Magical Announcements
I bought a new camera! Finally!!! I've been wanting to invest in a camera for more vlogging and shooting my own stuff. Got the Canon Rebel T2i. It's so awesome. :)
I shot the animation short this past weekend! Here's a couple of pics of me doing my thang. Holla.
Now, on with the show....
That was LOVE.
My guy and I called it quits this past weekend.
The deeper our relationship got, it started to bring up things in him that needed his awareness and healing....he's not over his ex yet.
I wanted to destroy. I wanted to annihilate them both. Boy, you'd want to know what I was thinking. I'm still thinking them in moments. They're so insane that it would probably make you laugh until you realized how real I was being. Then, it's "Oh,....whoa." My deep and dark thoughts. I'm sure you'd crown me Queen of Hell if knew. My roommate thinks I'd make a good torturer...that's just the tip of the iceberg. This is actually quite fun living in this.
I knew and felt he was being distant the past month, especially the last couple weeks, but I kept thinking, "Alex, don't make anyone responsible for how you feel. You're feeling all this because past fears are coming up. It's not him. What do you want from him? Give it to yourself first. No one will love you perfectly the way you want to be loved. That's your job. And that only exists between you and God. Give him the space he needs without pulling away. This is your lesson. Be patient. Let go of control. Honor his experience, your experience. Allow him to BE HIM. Allow you to BE YOU. Allow for what is to JUST BE."
I woke up to this lesson about a month ago when he initially told me about his experiencing curiosity for other women. He hadn't done anything...it was just something he was feeling and he wanted to express to me. After allowing my Ego to go to town, the dust settled and lessons emerged. So, instead of washing my hands clean of him (cutting people out was what I naturally resorted to in the past), I chose to stand by him, to be patient, learn lessons from the situation, heal, and see if we can get through it together. UNTIL.......
Until my heart and Soul told me otherwise. Not when I feel like he isn't giving me what I want, not when I feel like I want to run away but, when it was time. I promised myself and told him I'm in it until my heart said to move on. We have a mutual understanding that we take care of ourselves first.
My heart told me to let go. In the last couple weeks, my heart and Soul wasn't feeling very good about us. My heart and Soul was telling me I was not in alignment with who I AM. Somehow, I felt like I was now forcing myself to feel terrible for the sake of learning, growing and healing. It just didn't feel right, natural to me anymore.
We talked and I told him how I've been feeling, everything. He acknowledged his disconnect and apologized but, dropped another bomb on me...that he spoke to his ex, who is now with someone else and he's been tormented by it.
(Deep breath) (Deep breath) (Deep breath). The rage in me. Yeah. Took more deep breaths and sat in it...feeling it from all angles. Then I gently and consciously relaxed my stomach. Well for one, I felt relief because "I knew something was up." AND "this has NOTHING to do with me." This has absolutely nothing to do with me....it's not me, it's him. Granted, I even had a fit because it had nothing to do with me....whaaaaaat, it has nothing to do with meeeeee?!!! EeeeeeeeGO. Yep, I was mad that I wasn't the reason for his misery, some other woman was. But, there's greater ease in me knowing that it's just him and his own private journey. In fact, it probably has nothing to do with the ex either. Everything and everyone is a physical manifestation of you and your thoughts. Then she too is just a part of him that he can't let go and/or allow.....not her.
Sounds like addiction, no? Well I can be wrong but I'm also a smart cookie..it can go either way....maybe he's not addicted to her...he's addicted to how she makes him feel. What's the root? The initial wound/trauma? Even though they had a toxic relationship, and he knows they aren't good for one another, it's still serving some purpose for him whenever they connect. Until he finds out what in him is the root of the manifestation, he'll probably continue to live in a hellish place. Inner war. Addiction is hell.
OMG. This is his addiction. I have my own. Up until this moment, I thought I was the more enlightened, the more evolved being, "Oh, I've worked through that already, you just gotta catch up" BUT, I think I just realized that maybe, he's mirroring back to me my dormant demons. I have my own addiction too. Holy cow.
I'm no different from him. Again, I am awakened to another reality. Yes, I'm mad at him that I have to learn through one of my worst fears right now but, he is the best person to learn from. Yes, I'm pissed that she still contacts him. Yes, I'm even more pissed that he allows it. I'm just plain pissed at the situation BUT I don't deny that God did send me someone with full cushion capabilities to learn a big lesson. At the end of the day, it was handled with much love and respect for one another. I'm not mad...anymore..............errrr...........right now. ;)
I guess I'm just mad that I can't help him. But, I know I don't belong in his hell. Neither he in mine. It's not just him that has dragons to slay, I do too. And it's a personal journey. I can't follow him, he can't follow me, I can't rescue him, he can't rescue me, all we can do is hold space for one another to just BE with compassion, love, and respect. Done.
Which reminds me of a story I heard......
There once were two women living in a kingdom. Both wanted a child so badly. Unfortunately, one could not have one. She went cuckoo and stole the other woman's baby. Battle ensued when the other found out. They took it to the King. The King said that the only way to solve the problem was to cut the baby in half so they can both have him. Just as the sword was coming down to slice the baby in half, the biological mother intervened. She said she'd let the other woman have the baby, whole, if it meant that the baby would live. The King gave the baby back to the biological mother because he knew only real LOVE can let go.
So, what is love? Is it about having, owning, possessing, claiming? OR is it about letting go, letting it be, allowing, giving space, creating space, holding space, freeing? Which is it for you? I choose the latter. I know I am consciously deciding to operate from my Higher Self as much as I can. I want to operate from LOVE as much as I can.
If I can wish him anything, it's a meaningful journey. And I hope he finds his freedom. I wish you to be free B. You know I'm grateful to you for SO MUCH. :*)
That IS LOVE, and so it is.
Have a lovely week peeps.
with LOVE,
Alex
P.S.
I've been pampering/retail therapying myself. A commercial check came just at the perfect time. Don't plaaaay. :)
1. camera
2. diamond microdermabrasion
3. laser hair removal
I know. I do what I gotta do to feel good and look good. I got the facial and laser through Lifebooker. You get amazing deals...like Groupon but, for more beauty related stuff.
And here's their link as my referral. You get $10 whenever a friend signs up.
http://www.lifebooker.com/referral/alexandraychoi
I made a tag video about feeling good and looking good. You may have seen it...take a peek, it's short and cute.
A song I love and have been listening to on repeat. It's a beautiful song. I got to see them live once...amazing.
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