Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 25. 'Transformation Takes Work And Patience'

Another pic from photoshoot with Cammy Kinney Photography.

Just look at my lil Bells.  I love you lil girl.  

I wanted to look like a hot mess.  Getting ready for stand-up.  :)

*First, I wanted to help share and spread the word about my friend's project.  Jouri is the founder of RAD (Realize Artist's Dreams).  I've done an interview blog with them.  Click Here to watch my interview.  And this is their new project, Candyland.

For more info, go to www.RealizeArtistsDreams.com

Dear Diary,

         It's going to get uber busy for me again.  I have already committed to things for the next 4 months.  I'm starting another Sam Christensen 8-week class this week, I'm meeting  with Suzanne once a week for stand-up with plenty of homework, and the last two months, I'll be working intensively with my life coach on some personal things.  

Funny, seeing all of 'the work' I'll be doing....of course, I'd be doing these together.  

Sam Christensen's Acting Class.

Sam says he doesn't 'teach' acting.  Yes and no.  Yes, he doesn't teach scene study, so you won't be breaking down scripts but, you'll be breaking down YOU.  After I did 'The Process' with Sam early this year, I found out my MYTH word.  Everyone has one myth word.  And everyone shares all myths BUT, according to Sam, you will be or have your specific myth in your life, both personal and business, about 10-15% more than others.

For example:  Keanu Reeves.  His myth word is LUCKY.  He's luckier than most.  Take a look at all his movies...his character always gets into situations, or gets out of them because he's lucky.  In the movie 'The Matrix', who is the chosen one?  He is.  In the movie 'Speed', he loses his bus driver but, LUCKILY, there was Sandra Bullock who just so happens to know how to drive a bus. 

  

Ok, so now if LUCKY is his myth word, then there's naturally got to be the flip side to it to balance it out.  Yup, as LUCKY as he is, he can be one UNlucky mofo.  

For example:  Did you know that he's super close to his mom and aunt?  They're the ones who raised him, in Hawaii.  They sacrificed a lot to help him move out here and pursue his dream of acting.  He made it.  He went back home and bought them a huge piece of land (where he grew up) and built a home for them.  One night, the three of them sat outside watching the rainstorm.  Keanu's mom, Keanu's aunt, and Keanu.  Lightning struck his aunt, sitting in the middle.  Keanu witnessed his beloved aunt go up in flames.  

That's some UN-lucky experience.  But, there you have it, he will forever be super lucky and super unlucky.  That's his destiny.  

Tom Hanks's word is 'over-prepared' or 'over-achiever'.  I think.  I could totally be wrong but, it is the gist of it.  And the flip side to that is 'under-prepared'.  Apparently, Tom Hanks has a fear of being under-prepared.  So, for award shows, 'in case' he's gotta make a speech, he starts writing stuff down a pieces of paper throughout the year.  He forgets about them, loses them, and when it is time to really make a speech, it's too late.  His wife Rita Wilson started to collect the pieces of paper he was leaving behind and just when he needed them, she would hand them all over.  This happens all the time.  Allegedly.  He's extremely overprepared and underprepared...that's his blessing and curse.  If you look at his movies too and the characters he play.....pattern.  

You live your myth and its opposing nature...and they live you.  There's no avoiding it.  Sam says some people don't like their myths.  Natural.  It could have been something you have been running away from your whole life.  The ironies of life.  

My MYTH word.  Perfect.  The flip side to it is Random, not IMperfect.

I refused to believe my word was perfect.  Ugh.  I was raised to be 'perfect'...I fought against that.  I have an extreme rebellious nature to me.  When I feel pushed, I push back harder.  It's just the nature of this beast.  But, I can't deny it exists in me.  For example, on days I feel shitty, I'll overcompensate with my outer.  I'll do it up with hair and make-up, throw on my fancy jewels, so that the world won't see me and how I really feel, so I won't see me and how I really feel.  They'll see the perfectly kept girl and I'll be accepted, loved.  It's exhausting being perfect.  Not just physically but, mentally.  A lot of calculating.  A lot of controlling.  

I've been telling myself I AM perfectly random, and randomly perfect.  ;)

Stand-up with Suzanne.

Suzanne was just awesome.  I had emailed her stories prior to our first session.  When I got there, she was excited to start.  She said I had LOTS of material.  She suggested something.  She said it would be good to consider Spoken Words.  Why?  Because at a spoken words event, you have a safe space to just read.  You don't have the pressure to be funny like with stand-up, and you don't have to memorize anything.  Everyone there is there to hear your story and that's it.  Also, at an open mic, people will be drinking alcohol...this can go either way.  Why even put myself under more stress?  I appreciate Suzanne's approach with me.  There are psychological things at play here...and she gets that.  Thank you Suzanne.  

And we spoke about issues I've been having.  Again, how authentic can I really be?  I'm scared to do spoken words and stand-up but, the freak out's really because of what I'll be talking about.  I want to save my family from pain and shame.  My truths aren't pretty...but, they're real.  My secrets are just more painful to keep now.  I fear they may be outgrowing me. 

I'm prepping myself and them slowly.  The thought of shattering their idea of me is liberating but, it breaks my heart too.  Their 'perfect' daughter is flawed, weak, gross, lazy, fearful, depressed, and angry.  God, I hope they understand that I'm doing this for my sanity, for my survival.  I'm doing this because it's between me and God.  I'm doing this because it's part of my Soul's evolutionary journey.  I can kick, scream, and throw a tantrum but, it's inevitable.  It's calling me.  I must go.  It's not going to be easy for you to forgive me...I can't expect you to because I haven't forgiven myself completely.   But, I'm getting there.  I'm getting to a place to love and accept myself fully.  Don't be mad at me.  

'Letting Go' work.

I'll be working with my life coach Justina for 6 weeks straight, once a week on getting to the root of some things for me.  It's a very structured process to release blocked energies, emotions, stories that no longer serve me.  We hold on to lots of things for fear of change.  I can say all day long I welcome change but, do my actions align with my words?  No, because of internal conflicts.  Energy must go somewhere and much of mine has been going to unhealthy places.  I've created unhealthy neuro-pathways to survive up until now...I don't need to survive anymore.  I'm born to thrive.  I want to re-configure the mechanics in me.  

I've been doing work like this in different forms for a couple of years now.  I've let go of lots but, the work will never be done.  There are layers after layers.  That's just life......learning, clearing, learning, clearing.  I haven't done anything this intense...and it takes patience because it's so structured.  This will be good for me.

These three teachers showing up in my life, it's by God's grace.  I asked, and it was given.  I asked how authentic can I really be?  He gave me three teachers to help me do just that.  I can only receive them with thanks and learn.

I feel another metamorphosis happening.  I go through phases where I re-invent myself according to my inner life.  And my hair's the first place I start.  I took out my hair extensions.  No more mermaid-hair.  Sad, yeah.  But, no more hiding behind something.  This is me, take it or leave it.  It sounds silly but, I didn't realize how much my hair defined me TO ME until I said I was going to get them out.  "The long hair makes me look younger", "The long hair makes me sexier", "The long hair makes me different", "The long hair is my brand and I can't change it"....aaaahhhhh, all these bullcrap 'stories' we feed ourselves to oblivion and paralysis.  

I'm purposefully moving energies around...internally and externally.  I don't know how I'll look or even feel after.  Maybe nothing will have changed.  But, I still gotta try.  

This is a time of transformation.  The transformation is happening quietly, inwardly and it's also happening loudly, outwardly with the world.  It's shifting everywhere.  My love life's feeling it too.  I'm going to go through it all with grace.  I will be kind to myself during this time.  I won't get mad at myself for not getting somewhere at a certain time.  I will be 'here', always, in the present.  I will only put my energy into what is in my control and leave the rest up to God.  Be patient Alex.  You'll get there, because you're already here.  :*)

Oh, how cool....I just got TWO commercial auditions.  Thank you God.  :)

with LOVE,

Alex