'I Get Performance Anxiety'. Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 38.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  I got my first residual check in the mail!  For Criminal Minds!  Thank youuuu!!!  So unexpected but, I do believe I did manifest it.  I literally said to myself, "Huh, I wonder when my next paycheck will come.  Huh, wouldn't that be nice"....a few days later, bam.  :)

*  My first spoken word show is this Wednesday!  My my......how time flies when you're having cold feet.  Wish me luck ya'll.  I was thinking...wouldn't it be funny if I become the performer who doesn't ever want people at my shows?  ;D 

*  Casting director workshops anyone?  

I'm always looking for a great place to workshop.  I've been doing mine at Act Now but, I'm noticing that other places like the Actor's Key run their workshops a bit more intimately, which is what I like.  Like, it's just you, the reader, and casting director.  At Act Now, you're with the whole class (which is good so you get practice being in front of people) but, sometimes they have you vote on each other, which I feel is unnecessary.  

Well, I found a new place, The Actors Link.  There is a membership fee but, it's only $17 for the whole year and you get awesome discounts.  I found out from casting director, Scott David (Criminal Minds).  He loves workshopping there and says it's a great place.  I checked it out and signed up.  I like how they run it.  I'll be starting mine in October.  

*  I had an awesome photoshoot this past weekend.  If you're committed to 'working' or 'getting work', Sallie is the person to see.  She doesn't do your average headshots.  

Did you know that 'Stars', 'Leads' are packaged differently?  You can see it in their pictures.  Not your run of the mill kind...which is what most of us do....and you can get lost in the shuffle.  Just Google some of your favorite celebs or new break-out talents...look through their before and after images.  Sometimes you won't even be able to find their old headshots.  You'll notice that they jump from your typical to something specific and 'all grown up'.  Like they've been groomed, ripened for success.  

This is Sallie's forte.  Sallie gets real specific with who you are.  We spent weeks prior to the shoot where she even researched me (Googled me, watched my youtube videos, etc...) and came up with some looks I was missing.  All my headshots look the same.  I even had a meeting with my agent last week to give her updates on what I'll be doing in the next few months...she even agreed that most of my pictures didn't really showcase Me.  Who knew?  

So, I got 4 looks.  Sallie provides a full-service studio.  There was a whole team to work with me.  Seana for Hair/makeup, Stephanie to make sure the focus was clean and clear, Richard for lighting, and then Sallie, the photographer.  There's usually a wardrobe person too but, since Sallie and I worked on this for weeks, I didn't need one. 

I'm super excited about the pictures.  This couldn't have come at a better time.  Things are magically clicking into place for me...all I have to do is keep taking steps.  :)

This is a pic of me getting ready for my Look 2, business casual.   This is Seana, who did my hair and make-up...I couldn't have been more happier with her work.  I'm usually extremely picky about hair and make-up.  She's amazinggg.  I'd make her my personal make-up artist if I could...soon.  :)

Now on to the main attraction....

I made a vlog, a simple one....I don't have the brain power to write this week but, I had to get a post in. 

I get performance anxiety.  Bad.  

Have a great week.  

with LOVE,

Alex

'FREE Yourself'. Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 37.

Photo by Cammy Kinney Photography.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

I have miracles happening left and right, A-GAIN!  Weeeeeeeeeee!  I have so many moments where I'm so happy that I'm dancing and dancing....twirling and twirling....singing and singing....smiling and smiling......laughing and laughing.....and then getting quiet and still to take it all in with gratitude.  I'm crying happy tears.  :D

You ready for some magical updates?  

*  I'm doing my first spoken word event!  Wednesday, the 19th of this month.  Omg...I'm gonna throw up.  I'm not going to post the venue because I'd like to get this first one out of the way before letting people know.  I'll be doing it once a month at different venues around town so I will for sure let you all know after I 'pop my cherry'.  I'll probably just have my stand-up coach, Suzanne there and couple of friends.  

*  My Scriptcast podcast interview is now available on iTunes!  I did a radio interview last month over at UCLA with ScriptDoctor Eric and TV Wet Nurse Matt.  I made a teaser/trailer vlog for it.  Click here for video.  The interview is FREE.  Good deal.  Subscribe to Scriptcast.  I'm episode 54.  Let me know what you think!

*  'Scary Or Die' is OUT!!  Netflix, Amazon, Redbox, Blockbuster...take your pick!!  Talk about perfect timing....Halloween's right around the corner.  If you loved Tales From The Crypt and Twilight Zone...you're gonna love this.  My sister and I used to stay up late to watch them as a little girls.  Creepy, cute little Asian girls.  :D

It's a horror anthology, with 4 or 5 short stories woven together.  Pretty cool.  I play a vampire.  Hell yeah.  Igor was the director for our story and Igor is the 2nd Unit Director of Photography (he does all the 'action' shots) for blockbuster movies, so you know, the cinematography is beautiful.  Also, Corbin Bleu plays a flesh-eating clown.  Corbin, who is known for High School Musical is all grown up in this one.   

Me, Corbin, and Pasean.  ADR (automated dialogue replacement/dubbing) session for 'Scary Or Die'.

Anna and me.  I loved having fangs.

The ladies of the night.  Don't you want to see the movie now?! :D

*  Which brings me to...........my next GIVEAWAY!!!

Amazing things and people are coming into my world...it's only natural for me to continue the cycle.  I believe outflow determines inflow.  :)

So, one lucky reader will get, not just one but, TWO gifts!  

Gift #1 - You know I love passing along great reads.  My life coach, Justina just came out with her very own book!  Yaaaay!  It's called, How To Be A HAPPY ACTOR in a Challenging Business.  I will buy one and have it signed by Justina, for YOU.  Just for you...with your name and all.  It's your book. :)

Gift #2 - I'm buying an extra copy of 'Scary Or Die' and I will sign this one...just for you.  Hey, you never know, I can be the next Oscar winning actress.  Don't plaaaaaay!  ;)

How will I choose a lucky blog reader?  I'm workin on it.  Check back each week for more info.  :)  And, 'Like' my Facebook Fan Page......for daily updates.   

Now on to the main attraction..... 

I believe another shift has happened within me.....and because it happened internally, I'm seeing it change things externally.  

My relationship with men.

I'll explain Dear Diary.  

I've set some ghosts free that have been haunting me.  My anger with guys from past relationships.  

I was in class this past weekend.  Suzanne wanted me to bring in my alter Ego, Jackie, to begin working on my stand-up persona.  The plan was to give Jackie full permission to let loose and talk about her frustration with men.  

Who is Jackie?  Jackie is my dark side.  Jackie is the one who says and does everything on her mind...without any filter.  Alex is sort of like that but, apologizes for it.  Not Jackie.  Jackie takes no prisoners.  

And since I've been doing some intensive work with my life coach, Justina in the last couple of weeks on 'letting go' of things that no longer serve me anymore, there were painful residuals arising in me from it.  I thought, "Ok, I'm ready to give Jackie a voice and why not use a safe space, like class, to try it."  

I couldn't.  I was ashamed of Jackie and how much she had to say.  How much anger and pain she was carrying.  I felt as if no one would be able to handle her.  I felt like it would scare people.  I felt like people would think I was crazy and I belonged in an insane asylum.  I couldn't 'go there'.  I held back and began getting frustrated.  

Suzanne had me let out a primal scream.  I fought it at first because I was judging Jackie already.  I'm gonna look so 'ugly'.  But, I did it with Suzanne and the class's gentle support.  The class actually did it with me (Thank you).  And it WAS 'ugly' but, in the most beautiful way.  I sat on stage sobbing like a little girl.  And I allowed the class to see Jackie...I saw Jackie...for the first time with love.

Cut to:

I was one of those 'got daddy issues' girl.  For most of my life I was in denial about it.  

My father and mother separated when I was about 12 years old.  I was in junior high school.  My father moved to Korea to take over a business handed over to him by his older sister.  Of course, my parents used this as a way to justify their separating.  But, somewhere deep down, I knew it wasn't the real reason.  They fought a lot.

The days leading up to my father's departure, I was angry but, I held it in.  I was angry and hurt that he was leaving, I was angry and hurt that they were lying to me about the reason, I was angry and hurt that I wasn't calling them out on it.  I didn't express how upset I was by it.  If anything, I acted as if I didn't care.  And this acting like I didn't care became so real that I actually believed it.  "Whatever" was my favorite word.  It's only now that I'm seeing how wounded I was by it.

I remember my father asked me if I could help him dye his hair.  He was turning grey and he believed that his new employees wouldn't take him seriously if they saw how old he was.  I told him 'Yes' but, kept saying, "I'm busy...tomorrow."  

It was finally the day before he was due to leave.  I remember feeling so much anxiety.  I didn't want to be near him.  There was so much I was feeling that I just wanted to avoid it at all cost.  I paced around in my room, knowing he was out in the living room, probably just waiting for me to come out so he can ask me again.  I was looking for reasons to be busy.  

I called my friends and made plans to go hang out with them.  I quickly got dressed and opened my room door.  My father wasn't in the living room.  I knew he was in the house somewhere.  I knew I had to at least tell him that I was going out so I walked back and forth (quickly so he thinks I'm busy) from living room to kitchen to my parents bedroom (pretending to need something from there)...then, I saw him.  From my peripheral.  He was in the bathroom.  

The door was open so I had no choice but to acknowledge him.  He just said, "You're going out?"  I said, "Yeah.  I gotta go meet some friends."  

What I saw destroyed me for years.  I saw my father sitting on a chair in the tub.  He had those plastic gloves on, you know the ones that come in the box with hair dyes.  He was holding the instructions, turning it this way, that way, trying to figure it out for himself.  The reason why he asked me to help him was because he couldn't read the instructions.  He still can't read English.  

Fully knowing this, I still left him alone.  I left him.  I walked out on him.  I was angry that he didn't know how to read English.  I was angry that I had to always translate for my parents.  I was angry with myself that I was being a 'bad' daughter.  I was angry that I wasn't keeping my word when I said I would help him and I knew he would be leaving tomorrow.  I was angry for not saying, "I'm sorry Dad, I want to help you but, I'm mad at you right now."  Clusterf*ck of emotions I didn't know how to deal with.  

So, I just left.  "Whatever, whatever, whatever", I kept telling myself to bury all that I was feeling.  

My father left the next day.  I don't remember if I even went to the airport to send him off.  All I knew was I wasn't going to see him for a long long time.  

I locked myself up in my room for three days straight after he left.  I don't remember eating or sleeping...just sobbing.  I didn't let anyone come into my room.  My mother tried pacifying me but, I was mad at her too.  It felt like all hell broke loose.

Years passed and I began dating.  And when I got involved with a boy, it was like a marriage.  It was intense and I gave my whole heart to him....fearlessly.   I was never afraid of commitment...I just went there....all the way.  But, when my heart got broken, I shut down.  I became the 'whatever' girl again.  It didn't matter what we shared together, it didn't matter how much I loved him, or how much he loved me....I took it all away without thinking twice.  I just left like I left my dad.  They would call and call, and I never answered.  It was over and I saw no point in staying in touch...even as friends.  I trained my heart to be all or nothing.  I believed I was protecting myself from them.  I wanted to teach them a lesson...guess who's paying for it now?  Me.

I was punishing them because I wanted to punish my dad.  

I realized this a couple years ago.  A lot has been taking place inside of me since I've been uncovering layers and layers to discover my true self.  I saw what I was doing and it made me really sad.  But, I knew I had to go further down my rabbit hole because I wanted to heal and become whole again.  

That's where I've been since.  I'm still there in some ways.  But, a shift IS happening.  I don't know how it's going to look or how it's suppose to look...all I know is I'm healing and letting go.  

How do I know?  I have a completely different relationship with my father now.  My father actually moved back to the States when I was in college but, our relationship didn't really change until recently...very recently.  Like a few months, maybe.   A few weeks ago, he called me to check up on me because my aunt, his sister told him about a private conversation she and I had.  I got mad at him because I felt like she betrayed me but, literally as I was giving him an attitude, another part of me, call it my Higher Self, saw that I was still punishing him...by not accepting his love...because it wasn't the the way I wanted it.  We hung up the phone and I felt terrible.  I would have just ignored it and said to myself, "Whatever, we'll get over it" but, this time I knew better.  I called him back.  I apologized and thanked him for checking up on me.  He didn't know what to say to me because all of a sudden, our dynamic was different.  I know somewhere in him was thanking me.  Our Souls exchanged something new and wonderful.  We hung up.  I knew something was different.

I was right.  The man who I once felt so numb to.....I see I had, have so much love for him, want so much love from him.  We never said 'I love you' to each other.  Can I tell you, he said it for the first time this past weekend?  AND he said he missed me.  My mom called as they were driving together and he said it out loud so I could hear him.  My mother and I were surprised and the moment was a little awkward but, I said it back out loud too...so he could hear.  Even with the giant lump that formed in my throat, and despite how shaky my voice would sound to them, I said it.  No matter how 'ugly', 'imperfect', and 'vulnerable' I would seem, I 'went there'...for him, for my mother, and for me.  

Cut to:

I even initiated changing my dynamic with two guys I have been holding a grudge against.  (Holy cow, am I finally dealing with sh*t!)  I understood whatever happened between us was no one's fault...it was what it was.  And the only reason why I was mad and disappointed was because I had this 'idea' of who they should be for me, to me.  Just like I had this 'idea' about how my dad should show his love for me.  

Well, they're all off the hook.  They did the best they could and I did the best I could at the time.  Now, I'm releasing it all....all 'ideas' and expectations.  I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEE.

How did I change the dynamic with the two guys?  Well, I just asked myself, "What do you want from them?"  And I gave it to them first.  Instead of waiting and staying disappointed that 'they won't give it to me'....I just gave it to them.  With no expectations.  I gave it to myself, really.  A simple, 'THANK YOU'.  That's it.  

Can I tell you a secret?  I've been sober for some weeks now.  I was a total pot head.  Like a wake and baker.  Like I even worked at a dispensary.  It controlled and consumed me to the point where it got unhealthy.  I picked up this habit when me and my first LA boyfriend broke up.  We used to smoke together all the time.  Post break-up, I kept smoking....alone.

I picked up my first cigarette when my dad left and been a smoker since...with breaks here and there.  My dad was a heavy smoker.

I took on these unhealthy habits to hold on to the 'love' I thought I was going to lose.  And by 'letting go' emotionally of the REAL pain, instead of covering it up, I don't need or even want pot anymore (well, I'm lying...because I have moments where my body still wants it) but, you know what I mean.  And cigarettes....they just don't taste good anymore...nor do they make me feel good.  It makes me tired now.  I think I had this 'idea' that I won't be as creative without these vices.  I'm also letting go of THAT idea.  

Boy, does that feel good to get that off my chest.  Secrets eat you up.  And the only person it kills is you.  Guess what I'll be talking about when I do stand-up??  Yup.  All these dark sides and my secrets.  You have no idea.  It'll be fun.  Aren't you curious now?  You're gonna want to come see my shows.  ;)

Jackie, you ready girl?!  

FREE YOURSELF.

with LOVE,

Alex

'So, You Want To Get Discovered?' Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 36.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

Hope you had a wonderful Labor Day.

Let's begin.

Do you remember when I filmed a horror webisode a couple months ago?  Click here for the post.  Well, the webisodes will be put together into one feature.  And I got permission to release this Behind The Scene footage.  I turned it into a vlog.  What Whaaaat.  Thank you Edward and everyone with 'Dead Reckoning'!!

There is a close-up version of it on Facebook.  'Like' my Facebook Page!  

Here's the video.

Now on to the main attraction.....

I'm scared...because I'm getting busy.  I'm getting busy because I'm taking motherf*cking action.  I'm making moves Dear Diary.  

I'm a DIY (Do It Yourself) kind of gal.  Perhaps because I'm impatient.  I can't wait for others to 'make it happen' for me.  Honestly, even thinking that someone or something outside of myself has the power and control over my destiny, over my dream....it's unsettling.  

Actually, it pisses me off.  Who knows, it could quite possibly be the control freak in me, the prideful child in me, my Ego?  OR, I'd like to believe it's my talent, my genius, my daemon that knows better.  It knows that I'm fully capable but I'm not giving myself enough credit. 

I was talking to someone recently, another actor.  I've seen his work and there's no denying he has the talent, skills, and 'look' to be a star.  But, he's frustrated.  He and his agent know he's a star....now, they just need someone else to see it and give him a chance.  All of a sudden, I got a knot in my stomach.  

"I just need someone to give me a chance...I just need someone to give me a chance."  Seriously, take a moment and sit with that.  How does that feel to you?  Doesn't feel good, does it?  You know why?  Because YOU know that's not true.  YOU know you don't need anyone to give you a chance.  YOU, the dreamer, the believer who moved out here how many years ago, told you that you could do anything you put your heart and mind to.  Remember that YOU.

Whenever you give up your power, you're not going to feel good.  That's your internal compass giving you direction.  Listen to it.  YOU give yourself a chance.  YOU give yourself everything BEFORE you think someone else has to give it to you.  

I started making this mental switch a couple years ago.  I knew it wasn't about getting 'discovered' or catching my 'big break'.  That will come to you when you just SHOW UP for yourself.  Don't expect others to do it for you...everyone's commitment is to himself/herself at the end of the day.  If you don't have your own back, you'll just resent everyone else for not having yours.  

But, think about it...is it really their job to take care of you?  Hell no.  That's your job.  When you start helping yourself, you'll naturally bring people into your world that want to help you.  

I actually have a problem accepting help.  I have this idea that if I ask for help, it shows that I'm weak and I'm incompetent.  I'm realizing that asking for help actually takes courage.  I'm learning to ask for help and receive help with gratitude.

So, pretty much...we all have issues and internal conflicts we gotta work through.  Work through them. Know your weaknesses and know your strengths.  See how you can work with what you already have.    Because you have everything you need.  Maybe it's not what your Ego wants but, you have what you need.  

I'm re-evaluating my goals for the rest of the year and into the next.  I'm prioritizing and setting new goals.  I'm doing it by 1, 3, 6, and 9 month goals.  I'm making my visions crystal clear to me and to God/The Universe.  Then taking small steps toward that.  

So far, I plan on doing a spoken word event once a month..starting with this month.  Yaay!  Then I'm tackling stand-up.  Gulp!  Then, I'm going back to doing some casting director workshops.  Then, I'm also handling my own marketing and PR.  I'm working with Dallas Travers and Theresé Cator on how to use social media to launch my brand more effectively.   This makes me feel empowered.

I read a great article by Chris Brogan about goal making.  Chris Brogan is an American author, journalist, marketing consultant, and frequent speaker about social media marketing. Wikipedia

He's extremely knowledgeable and is sought out by entrepreneurs.  Click here for article.

I am so blessed to be living and pursuing my dream now.  Because of the internet, I have access to worldwide leaders and I can learn from...for FREE.  

In summary, get your head out of your ass.  If you think you're going to get 'discovered', you're in for some disillusionment.  This isn't about getting discovered....it's about discovering yourself.

Get a clear vision of what you want.  Set short-term and long-term goals.  And then begin by taking action.  Small action, consistently, is all it takes.  You don't need to believe in yourself first to take action.  Sometimes, by taking action, you'll start believing in yourself.  There are no rules here.  Then if you can, surround yourself with those who are already doing it.  If you can't physically 'hang out' with those who inspire you, you have the web to 'hang out' with them.  Read what they're doing, watch how they do it, and learn from them.  

Make no excuses.  There's no time.  The world's waiting for you.  It's time to SHINE that light of yours.  Are you ready??

I'll see you on the other side.  ;)

with LOVE,

Alex

Visualize and Manifest! Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 35.

Photo by Click West Photo.

Retouches by Natalia Fedner Design.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

*  Holy, Dear Diary!!!!  I'm gonna cryyyyy.  My stats/page views for my blog is going UP!  On average, the last few months have been 1000+ views a month!!  It used to be maybe 1000 a year.  I'm cryingggg!!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  :*)  :*)  

*  I started class with Suzanne!  I've been doing one-on-ones with her but, people have been asking her to put a class together, so she did!  And I got to test out my story for spoken word.  For the first time.  In front of people!  Aaahhhhh!  I'll be tweaking and tweaking.  I plan on rocking the house.  ;)  Suzanne is amazing..and it's a whole different experience with her in class.  She definitely sets an intimate, professional, and fun tone.  I walked out of there feeling like I woke up from a nap or something.  

If you're interested in working with Suzanne, feel free to contact me.  I will forward over her info.      

*  I know many of my lady friends are going through break-ups now.  My heart knows how that feels.  I read this recently in TheDailyLove and it elevated me.   Click Here for the post.

*  You know what I feel like doing?  I feel like putting up more fashion piiiiics!  I have a passion for fashion!  Let's be honest, I like to shop.  I'm a damn good shopper.  Actually, I'm a damn good bargain shopper.  I worked retail for a good chunk of my life...Zara, Coach, Emporio Armani, Louis Vuitton, and Prada.  I worked for some high end stores but, can I afford them now??  Hell no.  Not yet....at least not without the discounts.  

But, I can put together looks that look expensive.  People always ask me, "Where did you get that?"  So, I will keep a fashion log...I'll share my fashion 'secrets'....what I bought, for how much, and where you can get it.  I made some 'shopping haul' vlogs in the past but, editing is so time consuming...pics are quick and easy.  Plus, I plan on having my own fashion line one day so this will be a good step towards that.  Holla!

So, my first look!  Here are some pics and info if interested.

I recently went to the Hester Street Fair in Hollywood and bought a dress, necklace, and bracelet.  The vendors were awesome.  I LOVED their stuff.  And they were Korean!  LOVE.  :)

All pieces are available online only.

Dress:  Fleet Collection

$58

www.fleetcollection.com

Accessories:  SHOPPUBLIK

Necklace - $34

Bracelet - $20

www.shoppublik.com

  

Now on to the main attraction......

May I do a little visualization exercise???  

This is what I believe......you want something, visualize it.  And not in a general way...but, get as specific as you can.  And get your senses into it.  See yourself IN it, smell the smell around you, feel the air around you, feel your body, listen to the life around you.  

And then, once you've felt it all throughout your body, and your heart is filled with the joy of having it or being in it.................. LET.  IT.  GO.

That's how you manifest.  I know because I do it.  

 “But they say if you dream a thing more than once, it's sure to come true.”

― Walt Disney Company, 12 Princess Stories

“What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if,when you awoke,you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?” 
― Samuel Taylor Coleridge

“Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream.” 
― Lao Tzu

What's happening now is what I've been dreaming about as a child.  What I'm dreaming about now will become my reality in the future.  I have no doubt.  

Did you know that when I was about 10 years old, I was watching a Korean comedy show with my family.  Korean comedians are hilarious to me.  I love Korean humor.  Why?  I have no idea.  It just tickles my funny bone.  I think it's in their delivery...there's something so 'unexpected'.  

So, this show was either an improv or sketch performance and this one female comedian was rocking it.  She was so funny to me...the way she moved her face, her body, the way she used her voice...I was entranced by her.  I said to my parents, "When I grow up, I want to be like her.  I want to be funny."  My mom said, "No way José.  Female comedians have a hard time getting married...become a doctor or professor."  Blaaaaaaahhhhh.  

What am I doing now?  Hahahahahahaha.    

I never gave up.  I may have taken detours but, I see now that I have always stayed on course.  This makes me cry.  Because all those times I 'thought' I had given up...I didn't.  What I was really doing was building foundation so that I had solid ground to stand on.  

For example, I studied Journalism-Broadcasting and Announcing in college.  Did I really want to do it?  Kind of.  I thought I wanted to become a news anchor because then I can be on tv, and my family would be proud of me.  There was some compromising on my part.  I was also given an opportunity to intern for FOXNews but, I interviewed with ABC Daytime and went with them instead.  I knew it wasn't the smartest move at the time but, something possessed me to do it.  I got to read scripts!  Real scripts...and these were scripts that weren't even taped yet so I felt so cool.  I got to be around the movers and shakers of a world I wanted to be a part of.  I was happy.

Here's how funny God/The Universe can be.   

Guess who I played on Criminal Minds early this year?  Yep, a reporter.  Of course.  My parents got their wish, and so did I.  

Guess what I'm getting ready for?  Stand-up.

Guess where I live?  Los Angeles.

Guess who has a dog?  I do.

Guess who became a journalist after all?  Me.  I blog and make vlogs.

These are all dreams I had once upon a time.  Just like Oprah says, "You can have it all.  Just not at once."  

There were so many times where I felt like I had given up on my dream but, perhaps, my dream never gave up on me...that's why I'm here.  And who knows...in a couple hours from now, I may as well think, "F*ck, nothing's going right"....that's just part of being human.  But, in this moment...right now, I  AM GRATEFUL.

Instead of worrying 'When is it going to happen?', 'Will it ever happen?', and 'How will it happen?'......I'm just going to remember this.

Just like when I was 10 years old and I told my parents, "When I grow up, I wanna be.....", I'm telling God/Universe the same thing now.  I didn't expect to be a comedian right then and there.  No!  I knew I would have to wait till I got a little older.  I knew I needed time.  But, the one thing I knew for sure was that it was going to happen.  And that excitement would carry me to wherever I needed to go, meet whoever I needed to meet, say what I needed to say, see what I needed to see.  There's a reason why this is my favorite quote of all time.  

 Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.   Goethe, Johann Wolfgang Von

Take a deep breath, Trust, and Go.

So, I'm making new dreams now.  I'm visualizing from NOW.  Because, it's going to come true.  In its divine timing.  All I have to do is let God/Universe know what it is I want and let it go.  Just forget about it.  Because all you really need is to FEEL it while you visualize.  Just FEEL it for that moment and then let it go.  You don't have to hold on to that feeling all day, or all week, or all month.    

Here we go...here's what I'm visualizing and manifesting.  Kind of embarrassing but, what the hell. 

Alex Gets Nominated For An Oscar For Best Actress.  

It's a warm, sunny day....actually, nominations come out in January so it's a chilly day.  

It's a chilly day and I'm with my boyfriend.  F*ck it...let's make him my fiancé and we'll call him, Bob.  

Bob had just gotten me this ridiculously big rock as an engagement ring, the week before (I'll tell you about my 'Proposal' visualization another time.).....I'm thinking, 4 carats.  Done.  

4 carat Emerald cut diamond ring, and Bob wanted to take me to Big Bear for a weekend ski trip.  He loves to spoil me.  

We're driving around LA, going to Target, Sports Chalet, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, you know...getting ready.

It's about 3pm and we're in Target and Bob's in the electronics section.  I'm in beauty, picking up razors and toothbrushes.  

A woman with with a baby, stroll pass me.  I look over and make the baby girl laugh.  Cute moment.

I get a phone call.  My mother.

"Hi mom.  Yeah, Bob and I are at Target now."  My mother's voice is light and happy.  She's telling me about how all the relatives now know about my engagement and they can't wait for the wedding.  

She's already planning the guest list and when I'm going to start my dress shopping...overwhelming me...but, in a good way.

I pick up some razors and shaving cream..put them in my basket...and as I'm looking at different toothbrushes, I get another phone call.  

I look, my agent.  "Mom, can I call you right back?  It's Hayley."  We hang up and I click over.

"Hey Hayley."  Hayley's voice sounds like she just saw a ghost.  She says, "Where are you?  I've been emailing you, texting you........Are you able to sit down somewhere?"

"Sorry, yeah, I'm at Target right now.  Bob and I are getting ready for this trip...I was gonna get back to you.  Why?  What's going on?  Are you okay?  Something wrong?"  My heart beats a little faster.  I can feel goosebumps and the air against my face.  I'm breathing in and out through my nose and I can feel it traveling down to my stomach.

"You're a nominee."  She waits.

"Huh?  Nominee for what?"  Even though it's a dream I've been dreaming my whole life...it wasn't clicking.

"Oscar's Alex!  You're a nominee for Best Actress!!!"

My eyes fill up with tears but, I won't blink so I feel them just all collecting in my eyeballs...I can't see anymore because of the tears.  I blink, and as the tears rush down my face, I realize what I had just heard. 

It's like having another proposal happen to me.  I can't say anything but, just sob.  I turn to where the shaving creams are, press my face close up against it so I can let out some heavy tears without people seeing me.  I can smell the the sweet fragrance from all the shaving creams.  

"Hayley, I'm shaking.  For real?  You better not be pulling my leg right now or I'll come down to your office and shake the sh*t out of you."  

"It's real, sweetheart." she says.  "Why don't you take some time to let it sink in...and call me later."

"Ok.  Thank you."

I start walking fast, looking for Bob.  Bob's not in the electronics section!  Where the hell did he go?!  Bob loves Target so I always lose him there.  I check down all his favorite aisles.  Nowhere to be found.  Uggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!  

I call him on his cell.  He picks up.  

"Babe!  Where the hell are you?!  I've been looking everywhere for you!" I asked.

Bob says, "Well, I wanted to surprise you and find you first since you're always looking for me here.  I'm at the beauty section now."

I cry harder now.  My heart is about to explode because here I was trying to get angry with him and he was doing something sweet for me.

"Baby, what's wrong?  Why are you crying.  I'm sorry...just stay where you are, I'll come to you." he says.  

By this time, we're walking towards each other with our phones pressed against our ears.

I run to him, we're now by the 'home' section.  I tell him about my phone call.  He's happier than I am!  His arms wrap around me and I sob in his chest as he kisses my forehead over and over again while whispering, "I'm so proud of you and I love you so much."

Fade out.  :)

And there it is...And so it is.  

Happy Visualizing and Manifesting to all.  :)

with LOVE,

Alex

'Take a break'. Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 34.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week....

I think I will take a break this week from writing a full post.  My brain's a little tired.  Just feel like watching silly youtube videos and reading good quotes.  

So, that's what I'll share with you.

These e-cards can get a little annoying but, some are pretty funny.    

Here are some others....some crack me up, some put a warm feeling in my icy cold heart, some make me think, blah blah blah.....

And how cool is this?  I don't know what this means really but, it's happening on my birthday!!  December 3, 2012.

 Can you imagine what it would sound like here?

And I'd like to leave you with this video.  Buttermilk the goat.  When I saw this it made me think of my dog, Bells..then my roommate said it reminded her of me.  Guess me and Bells, we're cray cray and cute.  ;D 

Have a marvelous week.  

with LOVE,

Alex