"Farewell Blogger, But First An Announcement." Youtube, Here I Come! Week 2

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week......

*   Just a heads up ladies and gentlemen!!  This blog will have a new home and this is the LAST POST on Blogger.  Waaahhhhhh....it's bittersweet.  It's great that I'll have my very own cyber home, however, I raised my baby here for 5 years so I'm a little sad.  All posts thus far will remain here as 'Archives' so feel free to visit whenever you want.  :D   Here we goooooooo!!!



Now on to the main attraction.....


A new announcement, ladies and gents!!


Diary Of The THRIVING Actress and HOT n FUNNY Asian Chick will be going LIVE!!!!!


Aaahhhhh.  As you know from a previous post, my goal for 2015 is Youtube.  It's all about creating my own content and getting more exposure.  You can read that post HERE.

And to do that, I know what I have to do.  It's gonna be a little messy at first, but fuck it.  So, please bear with me as I try some things out.

Here's my game plan.

I'm just going to live stream everything and anything.  Why?  Because it's the best way for me to pump out as much content.  I've been a little stuck with making videos for couple of years because I have so many ideas but, actually shooting it, and editing it, it's a lot of work.  Plus I have my blog to write too, and I'm doing some fashion things as well on my site.  I've got a lot of work cut out for me.  So, this way, I'm alleviating some labor on my end, and I can just be the talent.  And when I do broadcast live, and you're not able to make it, fear not because the video/show will be saved to my Youtube channel or my website so you can view it at your convenience.  Yessssssss.

I'll definitely give you all a heads up on when and what I'll be broadcasting about, but sometimes, I  may not.  This is because I feel like I may want to blog live about how my day went before going to bed, or let's say something really pissed me off and I learned something from it and it could be funny to just talk it out.......I don't know.  I'm not formatting things too rigidly right now, the only format and structure is that I'm just going to do it.  

I'm sabotaging my self-sabotaging habits, pretty much.  The perfectionist in me is going dowwwwwwnnnn.  I know what my patterns are, and I'm trying to catch myself before I get to that self-doubt place where it kills my creativity, and stunts my growth as an artist.  If I have too much time and space between when the ideas are born, to actually getting it done, then it starts to pile up and I don't do any of it.

I do know what works and what doesn't for me.  So, as scary as it is, because it's all very new, I somehow feel like this can be a niche for me.  I feel like this is what I'm suppose to be doing.

So, get ready to see some real and raw stuff......and all in REAL TIME.  Isn't that excitng?!  It's like improv, guys!  I don't know what the hell's going to happen.  I don't know what I'm going to say....well, I know what I'll talk about but, it won't be scripted is what I'm sayin.  Also, I'm planning on maybe streaming live as I wake up in the mornings and I do my meditation, or I do my kundalini yoga.....maybe another day while I'm putting on my make-up and I can talk about the religion and philosophy. Who knows?  This is giving me so much freedom, and I'm loving it.

So, here's the first live stream!  Actually, my web designer and I were testing it out.  This was just before I was about to go to bed too.  I had no idea that anyone was watching, or could watch.  Turns out, someone was....you'll see if you make it to the end.  I'm sharing this because as embarrassing as it is, I said I was going to give you real and raw stuff.....so, here you go.









I'll see you guys over at my new home soon.   Yaaay!!!!


Have a THRIVING week, peeps!


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"To Sell Your Soul Or Not Sell Your Soul..." Youtube, Here I Come! Week 1.

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week......

*  Hope you had a fun and safe New Year.  I hope all your goals for this year comes true.  It's game time, guys........let's do this shit.




Now on to the main attraction......


This isn't about selling your soul.  This is about finding your Soul.

You've all heard the expression 'selling your soul to the devil in exchange for fame and fortune', yes?

Well, guess what?  You know I've come face to face with this a few times already.  Let me tell you the devil isn't red with a pitchfork.  The devil is what you give your power over to, what drains you, what makes you underestimate yourself, what makes you unhappy, what keeps you in a vicious cycle, what feels heavy, what feels like no hope except the hope it wants to give to you, what makes you feel like a slave to something, etc.....  And the devil can come in many many forms.

As you know, I have quit smoking cigarettes and pot.  Whaaaaaaat.  Here are the two posts on why and how......click here for the post about cigarettes, and click here for the post about pot.

They were my devil.  I don't believe in Heaven and Hell as a place you go to after you die.  I believe they are here; they are where my mind goes to, where my heart goes to.  It's not a physical destination.

I sold pieces of my Soul to these things with the hope that they were going to return value to me somehow.  Instead, they were sucking the life out of me....literally and figuratively.

Somehow, artists have fallen into the trap of believing that if you're tortured or mad, you're more talented and creative.  Maybe.  I definitely fell into that trap.  Thinking that cigarettes came with the package with being a writer, and pot came with being more creative.

LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES

I was able to do some things while smoking cigs and pot, but now that I'm sober, I can do double, triple that.  Don't play.  Sobriety is bringing good feelings, and the good feelings are giving me the energy to forge ahead with my plans and goals, the way I wanted to.

I've been the tortured artist, and I'm done with it.  What I'm here to do isn't as a tortured Soul, but as a radiant, vibrant, energetic, strong, healthy, balanced, and happy Soul.  I feel as though I needed to go through some shit to find out who I really am and now I'm ready to let that part of me go.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't have a dark side....I absolutely have a dark side and that will never go away, nor do I want it to....BUT, I just don't have to live there anymore.

I love my dark side.  She gives me some of my material.  I don't ever want her to leave me..she's one of my best friends.........but, we do have to have a different dynamic now.  I'm re-establishing some boundaries.  I'm the boss and I only go to her for material now.

My Soul's meant to fly, you know.  So is yours.  I hope we all one by one get to release things that no longer serve us, and we can have the courage to begin with one step towards the life we're meant to live.  This is my wish for myself and everyone on this planet.  I wish for everyone to have inner peace...because guys, inner peace is the jumping point for it all.

I didn't move out here to be tortured and miserable...I moved out here to fulfill my life's purpose and I can only do that putting my 100% of myself and my Soul into it.  


Have a THRIVING week, SuperStars.


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Turning Over A New Leaf. Part 2." Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 52.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  Last two days of 2014!!!  I wanted to get one last post in before the year is gone.  Ladies and gents, we made it through another year.  Thank God and Thank you!!  Happy New Year to you and your fam!  I'll see you all on the flip side.  :)

Oh yeah, and I saw this on Insta and the caption said, "Time flies when you stay exactly the same."  Bah hahahahaha!!

*  Woo hoo!!  I just got another callback for a commercial while writing.  This one's another big one.  Wish me luck.


Now on to the main attraction......

I went into the hospital again.

This time for coughing up blood.

I know I have a flair for drama, but going into emergency twice in three months seem more like crazy wake-up calls, don't you think?

You know I manifested this, right?  For the post about the first time I went to the hospital, click here.  Since then, I have quit smoking cigarettes after smoking for 20 years.  I knew something had to give for me to quit smoking cigarettes.  Something had to scare the shit out of me.  I no longer wanted cigarettes to be a part of my life and my future, but I just didn't know if it was possible.  So, I manifested getting admitted into emergency.  But, you know what else I  manifested too?  The Kerry Gaynor Method which helped me quit cold turkey and now it's been over 2 months.

Cut to:  4 am this morning.  I woke up coughing all of a sudden as if I had a cold and needed to get some mucous/phlegm out.  I kept coughing and coughing, but no phlegm....just felt like water in my mouth.  I thought it was a little strange, but being that it was 4 am, still super dark, my brain wasn't even up yet, and I just wanted to fall back asleep.  But I couldn't.  Because the coughing wouldn't stop.  Finally, I just got up to go the bathroom to spit out the 'water'.  I turn on the light, go to the sink, get a good cough, and spit.  Blood.  Straight up RED RED RED BLOOD.  And this wasn't the kind of blood that you see because your gums are bleeding or you bit your tongue by accident....this was as if I was gargling with blood.  Blood all up in my mouth, coating my teeth and tongue.

What the fuck?  Is this mine?  I coughed again and spit, coughed again and spit, coughed again and spit to make sure.  It's fucking my blood.  It's coming from inside of me.  This is me bleeding.  This was scaring me even more because I didn't see a cut, an open wound anywhere, I wasn't feeling pain.  The blood wasn't coming from anywhere in my mouth, it was coming from inside....deep down inside of me.

I woke up my roommate again.  This is now the second time I'm waking her ass up to tell her, "Yo, I think I'm dying.  You think you can take me the hospital?"  Oh God, just typing this up makes me laugh.....because if comedy is tragedy plus time....well, then let's fucking laugh about this shit.  I know she loves me and all, but I'm sure she wanted to strangle a bitch.  Ash, thank you for saving my life, yet again.   I can't give you Bells, but I can give you my third born.  :)

Unlike the first time, I was in and out.  Granted I gave them attitude because I was fricking scared and it felt like forever before someone came to get me, but I have to say, Olympia Medical on Olympic Blvd....I LOVE THEM.  All the nurses and only one Doctor.....Doctor Wu.  The other doctors can suck my _______ but, Doctor Wu was awesome.  Got checked out, took an x-ray, turns out my blood vessel(s) popped in my throat somewhere.  Huh?  Who freaking knew there were blood vessels in your throat?  All my life, people have been saying that if you cough up blood then you're in some deep shit.  I thought I was in deep shit.  Let's just say I smoke more than your average and I like taking good hard and long bong rips or smoking blunts.  Shit's gotta hurt the throat or it's a waste.  That's why I was so scared....I thought this was it for me and I did it to myself.  I was literally preparing myself mentally for things I couldn't control.

Did you know that lung cancer happens like that?  You can be a smoker and be fine and then bam, all of a sudden you cough up blood, go to the hospital, and the doctor tells you "Sorry, you have six months to live."  There are no symptoms with lung cancer.   The symptom is your cancer.  That's it.  When you smoke, you're gambling your life.  You really are.  And when I was a smoker I thought, "Yeah, well, I ain't dead yet."  The truth is, it's not the last puff that's going to kill me, it's the next one.  Just because "I'm still here" doesn't mean I'm still going to be.  I've dealt with consequences in the past because I was 'too late'. with certain things.  You know what it's like to not pay your bills on time.  :D  While I can, I am.  I didn't know how much I wanted to live until it could have been taken away from me.  Life is precious.

So, I asked for this....again.  Just like I did the first time.  And God always listens and delivers.

Honestly, I know I can't run my business like this....as a stoner.  I'm laughing at myself right now.  because it sounds so sad and funny, but it's the Truth.  And I have been smoking pot more lately because I'm so stressed about my website and E-Commerce.  I had this romantic idea that if Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, and other Hollywood stoners can do it, I can do it too.  Right now I'm even entertaining the idea that maybe if I just cut down, maybe if I just don't wake and bake then I'll get more stuff done and I'll be happier.  LIES.  Truth is, there is no cutting down for me.  One hit automatically becomes 20 hits and the devil's got me for the day....I am his.  I don't like feeling this way.  I don't like feeling powerless to something.  I gave pot my power, now I'm taking it back.  I'm not my best when I'm stoned.  I'm not even half of me.  It's a dark dark place and I chose to go there every day.  My job is to feel...to feel it all, think about it all, and then express it all.  Smoking makes me doubt myself, underestimate myself, loathe myself.  Smoking keeps me away from my dreams.  This is slow suicide.  I will not go like this.

Because of The Kerry Gaynor Method though, I don't believe in addictions anymore.  Hallelujah.  This alone is a huge paradigm shift.  You know that saying, "once you're an addict, always an addict"?  Yeah, no.  It's not about addiction, it's about belief.  I believe in the power of self-healing through self-love.  I believe in mastering your own mind so you don't become a servant to it.  I believe there's help and hope if you want it and seek it out.  The fact that I am free of cystic acne, all freaking naturally and holistically, taught me that once you shatter your old belief, you can create a whole new paradigm for yourself and you will see it in the physical world if you need to 'see proof'.   I see proof every day when I look in the mirror and see how clear my face is....even without make-up.   I'm in my thirties and I barely wear make-up now unless I have to.  I mean, I'll fill in my eyebrows and throw on mascara and lipstick but, foundation and concealers?  No, thank you.  If I have to wear make-up, I stick to BB creams or tinted moisturizers.  This may not sound like a big deal to some, but for me...HUGE.

I feel like I'm slowly but surely peeling off one layer at a time to discover who the hell I really am.  This is my path.  This is my journey.  I don't do things perfectly, but this the trajectory of my life.....to create the life I want, and I plan on doing this with one self-caring, self-loving thing at a time.

My goal, not just for 2015, but for life is to perform at my optimal and see what I'm really capable of.  Because I'm capable of great things.  Ever since I was a little girl, I thought I was special.  And I had magical powers.  My relationship with God goes way back and I always felt like I was his favorite, and it was our secret.  I lost that feeling for a while but, it's coming back.  Actually, I'm summoning it back to me.  Yes, go with the flow and all of that, but, be PROactive too.  Tell Life what it is you want, don't want, and take no shit.  I am going to create the life I imagine for myself.  I'm already doing it.  2015, I can't wait to see what we are going to do together.

I've been writing things down feverishly.  This is a stack of index cards full of ideas, missions, visions, goals, quotes, one-liners, symbols for my art and career.  I have no excuse for 2015.  I have enough ideas, and I have more time and energy.

So, here's a little something to cigs and weed.  I know Mastin, the founder of one of my favorite blogs of all time, The Daily Love, wrote a little goodbye letter to his addiction, sugar.  I'm going to write one to mine.


Dear Cigs and Mary J.


It's been a wild ride, guys.  You guys have been there for me when I needed you most.  Thank you.

Cigs, you were there for me since I was 12.  We had so much fun, didn't we?  Always cutting school and hiding out at pool halls and smoking a shit ton.  How cool you made me look.  How cool you made me feel.  I even believed I smelled cool.  And you always knew how to keep me company too, like when I was on the phone, when I was driving, when I was waiting, when I was bored, when I was writing....I could always count on you.  You even took my father's place when he and my mother separated.  He was a smoker as long as I could remember so by my smoking, I still had a piece of him  with me.  So, thank you for that.

Mary J, you've been there for me for 10 years now.  Wow.  I can't believe I've had longer relationships with you and cigs than I've had with people.  Our relationship started when I moved out here and the sticky icky got me.  Hahaha.  Not really.  A boy did and he was pothead.  We became very close and when we broke up, I took you on just like I did with my cigs when my father left.  You've also kept me company, but you also provided me with the ability to numb things out when it needed to be.  There were times where my heart couldn't handle certain things and I felt like I didn't know what to do, and you helped me get through them.  I am so grateful to you.

But, things have changed.  You're not helping anymore.  Not for nothing, but cigs and weed, you're killing me.  And the fact that I've been in the hospital now twice in three months, I can't ignore this anymore.  It's funny how you started out as my savior and now you're the one who's killing me.  I'm shutting you down.  I'm sorry.  No, I'm not sorry.  You almost tried to kill me twice, you fuckers.  I loved you once but, you gotta get the fuck out of my life now.  I sending you off with love though.  And I really am so grateful to you for bringing me this far.  Because, to give you some credit, I couldn't have done it without you.  But, the truth is, I can now.  I got this now.  I have healthy tools in my life now like meditating and kundalini to get me through tough and scary times.  I'm gonna be fine.

So, my dear cigs and weed....I won't miss you.  I hope you won't miss me either.  It was a great freaking ride.  I'll always have a special place in my heart for you, but this is where we say goodbye.



with gratitude,

x Alex






Having a THRIVING week, peeps.


with MAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"2015 New Year's Resolution and Goal". Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 51.

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week......

*  How cute are my stickers?  Business cards and retail tags are on its way.  Yaaay!!!  Thank you to my friend Mindy for creating one of my lovely logos.

Now on to the main attraction....



New Year's Resolution and Goal(s) for 2015............and I already started.

1.

After 20 years of smoking and not having gone more than a day or two without a cig......today, I have been a non-smoker for 1 month 29 days 2 hours.  Booyah!!!!!  Thank you Kerry Gaynor Method, #StopSmokingStartLiving, and God.  :)

2.  Youtube

Youtube Youtube Youtube, ladies and gentlemen.  This is going to be a MAJOR game-changer/player in media and entertainment.  It is already, but I think it's going to get even bigger.  I would probably start thinking of a Youtube channel as online real estate, just like domain names.  Think about it....Netflix.  Television will become obsolete one day.  My kids are going to be like, "Television?  Mom, what's that?"  Youtube's already GLOBAL and the community is strong.  The things that will come out of Youtube in the future.....holy, I can only imagine. 

My goal for 2015 is to hit up Youtube again.  Instead of "Television, Here I Come!", for 2015, it's "Youtube, Here I Come!"  My calling is in creating my own content.  I'm a personality.  This is something that has been becoming more and more evident over the years.  I'm an actress AND personality.  Actually, I think I'm more of a personality than an actress, which is probably why my body of work has been all non-scripted stuff.  I have a message.  I have a vision.  I have opinions.  I have things that happen in my head that I MUST get out in some shape or form.  Basically, I have to create my own content.

And Youtube is the perfect platform for me to do that.  I have creative freedom and control to create the content I want, and not what someone else wants.  My Youtube channel is my voice.  There's something very powerful in that.  Guys, do you realize that your Youtube channel is your network/studio/production company?  On a platform that's free with global access?!?!  I mean, seriously.....I don't why this is just blowing my mind like crazy right now.

 Any ways, I even want to do merchandising in the future....which means, there has to be a solid brand first.  My hope is to become a branding queen in a few years and I believe Youtube is one of the best ways to do that.  The fact that anyone can make a video, put it up on the web and it's all fair game from there.  Even typing this makes me emotional because this is all I ever wanted......a fair shot, you know?  Because you give me a fair shot, I'm takin that shit.  

I'm getting my Youtube channel ready for 2015 now.  I have a shit ton of ideas I have written down.  One by one, let's do this.  

I spent this past weekend uploading some of my greatest Instagram hits.  Hahaha.  Thanks to Instagram and its point shoot video, I have been able to practice telling a story in 15 seconds.  I think it's been very helpful for me as an actress, director, and editor.  

Some you have seen, some you have not.  I never posted and just archived some because self-doubt kicked in.  :D  Well, I grew some balls over the weekend and decided, "Eh, fuck it."  The never before seen ones will be private until my website goes live, but feel free to catch up on some oldies  but goodies.  CLICK HERE for the IG hits playlist.

But, I'll release one 'never before seen' video.  Enjoy!  :D

I hope to see you on Youtube.  Click Here to subscribe to my channel if you haven't already.  :)  Peace and have a THRIVING week, peeps.  

with MAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"You betta check yo'self before you wreck yo'self". Television, Here I Come......Again! Week 50.

One of my personalities, "Choi".  Her trademark is the hoop earrings.  More on her and rest of personalities coming soon too.  :)

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  Yaaay!!!  My logos are here!  I have three logos now.  NEW YORKIE CHOI is my company/business name.  It's like 'the mother' to the sub-brands.  I have also decided to use the same name for my shop.  Then, my sub-brands....the two 'older kids', Diary Of The THRIVING Actress and HOT n FUNNY Asian Chick.

Now on to the main attraction......

You better check yo'self before you wreck yo'self.          - Ice Cube

I'm a monster these days.  An entitled, intolerant monster.  I'm writing this post to check myself.

This whole 'starting my own business' thing is turning me into a raging lunatic.  I have moments where I 'lose it'.  I 'lost it' with a sweet Korean lady at the Korean supermarket because I already purchased something, and on my way out, I realized I forgot to buy kimchi.  I went back in, got kimchi and went to a different register.  Long story short, the second lady needed proof of first purchase (I threw out the receipt, duh), which meant it would take 2-3 more minutes out of my day.  It pissed me off so much that I kind of scolded her.  I scolded a fifty something Korean lady (I was brought up to respect my elders so while this was happening, there was also a mindfuck happening because I could not believe who I was being).  Now, I also could have just went back to the first lady, not even worry about proof of purchase, pay for my kimchi there and be done with it, but noooooooooooo.....not this day, not this hour.  How dare she question my integrity and waste my precious time?!?!?!  I was out for blood, ladies and gentlemen.  I committed to losing that 2-3 minutes of my day now, and she was going to pay.  

I drove home verbally and mentally slapping myself afterwards because I felt like a disgusting human being.  

And this has been going on.  And I can't stop.  I'm sure I can, but I'm not trying hard enough.  And then this makes me feel shitty so, guess what, I need another victim to scold and 'teach a lesson' to......and so on and so on.  The struggle is real.  The hustle is real.  :D

But, the point of this post is to check myself........with love.

I'm acting like a raging lunatic because I'm just scared to fail.  I'm scared to lose, I'm scared to get hurt, I'm scared to disappoint, I'm scared to change, I'm scared to prove the naysayers right, I'm scared to feel misunderstood, what else.......I'm scared to make mistakes, I'm scared to get used, I'm scared to 'get the short end of the stick', I'm scared to lose control, I'm scared to feel unheard, I'm scared to feel like a nobody, I'm scared to feel like a somebody.  I'm scared that if I feel like anything or anyone may throw me off course, I want your head, and I'm a woman with a new mission.  But the woman taking off heads is really just the little girl in me that's scared.  

That's kind of crazy, isn't it?  That my monster is really a scared little girl just trying to protect herself and do things perfectly.  

:)

I think I just checked myself.   With love.

Checkmate, mate.

Ok, gotta go.  Byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Have a THRIVING week, peeps.  Go take off some heads.  Bah hahahaha.  :D

with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Setting Up Shop!". Television, Here I Come.....Again! Week 45-49.

Herro from the Choi ladies!

Dear Diary,


Here's my offering to you this week......

*  "I'm not a businessman.  I'm a business, man."  Jay-Z.

As my website is slowly but surely underway, I'm constantly finding myself tweaking and honing my brand.  Maybe this is why it's taking a little longer too.  But this is making me think bigger for myself, and do bigger for myself.

I'd like to announce that my official company/business name is NEW YORKIE CHOI !!  This is a name that carries with it many special meanings for me.  So, from now on, you do business with moi, you do business with NYC......even the acronym is perfect....(Joy Choi pointed that out).  And my friend is working on the logo for me.  Very freaking exciting.

Filed for my DBA this past week.  I'm working with a small business consultant, Tara who is helping me through each step and process.  This isn't hard, but it's not easy either.  It's just tedious.  It's actually kind of fun if you think about it because I always knew there was an entrepreneur in me....and now that I'm taking the steps, it just feels...........well duh, about time!

*  I started reading Sophia Amoruso's book, #GIRLBOSS.  Started out slow for me, but I'm starting to really dig it now....Sophia knows a little about MAGIC and allowing that element into your path and journey.  She's also a huge advocate for HARD WORK.  That's my kind of combo, that's my kind of girl.  It gives great insights about listening to your gut, practical things like saving money, and having fun along the way.  I'm lovin it.


Now on to the main attraction......



Ladies and gentlemen, I never wanted to call myself an expert at anything but, I think I'm going to retract that.  I believe I have sufficiently put in my 10,000 hours and I can call myself an expert, a professional when it comes to shopping.  No joke.  (In case you're wondering about this 10,000 hour rule thing, check out Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers).

So, I am setting up shop.  Online.  Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!

I'll be doing some light buying and reselling of some of my favorite pieces I find...just accessories for now.  I'm an accessories whore if you haven't noticed.  And whenever I go shopping, I always buy an extra or two for my sister and friend(s).  Well, now I'm buying a little  more extra, and they will be available to purchase on my website.  They will be super duper limited, until I make more money to buy more.  Then again, I like the idea of 'once they're gone, they're gone' type of thing.  I don't like mass production.  I like to carefully curate.  And I don't want to carry something for too long.  Enjoy it and let it go, you know?  I just got hit with something....this in relation to my love life.  Eh, another post.

Anyways guys, I'm so excited about this because shopping is my forte.  I can shop harder than anyone I know....and I don't get tired from it.  Not for nothing, I get energized.  It really gets my blood flowing.  And that is why, I always shop alone.  No one can hang and honestly,  I feel bogged down by others.  I'm lying.  Unless it's my sister.  I feel confident I can be a productive shopper with her.  We've mastered this shit down, you understand?  She and I will shop like our life depended on it....you should have seen us in Korea, it was like Heaven for us.  But, even in Heaven, sisters fight.  Bah hahahaha....the fights, the make-ups,  the barely eating, the hunt for public bathrooms, the wheeling and dealing with different vendors,  we pretty much just went to Korea to take naps so we can live, breathe, shopping there.  Oh God, I miss it.  Did you know my aunt and uncle took me to Dong Dae Moon, which is a 24/7 mall-like shopping town, not just a building or street, they're streets and streets and streets, they even go underground in some places, I mean, it's monstrous, and my first time there, I shopped from 11pm to like 7 or 8am the next morning.  I can feel my blood pumpin just talking about this right now.  God.

It's also a very private and sacred thing for me, shopping.  It's meditative.  I try something on and see how I feel, what I like, what I don't like,.....it's time for me to check in with myself.  I think this is why I don't like to go shopping with others because it's just my time to be alone.  I rarely need opinion on how anything looks, because this is where I completely trust myself.  And if feels good.  No matter how old I get, clothing and accessories will forever make me feel like the little giddy girl in me playing dress up and having her own fashion show in front of a long mirror.  This is one of my happy places.

So, I made a video.  Bells and I made this video.  I think Bells will have a lot more involvement from now on.  The company is named after her, after all.  This is a 'commercial' of sort.  For The Shop.  Yeah, a 3 minute commercial....I know, I'm still working on the logistics.

 This is to introduce you to some of the first few pieces that will be available on the website.  Yesssssssss.  Sound quality is horrible so I'm saving money to get better mic but, hope you guys like.







Have a THRIVING week, peeps.



with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Turning Over A New Leaf....Bye Cigs!" Television, Here I Come....Again! Week 42-44.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....

*  I just got a call while I was writing this that I'm ON AVAIL for a commercial.  Wish me luck!

*  Here's a new video!  Guys, I'm getting back to making more videos.  Here's a little introduction to some of the ladies you'll be meeting shortly.  Welcome,  mah bitches!!!  :D :D

Now on to the main attraction.....

Well, let me begin by saying..........boom boom BOOM!  

Yes, that's right....I am a non-smoker for life now.  Ladies and gentlemen, I have been a closet-smoker for 20 years.  We started early in Brooklyn.  I haven't gone more than 1 or 2 days tops without a cigarette in probably 10 years.   Until NOW.  Whaaaaaaaaaaat.

I started smoking a pack a day.....Newports at that.  Then in high school I wanted to be more healthier so I switched to Newport Lights.  And then in college, went even more healthier by switching to Parliament Lights because they had the air filters.....big whoop.  And then since moving to Los Angeles, I only smoked Organic American Spirit, the dark blue box....I became a snobby smoker just to make myself feel better about smoking.  And for years, I cut down from one pack to maybe 5 cigs a day....but, this year, I have been back up to about half a pack a day.

My family doesn't really know I smoke.  I've been caught by Joy Choi, my mother a few times with cigarettes dropping out of my bag and maybe once or twice out of my mouth....I would deny deny deny.  Even now when I go back home to visit, Joy Choi asks me from time to time, "Do you smoke?"  And I'm like, "Yes, but just occasionally" because I can't lie to her, but I never admitted to being an actual 'everyday smoker'.  All my close friends know I smoke, but acquaintances and people I meet, not so much.  I actually recently posted a picture of me smoking on Instagram and people were like, "What?  You don't smoke!"  Honestly, I felt like they were judging me....which meant I was really judging me.  So many rules around smoking in my head....I'm sick of it.  It's time to be done with this shit.  You know what I'm sayin?

I got a little divine intervention....pun intended.  Read on.

I wrote in my last post about losing a lot of weight recently, and not by choice.  I went into emergency about a month ago.  I woke up one morning feeling nauseous, I broke out into a cold sweat, and my body wouldn't stop shaking.  I kept trying to throw up, but nothing.  I couldn't position myself to feel better.  My skin color turned like yellow-green....I did not look okay at all.  My roommate rushed me to emergency.  From there, things got scary fast.  

Can you imagine someone tugging on your big toe just to keep you awake when all you want to do is close your eyes and sleep?  "Hey, you're gonna stay awake for us, right?"  Just hearing that makes you feel like you'll accidentally die if you allow yourself to sleep.  Your survival instincts kick in........how badly do you want to live?  You have no control over your body but, you have the power to decide whether you want to fight or give up.

Can you imagine hearing a nurse talk to your roommate and asking about your health history and family info, and even mentioning a living will?  A f*cking living will.

Can you imagine constantly hearing the heart rate monitor beeping because your heart rate won't stop dropping and no one could figure out why, and they're sticking defibrillators on you just in case they have to resuscitate you?

I had no control over anything.  Not even my own breath.  Inhaling was difficult, exhaling was worse....it made me even more nauseous and as if my body was at war with itself.  I had no choice but to surrender.....surrender to the pain, surrender to my body, surrender to the doctors and nurses, surrender to God/The Universe.....just surrender.  

I'm not very good at surrendering.  So having no choice was probably the best thing that could have happened.

Did you know I asked for this?  I kid you not, I asked for a divine intervention.  Quitting smoking has been on my mind for a long long time.  And I always felt like a slave to it.  And I felt hopeless that I would forever be a slave to it.  I prayed and prayed that God/The Universe will somehow intervene and just take away the desire to smoke.  I knew with my type of stubbornness, an 'event' needed to happen....something that will shift my perception of smoking.....basically, something needed to scare the shit out of me.  I didn't want to say, but I did...something a little more traumatic, you know, to shake me up.  I didn't think it was actually really getting sick and going into the hospital for it......and I'll be paying for it too so, good reminder there.

Right before I got discharged, the head nurse who was taking care of me (who also happened to be my friend's mother....crazy) walked me around the floor a bit.  Well, of course, there would be lung cancer/lung disease patients on my floor.  That's how The Universe works.  I saw a woman laying in her bed.   I only poked my head in for a quick second  because she had family with her, but my nurse said, "Alex, you never ever want to be hooked up, especially to that machine."  I asked, "Why?"  "Because you have no control over anything.  The machine just pumps air in and out of you constantly, and you're not even conscious most of the time."

Omg, I just felt what that would feel like.....to not have control over your body, your mind, and your breath.   But, I only dealt with it for maybe 8 hours and then I was myself again.  Not for her....this is it.  Honestly, that's some scary shit to see, and it made me feel a lot of stuff....scared, anger, guilt, hopeless, numb..........All that discomfort I felt from it, I went home and immediately had a cigarette, and then some.   Bah hahaha.  Aren't we funny creatures?  I'm happy I can laugh about this.

My quitting didn't happen right away, but I see these were all strategically placed in my life to help me get to this point.  In a weird way, it's like I was preparing for it.

But, preparing and preparing is a vicious cycle in itself.  Sometimes, you gotta resort to the 'band aid' approach and just rip that bitch off.

And cold turkey works....if done the correct way.  I wasn't a believer in the cold turkey method but, I am now.  That's what The Kerry Gaynor Method did, is doing for me.  It's not about addiction guys....it's about belief.  Just change your belief about cigarettes and you'll be FREEEEEEE.  

This is some profound self-love, transformation, healing.  I'm not just letting cigs go, I'm letting 20 years of stuff go too.  There's definitely grieving happening too.  I haven't necessarily started eating more, because my cravings aren't bad, but I have been crying more.  

I'm also learning about what real power is, and what it feels like.  It really does come from within.  It's confronting all those parts of you and dealing.  DEALING with them rather than 'fixing it' and staying busy with a cigarette.  In those moments where I feel like I may cave....I remember, "It's just a MOMENT" and then DEAL with my moment, and then use the tools Kerry Gaynor teaches you.  It's not easy, but it is simple.  You just gotta do it.  

Guys, I'm not scared of anything right now.  I really don't think there's anything I can't do.  I'm walking around like, "What?  You think I'm scared of you?  Pssssssssssshhhhh, I quit smoking cigarettes, son!  Get out of my way."

'Turning over a new leaf' as they say.  I'm thinking of my trip to the hospital like my version of The Ghost Of Christmas Future.  I saw what that next puff can do to me...will do to me.  I see how I stopped myself from creating my worst fear from coming true...dying a slow death with no self-control.  I asked for help and I received help.  Now it's my turn to do my part.

It's time.  It's just time.  I'm doing it because I'm realizing how precious breathing really is.  And to be able to do it on your own.  Another stop on my journey to self-love.  Alllllllll aboard!!

This is when they said I could be a 'walker'.  I can walk by myself as long as I dragged that thing with me.  Again, just glad to be able to smile and laugh about it.  Seriously.

Oh yes, in case you're wondering how I'm doing now.....I'm gonna live.........happily ever after.  For real though, I saw a cardiologist and everything, and got more blood work done....everything came back fine.  I have some theories but, it was one of those strange things that just happen, I guess.  And a shoutout to my roomie for saving my life.  I love you, Ash.  :)

Have a super THRIVING week, peeps.  

As always, 

with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex