"Where I belong". Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 8.

Shooting with Kelsey Edwards @ Catchlight Studios.  

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  Once a month, I will have a guest blogger.  The first guest blog will be on March 12th.  I'm excited to have my friends share their journeys.  I'm also curious what others are doing and thinking.  Living the artist's life can be lonely...but, it doesn't have to be.  When you share, you see you have friends everywhere.

*  I took new headshots with my friend, Kelsey Edwards of Kelsey Edwards Photography.  I am stoked to see how the pics come out because I had too much fun.  And her studio is amazing.  Great energy....open, airy, and bright.

*  I have my Ani Aveytan workshop, Sunday.  I'm ready.  Let's book some more television this year, shall we?  And like the last time I committed to doing casting director workshops, I'm just going to do them without any expectation of outcome.  My goal is to simply build relationships and practice stepping out of my comfort zone....if jobs come my way, then it's a bonus.



Now on to the main attraction....


I did it!  Show #1, done.

I'm not a 'cool' actress.  I'm a hot mess actress.  I have terrible stage fright, I sweat like crazy (especially my upper lips and chest area....you've heard me talk about this in my last storytelling show), my mouth gets dry, I go to the bathroom a lot, I don't sleep well, I don't eat much even though I'm hungry, I lash out on people, I become MIA, I get super irritable,......my performance anxiety can really take a toll on me mentally, physically, and emotionally.

But, guess what......I still get my ass up there.

And while my ass was up there, I realized, "I belong up here.  This is my place in the world."  I don't know why this chokes me up so much.

Until I step on stage, my fears and Ego run amok.  Until I step on stage, I don't think I'm good enough to be there.  Until I step on stage, I think, "Alex, what the fuck are you doing?  Who the hell do you think you are?  What makes you think you have something worthwhile to say?"  Until I step on stage, I worry about what others will think about me....'Will they like me?' Until I step on stage, I worry about how I look.   Until I step on stage I am an amateur, or at least I keep thinking I am.  Until I step on stage, I think I'm gonna die in front of an audience.

And then I step on stage.

Because I belong on the other side of my fears.  That's my place in the world.





Wanna hear some magical news?  A producer for another storytelling show loved my story and performance......I have been invited to be in their line-up for a future show.  I will keep you posted.  My coach, Suzanne said that The Universe is definitely showing me that I am in alignment....I am already getting invited to do shows rather than going out to book myself for events.  I think she's absolutely right.  ;)

My friend taped my performance but, I'm not sure if I'm going to put it up.  My live stories are a little X rated and honest....and it's only going to get more X rated and brutally honest.  Maybe I'll grow some balls to share it via social media in the future, but only live for now.  However, I will make an exception for my blog readers.  If you'd like to see it, I can send you a private/unlisted link for viewing. You can either comment here, Facebook me, or Twitter me .


I hope you 'step on stage' this week and experience where you belong in the world.  The feeling is just fucking awesome.  Have a great week!



with MAD LOVE,

Alex

'Perfect, Shmerfect." Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 7.

Having too much fun with phone apps.  

I'm sure I was a man in a past life...a classy ass man.  :D

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  This Sunday, the 17th!  I'll be performing at ioWest Hollywood!  8:30pm-9:30pm.  Come one, come all.  Bad/Worst Valentine's Day stories.  It's my first show this year and I plan on doing at least 9 more. Holler!  Come see me look glamorous and fabulous!  :D

*  I worked out with my trainer for the first time.  I'll be working out with him twice a week.  I don't like the gym so we meet outdoors.  I'm in pain.  But, I'm going to stick with it and see, because I've never had a trainer before, and I'm so curious how it will change me mentally and physically.  Plus, since I'll be doing more shows this year, I want to look and feel good....you know what I'm sayin?  That's one of my motto:  Do what you gotta do to look good and feel good.  I'm gonna take myself to another level this year.  It feels good to even write that.  Good sign.  :)

Don't forget to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram me!  I'll be posting videos and pics along the way.  No time to make a vlog these days so just adding quick video clips or pics to my social mediasss.




Now on to the main attraction.....



I got no time for Resistance these days.  My Resistance(s) is triggered by boredom and having too much time on my hands.  Boredom is the death of me.  I'm too busy to die....or kill myself this week (figuratively).  This sounds morbid but, it's not.  It's something I'm deeply grateful for.  I think I'm finding a good balance for myself....how to work hard and play hard.

I just wanted to give a quick review on a workshop I took last night.  My friend, Arriane Alexander holds 'How To Stand Out In Your Auditions' workshops at The Actor's Key.  We are both students of Dallas Travers and she also has a Spiritual Psychology degree from USM.  She marries the two things I love and gives you a perspective on YOU that may or may not have been obvious to you.  Also, she's now casting a feature film and sees all the do's and don't's for us actors when we get into that audition room.

Apparently my 'type' is so clear....that's what she said.  I just couldn't see it.  Perhaps, I refused to see it.

Here's my confusion.  I can do it all.  I can do drama, I can do comedy, I can do horror, etc.  Seriously, I can.  But, I have this 'idea' of how I'm suppose to be for each genre and role.  I totally pigeonhole myself.

For example, I took in a scene from Anger Management where I played a therapist.  Now, I can do a therapist with my eyes closed but, for some reason I couldn't because I was trying to play an 'idea' in my head of how a therapist should be.  I thought, "I'm a little too kooky and loud and a therapist has to be more controlled and normal...she's a therapist after all.  She has to be a bit more stern than Alex."  I played HER, I didn't play ME.  My hands were shaking, my voice was trembling, I was sweating, all signs that I was fighting and resisting something rather than accepting.  I didn't think I was enough...or good enough.

And this is because I have to be PERFECT all the time.  I have to do things RIGHT all the time.   I have to say it perfectly all the time.  I have to look perfect all the time.  This is stressing me out just even writing it.  Arriane asked us questions that made us come face to face with some of our limiting beliefs.  I thought, "I took care of them with all the personal work I've been doing.  WTF?!"

It's a process, Alex....just be grateful that someone, like Arriane, is reflecting it back to you in a loving way.  If you think about it, reflection doesn't always come in this form....love.  It can come in the form of fear, which was the case for me for lots of things.

Love is the root of everything.  Self-love, especially.  You want to know how to become a better actor and artist?  Love yourself.  Once you love yourself, everything comes much easier.  And it becomes fun too.  And that's the whole point when you're in that room, isn't it?  To have fun?  That is for me....I wouldn't want it any other way.  I don't want to feel like it's Me vs. Them (casting).  I don't want to feel like, "Oh please give me this job.  I can do it I swear."  I don't want to feel like I'm not loving myself for the sake of other's opinions.


What I got out from the class...

1.  She helps you uncover your limiting beliefs.  She helps you find healthier thoughts.  True thoughts, rather than the false ones we keep attaching ourselves to that do not serve us....at all.  This is where it all begins, peeps....skills can only take you so far.  It's about YOU.....who you are, what you believe, and why you believe you're there.

2.  She gives you industry knowledge....what it's really like on the other side.  Television casting is so different from film casting.  Television is also super fast.  What can you do to increase your chances of auditioning when there are 2,000 submissions for 12 spots?  How are you going to get on the casting directors' radars?  Just like everything in life.....it's about relationships.  Again, your skills will only take you so far.  Think about it....television casting directors do not have much time to cast shows.  Who do you think they're going to call in?  Actors they have met once?  Hell no.  Even I wouldn't do that.  They are going to call in actors they know who will deliver....actors they have confidence in.  It's their butt on the line.  And who are these actors?  Actors they have seen more than once.

3.  She spends a lot of time on each actor.  She loves actors....she is one herself.  She suggested some new scenes for me to look at....something possibly more appropriate for me and my dynamic personality.  ;)  Even though I'm glamorous and fabulous in life...I don't necessarily take that into the audition room.  I downplay myself a lot.  I also don't show my funny side or quirky side.  Well, no more of that!  I'm gonna take my glamorous, fabulous, funny, and quirky self into the room from now on.  One role she suggested, and that I would want to tackle and make it my own would be......Peach from 2 Broke Girls.  How fun is she?!!  All I kept thinking was, I want to do that...I can totally do that!  All I felt was excitement.  It's all about having fun from now on.



I could be forgetting some things....it was just chock full of info!  I'll post again if anything else comes up.


Seriously, I really recommend Arriane's workshop.  Would I ever steer you wrong?  Hmmmmm???  She holds one once a month at The Actor's Key and Actor's Key West.  Just go....if anything, just go for Arriane's beauty.  She's a looker so you won't be sorry.  :)


Finding your brand is a process.  It takes doing and experimenting over and over.  Same thing with finding your voice and style as an actor or writer.....you just gotta keep doing it.  "Perfection is the enemy of good."  Who cares about being perfect?  Just do it.  Just write it.  Just say it.  Just sing it.  Just draw it.  And trust that it is enough....you are enough....in fact......GREAT.  And know that there's help along the way.  Find a community for yourself and hone that talent, genius of yours!  The world is waiting to be gifted by YOU!





Aaaaahhhhh!  Wish me luck with my show!  It'll be over by the time I write my next post.  Time...or the concept of time is so weird...someTIMES.  


Have a glamorous and fabulous week peeps!



with LOVE,

Alex

'A Reality Check'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 6.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


***  GOT A SHOW COMING UP PEEPS!!! ***

Remember my goal this year is to do LIVE shows??
Show #1 of 2013!!  Yeeeaaahhhh!!!
Come hear me tell a story!  Theme for this show is bad/worst Valentine's.  

WHEN?  Sunday, FEBRUARY 17TH, 2013 @ 8:30pm-9:30pm.
WHERE?  ioWest/Improv Olympic's Del Close Theater.  
                  6366 Hollywood Blvd.

The show is FREEEEEE.  Also FREE wine and snacks.  

I don't know how my story or performance will turn out but, one thing's for sure........Imma look FAB-U-LOUS.  HOLLA.  ;)




Now on to the main attraction....

This is sort of piggyback-ing from last week's post.


Reality sucks ass.  Well, sometimes.  I'm the master at escaping reality.  I'll go on a far far trip into my head.  Thought begets thought, and so I get lost in it.


My train of thoughts...


"I better not be breaking out again."  

"Why did I eat the whole bag of jalapeno chips?"

"I'm never satisfied with anything these days.  Why does everyone else seem like they are?  Fuck everybody."

"Actually, fuck that bitch from yesterday.  What I should have said was, 'Listen you cunt, no one fucking asked you so shut your mouth.'"

"Oh God.  What's wrong with me?  Why am I so nasty?"

"I hate feeling this way.  Why can't I be more pleasant?"

"Mom's right.  I should smile more."

"I should be a better daughter.  I suck at having healthy relationships."

"My brain isn't working.  Why isn't my brain working right now?"

"I've been doing all this work on myself......what the fuck is taking so long?"

"When is my goddamn life gonna start?"

"Am I doing what I'm suppose to be doing?  Because if I am, I'm confused."

"Am I going to get married?"

"I wonder if I'll end up marrying a Korean guy.  He better look like Daniel Henney."

"Do I even want to get married?"

"Why doesn't he show more affection?  He should show more if he cared."

"Why is dating so annoying?"

"Do I even know what I want?"

"Why can't I ask for what I want?"

"Why am I so judgmental?  Why do I beat myself up so much?  Why can't I have more compassion for 
myself?  I suck."


I can keep going.  And this was all in under a minute.  You know how it is.  You can't stop it.  Then you start seeing montages in your head of examples that support these thoughts and stories.  Then you start feeling certain feelings associated with those visuals and they are in conflict with reality...with WHAT IS.  BAM!  Suffering, inner war has begun.  You suffer when your 'story' is different from reality.  Click Here to watch one of Katie's videos where she gives you a reality check.  She breaks it dowwwn.

Good news is,

Peace is possible.

Through inquiry.  There is power in inquiry.

I'm practicing Byron Katie's, 'The Work' right now.  I also just finished reading her book, A Thousand Names For Joy and have been watching her youtube videos.

What is 'The Work'?

It's four simple questions and a turnaround (an opposite) to help you find clarity and some inner damn peace.  ;)

Peace is what happens when a thought arises, you take notice, and you experience it without attachment to it.  When the mind understands the mind.  Peace is the acceptance of reality, of WHAT IS.  And just that.  Katie believes reality is God....loving reality is loving God.

So, how does 'The Work' work?

You write down a thought.
For example, "He should show more affection if he cared".

Then you ask and answer four questions.

1.  Is it true?
     Yes.  Because if he really cared, he would want to be more affectionate with me.

2.  Can you absolutely know that it's true?
     No.

3.  How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
     I feel angry and rageful towards him.  I feel frustrated.  I feel rejected.  I feel tense around my jaw and shoulders.  My breathing becomes very shallow.  I give him attitude about little things.

4.  Who would you be without that thought?
     I would be a calm person.  I would feel more peaceful and easygoing.  I would have more time and energy to do things for myself and for others....happily.

Then, the turnaround.  You write down the opposite of your thought.
For example, "He shouldn't show more affection if he cared".  Then write down ways he shouldn't show more affection.

This can have more turnarounds.
"I should show more affection with him."  Then write down ways I should show more affection with him.

"I should show more affection with me."  Then write down ways I should show more affection with me.


'The Work' takes patience.  It takes understanding.  And there's no right or wrong answer.  Whatever your answer is, is.

Katie believes it's a great way to meditate because it's a deep contemplation.  And if you're a Type A like me, you'll like this process.  Sometimes 'meditating' traditionally meant to just dissolve all thoughts away.  That's not so easy all the time.  It's too mysterious.  Give me something tangible to work with.  I need structure.  With the questions, you're free to have thoughts, hold still and focus on something specific.

If peace is what you're seeking, try 'The Work' and see what happens.  It only takes a willingness, courage, and honesty.  Some thoughts may be too scary.  Some thoughts may be stubborn.  Some thoughts may make you feel like they could kill you if you thought about them any more.  Some thoughts may make you feel like you could kill somebody else if you thought about them any more.  Some thoughts may make you laugh maniacally because you see the insanity in it.  Some thoughts may be too sad and all you can do is cry.  But, if you can go there, there's something on the other side.  I don't know what but, what have you got to lose?  I'll see there.


Enjoy the ride to the unknown.  With a healthy dose of reality check.  :)


Til next week!


with LOVE,

Alex

'I Don't Know Jack'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 5

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.......

*  Update on CD workshop.

I signed up for Ani Avetyan's.  She's a casting associate with Bruce Newberg Casting.  Bruce Newberg has one too but, schedule conflict.  

Either way, done.  She likes to do cold reads so I don't have to prepare anything.  I like cold reads.

Now on to the main attraction......

I was sitting on my balcony doing some writing and saw my neighbor's kid (let's call him Jack), riding his bicycle.  Jack was yelling, "I want a motorcycle!" as he was riding up and down the block.  Every time he made it to one end of the block, he would have to stop to change directions.  And every time he would change directions, he would put more torque into the takeoff.  

I imagined him saying, "This is bullshit.  This isn't a real motorcycle." and throwing his bike down and walking away from it.  But, he didn't.  He pretended and believed it was his motorcycle.  And he was having a hell of a time.

I wonder if these thoughts happened to cross his mind.....

"My parents don't love me.  Because if they loved me, they would have gotten me a real motorcycle."

"What's the point of riding this bicycle?  This isn't a motorcycle and I feel like I'm settling."

"Will I ever get a motorcycle?"

"While everyone's riding their motorcycle, I'm just gonna be riding this slow-ass bicycle for the rest of my life."

"I'll never find the perfect motorcycle for me."

"I'll never make enough money to buy a motorcycle."

"What if I get married and have kids too soon and I won't have enough time or money for a motorcycle?"

"I'm being punished by owning this bicycle."

"What if I fall off and hurt myself?  What if I become handicapped because I wasn't careful?"

Can you imagine what would happen to Jack if these thoughts were alive in him?  Now, I don't know Jack but, I suppose he would stop riding.  He wouldn't have the time or energy to ride.  He would be too busy trying to figure out answers....the WHY's, the HOW's, the WHEN's, he would be too busy fighting with his parents, he would be too busy crying, he would be too busy screaming, he would be too busy worrying about his future spouse and kids, he would be too busy sleeping because he's depressed, he would be too busy self-medicating because the truth hurts, he would be too busy being a slave to his thoughts.  Ok, I don't for sure if he'd being doing all these things since he's only 6 or 7....like I said, I don't know Jack.  

But what I do know, I know I can easily get debilitated by my thoughts.  Thoughts are one thing.....believing in them is another.  The only difference between Jack and I is that I believe in my fearful thoughts.  

All fearful thoughts take you away from NOW. 

All fearful thoughts take away possibilities from the future.

 

Good news is, all fearful thoughts are just thoughts.  Just like "I think I can be the next Evil Knievel".  Jack probably believes this thought over the thoughts mentioned above.  

You have a choice.  You always have a choice.  Which thought will you believe?

So, my mantra/affirmation for the week.

I deserve to live a life of health and well being.  I effortlessly take action on behalf of my Soul's desires.

What's yours??

I hope Jack keeps riding his bicycle and gets his motorcycle one day.  I hope you get yours too.  :)

A lil something I wrote...

I realized something.

I.  Don't.  Know.  SH*T.

Life just became a little easier to live.  

I'm fine with not knowing anything.  

I'm fine with not expecting a single thing.

It's freeing.  

And if it's some thing,

I'm meant to know, I'll know.  

In its time.  

Not mine.

Maybe I'll never know.  

Maybe I already know.

But, I did realize something.

I.  Don't.  Know.  SH*T.

Have a prosperous week....however that looks to you.  :)

with LOVE, as always,

Alex

'Cherry Poppin Humpin Week' Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 4.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....




Now on to the main attraction.....

I think it's that time again.  Cherry poppin time!  With casting director workshops.  I haven't done these in some time now so going back to it always feels like the first time.

I don't know what it is but, I've been noticing some serious Resistance to signing up.  I keep pushing it off.  It's not like I don't know what to do....I know what type of research I would need to do so I invest my money wisely, I know where to take the workshops, I know what to expect, I know what's expected of me, I know and yet the whole thing seems daunting.

Something in me is scared, I feel it.  I'm afraid I'm gonna suck.  I'm afraid I'm gonna be underprepared. I'm afraid of the inner battles I'm gonna undergo because of my fear of being underprepared and sucking.  I'm afraid to meet new people.  I'm afraid to make a mistake.  I'm afraid to come off too needy.  I'm afraid of coming off too aloof.  I'm afraid that I might want it more than I'd like to allow myself.  I'm afraid of possibly being tardy for it.  I'm afraid that everything I learned at Margie Haber's for auditioning and cold reads will go out the window and I will be lost.  I'm afraid some part of me will plot to self-defeat and I will be defeated.

Something in me is angry too.  Why should I?.....I am an artist and I have writing to do!  Why should I?......I want to make my own stuff!  Why should I?.......I don't want to audition forever!

This is what I'd like to call.........a tantrum.  An inner tantrum.  No one else can see but, it's happening, sometimes violently inside me.

The good news is, I've been here before.  This place of 'beginning', a 'start'.  And I know that with any change, you have to get over a hump.  I hate getting over humps.  They're so annoying.  The humps require of you your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual commitment.  Funny, I can see who's doing the talking right now...the part of me that wants to stay in my comfort zone.  And it's not really about failing...it's about succeeding.  The part of me that's afraid of change.  The part of me that is afraid that I just might book jobs and my schedule will change. The part of me that's scared that I'll have to really grow up and step up.  The part of me that's afraid to make decisions.  The part of me that's afraid I will lose control of something.  The part of me that's afraid to really start making money.  The part of me that's afraid to know that I will have to let go or let live something I may not be ready for.

Are any of these fears true??  Yes and No.  Yes, because they are real.  They're real because I'm thinking them  and I'm feeling them.  But, are they TRUE??  No.  Because it hasn't happened.  I'm just projecting my fears of the past and now on to the future that I have no idea about.  Jeeez, I do this in relationships too.

Okay, I'm getting some clarity now.

I guess, check back next week to see which workshop I signed up for.


Any cherry poppin and/or hump(s) you want to get over this week?   Gotta get my mind out of the gutter.  ;)



with LOVE,

Alex

'The Public Self vs. The Private Self'. "Live Shows, Here I Come!" Week 3.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  To my relief, I finally started backing up my blog.  Good God.  This has been on my mind forever.  Hallelujah.  For those of you using Blogger as your blog platform, note to self:  you don't own any of your own writings.  Back it up somewhere else.  If Blogger disappears, your blog disappears.  I had a scare once, remember?  Curious?   Click here for video I made about it.




Now on to the main attraction....


I'm writing my next spoken word story.  It begins with, "Can I tell you a secret?"  My last story (click here for video) started with that too.  I think that will be my tag from now on.  Yessssss!  It's perfect.



I was wondering......do you find it easier to be vulnerable with an audience than with one person, someone close to you like your significant other, best friend, or parent?

The Public Self vs. The Private Self......are they different?  Should they be?

I promised myself that I would always write with an open heart.  Act with an open heart.  And I have.  But, am I living with an open heart?  Am I disclosing as much of myself to the immediate people around me as I am to an audience and my blog readers?  I've hit a wall with my writing because this is what's consuming my mind right now.  I'm feeling guilty for not having the balls to actually say the stuff I'm writing about.  There's a spoken word/storytelling show called "Don't Tell My Mother".  I neeeeed to get into this.  Practically all my stories are, 'don't tell my mother sh*t!'  

I remember when Margaret Cho became mainstream.  I did not get her.  I didn't think it was funny one bit the way she used her mom to get laughs.  I thought, "Wow, why don't you stop picking on your mother and actually talk about funny stuff."  Now? I love her.  I think she's brilliant.  I think she's courageous.  "Wow, I see how much you love your mother."  It was like she brought her mom on stage with her every time.  She wouldn't be able to bring her mom on stage unless there was love and understanding there.  That's what I have to keep reminding myself when I feel guilty about talking sh*t.  I'm not really talking sh*t because I'm talking sh*t with love.  I really am.

I don't know.  The freer, the wilder, the more provocative I get with my writing, the more I question whether I am my full self through my art only.  I feel like I'm living vicariously through my alter egos.  I write about loving deeply, feeling deeply, forgiving deeply, healing deeply and all the while, I don't exemplify this as much as I'd like.  Who knows when the guy I'm dating will even see me cry....unless I'm on stage.  You see what I mean?  Those who are in and out of my life on a daily basis.  I push off conversations for later because I know you'll be around tomorrow.  I assume if we both just sweep it under the rug, we'll eventually get over it.  I get a whale stuck in my throat and my voice shakes every time I say, "I love you", "Thank you", "I'm sorry, forgive me", "I felt hurt and sad when you ______", so I don't say it enough.  

I have been getting better at this.  Becoming more open, candid, vulnerable, and intimate with those close to me.  No more shrugging my shoulders and saying "whatever" and then running home to my voodoo doll.  I'm all grown up now.  I'm gonna tell it to your face and then run home to my new voodoo doll, my laptop and write about your ass.  :D

Perhaps it's because I'm becoming more open, candid, vulnerable, and intimate in my writing.  It doesn't matter if I'm ballsy just on paper.....that will somehow translate into my being ballsy in person.  And what the hell?  Maybe some things are just better said and left on stage.  Maybe bringing it into my private life may be unhealthy or dangerous.  I don't freaking know anymore.  Honestly, I don't even know if it matters all that much now.  Hahahahaha.

Oh goodness.  Guess another visit from the good old Ego.  I'm noticing my Resistance to writing right now.   Hey Ego, thank you for your unsolicited comments and suggestions today but, I've got some writing to do.  


Any thoughts?  Do you think I'm going crazy?  Or are you?  I'd love to know.  ;)


Have a great week!




with LOVE,


Alex

'Less Is More'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 1-2.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....


*  I added a new blog to My Blog List.  =====>  Look to right sidebar.
Let's welcome Script Doctor Eric!
Who needs help writing scripts???  Be sure to check out his blog and site.  Also, remember when he and TV Wet Nurse Matt invited me to be a guest on their radio show, Scriptcast?  No??  Whaaaaat....check this.  For the actual interview in full length, you can download it for free on iTunes.  Click Here to download interview.  I am episode #54.

*  New Goals for 2013
Top priority for this year......writing and performing my own stuff.  I want to do 5 spoken word shows and 5 stand-up shows.  That's almost one show a month!  I don't know if that's being lazy or over zealous.  Who cares.  It feels good to me.  Then, I want to book some tv shows.  Co-stars or guest-stars.    I want residual checks, damn it!  Lots and lots of them so I don't have to worry about money and just work on creating what I want.  Financial freedom for 2013!





Now on to the main attraction....


My genius, my daimon, wants me to try something.  Work with me on this, Dear Diary.  The last couple months, my entries have been sporadic.  I'm sorry.  Whatever the reasons or excuses, I'm ready to be consistent with you again.  However, under one condition.....I won't be spending as much time with you.

Last year, I published you every Mondays.  I would start a post on a Friday/Saturday and work on it all damn weekend.  Do I really need all damn weekend to write one post?  Hell no.  So I'd like to change that this year.  I'd like to work on you Mondays ONLY and publish you on Tuesdays.  I want to be more efficient with my time.

This doesn't mean I'm any less committed to you....if anything, I'm making more of a commitment because I'm completely present with you for the time we are allotted.  When I have all damn weekend with you, I don't fully devote myself to you.  I do some half ass writing here, half ass writing there, and then I get up early Monday morning and bang it out under pressure.  And because of the pressure, I would feel like I'm fighting you and then I would resent you for making me feel like a bad writer, blogger, actor, artist, entrepreneur, etc.  This has been my process...this has been my pattern.

I no longer want to feel like a slave to my art.  I no longer want to wait for inspiration to strike to work.  The perfectionist in me doesn't want to begin until I have the perfect thing to start with.  The perfectionist in me doesn't want to finish until I have the perfect thing to end with.  Waiting......waiting for inspiration, waiting for something better, waiting for approval.  Waiting and procrastinating can kill an artist.  This isn't the kind of writer I want to be.  This isn't the kind of artist I want to be.  This isn't the kind of human being I want to be.

What kind of writer, artist, and human being do I want to be?  Well, definitely an alive one.  Then a free one.  A self-empowered one.  A self-aware one.  A happy one.  A peaceful one.  A disciplined one.  A committed but not so serious one.  A giving one.  A happy to receive as well one.  A courageous one.  A funny one.  A laughing one.  A provocative one.  A badass one.  I think I'm already all of these.  ;)

As a professional, I'm giving myself some credit.  I don't need all damn weekend to write a post.  I just need a day....maybe I'll get so good that I will eventually only need a couple hours.  I want to be able to give myself to my other writings more.  I want to do more spoken word shows.  I want to do stand-up.  I want to write my own shorts and features.  That's just what I want to do.   And I'm figuring out ways to make that work.

So, Dear Diary, I'm changing up our dynamic a bit.  I think it's for the better.  Who knows....maybe I'll only get to write one word next week, one line, or go off on a tangent......who the heck knows but, I want to try and see how it goes.  Thank you for understanding and thank you for listening and loving me unconditionally.


If you can't fail, what would YOU try??



Have a wonderful week peeps.


with LOVE,

Alex