.JPG)
A pic from my first spoken word performance. Story Salon 9/19/12.
Dear Diary,
Here's my offering to you this week.....
* In Tampa, FL right now! Spending some time with the cousins. Will be here for a full week...and I'm relaxing for sure. Although, seeing all Romney/Ryan stickers on cars...I feel like I'm in The Twilight Zone. Regardless of my political stance, c'mon, ridiculous is ridiculous no matter how you cut it.
* I did it! My first spoken word show. Do you remember what a nervous wreck I was last week? In case you missed my last vlog, Click here for the performance anxiety video. I had THE most amazing time.
Story Salon, one of the longest running storytelling venue, was the perfect host. The people were great. They made me feel so welcomed. I totally felt like I was in my element. There's no feeling like it when you're free-falling into the unknown but, it somehow feels like you're coming home. I was home, folks. I worked myself up...and I do this before every performance...but, I'm learning from my patterns. Because at the end of the day, I LOVE it more than it scares me. It's like falling in love with the audience and you know they're falling in love with you. There's a connection, an intimacy, a good time, a trust, an open heart, wanting to give more, receiving with gratitude....it makes me feel so alive.
I meditated when I got home. Remember the blog post, "Crashing From The High Sucks!"? As much as it elevated me...I knew I would have to eventually come down from it. Click here to read the post.
And I couldn't have done it without Suzanne. God, I love that woman. I'm learning from the best. And also my friends who came out to support. I didn't invite many since I wanted to get this first one out of the way....but, I will definitely keep you all posted from now on. :)
Video of actual performance will be up on next week's blog post! Check back!!!
Here are some pics.
.JPG)
.JPG)
Now on to the main attraction....
Gosh, it was a whirlwind of a week. On top of my anxiety the first half of last week, my blog had disappeared. Yes! THIS blog...The Diary Of The THRIVING Actress was gone. Like, poof. Like, whoa.
I found out Tuesday morning. I was rushing to type up my final version of my spoken word story for my private session with Suzanne. I decided to return some emails and catch up on my social media accounts (multi-tasking is sometimes my form of Resistance). I saw my blog on my Facebook page so I clicked on it..."This Blog Has Been Removed."
What the f*ck?
X'ed out of the screen and then clicked on the link again. "This Blog Has Been Removed."
My heart stopped. But, my mind kept going. Fast.
Refreshed it, what felt like a million times, like an insane person doing the same thing over and over expecting to get different results.
Blogger said either I or an admin could have deleted it by accident. Not the case. Next option, I could have violated Blogger guidelines or terms. Not the f*cking case! Spam?! I wasn't getting any reason or help on this. They had no tech support. I like talking to somebody. Especially when it comes to troubleshooting. I don't like writing emails, I don't like dealing with automated recordings....I like talking to a real, live person.
In the midst of my insanity, I turned to Facebook and friends. Thank God. I received more help there than from Blogger. Thank you friends.
I'm telling you, I felt insane. Like, 'SOMEONE'S GONNA PAY FOR THIIIIS!!!' type of insanity. All the posts...the last two and half years of my life....I felt like it was all taken away. There was no way I could allow for this. Not like this. I kept thinking, "I told you to back up all your posts! I told you to switch over to Wordpress!" I kept beating myself up for things I had not done. And on top of that, just when there was finally some momentum building...hell, I was getting over 1500 views a month now! The blog readership was growing and I was feeling like I was 'doing' something, 'making' something, 'saying' something....I was something. And now, I was nothing.
I felt like I was nothing without my blog.
You see, I made my blog my everything. It defined me...actually, not me, my Ego. It was an extension, a reflection of my Ego. My growing Ego. I don't like to admit it but, it's true....as Ego-less as I am, I've got a mean Ego to balance that too. My dual nature...can't escape it. I've even fought with motherf*cker for days every week trying to get a post in. Brutal.
Everything that was going on in my head...all the ways I was blaming myself, blaming others, my fears, my anger, my feeling like I was something, my feeling like I was nothing....ALL EGO.
I was also using this to NOT do my work. Here's a complete Steven Pressfield, The War Of Art lesson......instead of dealing with what's IMPORTANT, I was dealing with what was URGENT. What was important to me was my story and my show and I was telling myself that dealing with 'fixing' the blog situation was more important. In reality, not so....maybe it wasn't even that urgent either. I was just telling myself that. We can really become slaves to our thoughts and feelings. Woof.
So, I freaked out...for like an hour, tops. Actually, I really freaked out, insanely freaked out, not thinking clearly freaked out, for 30 minutes. But, I realized something....it was out of my control. I had to let it go. Then I told myself, "Give yourself until 11 o'clock and then you gotta let it go. Do everything in your power for the next 30 min to figure it out and fix it and then let it go."
That's exactly what I did. I kept that promise to myself and to my work and something shifted. I didn't feel insane anymore. In fact, I felt more sane and I felt extremely proud of myself. I felt like a Pro and a yogi. I felt grounded, I felt carefree, I felt easy, I felt like I trusted there was something better for me, I felt like I was learning a lesson, I felt like I was growing, I felt like I was crossing over something I hadn't been before. I was experiencing exactly what I needed to be experiencing. It was all perfect and welcomed. I was able to see through all my Ego's bullshit and say, 'thank you but, no thank you right now'.
I was on my way to see Suzanne and decided to make a vlog to say goodbye to my blog. I figured, "What the hell, I still have my youtube channel. Maybe I'm meant to be making more videos now rather than writing. You know what? I have an awesome personality and more people need to see it. Hahaha...yes, I will start making more videos."
So, here's the kick off video to the new and improved blogger/vlogger, whatever. See below.
Here's how life, God, The Universe always puts a smile on my face.......of course, I let it go, and then what happens??? My blog comes back. I truly believe that when it's meant to be, it will be. No need to control, manipulate, make, force anything. Everything is free to just be. I now have a different relationship with my blog.....no more feeling like a slave to it. I love and appreciate my blog in a new and fresh way. I LOVE you blog!
LEGGO of your EGO and let life happen the way it happens. Just be an observer and you can't help but to smile and laugh about it all.
** Since my blog came back, I'm working on backing it up now. I was thinking of turning my blog into an e-book. What do you think? :)
*** Oh yeah, one more thing...I've been reading some reviews on 'Scary Or Die'....BRU-TAL. Got angry then wanted to wear a brown bag over my head again, 'How To Deal With Public Humiliation' (click here for video). But, here's the thing...again, it's all my Ego's reaction. When I was able to see if from another perspective, from my Higher Self, "I am proud of this movie. I am proud of me. I am grateful to have been a part of it. I met wonderful people, whom I still stay in touch with. Hey, at least we, I are getting reviewed! That's a jump from where I was. I had lots of fun. This is all amazing."
How I feel these days....seriously.
Have a fanf*ckingtastic week! And I can't wait to share my first spoken word video. Yesss!
with LOVE,
Alex
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete