"Dust Yourself Off And Try Again". Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 30.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week......


*  I went to Comic Con for the first time!  It was so much fun.  

I used to literally sit on the toilet until my legs fell asleep reading Archie comics.  Brought back memories.

This I thought was hilarious.  Found it in "Religious Comics".  The bubbles above the girl dressed in red says, "She'll find out as I did.  That's not the road to stardom!"  Bah hahaha.  #NoteToSelf

Hangin with the boys.  "Teenage mutant ninja turtles, teenage mutant ninja turtles, teenage mutant ninja turtles.  Heroes in a half-shell.  Turtle Power!"

*  I'm so excited to finally announce that the last commercial I shot was a promo trailer for the new X-Men - Days Of Future Past movie!!!!  I couldn't say anything until it was released this past Saturday at Comic Con 2013.  Fans were camped out just to get into Hall H for the Fox panel.  I read from different sources online that fans are going crazy over the trailer!  I haven't seen it yet but, as soon as I can find or get footage, I'll let you know!

I played a 'Mom at the beach'.  Here's a pic of our family.  Apparently, we're a part of a corporate video they're watching in the trailer.  Or something like that.  They did one take of us looking up in the sky and we see a huge robot, BUT we're not alarmed.  A Sentinel, perhaps?

Shout out to Chris Capizzi and Kyra!!  :)

Now on to the main attraction......



I've been letting something get to my head.

The last casting director workshop was an energy sucker.  It was a week ago.

It was with Fern Champion, a veteran.  She casted lots of movies I watched as a kid like Police Academy, The Naked Gun, The Mask, Troop Beverly Hills, etc.  I figured, "She'll get my funny".

I wasn't funny.  In fact, it was probably painful for everyone in the room because I was in pain while I was doing the scene.

First, I was late.  Workshops at The Actor's Link usually start at 7:30pm, I got there at 7:15pm (thinking I'm early).  This particular workshop started at 7pm (I'm pissed at myself).  We knew beforehand that Fern wanted to assign scenes and have us do cold-reads rather than us bringing in our own scenes.  I was the late one asking for a scene.  Fern was nice enough to assign me one even though she told the class that she wouldn't to latecomers.  She was also very sweet for allowing me and my scene partner to have a little more time to go over it together before putting it up in front of class.  In front of class?!!  What?!  The thing I like about The Actor's Link is that most of their workshops are One-to-One format, meaning, it's just you, the reader, and the casting director in the room.  I find some comfort in that no one else is watching.  Well, it was another curve ball for me and it threw me off my game.

I was late, I was put on spot, and now the whole class was going to be in the room.  I was feeling scattered, flustered, impatient, nervous, and angry with myself.

We were the last scene to go up.  Fern is another favorite casting director of mine.  Not because of what she's casted but, because of who she is.  She's gracious, loving, direct, patient, beautiful, motherly, and insightful.  Her notes and directions to everyone came from that place.

As I sat there I kept thinking, "Let the lines go.  It's not about the lines.  What is the scene about?  What do I want from her?  What am I willing to do to get it?  Don't play it funny.  Just be you.  But, I don't know who I am in this scene!  I don't think this character is funny at all!"

Two guys go up right before us.  They begin.  Oh shit, they have the same scene?!!  Awk-ward.  Fern likes to mix it up and not let roles get gender specific.  Oh great.  No other scenes were doubled assigned.  My scene partner eyed each other.

The guy playing the same character I was, was getting laughs every second.  Especially from Fern.  My brain started to go a mile a minute trying to figure out ways to be different from him and still funny.  While I'm thinking of new choices and adjustments to myself, they were done and it was our turn.

We get up there and we had to let the class know that we had the same scene.  Fern said it will be interesting for everyone to see it done with two women versus two men, because that's really how casting works.  You just never know.

We begin.  I had the first line.  As the words were coming out, "Interesting font choice", I knew it was over before it even started.  And for the rest of the scene, I felt like I was drowning in front of these people, gasping for air, and no one could help me.  It was painful.  I didn't get any laughs.  But, my scene partner was.  She was nailing every beat.  She was annihilating me in the scene, and I wanted to annihilate her after class.  I was a casting director workshop roadkill.

As Fern was giving us notes, it's like as if I was reminding her of all the DON'Ts for auditioning.  She would tell the class, "Don't do this, Don't do that", and then turn to me and say, "I'm not saying you did this."  "Yes, yes, I know", I'd say with a nod.   But, how can I not feel shitty?

She was loving but, at the state I was in, it just felt like "You suck."  Well, a week has gone by now and I'd like to beat myself up less for this, so I decided to write about it and get it out of my body and head.  "Interesting font choice, interesting font choice, interesting font choice" is all I've been playing and replaying in my head....for a week.  Daaaaaamn.  And I'm realizing now that I couldn't let this go, not because I thought she thought I was horrible.....it's because I thought I was horrible.

There were, are times when people say things about me that I KNOW are not true.....rolls off my back.  But, it's when I start to believe them.  Fern never once said anything discouraging and mean towards me...if anything, she was simply doing her job, and well.  I just couldn't handle it and I began to believe my own thoughts.  I abandoned myself and expected Fern and the class to make me feel better.

The adult in me is the recovering perfectionist.  I see lessons of this everyday.  The child in me just wanted to show Fern that I was meant for this.  I just wanted to do my best.  That's it.

Okay, I'm starting to cry now.  I guess I'm moving through this.

It's not the easiest business we're in.  And it can mess with your head more than you'd like but, nothing's gonna teach you more about Self-Love than this.  There is no perfect.  It's already perfect.  You just gotta hug yourself and dust yourself off and try again.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Would you?

I hope you enjoy your journey this week.....however that looks for you.


**  If you can get into Fern's workshop, DO IT!  She's absolutely awesome.  And I'm grateful to her for my lessons.




with MAAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"Debt-Free At Last, Debt-Free At Last" Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 29

Dear Diary, 

Here's my offering to you this week......

*  Took Ty Harman's workshop last week.  He's an associate with Guthrie/Goddard-Smythe's office.  On a mission to slowly but, surely meet as many comedy casting offices.  Got good feedback from Ty. He said there's funny in me and there's such a niche (pretty, funny, sassy, Asian women) I can fill.  He's not the first to tell me that they're in NEED to fill this niche and that I can easily do it.  He thinks I'm funny but, he recommends honing it for tv.  I agree.  He recommends Lesly Kahn.  I believe once I have proper and technical training specifically for television and sitcom, there may be a take over.  I'm just sayin.



Now on to the main attraction.......



I have fully paid off all my credit card debt.  FULLY and ALL.

Holy fucking crap, does that feel good?!!

I had 3 cards:  an American Express Platinum charge card, which I was paying about $500 a year just to have (bullshit) and had to pay off the whole balance each month.  I had another American Express Blue credit card, and my first credit card ever (a Mastercard which I opened when I was in college).

I opened all these while still living with my parents in NY before I moved to LA so my cost of living was very different.  I was still spending while my expenses were accruing.  Got myself into a hole I thought I would never get out of.  Over $10,000.00

It was embarrassing.  I was afraid I would get declined with every transaction.  Whenever I told myself, "Next month, I'm paying off a little more on these cards", and then next month rolls around, I had other unexpected expenses that I couldn't pay off more than the minimum.  Sometimes, even the minimum was difficult because I had three different minimums.

I should have listened to my mother sooner.  Growing up she would always stress how important a good credit is.  I get it now.  You can't do shit without good credit.

About two years ago, when recession hit, I took advantage of it.  Normally, I avoid asking for help...especially if it has to do with money but, it was swallow my pride or a nasty credit report to my name.  I called all my credit card companies and advised them of my situation and told them how difficult it's been to make payments, and on time.  They worked with me.  We set up a payment plan.  A locked amount was automatically debited from my checking account every month.  The best thing I ever did.

Two years later, I am now debt free.  Actually, I opened up a credit card early this year to finally start building up my credit again.  So, I'm purposefully building debt to build credit.  It feels like being born-again.

I believe this is the beginning to my financial freedom.  What's the point of figuring out ways to make more money when in the back of my mind, I'm constantly worrying about the debt I already have?  And the debt that just keeps building?  I'm clearing space.  I'm making room for new energy, new money to flow into my life.

It feels good to 'get real'.  Yes, it freaking sucks before checking your account balances, it sucks before paying bills, it sucks to check your credit score, it sucks to REALLY see where you are.  But, once you do, so much better.  Maybe you'll think, "Eh, not so bad" or "Fuck, I'm fucked" but, the fear of not knowing will be gone and then you can move on with some certainty.

My friend, Dawn who is super knowledgeable about all different kinds of workshops around town for actors and artists told me about The Actors Fund.  Check out the site.  They hold free seminars and workshops for actors about REAL stuff.  Ex.  Budgeting (Income and Expenses), Fighting Depression and Anxiety, Discussion groups for HIV + professionals, etc.  They are so informative and insightful.  Who knew something like this existed?


We can all have financial freedom.  First step, we have to get real with ourselves.


Wishing you all a financially abundant and free week, month, and year in advance!


with MAAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

'Do More Of What You Love'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 28.

Photo by Violet Photography

Shoot for www.Boardwalk-Style.com

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week......


*  Yaaaaay!!!!  I BOOKED and SHOT a commercial this week.  SOOOOOO, I'm doing another GIVEAWAY!!  I don't know what yet.  I'm thinking about it.  Keep you posted.
Also, very excited to announce what the commercial was for.  Can't until next week, when it's released.  Keep you posted on that too!

Here are some pics!

Now on to the main attraction.......



Do more of what you love.

Auditions can still be nerve-wracking but, being on set.....hell no.

When I'm on set, it feels natural and magical.  I like the process.  I like the fitting time, I like the hair and make-up time.  I even like the waiting.  I like the feeling of suffering for a bit (either freezing my ass off or sweating like a pig) for a mission.  I like the feeling of being in front of a camera.  I like the feeling of collaborating.  I like feeling grateful for getting paid to do something that's so fun.  I like feeling like I'm doing my thang, like I'm 'in my element', like a freaking Pro.

I'm lying.  I LOVE it.

Why not do more of what I love?

I'm going to put some focused energy towards working on set more as a paid actress.  I've been back at it with self-submitting every day and I signed up for three casting director workshops this month.  I'm just going to take manageable actions, consistently, and see what happens.

I believe God/The Universe rewards you when you claim what you love by showing up for yourself and your dream everyday.  Then, God/The Universe shows up for you too in ways you would have never imagined.

You feel me?  Root for me....I'm rootin for you.  :)


How can you do more of what you love?  How can that look for you this week?



with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

'What's Personal is Universal'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 27.

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week......

*  Went to the screening for Lisa Ling's documentary, "God and Gays".  It was so powerful and moving.  I was raised a Protestant.  I used to be a Sunday school teacher.  Growing up, I used to believe being gay was a sin.  Ain't that some shit? 

Congratulations to all my gays!  Let me know if you need a bridesmaid.  :D

And that woman (Lisa Ling) is one awesome journalist.  Thanks to my coach Suzanne, I got to meet her and her husband.  I have a journalism degree so that was a huge treat for me.

Kelly, Suzanne, Lisa, and me.  

*  Here are some pics from my last photoshoot.  Will post more as they come.  I'm a ham.....love taking pics!  Check out their website!  www.boardwalk-style.com

So glaaaaaamorous dahling.  :)

Now on to the main attraction....

What's Personal is Universal.

This is what my coach/mentor/friend, Suzanne tells me all the time.  

It's true.

The more personal you are with your work, the more universal it is.  

As artists...we want to inspire.  And the more the merrier, right?  So we try to figure out what 'sells'.  We try to write, sing, act, dance for the masses.  We get too general that we and our work gets diluted in the process.  And who wants diluted, mediocre shit?  It's fucking boring and inauthentic.  And you've heard that saying, "You're trying too hard."  You never have to try as long as you get personal.

But, it's scary getting personal.  It's scary to let people know who you really are.  It's scary and in some cases....even embarrassing.  

It's scary and embarrassing to let people know that I daydream about being the first Asian-American to win an Oscar for Best Actress and how I used to daydream about it since I was a little girl.  It's scary and embarrassing to let people know that I fantasize about how I will meet my future husband one day.  It's scary and embarrassing to let people know how afraid I am of losing people and things I love so much that I'll medicate myself to oblivion so I don't have to feel and deal.  It's scary and embarrassing to let people know how angry I really am, how unloved I really feel at times, how sad I really am, how judgmental I can be, how needy I can be, how crazy I really feel, how alone I really feel, how depressed I really feel, how compassionate I really feel, how grateful I really feel, how mushy I really feel, etc.....   It's.  Fucking.  Scary.

              

"What if they think I'm full of myself?"

"What if they think, 'Who the fuck does she think she is?'"

"What if they think I'm a lazy piece of shit?"

"What if they think I'm a liar and a fraud?"

"What if they think I'm an attention whore?"

"What if they think I'm a dirtbag and I can't get my shit together?"

I start all my storytelling shows with this....."I have heard this expression, 'We are only as sick as our secrets'.  So, can I tell you guys a secret?"  

I air it out.  I have to.  It's for my survival.  And for my happiness.  Whether it's about how much I love myself or how much I hate myself.  I let them go, and somehow the shame goes along with it.  

The ironic thing is....you may feel very alone with your thoughts, daydreams, fantasies, addictions, dirty little secrets, etc....but, you're not.  We ALL have them.  We ALL live them.  Circumstances may be different, but, the CORE of it....is the same.  

And at the end of the day, we just want to connect.  We just want to feel like somebody else 'gets it'.  We just want to love and feel loved.  We just want to feel like we belong.  

I kept my pot addiction a secret for a long time.  My family doesn't know so my writing this on my blog even.....BALLS.  I kept it a secret because when I tried telling people, the response I would get is, "You're not addicted.  You can't get addicted to it.  It's a soft drug.  Actually, it's not even a drug!  It's natural!"  Nobody takes pot seriously so I thought I was the only loser, the only crazy one.  Alex, this will be our little secret.  The secret was killing me.

So, I would 'out' myself more....with friends, with my work (blogging and storytelling shows).  Guess what?  There are others out there like me.  That have been waking and baking, don't like it anymore, feeling like a slave to it but, still doing it, can't stop, and pretending like it's still recreational shit when it clearly is not anymore, and privately feeling shame from it since not many people take it seriously.  When this kind of connection takes place, it feels real and deep.  I feel seen, I feel like I'm seeing the person I'm connecting with.......seeing the truth.  

The fucking Truth.  This is my responsibility as an artist.  To be courageous and willing enough to express Truth.  And the only way you can express YOUR Truth is to get personal.  Start with YOU first.  Because you'll see YOUR Truth is our Truth.   

No matter what your craft is.......acting, writing, singing, dancing......get so fucking personal that it scares the shit out of you.  I'll see you there.  

I feel like I cursed a lot in this post.  Fuck it.  :D  I wonder if there's an addiction to cursing?  

Have a THRIVING week my warriors!

with MAAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

"I Won." Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 23-26.

This was a pic from a photo shoot for Dynamic Asia Hats.  When I wasn't shooting, I was having my own sand party.  Keep you posted on more pics!

Dear Diary,


This is my offering to you this week......

*  I'd like to give Thank You SHOUT OUTS to my new readers, followers, and subscribers in the last week!  Thank you, Vicky Park, Ji Han, Adam William Ward, @SouthernGallery, Hironori Kotoku, @fancorinnemec, @Boardwalk_Style, @ShaneWarrenJ, @scottmods, and @voicejoy!  Thank you so much.





Now on to the main attraction.....



Resistance has been sucking the life out of me.  Literally.

I was in Brooklyn visiting fam last week and since I've been back....don't want to do shit.  I'm a total creature of habit.  I've been trying to figure out why why why.  "Why am I feeling drained?  Why do I feel so overwhelmed?  Why do I feel direction-less?  Why am I feeling lazy?  I feel like a bum.  Why can't I snap out of it?  What the fuck's wrong with me?"

Nothing's wrong with me!

And the more I try to figure out WHY.....the more depleted I feel.  Because I believe there's something wrong with me.

This post for example.....it's been 2 or 3 weeks since my last post.  I've been beating myself up for getting lazy.  I can be a bit Nazi-like when it comes to work ethic so every week that went by without my writing a post, I went insane in the membrane.  

(Seriously though, there's nothing wrong with me.)

And I know why.  It's because I'm not taking action.  I'm just thinking about doing it.  Ain't that a bitch?  Resisting, fighting, going upstream, all these just take more energy out of you.

So, here's my surrender.  I'm taking action.  I'm sitting my ass down and writing this now.  I'm not waiting for a good topic to inspire me before I start writing.  I'm not waiting to feel better first either.  This may be counterintuitive for some but, take action first, AND THEN see how you feel.

Alex, there is no perfect topic, the perfect moment, the perfect situation, the perfect weight, the perfect skin, the perfect person, the perfect job, the perfect family, the perfect car, the perfect outfit, etc....so, stop waiting.  Forgive yourself about being lazy or not productive.....you needed some downtime and what's done is done.  It's but a memory unless you carry it with you day to day.  Let it go and finish this damn post.

This post is now finished.  Fuck yeah.  I battled it out with my Resistance today, and I won.  The battle's been won but, the war is far from over.  Breathe and know, it's one day at a time.  

Now, on to the next.



What action(s) can you take right now?  Wishing you an action-packed week.


with MAAAAD LOVE,

x Alex

'I Love Being The Feminine'. Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 22.

That's me glamorously meditating.  :D

Dear Diary,

Here's my offering to you this week.....





Now on to the main attraction......


Love and Relationships is what I want to talk about this week.

I CAN say I have been unlucky in the love department but, that would be a lie.  I have been super lucky.  Even with the relationships that haven't worked out the way I wanted them to, because I always learned lesson(s).  I always believed and will believe that no relationship with another human being will be the ultimate.  I don't want to put that kind of pressure on someone, and I wouldn't want that on me either.  The ultimate relationship in my life is with myself and God.  That's the beginning of all relationships.  Then everything else is icing on the cake.

Something has shifted.  I no longer find myself saying "Why do I keep dating guys that emotionally unavailable?", "Why are guys anti-committal?", "They're all babies", "He's probably scared and intimidated", "Why can't he be a man?", etc...... Instead, now I'm getting MEN that are open, available, courageous, honest, communicative, present, willing, and vulnerable.

They were and are reflecting back to me, me.

For some years I just kept reading and learning about the masculine and feminine dynamics.  Some of my favorite books and teachers are Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and David Deida's works, especially The Way Of The Superior Man (even though this one is for guys, I learned a lot from it).  One of the reasons why I was prone to saying to my past guys, "Why can't you be a man?" was because I was nurturing my masculine essence more, and of course I was attracting guys who were nurturing more of their feminine essence.  Opposites attract.

*  Note:  When referring to the masculine and feminine, I'm talking about the energies and essences...not how someone looks.

We all have both masculine and feminine polarities.  It's not always the case but, if you're man, you have a more masculine energy, if you're a woman, you have a more feminine energy.  But, since the women's revolution and feminist movement, women have been suppressing and oppressing our power as women.  We wanted to be seen as equals with men.  But, we're not.  I'm not saying we're subordinates.  No no.  If anything, David Deida's explains it like this.....picture a boat in the ocean.  The boat is the masculine, and the ocean is the feminine.  The ocean is nature, it's fluid, it's constantly moving and changing.  The boat, the masculine is more fixed, it's about going somewhere, having a mission, a purpose, it's about action.  Which has more power?  The ocean.  But, if you want to go somewhere, which do you want to be?  The boat.  You need both.  It all started from A Consciousness...one single being...when that split into two, the masculine and feminine polarities were created.

I was a tomboy growing up.  I fought with guys, I wanted to run faster than boys, I wanted to beat boys in arm wrestling....I didn't even bother with competing with girls...didn't want to, I thought girls were too weak.  Then as I got older, I wanted to wear the pants in the relationship, I wanted to make the decisions, I had to be the fixer, I had to be the one that was right, I had to know everything, I initiated, etc...  Then, I would resent the guy for not stepping up to his masculine.  Can you see the conflict?  And rather than expecting the guy to make all the changes and become more masculine for me, I realized, I have to change.  I must accept and nurture my feminine first.  And so I did.  I made a conscious decision to nurture my feminine more because I knew that would attract a more masculine energy.  That's just the law of nature.

I knew I was making deep changes because my subconscious told me in a dream.  I had a dream where I was in the ocean after a storm had hit the boat I was on.  I had two babies, they were my babies.  One was a boy and the other a girl.  I could only save one.  I chose to save my baby girl.  The dream was so vivid, and lucid.  Time was sensitive because I could lose both so I had to make a quick decision to save one before I could lose both.  I cried and watched my boy go under.  I woke up crying and the sadness still stayed with me for days.  But, I knew it was a wonderful dream.  It was telling me that I was letting go of my masculine that wasn't serving me to grow further and loving the feminine in me.

Big lesson about being feminine....the feminine is always changing.  I get into my moods.  I'm happy and then if PMS hits, watch the fuck out.  I always had a wild and free personality.  I react BIG...whether I'm happy or angry.  My family warned me since I was a little girl...."Better learn to temper that attitude of yours because you'll scare guys away".  Hell no!  I'm owning my feminine essence.  I'm owning that I get my moods.  This doesn't mean I just react to people according to my moods....I'm a mature adult.  But, what I do mean is I'm being authentic.

I had a chance to practice what I preach.  Implementing the knowledge I've been accumulating because what's the point of just learning something and keeping it in your head?  Fucking, Live It.  I'm dating a guy...and he's a fan and student of David Deida...oh thank heavens!  I was feeling shitty and sort of took it out on him.  When I jumped into my wild feminine, he held space for me by jumping into his masculine.  When my emotions leveled out again, we had an open, healthy, honest, vulnerable communication.  Rather than feeling like we're walking on egg shells with one another, we established a safe space for one another.


It finally feels good to be a woman.


I can go on and on about this forever.

Check out David Deida's website and listen to and read some of his books.  They're eye-openers.  And he has videos on Youtube.
Here's an excerpt.

YOUR PURPOSE MUST COME BEFORE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Admit to yourself that if you had to choose one or the other, the perfect intimate relationship or achieving your highest purpose in life, you would choose to succeed at your purpose. Just this self-knowledge often relieves much pressure a man feels to prioritize his relationship when, in fact, it is not his highest priority.

Your mission is your priority. Unless you know your mission and have aligned your life to it, your core will feel empty. Your presence in the world will be weakened, as will your presence with your intimate partner. The next time you notice yourself "giving in" to your woman, postponing your mission and denying your true purpose in order to spend time with her, stop. Tell your woman that you love her, but you cannot deny your heart's purpose. Tell her that you will spend 30 minutes (or some specific time) with her in absolute attention and total presence, but then you must return to carry on your mission.

Your woman will be more fulfilled with 30 minutes a day of undivided attention and ravishing love than she will with a few hours of your weak and divided presence when your heart really isn't into it. Time you spend with your woman should be time you really want to be with her more than anything else. If you'd rather be doing something else, she'll feel it. Both of you will be dissatisfied.

From The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida, Chapter 7

Purchase from Amazon

Here's a video


Also, if you haven't already, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is quite an excellent book.  I highly recommend that too.


I wish everyone on the planet to find love...first with themselves, with God, and with another person.  Because no matter how much you think you don't need a man, or a woman....we do...we're sexual beings and being able to give and receive sexually, in deep spiritual way that connects us to God....that's fucking wonderful.



Have a great week discovering your masculine and/or feminine essences and playing and dancing with the opposite.


with MAD LOVE,


x Alex

"Your Destiny, Your Calling....But, I Don't Want To!" Live Shows, Here I Come! Week 21.

Dear Diary, 

Here's my offering to you this week......

*  I want to say thank you to my mother and my writing coach, Suzanne.  The theme for the show on Sunday was "Mommy Dearest".  Mom, writing and performing this taught me so much about being a mom, being a daughter, sadness, anger, love, and healing.  It was cathartic for me.  I'm grateful to have you as my mother.  My Soul chose you, and your Soul chose me.  And Suzanne, thank you for calling me out on my bullshit.  Thank you for seeing the genius in me and not letting me off the hook.  Your wisdom, friendship, love and support is giving me strength and courage to be the best writer, artist, and performer I can be.  

*  I have an audio version of this show.  I will not be making it public because it contains personal things but, as always, I'd love to share it with you if you're interested.  Just let me know via here, Facebook, or Twitter and I will send you the link.    

Here are some pics.  Thanks, roomie for getting these.  

*  Congratulations to my friend, Elizabeth Karr and "The Radio Free Albemuth" family!  They're getting ready to release their film in fall and raising funds now through Kickstarter to do a DIY release. Elizabeth has been working so hard on producing this project.  Their goal is to raise $85,000.  You know how Kickstarter works....it's all or nothing!  If it sounds and feels good to you, and would love to support, here's their link

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/elizabethkarr/radio-free-albemuth-theatrical-release

Also, some incentives.....

Costumes worn by Shea Wigham and Alanis Morrisette.

Lunch with the Producers

Signed posters

And more!

Now on to the main attraction.........

Yes!  I did another show.

Some people may think, "Well, of course you did another show.  You're an actress."  

As normal as it may seem, it's not for me.  It scares the shit out of me....I have terrible terrible stage fright.  It drains me.  It brings up all kinds of thoughts and emotions I don't like.  The process of getting ready for one show, a show that doesn't require of me to have anything memorized, a show that doesn't require of me to 'act' and be a character, and a show that doesn't require a big presentation of any kind.  I literally am up there for 5-10 minutes, just reading what I had written.  And still, it feels like I'm fighting for my life.

The process leading up to it is so exhausting.  It consumes all of me that I get mad at my art for not allowing me to live my life.  "I don't have time to do this, I don't have time to that!"  I've had plenty of conversations with my writing coach, Suzanne, in tears, saying I may have made a mistake about thinking I can do this.  Because if I'm meant to this, why is it so hard?   

But, once I'm up there, I'm alive.  So alive that I could die fulfilled.  Like a voice saying, "My job is done."  

There's a constant battle in me between voices...the perfectionist and my genius.

The perfectionist is the one who gets scared.  The perfectionist is the one who gets stage fright.  The perfectionist is the one who holds me back from flowing and living freely and wildly.  

The genius in me is that little voice that says, "You got this", "You are so capable", "I'm proud of you", "You're great", "You're doing what you're meant to be doing", "Keep going", "I love you".  Suzanne knows and sees the genius in me and she always says, "I want to talk to her".  

I read this the day before and day of my show.  Something in me wanted a message from my genius.  To let me know I was listening to the voice that's born to manifest miracles and truth into this world.  The voice that knows I'm here for great things.  Do you believe you have a destiny?  Do you believe you have a calling?  You'll love this book.

This is from the book, The Soul's Code by James Hillman.  

"Let me put in a nutshell what we may so far cautiously attribute to the acorn theory.  It claims that each life is formed by its unique image, an image that is the essence of that life and calls it to a destiny.  As the force of fate, this image acts as a personal daimon, an accompanying guide who remembers your calling.

The daimon's "reminders" work in many ways.  The daimon motivates.  It protects.  It invents and persists with stubborn fidelity.  It resists compromising reasonableness and often forces deviance and oddity upon its keeper, especially when it is neglected or opposed.  It offers comfort and can pull you into its shell, but cannot abide innocence.  It can make the body ill.  It is out of step with time, finding all sorts of faults, gaps, and knots in the flow of life-and it prefers them.  It has affinities with myth, since it is itself a mythical being and thinks in mythical patterns.

The daimon has prescience-maybe not of particulars, because it cannot manipulate happenings to accord with the image and fulfill the calling.  Its prescience is therefore not perfect, but limited to the significance of the life in which it has its embodiment.  It is immortal, in that it doesn't go away and can't be killed off by merely mortal explanations.

It has much to do with feelings of uniqueness, of grandeur and with the restlessness of the heart, its impatience, its dissatisfaction, its yearning.  It needs its share of beauty.  It wants to be seen, witnessed, accorded recognition, particularly by the person who is its caretaker.  It is slow to anchor and quick to fly.  It can't shed its own supernal calling, sensing itself both in lonely exile and in cosmic harmony.  Metaphoric images are its first unlearned language, which provides the poetic basis of mind, making possible communication between all people and all things by means of metaphors."

A-freakin-Men.

I believe I have a destiny.  I believe you do too.  I believe I have a calling.  I believe you do too.  I believe I'm here for greatness.  I believe you are too.  Sometimes it scares me so much that I will fight it, resist it, let stage fright take over, get angry with it, get so exhausted by stirring up drama elsewhere in my life so I have legitimate excuse(s) to not follow my destiny, to not answer my calling.  BUT, I do.  I GO.  I answer.  I accept.  I go to the other side of all my fears.  I must.  And you must too.  The world is waiting for each of our unique talents and geniuses to be recognized, remembered, nurtured, accepted, and manifested.  THIS is our part of the equation.  I believe THIS is Heaven On Earth.

Hope you see Heaven On Earth this week.  :)

with MAD LOVE,

x Alex