'FREE Yourself'. Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 37.

Photo by Cammy Kinney Photography.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

I have miracles happening left and right, A-GAIN!  Weeeeeeeeeee!  I have so many moments where I'm so happy that I'm dancing and dancing....twirling and twirling....singing and singing....smiling and smiling......laughing and laughing.....and then getting quiet and still to take it all in with gratitude.  I'm crying happy tears.  :D

You ready for some magical updates?  

*  I'm doing my first spoken word event!  Wednesday, the 19th of this month.  Omg...I'm gonna throw up.  I'm not going to post the venue because I'd like to get this first one out of the way before letting people know.  I'll be doing it once a month at different venues around town so I will for sure let you all know after I 'pop my cherry'.  I'll probably just have my stand-up coach, Suzanne there and couple of friends.  

*  My Scriptcast podcast interview is now available on iTunes!  I did a radio interview last month over at UCLA with ScriptDoctor Eric and TV Wet Nurse Matt.  I made a teaser/trailer vlog for it.  Click here for video.  The interview is FREE.  Good deal.  Subscribe to Scriptcast.  I'm episode 54.  Let me know what you think!

*  'Scary Or Die' is OUT!!  Netflix, Amazon, Redbox, Blockbuster...take your pick!!  Talk about perfect timing....Halloween's right around the corner.  If you loved Tales From The Crypt and Twilight Zone...you're gonna love this.  My sister and I used to stay up late to watch them as a little girls.  Creepy, cute little Asian girls.  :D

It's a horror anthology, with 4 or 5 short stories woven together.  Pretty cool.  I play a vampire.  Hell yeah.  Igor was the director for our story and Igor is the 2nd Unit Director of Photography (he does all the 'action' shots) for blockbuster movies, so you know, the cinematography is beautiful.  Also, Corbin Bleu plays a flesh-eating clown.  Corbin, who is known for High School Musical is all grown up in this one.   

Me, Corbin, and Pasean.  ADR (automated dialogue replacement/dubbing) session for 'Scary Or Die'.

Anna and me.  I loved having fangs.

The ladies of the night.  Don't you want to see the movie now?! :D

*  Which brings me to...........my next GIVEAWAY!!!

Amazing things and people are coming into my world...it's only natural for me to continue the cycle.  I believe outflow determines inflow.  :)

So, one lucky reader will get, not just one but, TWO gifts!  

Gift #1 - You know I love passing along great reads.  My life coach, Justina just came out with her very own book!  Yaaaay!  It's called, How To Be A HAPPY ACTOR in a Challenging Business.  I will buy one and have it signed by Justina, for YOU.  Just for you...with your name and all.  It's your book. :)

Gift #2 - I'm buying an extra copy of 'Scary Or Die' and I will sign this one...just for you.  Hey, you never know, I can be the next Oscar winning actress.  Don't plaaaaaay!  ;)

How will I choose a lucky blog reader?  I'm workin on it.  Check back each week for more info.  :)  And, 'Like' my Facebook Fan Page......for daily updates.   

Now on to the main attraction..... 

I believe another shift has happened within me.....and because it happened internally, I'm seeing it change things externally.  

My relationship with men.

I'll explain Dear Diary.  

I've set some ghosts free that have been haunting me.  My anger with guys from past relationships.  

I was in class this past weekend.  Suzanne wanted me to bring in my alter Ego, Jackie, to begin working on my stand-up persona.  The plan was to give Jackie full permission to let loose and talk about her frustration with men.  

Who is Jackie?  Jackie is my dark side.  Jackie is the one who says and does everything on her mind...without any filter.  Alex is sort of like that but, apologizes for it.  Not Jackie.  Jackie takes no prisoners.  

And since I've been doing some intensive work with my life coach, Justina in the last couple of weeks on 'letting go' of things that no longer serve me anymore, there were painful residuals arising in me from it.  I thought, "Ok, I'm ready to give Jackie a voice and why not use a safe space, like class, to try it."  

I couldn't.  I was ashamed of Jackie and how much she had to say.  How much anger and pain she was carrying.  I felt as if no one would be able to handle her.  I felt like it would scare people.  I felt like people would think I was crazy and I belonged in an insane asylum.  I couldn't 'go there'.  I held back and began getting frustrated.  

Suzanne had me let out a primal scream.  I fought it at first because I was judging Jackie already.  I'm gonna look so 'ugly'.  But, I did it with Suzanne and the class's gentle support.  The class actually did it with me (Thank you).  And it WAS 'ugly' but, in the most beautiful way.  I sat on stage sobbing like a little girl.  And I allowed the class to see Jackie...I saw Jackie...for the first time with love.

Cut to:

I was one of those 'got daddy issues' girl.  For most of my life I was in denial about it.  

My father and mother separated when I was about 12 years old.  I was in junior high school.  My father moved to Korea to take over a business handed over to him by his older sister.  Of course, my parents used this as a way to justify their separating.  But, somewhere deep down, I knew it wasn't the real reason.  They fought a lot.

The days leading up to my father's departure, I was angry but, I held it in.  I was angry and hurt that he was leaving, I was angry and hurt that they were lying to me about the reason, I was angry and hurt that I wasn't calling them out on it.  I didn't express how upset I was by it.  If anything, I acted as if I didn't care.  And this acting like I didn't care became so real that I actually believed it.  "Whatever" was my favorite word.  It's only now that I'm seeing how wounded I was by it.

I remember my father asked me if I could help him dye his hair.  He was turning grey and he believed that his new employees wouldn't take him seriously if they saw how old he was.  I told him 'Yes' but, kept saying, "I'm busy...tomorrow."  

It was finally the day before he was due to leave.  I remember feeling so much anxiety.  I didn't want to be near him.  There was so much I was feeling that I just wanted to avoid it at all cost.  I paced around in my room, knowing he was out in the living room, probably just waiting for me to come out so he can ask me again.  I was looking for reasons to be busy.  

I called my friends and made plans to go hang out with them.  I quickly got dressed and opened my room door.  My father wasn't in the living room.  I knew he was in the house somewhere.  I knew I had to at least tell him that I was going out so I walked back and forth (quickly so he thinks I'm busy) from living room to kitchen to my parents bedroom (pretending to need something from there)...then, I saw him.  From my peripheral.  He was in the bathroom.  

The door was open so I had no choice but to acknowledge him.  He just said, "You're going out?"  I said, "Yeah.  I gotta go meet some friends."  

What I saw destroyed me for years.  I saw my father sitting on a chair in the tub.  He had those plastic gloves on, you know the ones that come in the box with hair dyes.  He was holding the instructions, turning it this way, that way, trying to figure it out for himself.  The reason why he asked me to help him was because he couldn't read the instructions.  He still can't read English.  

Fully knowing this, I still left him alone.  I left him.  I walked out on him.  I was angry that he didn't know how to read English.  I was angry that I had to always translate for my parents.  I was angry with myself that I was being a 'bad' daughter.  I was angry that I wasn't keeping my word when I said I would help him and I knew he would be leaving tomorrow.  I was angry for not saying, "I'm sorry Dad, I want to help you but, I'm mad at you right now."  Clusterf*ck of emotions I didn't know how to deal with.  

So, I just left.  "Whatever, whatever, whatever", I kept telling myself to bury all that I was feeling.  

My father left the next day.  I don't remember if I even went to the airport to send him off.  All I knew was I wasn't going to see him for a long long time.  

I locked myself up in my room for three days straight after he left.  I don't remember eating or sleeping...just sobbing.  I didn't let anyone come into my room.  My mother tried pacifying me but, I was mad at her too.  It felt like all hell broke loose.

Years passed and I began dating.  And when I got involved with a boy, it was like a marriage.  It was intense and I gave my whole heart to him....fearlessly.   I was never afraid of commitment...I just went there....all the way.  But, when my heart got broken, I shut down.  I became the 'whatever' girl again.  It didn't matter what we shared together, it didn't matter how much I loved him, or how much he loved me....I took it all away without thinking twice.  I just left like I left my dad.  They would call and call, and I never answered.  It was over and I saw no point in staying in touch...even as friends.  I trained my heart to be all or nothing.  I believed I was protecting myself from them.  I wanted to teach them a lesson...guess who's paying for it now?  Me.

I was punishing them because I wanted to punish my dad.  

I realized this a couple years ago.  A lot has been taking place inside of me since I've been uncovering layers and layers to discover my true self.  I saw what I was doing and it made me really sad.  But, I knew I had to go further down my rabbit hole because I wanted to heal and become whole again.  

That's where I've been since.  I'm still there in some ways.  But, a shift IS happening.  I don't know how it's going to look or how it's suppose to look...all I know is I'm healing and letting go.  

How do I know?  I have a completely different relationship with my father now.  My father actually moved back to the States when I was in college but, our relationship didn't really change until recently...very recently.  Like a few months, maybe.   A few weeks ago, he called me to check up on me because my aunt, his sister told him about a private conversation she and I had.  I got mad at him because I felt like she betrayed me but, literally as I was giving him an attitude, another part of me, call it my Higher Self, saw that I was still punishing him...by not accepting his love...because it wasn't the the way I wanted it.  We hung up the phone and I felt terrible.  I would have just ignored it and said to myself, "Whatever, we'll get over it" but, this time I knew better.  I called him back.  I apologized and thanked him for checking up on me.  He didn't know what to say to me because all of a sudden, our dynamic was different.  I know somewhere in him was thanking me.  Our Souls exchanged something new and wonderful.  We hung up.  I knew something was different.

I was right.  The man who I once felt so numb to.....I see I had, have so much love for him, want so much love from him.  We never said 'I love you' to each other.  Can I tell you, he said it for the first time this past weekend?  AND he said he missed me.  My mom called as they were driving together and he said it out loud so I could hear him.  My mother and I were surprised and the moment was a little awkward but, I said it back out loud too...so he could hear.  Even with the giant lump that formed in my throat, and despite how shaky my voice would sound to them, I said it.  No matter how 'ugly', 'imperfect', and 'vulnerable' I would seem, I 'went there'...for him, for my mother, and for me.  

Cut to:

I even initiated changing my dynamic with two guys I have been holding a grudge against.  (Holy cow, am I finally dealing with sh*t!)  I understood whatever happened between us was no one's fault...it was what it was.  And the only reason why I was mad and disappointed was because I had this 'idea' of who they should be for me, to me.  Just like I had this 'idea' about how my dad should show his love for me.  

Well, they're all off the hook.  They did the best they could and I did the best I could at the time.  Now, I'm releasing it all....all 'ideas' and expectations.  I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEE.

How did I change the dynamic with the two guys?  Well, I just asked myself, "What do you want from them?"  And I gave it to them first.  Instead of waiting and staying disappointed that 'they won't give it to me'....I just gave it to them.  With no expectations.  I gave it to myself, really.  A simple, 'THANK YOU'.  That's it.  

Can I tell you a secret?  I've been sober for some weeks now.  I was a total pot head.  Like a wake and baker.  Like I even worked at a dispensary.  It controlled and consumed me to the point where it got unhealthy.  I picked up this habit when me and my first LA boyfriend broke up.  We used to smoke together all the time.  Post break-up, I kept smoking....alone.

I picked up my first cigarette when my dad left and been a smoker since...with breaks here and there.  My dad was a heavy smoker.

I took on these unhealthy habits to hold on to the 'love' I thought I was going to lose.  And by 'letting go' emotionally of the REAL pain, instead of covering it up, I don't need or even want pot anymore (well, I'm lying...because I have moments where my body still wants it) but, you know what I mean.  And cigarettes....they just don't taste good anymore...nor do they make me feel good.  It makes me tired now.  I think I had this 'idea' that I won't be as creative without these vices.  I'm also letting go of THAT idea.  

Boy, does that feel good to get that off my chest.  Secrets eat you up.  And the only person it kills is you.  Guess what I'll be talking about when I do stand-up??  Yup.  All these dark sides and my secrets.  You have no idea.  It'll be fun.  Aren't you curious now?  You're gonna want to come see my shows.  ;)

Jackie, you ready girl?!  

FREE YOURSELF.

with LOVE,

Alex