'How To Handle Public Humiliation Like A Star' Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 33.

Photo by Click West Photo

Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.

*  I worked a fashion show event for a hush hush new reality show.  Hopefully they get picked up so I can be on TV.  ;)   My friend Love Collins was the wardrobe stylist so I got to model and walk the runway.  I got to wear three fabulous outfits but, only got pics with this one.  Here are a couple pics.  

Shout out to London, Melanie, Kamira, and Jalisa!  

*  I worked on some ADR (automated dialogue replacement - voice dubbing) for a SyFy movie!  We got to scream a lot.  It's a horror movie.  I'll let you know when that airs so you can look for my voice.  :)  Thank you to my friend Jason and Cherise for hooking it up.  It was awesome to be able to work with friends.  Here's a pic.

Shout out to Conroe, Alejandra, Jason, and Jeremiah!

*  Rest In Peace my dear Daegu gomo (aunt).  We miss you.  Dad misses you a lot. :*)

     This post is for you.  I know I have an extra angel watching over me.  Thank you.  

Now on to the main attraction....

I was so mortified this week.  

When I posted my blog post last week on Facebook, I decided to post a separate link to the teaser/trailer video I made for my Scriptcast interview.  I ended up posting the wrong link.  My meditation video went up instead.  

This meditation video was made weeks ago as an exercise from my stand-up coach, Suzanne.  She asked me to record myself during one of my morning meditations...she wanted me to actually say my thoughts out loud....to see if there was anything we can pull from there.  

There was A LOT to pull.  Material after material.  Suzanne said it was brilliant.  I was embarrassed by it.  I said some REAL sh*t.  So real that I couldn't even go back to watch it again.  It made me cringe to think I revealed that much.  I was vulnerable.

First of all, it was 7am.  I looked like 7am.  The lighting was horrible in my room that early in the morning.  Then, I go on to talk about everything.  About how I think about myself, how I think about certain people, how I think I did in class the night before, how angry I felt, how sad I felt, I even cried.  It's just one of those private moments that were meant to be kept private.  It was only suppose to be for Suzannes's eyes and ears.  

Guess God/The Universe thought differently.  

Because this private moment was on the web.  On Facebook of all places.  Thank God I checked the link I had posted to see if it was working...there it was, my 7am face popping up.  My heart dropped.  I refreshed the page...maybe it's just happening on my computer.  There it was again, my 7am face.  Noooooo!  I checked my Fan page...my computer was loading slowly.  WTF?!!!!!  Finally...click on the link......7am face!!  

My brain couldn't make sense of it.  How was this happening?  It's unlisted.  It's effin unlisted...how is this happening?  I didn't have time to figure out how...I just had to TAKE IT DOWN.  Youtube.  Open up Youtube again.  My slow ass computer.  Then slow ass Youtube.  Everything seemed to be working against me now.  

Sh*t.  A notification on Facebook.  Two people 'liked' it so far, and one smiley face comment.  F*******CCCCK!!!!!  

I finally managed to DELETE this damn video.  After what felt like eternity.

I didn't feel any better.  It was still out there.  It still got to a person or two.  I'm found out.  People are going to see a whole other side of me.  I was panic stricken.  I thought I was going to die.  Seriously.

I couldn't breathe.  I was afraid to look at my phone.  I was afraid to walk out the door.  I thought people were going to be standing out there waiting with mics and cameras...pointing fingers at me. 

People are going to see the real meeeeeeeeeee.  Nooooooooooooooo!!!!

I texted Suzanne.  She helped me accept the reality of it.  It was just another opportunity for me to learn about 'letting go'.  I told her, "I understand but, don't be surprised if I walk around with a brown bag over my head for the rest of the day".  She said, "Wonderful.  Have someone film it".  Uh, excuse me? I wasn't serious....but, she was.  She said consider doing it for 'research' for a spoken word story or stand-up.  I don't turn down a challenge.  

So, my friend Sean helped me film it.  Thanks Sean!

If you haven't seen it yet, the video is posted below.

I learned a few lessons.

#1  Make your private videos 'private' on youtube.  

#2  Whatever's happening is meant to be, because it is happening.  Let.  It.  Go.

#3  Be an artist and use the art.  Get creative.  Find a way to laugh about it.  It works.  :)

#4  In two words.....F*ck It.  :D

Have a great week.

with LOVE,

Alex