Guest-Star, Here I Come! Week 16. 'Hi Dark Side, Come Out And Play'

*  I saw some of my wonderful friends that I hadn't seen in months, this past week.  I'd like to dedicate this post to you guys.  You are beautiful, talented, and magnificent.  I see us walking the red carpet and high-fiving each another one day.  I can't wait.  :*)

*  I'm giving one more week for 'Do The Work' giveaway.  Click here for the post to catch you up.

Hello my dark side, I love you.


As you know, I'm writing more now.  Not just blogging but, I'm writing my own scripts.  And the ideas that are asking for a voice...they're kind of scary.  I hold back because I don't feel prepared to let people see who I really am.

The irony in becoming more authentic.....the artist in me wants to let some stuff out, but I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of what the world will think of me.  I'm afraid of what my family will think of me.

I've put this quote up before, "Where there is much light, the shadow is deep" by Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe.

And I learned in Robert McKee's seminar, when you're exploring your protagonist and you feel stuck....take a look at your antagonists.  They're the ones who drive the protagonist.  Don't underestimate the role of your antagonists.

I believe in dualities.  Everything in this world has its opposing nature....everything.  Love/Hate, Yin/Yang, Day/Night, Peace/War, Up/Down, Left/Right, etc.....  It's actually unnatural and unbalanced to have anything one-sided.

So, if you can accept that dualities are just a part of life, can you accept that dualities actually exist in you too?  Because they do.

The more light I want to shine on the world, the more dark shows itself.  I have lives in me that are unlived.  I have words in me that are unspoken.  I have stories in me that are untold.  It's quite painful.  It's painful to live when you feel incomplete, unfulfilled, dissatisfied.  It feels like I'm living quietly when I'm meant to roar.

But, the trouble with this kind of pain is,  you can't see it...like a cut or bruise, but, it's more real.  The out of sight, out of mind thing isn't going to work here....ever.  It's one of those nagging feelings....and you keep telling yourself, "I know, I'll get to it"....and your Soul won't let you off the hook.  You think I'm lying?  What's your sleep pattern like?  When I was deep in my first dark night of the soul (not depression), I couldn't end the day until the Sun came up the next...this was my Soul telling me that my job for the day wasn't done.  So, I had to find ways to force sleep on to myself.  I felt like I was fighting with the day...then with night.  Hell.  I sleep earlier, I wake up earlier now but, I still feel it everyday, in moments when I'm not being authentic.  I may not see blood but, I might as well, because my heart and Soul bleeds.

I have secrets....as do you.  Secrets that I've nurtured unconsciously over the years...and they've gotten so big that I was afraid they would take over me, take over my life.

And they did.  And I allowed it.  But, in hindsight, I see that, that was the only way.  The only way to become who I AM today.  Love, Compassion, and Acceptance.  For myself.  From myself.  This brings me to my knees.  God, thank you.

Lesson's not over though.  Our Souls are meant to expand and evolve.  My Soul's asking me to take another leap...towards my life's purpose.  How do I know?  I want to but I'm scared and I'm feeling Resistance.

Things are brewing, stirring, boiling in me...but, I'm keeping a lid on it.  They want to come out in some way, shape, or form but, I'm containing them because I'm afraid of how I will be perceived, and what it would do to my family.  Even when I'm writing my blog, I know it reads more like my stream of consciousness but, I edit like a motherf*cker.

So, now, I'm at another crossroads.  What is my responsibility as an artist when I'm also an actress, a blogger, a daughter, a neice, etc...??  How authentic can I really be?

What if I'm not the 'put together' girl anymore?  Will it affect my credibility?  What if people think I'm disgusting?  What if people pity me?  What if it destroys my career?

OR worse.  How will my my family find out?  What if they hear from a friend or acquaintance first?  What if it shames my family?  I can't do that to them.  They'll never understand.  They'll never forgive me.  How mad will they be with me?  Will they be disgusted with me too?  How will they treat me?

All these questions really asked one thing.......Will they still love me?

Of course they will Alex.  My responsibility as an artist isn't to seek love...it's to BE love.  And to BE love in this moment, it's to share and express what's in me that wants to come out, without shame, without guilt.  It's to honor that.

I really don't care what the world will think of me....because I know that as long as I follow my heart, that's the path I'm meant to be on.  I just worry about my family.  I'm culturally and societally bound to some dynamics.  It is what it is.  Curious.  As I write this, I'm realizing that I'm becoming more detached to this too.  I'm feeling a deep sense of trust that God/The Universe will work out the how as long as I commit to the what.  Instead of assuming that the my family will never understand, give them a chance first.  What am I so afraid of?  Why am I already feeling guilty for something I haven't even done?  Aha.  Resistance.  Hahaha.  We'll talk ourselves out of anything.

I've seen miracles happen with my family before.  The fact that I moved out here for acting was kept a secret from the family for 6 1/2 years...I've been out here for 8.  (Come to think of it, things began to change when I started blogging)  My mother and sister were the only ones who knew...and my two cousins (because they're like brothers).  No one else.  It was stressful going back home to visit because everyone would ask me about my life and I wouldn't know what to say.  I hated lying or dodging questions.  We're a tight family.  Then when all the cousins had graduations and promotions happening, I was the only one who had nothing to celebrate or talk about.  I couldn't.  I felt bad for my parents that they didn't have anything to be proud of.  I felt more alone and more ashamed.

You see, everyone in my family are pretty much brainiacs.  Both mom and dad's side.  Everyone graduated from top schools, getting top jobs...very left brain.  Then there's me.  I was a truant.  I cut school everyday.  It's amazing that I even graduated high school on time...of course I had to go to two semesters of summer school and night school....for GYM!  I used to run from cops, hide away at pool halls and diners.  I got suspended in junior high from smoking pot, I used to throw chairs out the window (for no good reason...only to show how cool I was), I used to torture freshmen students on Freshmen Fridays.  My dark side appeared early in life.

Now, imagine what my mother thought when I said, 'Thank you for paying for my college tuition but, I think I'm going to move to Hollywood and become a movie star instead.'  It broke her heart.  My family thought I was running away and avoiding life...when I was really trying to find it.  My mother tried so hard for me to fit in to the family's bubble of 'success'.  And there was a part of me that wanted to too.  But, there was a bigger part of me that didn't.  That bigger part of me felt angry that I couldn't be allowed to do what I wanted to do...I couldn't be accepted for who I was.  And so I fought back, I rebelled.  This was my way of getting some attention...through my dark.  I was now known for being the black sheep of the family.  It's like if you can't be famous, get infamous.

But here's the gift in all that....I thought I was being spiteful....but, no.  I realize now that my genius, my talent lies somewhere else...somewhere my family isn't used to, somewhere I'm not used to.  My genius, even when I was too young to understand, wouldn't let me fit into something I wasn't meant to fit into.  It knew better than me.  It knew better for me.  It just didn't know how to express it.  And it's having awareness around that.  I don't have what the norm and my family calls 'security'.  I don't have a paycheck coming in every two weeks, I don't own a home, I don't have a husband, yada yada yada....and yes, it can get unsettling at times....but, it's ok.  This is where I belong because this is where I am.  All I can do is find comfort in moments.  Moment to moment, I know in my heart that my life is opening up to me and I to it.  I don't have to fit perfectly into anything....I don't want to.  I AM perfect by myself.  And my perfection comes from my imperfections.  It just choosing to see it that way.

The cat's out of the bag now.  Everybody knows and they couldn't be more proud.  My family even gathered to watch my Criminal Minds episode.  My sister said my grandmother was the first to recognize me on screen.  When I heard that, it got me choked up.

You know...the change just happened.  There was no catalyst for it, there was no one defining moment of reveal.  It just organically happened.  And my grandmother apologized to me.  She said it's not easy what I'm trying to accomplish and she wished she could have been more supportive.    One of my uncles called and said he was so proud of me and that he believes in me.  He told me to never give up.  My mother recently told me that when people introduce her now and they always add "her daughter's an actress in Hollywood", she says she feels like a 'big shot'...her words.  My father apparently brags about me to his friends.  My tears are making it difficult to see and type now....there's more healing taking place now.

So, I have nothing to be afraid of.  I don't want to use my family as an excuse to hold back who I AM anymore.  I have a family who loves me unconditionally and we're a strong bunch.  Who knows, by my being more authentic, maybe that will benefit my family in some way?  I know me...I'm not one to obnoxiously reveal things for shock value nor am I the 'I don't give a f*ck" type of gal....I do give a f*ck.  But, I do believe in what I have to say.  I believe that I have a reason for being here.  So, I will...with tact, with grace, with respect, and with love.  I don't know how that will pan out...but, again, I'm trusting God/The Universe to show me how.

I'm ready to let my dark side come out and play.  Are you?  Remember, we're lucky.  We're artists and we have so many outlets of expression.  This is the healthiest way.  Get creative and create.  Whether you begin a journal, a blog, write a short/feature, make videos, etc.  Let it out.  Or it will live in you and not let you live.  Your dark side doesn't own you...it's just there to teach you and give you more ammo as an artist.  Invite it, welcome it, learn from it, and work with it.

Here's a video that very much resonated with me.  I LOVE Russell Simmons.


And I listened to this song on repeat as I wrote this post.  I LOVE Nicki Minaj.



Have a lovely dark week.  ;)


with LOVE,

Alex