I feel like I'm performing an exorcism on myself.
I just received a phone call from the guy I'm dating. He's experiencing curiosity with other women.
One of my worst fears of all time. My significant other telling me he wants to see other people. There I said it. It's out of me. As it shivers down my body.
What do you do with this information? I immediately felt my body's reaction....my breathing became very shallow, my face was getting hot, and I could feel all the cells in my body tingling and extra sensitive. I wanted to strike back.
What do you do with this information? I immediately felt my body's reaction....my breathing became very shallow, my face was getting hot, and I could feel all the cells in my body tingling and extra sensitive. I wanted to strike back.
But I didn't. I listened first and then thanked him instead. Why? Because of who I AM now, who he is now, and what we have now.
A lil backstory on Alex's precious heart.
When I was 13, I met a boy. I was a big church girl growing up and our youth group would put on a show once a year, called Jubilee. David, the boy I crushed on, was three years older, and he was one badass drummer. I remember he looked different and more mature than other boys I knew. He had longer hair, baggier jeans, but, he wore glasses so he was a perfect combination of bad boy meets intellectual.
I just wanted to be his girlfriend so badly. For 3 years, I never told him, showed him how I felt. Instead, I just wrote everything in my diary.
This is pretty much what I wrote every night before going to bed.
"Dear God,
I love David so much. I want to marry him one day. I think we would make the perfect couple. I am praying to you to make him my boyfriend and I promise you that even though he breaks my heart, I will never ever blame you, because I asked for it. Thank you and in Jesus name I pray, Amen."
There you have it. I was fearless about love. I put my heart on the line...the experience of being with David, good or bad, surpassed my fears about getting hurt.
After three years of saying and writing the same prayer every night, David and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. Yaaay! Now, a year of pure bliss...then....change. In the second year, David called me about once a month telling me he needed to go on a 'break' and think about what he wants. He said, 'don't call me, I'll call you'. I cried and cried. My poor college roommates. I remember when I worked for ZARA in New York, I was ringing up a customer and there was a huge line behind her. All of a sudden, I felt my eyes get really hot and I just busted out in tears. My manager came and threw me in the hold closet. Then two weeks go by, he calls and says he's all better. Yaaay! Another couple of weeks of pure bliss, then...same thing. I went along for this ride for a year. No wonder I became an ice queen after that.
I shut down. I became the punisher. I subconsciously and unconsciously punished men and found clever ways to control the situation so I didn't have to get vulnerable and get hurt again.
But, one day I realized what I was doing. I felt extremely sad that I couldn't open up...didn't know how to open up. I wanted to surrender to the kind of love that's possible for me. Surrender to ALL that comes with loving that fearlessly. The sweet, painful, and inevitable paradox is that with love, there's loss. With love, there's pain. There's no escaping it.
My mom's calling me right now. I can't pick up. It would break her heart knowing that her daughter's heart is hurting and angry. But, I'm also growing in this time with myself so I hope she understands. I'll call you tomorrow Mom.
No escaping it. But, there is a beautiful way to see it. Even through the tears and anger. I can't help but to see the lessons in life now. I can't help but to trust God/The Universe more now. I know in my heart that my lesson is to keep learning. And trust that my life will happen exactly the way it's suppose to.
So back to me and my guy now. I don't know where this will go. All I know is I am just grateful to him for opening up to me. That's some vulnerable place you gotta go to, to tell somebody that, and I give him mad props on that one. But, things are different now. So, it really boils down to, WHAT DO I WANT? Simple.
And it's what I really want, not what my Ego wants. Because my Ego wants to say, 'F*ck you', my Ego wants to give him an ultimatum and say, 'If you don't know now, then peace out', my Ego feels betrayed, my Ego wants to be the one in charge and end things on my terms, my Ego wants to just shut down altogether, my Ego wants to curse him out.....and I'm letting my Ego do its thing at the moment...because it has valid reasons for feeling this way. But I also understand that my Ego is triggered to want all this because it's scared. This situation only triggered things in me that needed to come up...he and the situation is NOT why I'm feeling this way. If anything, it's showing me where more healing can take place.
I know I talk a lot about feeling your way through life. Go with how you feel. What does your body tell you? Yes, I didn't attack back even though my body wanted to...but, that doesn't mean I denied any part of myself. I knew why my body was reacting that way. Because it was simply REACTING to my past wounds, my past Ego bruises, my past fears. I wanted to RESPOND to him in a way that vibrated with my higher nature.
What would I want from this man if I was going through what he's going through? How can I be more compassionate to him and myself in this situation? Because, the fact of the matter is, I still like him, he still likes me, and we still want to see each other. We have an uncanny understanding of one another. And what he's feeling is natural and I'm glad to be in on his thoughts, feelings, and experience. I'm glad that he feels safe enough to express and share his private feelings with me. Because let's be honest, I'm no angel. I have feelings just like him...I just didn't have the balls to tell him. He's teaching me a lot already.
Even though a part of me wants to still 'punish' him and take it all away, never to talk to him again, at the end of the day, it doesn't serve neither of us. I've had moments of observing our conversation, observing myself as a participant in the conversation and I knew that this was actually the best thing that could be happening for the both of us. We're growing as we speak! It's really a win-win situation because whether we're learning about one another to build something stronger together, OR we're preparing one another for what's to come.
I'm committed to growing and stretching in this lifetime as much as I can. I may be going through a growth spurt of some sort...spiritually speaking, and I expect some growth pains to come with it. Moment to moment Alex...moment to moment lil one.
I don't expect anyone to love me exactly how I want to be loved. If I believed that, then I'd only be setting those Souls up for failure. I'd find a way for them to fail me. Even just the thought of making someone the reason for my happiness...having someone make me his reason for happiness....too much pressure. I used to think this was romantic....No Way. The Perfect Love is between me and God. Everyone else is a mirror of that love. When I can release the need to make someone fit into my definition of who I think my partner should be, that's when Love becomes Love.
Nothing ever stays the same for long. Because our existence is meant for growth. And growth doesn't happen when change doesn't happen. I thank change. I welcome change. It's all opportunities for me to expand and see what I'm really made of.
I got a feeling I'm on the right track. :*)
To another week of opening up to Life and Love......have a great week peeps.
with LOVE,
Alex
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