their 100%.  That goes a loooooong way for me.  Oh yeah, and the price is very do-able, friends.  Thank you JENNY&CHRIS and Christina for an amazing and fun shoot!!!

Now on to the main attraction.....



I lost a dear friend last week.  Let me tell you a little about Bee.

I have never met him.  Bee and I connected on Facebook because he came across my blog and he reached out.  At first, I was a little hesitant.  Well, I'm a girl and he's a guy.  But, then my walls came down rather quickly because you just know an eclectic good Soul.

And an eclectic great Soul he was.  I mean, he liked and commented on so many of my posts, heck, he even shared my shit....heck heck, he hashtagged #TheHotAndFunnyAsianChick more than I did......and he adored my Bells.  How could I not like him now?!  He would send cute pics or messages to her.  It was very sweet.  There was something very............organic, about him.  Like everything he said, posted, came straight from the heart, right in that moment.

I had a friend in Oklahoma.  I've never had a friend from Oklahoma.  Freaking cool.  And through him, I met other kindred spirits...(SH!)

The last time Bee and I had a heart to heart was when I wrote a blog post on artists and addiction.  It's a topic that's close to my heart.  He liked the post, and we exchanged stories.  You know that shift that happens when an acquaintance becomes a soul family?  The moment you discover common grounds, the moment you deeply appreciate another human being, when your heart chakra opens.

I think it's hard not to open up to Bee.

I blog, Facebook, Instagram, because it's my way of creating something and I love being able to document my journey along the way.  I also write with hopes that I'm somehow adding value to the world too, to feel a connection with someone else...like any other artist.  And I appreciate feedback.

Bee, not only did you give me feedback, you gave me mad love, support, and encouragement.  I have people I have never met who are rooting for me.  Do you know how much I appreciate it?  What a gift for an artist.  What a gift for me.  I hope you know that you will always be a part of my journey and I will always remember you as an angel.  I'm sure if I said, "Bee, thank you for being my biggest cheerleader.", you'd probably post a pic of yourself dressed as a hot mess cheerleader on my page with the caption, "Since 1993."  I'm pretty sure.

Even though we never met, we did.  We'll always have Facebook, brother.  Thank you for your friendship.  Your heart was too big for this place anyway.  Bells and I send you off with butterflies.  May you be home, in peace, forever smiling.


SWEEEEEEET DREEEEEEEEAMS BEEEEEEEEEEEE.






Have a THRIVING week, peeps.  :)


with MAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Onward And Upward Part 2". Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 18.

A fun take from my headshot session with Jenny S Yang Photography.  I'm narrowing down now so, official new headshots coming soon!

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  I'm really excited to announce that I will be adding something to the blog.  At the end of every month, I will do a quick review/recap of the casting director workshops I have taken during that month.  My goal this year is to book more television but honestly, I haven't really done much to achieve that.  I'm really honing in on it again.  The last time I did, I booked Criminal Minds.  I know what I have to do...it's just doing it.  So, to hold myself accountable, I'm going to start writing reviews.

This month's workshops are:

Lisa Soltau




Now on to the main attraction......


A day after I posted last week's blog post, "Onward and Upward", I receive an email from my theatrical agent saying let's part ways.

Yes, last Friday, my ass got dropped by my theatrical agent.

I was shocked.

My agent and I have been together for about two and a half years now.  Personally, we got along well.  She was from Jersey, I was from Brooklyn.  But, professionally, something wasn't working.  I wasn't going out.  And the times I did go out, it was because the casting director requested for me after having met me at a workshop.  (PS.  If you still believe you can't book jobs without representation.....THINK AGAIN.)

We both knew it wasn't working but, it's never easy saying goodbye, is it?

Yeah, well I was shocked and pissed for a day because she broke it off first.  It was an Ego bruise for me.

I bounce back quick though.  24 hours later, I came to my senses.  And I realized........Honestly, I need shit like this in my life.  Shit like this makes me fight for what I want.  It makes me see what I'm really capable of.  As of late, I didn't know if I had any fight left in me.  I wasn't feeling very motivated.  I was feeling stuck.  I was getting scared that I may have lost my passion for it all.

Then this happened and it was proving me wrong.

I AM proving myself wrong.

Here's what I've been up to since the break-up.  I'm coming up with new ideas to kick it up a notch with The Diary Of The THRIVING Actress blog, writing down more vlog ideas, got new headshots taken,  and signed up for two casting workshops for this month (I just had the first one this past Saturday).  Also, my commercial auditions have been picking up since.  I feel like my life is happening just the way it's suppose to.  I feel very much aligned right now.  I feel hopeful.  I feel excited about what could happen any moment.  I feel focused.  I feel productive.  I feel good.

The truth is, my agent is cool peeps.  It would have been nice if it worked out.  I've always pictured myself having the same agent and manager from the beginning and making it together.  But, business is business.  And business wise, this was the best for both parties.  I guess I can thank her for doing the dirty work.

I'm not stressing about finding a new theatrical agent.  I stressed for like 24 hours but, I realized, "Get out of panic mode.  You're fine.  Everything is fine."  I still have my manager and my commercial agent.  I'm good.  Like I said, you don't need them to book jobs.

I'm going to try something.  I'm going to see how many television jobs I can book on my own until agents come to me.  Why the hell not?

Trust that when things change on you, it's necessary, and it's actually the best thing for you.  Sometimes we hold on to things longer than necessary because we're afraid to let go.  That's when God/The Universe steps in.  I don't believe things just happen to me.  I believe things happen FOR me.
By the way, this isn't the first time I've been dropped.  Do you remember when my first manager dropped me?  "All Aboard The AlEX EXpress!"  I went back to read it.  I'm not worried one bit.  :)


Thank you to my agent.  Thank you for the two and half years.  Wishing you and your team lots of success.


And thank you to my commercial agent and manager.  I appreciate your support, encouragement, and hard work thus far.  I'm ready to throw it dowwwwwnnnnnnnnnn.



Have a muddafuggin THRIVING week, peeps!  Thank you for reading and it's a pleasure to be on the grind with you.



with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Onward And Upward". Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 17.

Cammy Kinney Photography

  

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  I received another residual check for Criminal Minds.  This one has been the biggest one yet.  It almost covers my next rent!!

  A few posts back, I wrote about the book, The Instant Millionaire.  I'm learning about the wealth mentality, peeps.  And I asked God/The Universe, "When am I getting my next check?  It would be nice to get one soon."  The check came in the mail the next day.  No joke.



Now on to the main attraction.....




Strange things have been happening.

The last two projects I booked, fell through.

I book it and then I don't end up shooting.



First

A friend of a friend contacts me for a feature she's producing.  I get the audition.  I decline due to schedule conflicts.  Plus, when I got the sides, no lines...pretty much a featured extra.  Two weeks later, I get contacted by the producer via email and text that the director would really like me to audition and if it's possible, to put myself on tape.  Sides have been emailed.  I check.  Lines.  And I was available for the shoot dates.  Perfect.  I put myself on tape and emailed that baby out.  The director loves me and they definitely want to cast me.  Since I read for 5 different roles, they said they would let me know after they decide which role to cast me as.  Next day I hear back that they want to actually write in a part for me but, they have to check with budgeting.  Day after, I get a text message that they're still working on it.  The day after that, I hear back again that they couldn't get the budget for it AND I no longer have the part(s) I originally auditioned for.  They apologized and thanked me abundantly.  And I do believe that they tried but, it just wasn't meant to work out.  I wish them a great shoot.



Second

I book a web-series.  But first, cut to:  callback.  I get to the callback and find out that there is no callback.  I wasn't notified.  But, the good news is I booked the part.  I call my manager as soon as I get out and find out that it doesn't pay.  Hmmmm.  As you know I made a promise to myself about two years ago to no longer take jobs that don't pay (self-worth and self-esteem related).  I've stuck to my guns and I have been paid for EVERY SINGLE job.  But, here's the thing...I've had to turn down jobs.  As scary as it was, I had to learn to start saying NO to working for free.  I knew my manager understood but, I thought I could just give a little.  So, I took the job, thinking "at least the role is fun and I get my copy for my new reel."  I also made sure they promised to give me my copy.  So, onward and upward.  Rehearsal dates and shoot dates kept changing and it's been difficult to coordinate an ensemble casts schedule.  I understand.  However, the last two rehearsals, I showed up to, were canceled.  I never got the memo.  After the first time, I made sure to ask to have the email resent to me just in case it had info about the next rehearsal.  They confirmed they would.  Again, I never got the memo.  Three times I showed up to a canceled event.  It wasn't about me learning my lesson, now it was about professionalism and work ethic.  I wrote them a sincere email pulling out of the project.  They apologized abundantly as well but, there's really nothing much to be said or done.   I just don't think it was meant to be, that's all.  I wish them a great shoot.


Actually, something similar happened with a commercial too.  The casting director calls me directly (which normally does not happen because casting directors don't call talent unless you're not represented) and pretty much says you got it, we just gotta figure out which role to cast you as.  Then, nothing.  So, that's three.  Weird, right?!


Would you be mad?  I'm not.  I'm just perplexed.

I feel strangely detached from them.  It is what it is.  I'm just wondering if there's a reason for them.  Because there's a pattern, yes?

I am feeling excited though.  Because I know how Life works.  Cycles.  I feel a new cycle in the horizon.  I feel new opportunities coming.  I'm also doing my part to create new opportunities.  Maybe that's why I'm not pissed.  Like there's this intuitive knowing that this is actually ALL GOOD.  These NO's are YES's to shit that's meant for me.  And when you crash into something or someone you're meant to, Life feels good, fun, easy, and magical.
I've been meditating with Oprah and Deepak....I think meditating's really good for me.

What's interesting is that this whole year, I feel like I've been creatively blocked, which shut me down in other ways too.  Maybe that's why those didn't work out.  I'm feeling less blocked these days.  That's all that matters because I know when I start feeling better, everything else gets better.  I feel like I'm waking up again.  Ha!  Yup, Spring's here.  :)



Let's see how Life unfolds for you and me next week.

Have a muddafuggin THRIVING week, peeps!



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"How To Get UNstuck". Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 16.

I feel like I just slayed my dragon for the day.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  My prayers to the families of those missing from the South Korean shipwreck.



Now on to the main attraction....


This blog was and still is influenced by The Daily Love blog.  Mastin Kipp, the founder is a distant mentor of some kind.  He doesn't know this but, he is.  I've been reading The Daily Love every day for about 4 years now.  Helped shift my life in many ways.  I became a blogger myself, I became a student of Kundalini yoga, and I learned how to really love myself.  Game-changers.

Personal work is work.  There's no thinking your way into your desired outcome.  You have to work for it.

I've been on my journey of growth and it's time to take another step.  I feel it.  I know because I'm feeling stuck.

And I was just about to beat myself up for getting stuck again.  Why do I keep getting unstuck then stuck again, unstuck then stuck again?

That's Life.  Get stuck, get unstuck, get stuck, get unstuck.

So, how to get unstuck?

I'm so excited because Mastin and The Daily Love has put together a series of training videos to help with just that.  I've been meaning to do private coaching with him but, it's just one of those things I have been putting off.  And also because I knew it would be costly.  Well, the videos are like private sessions with him.  Yaay!

I signed up and already finished watching the first video.
Click Here for video.

I took some quick notes.  I'll share them with you.  Definitely sign up and watch the videos for yourself because you may get different things out of it.  They're free.  And do the work.  Remember, we have to put in the work.


What I got out of Daily Love Mastery Video 1.

Mastin talks about 4 Core Elements Of Massive Progress.  These are the foundation of his success.


MENTORING
Elite mentoring.  Quality of your mentors are important.
Surround yourself with mentors who have produced the results you want.
Honestly, who are you taking advice from?  Friends, family?  Have they produced what you would like to produce?


PHYSICAL ENERGY
Cleanse the body.
Energy is life.
Change starts with thoughts, but it's hard to think good-feeling thoughts when your body is tired.  Get your body feeling good first.
When your biochemistry is in alignment, everything changes.
How to change your biochemistry starting today?  Right now?
1.  Eliminate or at least cut down as much as you can on processed sugar.
2.  More green stuff.  Veggies.  Alkaline.
3.  Get an actual 8-10 hours of sleep.  Make sleep a priority.
4.  Move your body every single day.  Anything that gets your body moving.  Moving your body for 30 minutes a day for 4 days a week will help massively.

Physically changing your body is a massive game-changer.


EMOTIONAL HONESTY
Tell the truth.  Actually share what you think and feel.
Don't be emotionally modest.
How do you want to live?  Feel?
NO emotional constipation.
Having an intelligent conversation about how you feel is liberating.
Telling the truth is an incredible anti-depressant.


COURAGEOUS ACTION
What is courage?  It's doing something even though you're afraid.
When something big is about to happen, we are asked to make a choice that terrifies us.
What choices are you scared to make that you know, if you're honest with yourself, you have to make?
For example, Is it time to leave the relationship?  Is it time to say I love you?  Is it time to start writing that screenplay?  Is it time to sign up for casting director workshops?  Is it time to finally get my butt into the gym?  Is it time to get myself into a 12-step?  Is it time to as
So, what happens once you take that courageous step?  Take more courageous actions, then more, then more.
Your courage muscle has to get pumped.
If you look back to all those moments just before the 'big' moments....like right before a kiss, right before you started a new job, a new school, right before a first date, etc.....there's anxiety AND excitement.
Anxiety and excitement are very closely.  The reason why so many people get stuck is because they're not making choices that scare them.  They stay in their certainty...their comfort zone.




So, there.  I hope you start today, now....I am.  I have.  Just pick one out of the 4.  You don't have to master all four together.  Just one at a time.

Again, Click Here for the video.

From my experience, everything starts with Physical Energy.  No matter what area I want to get UNstuck in, I begin with moving my body and moving the energies around inside of me....because the outsides will align.  This is where I'm beginning.  Moving my body for at least 30 minutes a day and recognizing and nurturing the ways that give me more natural energy rather than depleting me of them.  For example, web-surfing for too long, regretting and replaying conversations in my head, just talking about what I want to do without taking action for too long, smoking, etc.....these make me feel like I'm giving up my power and I lose energy.  But, it takes a little bit of progress to feel empowered and energized again.  Tony Robbins says, "Progress equals Happiness."  I agree.  Just a little progress here, a little progress there, gives you the emotional drive to keep going.

I'm not trying to do anything perfectly (I'll give it a go though), I'm just trying to make some damn progress, peeps.

Here's to Progress!


Wishing you all another THRIVING week.



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes." Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 15.

Dang, I gotta read more Bukowski.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  Going into rehearsals next week for a web-series I'm shooting next month.  This is the one where I get to do my Hispanic accent.  I need to hang with my mami's for some inspiration.  Keep you posted.

*  And thanks to my friend, Mo, I'll be shooting another project end of this month.  Yaaay!  Thank you, Mo!




Now on to the main attraction.....


I may have gone mad a tad.  But, I think I'm back.

Time.  Boredom.  They are the death of me.

I'm busy but, I have time to be bored.  Because I'm not being productive.

And when I'm not productive and creative in my mind's eyes, my emotions get the best of me.  My emotions literally run the show.  Me, irrational?  Do I look like I give a sh*t?

Truth is, I give too much sh*t about everything.  Either I care too much or not at all.  All or nothing.  I'm always trying to find the 'happy medium', the place of balance......and frankly, I'm sick of it right now.  All or nothing?!!!  It is what it is.

This is my madness.  I become inwardly sensitive, I become inwardly dramatic, I become real quiet until someone breathes on me and then I snap.  I become my emotions.

I saw a quote that said, "Wake up with determination.  Go to bed with satisfaction."

Yeah, ok.

In theory, it's wonderful.  Who wouldn't want that?  In reality, I wake up feeling defeated and I want to go back to bed because I've given up on the day.

Why do I want so many things?  Why do I want to do so many things?  Then I'm faced with the fact that, I don't have these things....I don't do these things.

The discrepancy kills my Soul.

I'm feeling a bit better than last week.  My creative juices are slowly but surely flowing again.  God's grace.  I've been praying and meditating for help.

God/The Universe is sending signs again.  Or, maybe I'm just listening now.

I believe God/The Universe is always giving us signs, direction, and guidance.

I only see it, hear it when I've exhausted every part of myself and I have nowhere else to turn.  When I give up trying, when I surrender to life, God takes over.

So, back to the discrepancy that's killing my Soul......

The thing is, I don't go down without a fight.

I'm fighting.  I'm fighting my way through all this self-doubt shit that's trying to bury me.  I wake up no matter how shitty I'm feeling.  I still gotta feed my dog.  I still gotta make some phone calls.  I still gotta send out emails.  I still gotta eat.  I still gotta drink water.  I still gotta go to this audition.  I still gotta write.  I still gotta go to class.  I still gotta stay afloat somehow.  So, I'll throw on some make-up, pull my hair back, put on my fine ass Prada sunglasses, and face the world again.

That's all I can do.  For now.  Because I know something.  Even though this feels permanent, it's not.  I'm gonna feel passion moving me again.  I'm gonna wake up feeling determined.  I'm gonna go to bed feeling satisfied.  I know this.  I believe this.  This shitty feeling isn't forever.  So, with that, I'm gonna smile again and keep it moving......even through my madness.  It's kind of fun, now that I think about it.......you know why?  Because with madness, there's genius on the other side.  I must be a genius.


P.S.  I have the most amazing man in my life.  I don't think I'm the easiest human in the world to deal with; especially when I'm not being nice to myself.  All I do is smoke and nag...like an old lady curmudgeon.  I was always so afraid to show my madness to people for fear that they would leave me.  My madness doesn't seem to scare him.  And believe me, I've tried many times already to sabotage this.  My old tricks don't work with him.  I think he's here to stay.  I'm lucky.  Thank you, Christopher.



One week after another.  Don't know how your madness looks like but, have fun with it.  You're just mad because you're really genius.  Wishing you all a THRIVING week, peeps.


And I love this song.  "Madness" by Muse.





with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Helluva Long Day". Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 13 and 14

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week...




Now on to the main attraction....


I've been feeling creatively blocked.  I don't feel inspired.  I don't feel inspiring.  I don't have the drive in me.  And the thought of, "What if it never comes back?" is scary.  Of course, it'll come back but, it feels permanent.  I'm going through my days like a shell of a human.  Even revealing this is embarrassing that I wanted to skip another week of posting.

So, I wrote a poem.  Doesn't necessarily rhyme but, it's a poem.  Not sure if it's cohesive, but it flowed out of me rather easily so, I guess this is what I'm offering this week.





Helluva Long Day


Feeling pretty shitty these days.

My insides are a mess.

I hate myself today.  

Actually, not yet.  I don't quite hate myself just yet.

I wonder what time I'll start today.

Most days, it doesn't kick in until about 5pm, but it's been happening earlier and earlier.

My body hurts.  My mind is alert.  Too alert.

It's war.  It's hell.

It's only 8 am.

Fuck.  

We just want to become one.  The body, the mind...we just want to become one.

(inhale)

That's better.

No wait.

(inhale)

That's better.

No wait.

(inhale)
(inhale)
(inhale)

I have nowhere to go now.  

The highs just take me lower.

I can't breathe.

I come up for air.

The air feels nice.  It feels clean.

I enjoy the air.  

And I think the air enjoys me.

Peace.

Grace.

It's only 8:01 am now.

This is going to be one helluva long day.








Anyways, wishing you all a THRIVING week, peeps.  Send some good creative jujus my way please.  :)



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex